To feel weird about taking my 13 month old DS to a funeral?

[Juliacharles2012]

My DH's nan died last Friday of a massive heart attack aged 89. We were all very close (she adored DS as he was the 1st great grandchild). my FIL & his brother are in the process of arranging her funeral & asked if we'd bring DS to the whole thing, I said I wasn't sure it'd be entirely appropriate (I was planning on just taking him to the wake maybe). However, DH seems to have told his dad that we'll bring him to the whole thing (I know it's a sad time but I also know my FIL so I'm guessing he tried the same emotional blackmail speeches on his son as he did on me, it doesn't wash with me though).

FIL when I said I was unsure used all the usual "it's what mum would have wanted/it'd help my brother & I feel so much better" & even said the words, I wish I were kidding now, "You know what they say, out with the old & in with the new" referring to the generations of the family.

My question is simple, would you take a 13 month old to a full funeral plus a wake full stop (or just the wake)?

I took my 13 month old to my Gran's funeral last year. Beforehand, iIwas worried about whether he would be too noisy and upset people, but actually everyone said he lightened the mood a bit and it was nice to have him there. I would have taken him out if he cried, but he was actually really sweet - he was only really noisy during the hymns when he tried to join in.

Yes and I have. My nan lived with us most of my life and when she dies suddenly two years ago I took my children, they were 10 months, 2 and 3. My youngest also went to my mums funeral just before Christmas and he was 13 months.

It's what my nan wanted as she always said children at a funeral stop everyone being too maudlin.

If its what your FIL and DH want then take him but sit at the end of the row so if he starts fussing you can quickly take him out.

I have taken DS to three funerals, he was 10 months, 12 months and 18 months.

The first was a great aunt, DS was taken out by my sister when he woke in the funeral and spent the wake crawling around being adored by family who had not yet met him and her friends.

The second was my grandma's funeral. DH had him at the back of the church stocked up with toys. He made noise, he giggled but it was a huge comfort to me and my grandad was very pleased we'd brought him.

The third was DH's grandfather. DS wouldn't be quiet but I came prepared and whisked him to the back with a bag of amusements, juice etc. He talked a lot, wanted to play with the undertaker's walking stick, but FIL (whose dad had died) asked why I'd taken him out! DH and his brothers and sisters played with DS at the wake as did his nan.

At every funeral it was a bit tricky and involved forward planning but I'm very glad I brought DS.

Hope this helps.

I agree with Domaby - why would you feel it is not appropriate to take your DS. So long as you can take him out if he is noisy then I think it is lovely to have a baby at a funeral. We took our DS to my MIL's funeral - he was rather loud so my own mother took him outside.

I would, death is a part of life. The way families are so much smaller, I never experienced death until I was nearly 30 and my own mother died. So it was something else to deal with. I take my children to funerals. anyones funeral really, quite like official mourners, if you can teach them how to cope and what to expect from a young age, all the better.

I've taken a 2 week old and a 6 yo to a (different!) funeral. As others say, sit somewhere you can make a swift exit from the service if needed.

Oh and YANBU for feeling a bit weird, I did too for the first one but my family all insisted my great aunt would have wanted him there to cheer everyone up. I was worried all the way up to the day but it was fine.

My DS was 6 weeks at the first funeral he attended and 13 months at the next.

It was good having him there. He made people smile and have something happy to talk about.

I took both my DDs to funerals when they were little. DD1 was about 8 months, and then the second time DD1 was 4 and DD2 was around 18 months. On both occasions it was nice to have them there- other members of the family were really pleased to see them and it wasn't at all awkward.

The only thing with a toddler is that they can get bored, so you do need to have someone who is prepared to take them out if they get noisy.

I agree. I have taken both of my boys to funerals.

Go prepared to take them out, and sit accordingly. My dh sat at the back at my granny's funeral and went for a drive with ds2 when he started to get fussy. Have snacked prepared in tubs (less noisy than packets) take several a quiet toy, like a push about car, plastic giraffe, and try to relax, 90% of the population don't mind small kids being a little noisy. And your family want you there.

no problem for me. just sit near the back in case you need to pop out promptly.

when our dear neighbour died a year ago, DD was only 10 months.
we took all the kids actually as Phyllis was like an Aunt to them.
All the people commented on how smart/pretty they looked and how lovely it was to see a young generation.

they were a nice distraction too, a "sight for sore eyes" one lady told me!

so just take him. it will be fine

and sorry for your loss

My nieces and nephews all went to my mum's funeral, 2 of them were 2 or under. My mum would have liked it, and they were a good distraction to the normal sadness. I'm from an Irish Catholic family, though, where kids at funerals are normal.

I'm glad I have read this.

I was relieved that my DD has arranged childcare for my GS at my DMs funeral next week. He is only 7 months old and I sort of felt that he shouldn't be there, might disrupt things etc.

I can see another side now, from others responses, and I think I will ask if she will reconsider.

It was my Gran's funeral on Tuesday, I took my dd who is 7.5months and my friend too her son 22months old. We made it clear children would be there and that was what everyone wanted. Dd did sleep for some if the service but when she woke we took her out of her pram and cuddled her and she enjoyed looking around.
My friends son enjoyed handing books out to people around him and having snacks.

At the wake dd wailed for quite a while as teething but that's all part of it. No one minded.

My brother is a vicar and always encourages people to bring babies and small children to funerals. Death is part of life.

Just as an after thought, a lot of people who attended enjoyed meeting dd after as my Gran had spoken so much about her, and they knew how proud she was to be a Great Gran, they said it was a privilege to see her.

And, dd was very grumpy before we left for the service, I was starting to think it could go horribly wrong, my dad (it was his mums funeral) said he wanted his whole family there, and that included a grumpy little one if that was how she was.

We brought her a beautiful dress, one that she can wear after in a beautiful colour and she really did help lighten things.

I really think it depends on the 'feel' of the funeral. I can imagine that a noisy child isn't everyone's ideal at such an event.

We took DD (20 months) to my grandfather's funeral in the summer. My DM wouldn't have had it any other way. It was a Humanist funeral though, done at the graveside. DD sat by the grave with some books and toys and giggled and chatted and everyone loved it. My biggest worry was that she would fall in the hole!

As the coffin was lowered she was very interested, but gave a very loud 'bye bye Papa' just at the right moment.....

It really depends on the circumstances.

Nessie

bye bye Papa just made me cry

Zings - she was very enthusiastic about it - and then went on round the graveyard saying 'bye bye' to all the other 'residents'....!

Thanks for helping. I don't know why I felt so weird really, I think it was more that hubby made the decision without consulting me & I found out from his Dad. Reading all your responses has made me feel better about taking him. I think it was because I didn't go to my first funeral until I was about 9 or 10 & have always seen them as a more adult things.

I will just make sure we really plan ahead in order to keep DS amused (not a great turn of phrase, I know) x

It's completely up to you. I can't see anyone having an issue with a baby being there and they will enjoy seeing them.

I will say this though and might get a lot of people disagreeing with me.

I took my dd to my FILs wake and although they had a good time, we played and an around and there was fun and laughter amongst the tears etc

But: babies and children seem to automatically become the cheer up crew, no one means any harm by it and they are just admiring and enjoying the baby/child. But they do sense that something's different and it can be a bit much for them to suddenly be passed around or hugged by or touched/spoken too suddenly by more people than they have ever met before.

It can unsettle them a bit.

I'm sort for your loss

Sorry

Nessie

excellent!

I think it depends on the immediate family tbh.

I dislike children at funerals. I dont want to conceal my grief to smile at someone elses child.