How to protect my baby from smoking

[Tombo80]

After a night sleeping on the sofa, my wife has gone off the hook crazy about the issue of smoking! Please can someone tell me if I deserve this!

Our first baby is due in mid May and despite my father chain smoking 50 a day around me and my 4 sisters i am determined that my little bear will not come into contact with any cigarette smoke, but what I thought were reasonable precautions are apparently not acceptable. This is the situation;

We live in the frozen moores of saddleworth.
The house was built in 1912 with an old detached outside privy opposite the front door.
About 10 years ago the previous owners put a plastic glazed lean-to to join the house to the toilet. The exterior grade door to the house still exists.
I smoke in this lean-to, but agree that I will have to modify this when the baby comes.

I have agreed that I will have to smoke outside during the day, when the baby is awake, and when the weather is not extreme (as it so often is up here). Bearing in mind the starting point is that the baby should never come into contact with my smoking, i thought that smoking in this lean to room, with the exterior grade door closed, when it is raining and sub zero and the baby was in bed was not going to be a problem.... but apparently i am the worst human ever!

My wife has been a real trooper and is normally so calm, but this has really got her mad. What do you guys think? Please help, because I don't want to be on the sofa again tonight!

Obviously it is best for everyone if you stop smoking.

However,..If you don't - I really do think your wife is being a bit OTT.
You CAN put on a coat that you will not wear back in the house.
You can also cover your head if necessary.
You can wash your hands when you come back in.

Many of the people I know who absolutely believe that anyone in contact with any smoking at all cannot be near their children,... use chemical cleaners and sprays in their house.
They also use air freshners.
They spray hair spray.
They spray deodorant.
They spray perfume.
They use spray cleaners.

I doubt you nipping outside for a ciggy covered in a protective coat will cause your baby any harm whatsoever.

If anyone who is advising you that you are definitely harming your baby can confirm they do not use any of the above,.. great.
Most of them DO.
Shame on them.

I'd like to point out a few things:

Smokers know that they smell. They may not be able to smell it (much) themselves but they know because they are continually being told.

Smokers know it's highly likely to kill them. Not only are they continually being told of the health risks, there are helpful pictures of diseases to remind them on every packet unless they were bought from a bin bag on the market

Smokers know it is costing them an absolute fucking fortune. There is no way you can spend that amount of money without noticing unless you are stupidly rich.

Smokers know they piss off and damage the health of those around them - again, they are reminded repeatedly.

It's really shitty and horrible going through life addicted to something that you know has a 50% chance of killing you, that is costing you a fortune, that makes you stink and feel like apologising for breathing and yet still be unable to stop.

There are 8 pages now, mostly made up of people telling the OP things he already knows. I hope it makes you feel better to keep on with all this obvious stuff because I doubt it will make any difference to the OP's chances of successfully quitting, otherwise it would have worked long before now.

I just don't think changing clothes and showering together with quarantine is sensible or indeed needed. page4 Apparently it is needed.

I'm talking about all the 'quit smoking because you smell' posts.

WRT ways of mitigating the harm of smoking to those around you I'd love to see some solid research on the effectiveness of changing clothes, showering etc. It sounds like a good idea but does it actually make any difference? If so, how big a difference does it make? Smoking is bad for you and everyone around you but this is hardly news.

Quitting is actually very liberating. You stop worrying about so many things, like when you can have your next fag. You are more in the moment, more connected with things. I gave up by phoning the smoker's quitline - something the woman said just stuck and I never smoked again. No voodoo involved, just the art of saying the right thing at the right time.

One word of warning though, you do put on weight.

Davsmum/others who feel I am being controlling or OTT -I think you misunderstand. My issue was with him smoking in the house - what my husband calls the lean-to is our sun room, used daily. That's where he would like to have been able to smoke in the evening/when baby isn't in the house. I don't think my opposition to this was OTT. I'm not trying to make him give up smoking, that has to be his call. I hope he'll make it one day, and sooner rather than later, but it's not something I or anyone else can bully him into. Life is full of risks/germs/danger/shit. But there's no need to smoke inside when you have a baby. That's all this was about.

So, I won't be trying to bully him into stopping smoking, he isn't stupid, despite his somewhat cocky attitude, of course he knows the risks and sees the damage smoking has done to his dad. There's a fair bit of denial going on there, it's human nature to minimise to try to protect yourself from the guilt when you know you're doing something crap.

Thanks for the messages of 'good luck' and to those who haven't totally demonised him! None of us are perfect and I don't think being a parent who smokes makes you a monster.

Those whose partners gave up during pregnancy/early infant hood, I totally get how you must've felt. I agree, if Tombo gave up it would be the best thing ever and I would be overjoyed. Thanks for the hope!

lollywig. You sound very reasonable and supportive. Good luck with the pregnancy, the smoking discussions etc

quitting is actually very liberating
this

Yeah YANBU at all about the lean-to sun room. Some people also made a very good point about making sure he's doing his share.

Tombo, now is a very good time to at least think about having another quit attempt. Once the baby is here you will likely be stressed and knackered which is not ideal if you're trying to quit. Try the allen carr book. It didn't work for me but it does for a lot of people. If that doesn't work, try an e cig. If you think patches, gum, support meetings or anything else might be your thing, give it a try.

Good luck to both of you

Leave the bitch?

Plenty this makes very interesting reading particularly as it calls for more research into possible health risks, which are, as you point out, relatively unknown at the moment.

research into possible health risks, which are, as you point out, relatively unknown at the moment.

Except this of course

Worral - I appreciate your point but disagree. How much sympathy do you have for the drug addict who commits crime to feed his/her habit? Perhaps "sympathy" is the wrong word entirely. Perhaps it's "understanding". And I can't understand why the harm to loved ones isn't enough impetus to cease smoking.

That's exactly my point. I can't understand why someone would TTC when obese...thus possibly putting themselves and their babies at risk, but I have empathy if they are a binge eater with a complicated emotional background...and I've seen tons of Mnetters who will empathise too.

But a nicotine addict, smoking while pregnant...putting herself and her baby at possible risk will normally receive nothing but scorn whether they have a complicated emotional background or not.

I think it's because the direct risks to a baby due to mother's obesity are not the same as the direct risk from smoking.

And we aren't talking about a mother's smoke here but someone else's in the house.

I struggle to understand destructive addictions full stop, perhaps because I don't have that personality type (it's deeply flawed in other ways... ). However obesity doesnt really cause significant direct harm to others in the way smoking does so for me at least, the two situations aren't comparable.

Therefore whilst I have empathy for all addicts, I find it harder to engender sympathy for smokers who expose children to their carcinogenic fumes. Children can't consent to this - but may suffer lifelong consequences. That's selfish. No sympathy from me.

Thanks lookout, they look an interesting read for when I'm less tired.

Worra, yes it would be very easy for me to go on a weight loss thread and say 'maintaining a healthy weight is really not that hard, just lose the weight because it's bad for you and bla bla bla ...' because I have been pretty much the same healthy weight since I was 18, completely without trying. I put on a stone or so when I reached menopause, so I cut down on crisps a bit and that did the trick.

I never would post something like that on a weight loss thread though because clearly it would be very ignorant.

Joining this debate late in the day. The big difference between obesity and smoking is that everyone has to eat to stay alive; smoking is harmful to life - therefore they can't be compared.

I have worked in the medical field and illness through smoking is very much dose related. The tertiary nature of his proposals I am sure would not harm his child. The issue I would have would be the example he would set to his children.

I mean, me and my sisters would sit in a car for 36 hours on a drive down to spain with my dad puffing away constantly.... It didn't seem to do us any damage

Apart from the fact that you ended up a smoker - Is that what you want for your child? Children of smokers are significantly more likely to smoke.

Give it up. Your child has to be worth it.
I recommend Allen Carr's Easy Way to Stop Smoking book.
BUY IT

oohdaddypig obesity during pregnancy can put the baby at a whole multitude of risks including being stillborn, having birth defects or diabetes and that's just to name but a few.

Still, just like the smokers people will try to ignore this and hope they're one of the lucky ones because their addiction is too hard to deal with.

This is why I have empathy for both addicts. I'm not selective.

Lollywig, you are being perfectly reasonable to aski him not to smoke in the sun room.

We had a workman in our house who smoked in our conservatory with the door to the outside open and the door to the rest of the house closed. . I could smell it the instant I walked in the front door of my house, hours later. He couldn't believe I knew he had been smoking in my house.

I was totally livid as my DS has been hospitalised with asthma twice.

Smokers are totally deluded about how the smell lingers.

Actually Worral, I doubt the obese women will ignore it. If the evidence is just coming out now then perhaps it will receive greater attention and wider dissemination.

And if the risks in quantative terms, are as great as they are for smoking, then I think people would be similarly judgemental. But I will be amazed if they are.

There are also risks in having children later in life, but we don't call 40 year old mothers selfish and rightly so.

It's a question of degrees and right now we know just how bad smoking is, both prenatally and postnatally. So lets not dilute that message with pseudo liberalism notions of equity.

Sorry what's obesity got to do with smoking?

Just realised I must have completely stank as a little child, poor me. Also worry about the effects of passive smoking from my chain smoking mum (and through pregnancies, probably blew smoke into our faces as she fed us and held us). I loved my mum but she was very selfish and it angers me what she made us go through and what long term effects we may have suffered. I also was a child who always had colds and coughs, have sinus problems. Then there was the worry when I realised she was probably killing herself and I used to cry thinking she would get cancer and die. Then there was when she did get cancer and we had to nurse and watch her die, sitting beside her as she took her last breaths. She was only mid 60's.

OP - you might not be chain smoker and you might be fairly considerate (unlike my mother) but this is the reality and how it could affect your child

I think you are being very selfish for smoking in the lean-too. It may be a front door but it still has air gaps and a pregnant woman's nose is very sensitive.

My husband made my pregnancy miserable as with the hormones i would pick up the stale old smoke off him which was even worse than the fresh smoke smell. Honestly, he smelt like a corpse that had been rotting in a ditch for a few days and it would aggravate my morning sickness to no end.

Unless you have been pregnant yourself you cannot possibly fathom how upsetting the smell will be to your wife, nevermind the hurt she is feeling at how you would rather put your own comfort above the safety of your partner and child.

My husband smoked in the house at least three times when I was pregnant. For some reason he thought it would be ok once our baby girl was born.

I smelt it, he lied (yet again). I kicked him out. He said he would never do it again. I don't believe him but have to acknowledge that I've married a child and that nobody's perfect.

Drives me nuts that he won't take his jacket off before he kisses her though. My poor daughter. He loves her but thinks because he smokes outside that the smoking is not a problem.

UABVU.

OP your good wishes won't help my my cousin, who will die from lung cancer quite soon, unlikely to make next birthday.

If you won't quit then buy a decent life insurance policy.

Not theat the op will come back and read this but fwiw, another perspective. My DM has always smoked and is a 20 a day woman. Her own mother died of lung cancer, her brother died very young thanks to asthma/chest stuff/also being a 20 a day person.

My mother's lungs are perfect. They absolutely are. Sometimes it's the luck of the draw and you just get lucky, you know?

What is impacting her quality of life is severe ongoing osteoporosis. She has been hospitalised three times for bumps that a healthy person wouldn't even register and she has a hump back.

What's killing her is the amount of salt she pours on her food because she quite literally can't taste anything because of smoking. They go through one of those big tubs of table salt every six weeks or so (I think it would be unusual for us to buy more than one every 18 months).

Salt will kill her. Meantime she has a shit quality of life (double spine fracture last year, for example, after falling off a step).

Smoking isn't just about the lungs.