Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To feel weird about taking my 13 month old DS to a funeral?

67 replies

Juliacharles2012 · 24/01/2014 07:04

My DH's nan died last Friday of a massive heart attack aged 89. We were all very close (she adored DS as he was the 1st great grandchild). my FIL & his brother are in the process of arranging her funeral & asked if we'd bring DS to the whole thing, I said I wasn't sure it'd be entirely appropriate (I was planning on just taking him to the wake maybe). However, DH seems to have told his dad that we'll bring him to the whole thing (I know it's a sad time but I also know my FIL so I'm guessing he tried the same emotional blackmail speeches on his son as he did on me, it doesn't wash with me though).

FIL when I said I was unsure used all the usual "it's what mum would have wanted/it'd help my brother & I feel so much better" & even said the words, I wish I were kidding now, "You know what they say, out with the old & in with the new" referring to the generations of the family.

My question is simple, would you take a 13 month old to a full funeral plus a wake full stop (or just the wake)?

OP posts:

LindaMcCartneySausage · 24/01/2014 16:12

I'd go, but be mindful not everyone will appreciate a baby there. I

took DS2 to a funeral when he was 8wks old. Ideally, I wouldn't have, but I was EBF, funeral was an hour away and had no chance of childcare. He was also a dream baby who slept all the time (wouldn't have considered it with refluxy DS1!)

The funeral was for my best friend's DM - a wonderful lady. I wanted to pay my respects and asked my friend whether she'd prefer me to come with DS or not attend and send flowers. She was very upset, but actually v enthusiastic about DS being there, felt it would lighten the day and urged me to come and bring him.

Luckily, he was good as gold through a full Catholic requiem mass. And several people came up to me at the end and said they were glad to see children there.

yonisareforever · 24/01/2014 16:14

i took mine to funeral, one sour faced old bag said something mean but most loved seeing them, its about regernation, the cycle of life, and lifts peoples spritis, about the actual child, I do not think they know whats going so it wont bother them

thoughtsbecomethings · 24/01/2014 16:17

I would take kids to funerals. I took my 18 dd to her great granddad and everybody was pleased to see her and it lightened the mood.

BackforGood · 24/01/2014 16:23

No. I wouldn't / haven't.
I'm usually in a small minority about this on MN, but, I've been to a LOT of funerals in RL and I've hardly ever seen babies or small children there (not just people I know, but in the funeral before and the funeral after at the crem, or if I've been stewarding at our church for a family I don't know - I really have been at a LOT of funerals).
I wonder if it's a regional thing ?
With a baby, I suspect you'd get up and take them out if they cried / starting being noisy ? - Well, I wouldn't want to have to miss the funeral of someone I loved. I just don't understand why you'd want to, tbh.

Beachcombergirl · 24/01/2014 16:50

I have taken my dd to a funeral. She was 4 months old when my mum died suddenly and she came with us. Helped me enormously actually.

Housewife2010 · 24/01/2014 17:27

Personally I wouldn't take a small child to a funeral. At my Father's funeral my niece who was 3 at the time was there. Her other grandparents had promised to take her out if she made any noise, but during the vicar's tribute to my Dad, I kept hearing her rustling pages and I found it distracting. I agree that it can be nice for children to be at the Wake because it can lighten the mood.

Starballbunny · 24/01/2014 23:19

Also given DMIL lived five hours drive away I wasn't over burdened with people (not wanting to be at the funeral themselves) to babysit.

ancientbuchanan · 24/01/2014 23:43

I took Ds to.a huge affair, where I his take him out part way through because he would have drowned out everyone, but he was the life and soul of the party st the wake with an entrancing little girl called Ellie.

I also took him.to anothet family funeral where the only person who glowered at him was the actor Ben Kingsley. Everyone else wanted cuddles and wet kisses ( bk was a neighbour, not family).

SweetPeaPods · 25/01/2014 00:00

I took ds 6m to one last week.
He was fine, I took a couple of quiet toys and made sure he was full up before the service. He slept through most of the wake.
I would take him. At that age they don't know what's going on as too young but I found it a help having him there. Also, as all my family were there, there wasn't really anyone to look after him that knew him.

Nanny0gg · 25/01/2014 00:40

The interesting point is that most of you are looking at it from the point of view of the baby - that it won't upset them.
I don't suppose it will. But with all due respect, they're not the most important people in this situation. It's whether or not the baby will disturb/upset the mourners that is more important imo.

In this particular case, the OP has specifically been asked to take her DC by the chief mourners, so I can understand why she will take him.
If that isn't the case, then I don't think a funeral is any place to take them. It's all very well taking them out if they make a noise - but the disturbance has then already happened.

As I said before, the wake is an entirely different thing and I would never have a problem with children being there.

Starballbunny · 25/01/2014 01:49

We were chief moaners at DMILs funeral.

When I took DD aged about 5months to a DFs funeral I knew a) she'd feed not scream b) we were lurking by the door and c) the widow was the person who'd introduced me to the NCT and happily fed both her DCs in front of visitors.

FourArms · 25/01/2014 13:51

I took DS1 to my MIL's DM's funeral when he was 13m. I bf him in the front row and he (just walking) toddled round the coffin going from handle to handle.

She loved DS to bits so it was very right for him to be there.

He also went to FIL's DF's funeral. FIL is one of 7 (MIL is an only as is DH), so it wasn't so much 'our' funeral. I took him - he was a month old, but I'd have left if he'd played up at all.

Hopefully those will be the last for a long time.

BackforGood · 25/01/2014 17:01

Am loving the fact that Starballbunny was chief moaner at her MiL's funeral

BrandNewIggi · 25/01/2014 18:01

I have taken an 18 month old - if I hadn't taken him I couldn't have gone myself as noone to sit - and he fell asleep with the first hymn. I made sure I was near the door though, and I also apologised for bringing him to the chief mourners - but I think they were pleased we had come. A chatty 3 year old might be a lot harder.

kaffkooks · 25/01/2014 20:10

Joiningthegang · 25/01/2014 20:13

Sadly my dd went to 3 funerals by the age of 13 months. I took ds aged 8 weeks to a funeral too.

All part of the circle of life - BUT - these were all funerals of elderly relatives and all the children were there.

Had it been more tragic, would I think differently? I think I might

kaffkooks · 25/01/2014 20:18

My DS had been to 2 funerals by the time he was 3 months old. My father's and DH's great aunt's. Death is part of life and I feel very strongly that my child should know this so he will be coming to any future funerals, although I hope that won't be for a while yet. There were people who were worried that a baby would disturb the solemnity of the occasion but babies being disruptive is a part of life too. As it was I think a little baby made a horrible time a lot more bearable.

Flip

1 2 3