To feel weird about taking my 13 month old DS to a funeral?

[Juliacharles2012]

My DH's nan died last Friday of a massive heart attack aged 89. We were all very close (she adored DS as he was the 1st great grandchild). my FIL & his brother are in the process of arranging her funeral & asked if we'd bring DS to the whole thing, I said I wasn't sure it'd be entirely appropriate (I was planning on just taking him to the wake maybe). However, DH seems to have told his dad that we'll bring him to the whole thing (I know it's a sad time but I also know my FIL so I'm guessing he tried the same emotional blackmail speeches on his son as he did on me, it doesn't wash with me though).

FIL when I said I was unsure used all the usual "it's what mum would have wanted/it'd help my brother & I feel so much better" & even said the words, I wish I were kidding now, "You know what they say, out with the old & in with the new" referring to the generations of the family.

My question is simple, would you take a 13 month old to a full funeral plus a wake full stop (or just the wake)?

I understand what you mean Giles, the last thing I want is to unsettle my DS, if it starts to get too much for him at the Wake I will just have to ask my husband or someone with isofix (DS's car seat only works by this option which is a pain in the arse) to take us home from the wake.

I'm more worried about it being a long day without my DS getting the chance for a decent nap (he loves people & is a contagious flirt but he's like his mummy & without a decent sleep can go from angelic child to meltdown quicker than I can click my fingers).

Put it this way OP, my mother refused to take to me any funerals, not even for my lovely granddad who died when I was ten. Her gut instinct was that it was 'weird' or at least not right for children to be at a funeral. Her heart was in the right place.

However, fast forward a bit and, as luck (or bad luck) would have it, my first funeral experience was my mum's own funeral. It was extraordinarily traumatic, and I really think it wouldn't have been so bad if I wasn't shielded from the realities of life and death.

I'm sorry for your family's loss too

I probably wouldn't. If I had a baby at a funeral, my first priority would be to parent the baby and that would compromise on my ability to grieve.

If my baby became upset at all the others there being upset the I'd have to walk out so as not to disturb the grieving of others, as well as it disrupting my own grieving.

I am sorry for your and your DH's loss. My DS died in August and we were very pleased to have several small children at his funeral. They played and there were little squawks and noises, but it was comforting and life affirming to hear them in spite of our sadness. The parents made an effort not to let them make a lot of noise, but we would far rather have had their happy little playing noises (and them there) than their parents not being able to join us. Does that make sense?

I'm very sorry for your loss. If your DH's family think your DS should be there then I'd go with that. As mentioned above, just sit near an exit so you can nip out if need be.

My DD2's first major outing was a funeral - she was 3 days old. It was a very small, close funeral and people saw her presence as a renewal - our friend, whose mum's funeral it was, said 'one goes out, one comes in' and said it gave him comfort. DD2 slept through most of it.

I think that I would in those circumstances where it is your DH's Nan and you can fully look after him and take him out if necessary. I did not take my 13 month old to his father's funeral because all the people he knew best wouldn't have wanted to take him out and miss it. I would have taken him had he been old enough to explain.
Dying at 89yrs is 'part of life,' but dying in your 20's is not 'part of life' as far as I am concerned.
In your case it has been made plain that people would like it and so I would go for it.

Have also brought DC's to funerals. No one minded - it shows a sort of continuity, and it's definitely what the deceased would have wanted.

My 16 month old son waited in the car with his uncle while I attended my nanna's funeral, tgey both attended the wake (despite the uncle having never met my nanna) and the little one was immaculately behaved.

I think it's a parental choice thing, I wouldn't have been able to look after him at the crematorium because I was grieving too hard.

As the 'principal' mourners are happy for you to bring your DS then it's okay.

For me, call me old-fashioned, but I don't think it's appropriate. The poster above who said but actually everyone said he lightened the mood a bit and it was nice to have him there. - I didn't want the 'mood lightened' at my parents' funerals. I was grieving and it was a solemn occasion as far as I was concerned. I personally don't think funerals are the place for babies. They can be a huge (often unintentional) distraction and I don't think that's fair on others. Even if you take them out if they're noisy, the distraction has already happened.

However, no problem at all with taking them to the wake.

I took dd to my Nan's funeral when she was 22 months. She actually fell asleep on her push chair just before and slept through the whole thing!

DS1 went to his great-grandmother's funeral at about the same age. He sat with his Great-Aunt and Uncle from the other side of the family, at the back of the church and they kept him entertained with a story and a packet of raisins. It worked well as it meant that family close to Granny weren't disturbed, but people were happy to see him outside the church. He made one short noise that everyone heard but it was during a part of the service were the vicar was talking about how much she loved her grandchildren and great-grandchild so it made everyone smile.

I'm sure he won't remember the day at all as he was so young but it makes me happy that he was there for some reason, as at the moment he does remember her, although he's still very young and that will most likely fade in time.

'out with the old in with the new' does sound awful but I know what they mean - the vicar's new grandchild was at the wake for my dad and it was lovely having him (I think it was a him!) there, all of us, including my mum, loved seeing this beautiful wee baby, it was heartlifting at a sad time (my dad died in his early sixties, so before his time).

I suppose it means life goes on, life is for the living and even in times of sadness there is joy around us - or something like that, I'm sure someone will come along and put it better!

We intended to take my ds to a family funeral at that age but in the end I stayed outside with him because it was crowded and he would have got upset quickly. His grandma died when he was 3 and a relative looked after him in the church during that funeral, armed with sweets and quiet toys. He was still a bit noisy at times but she would have wanted him there and that was what mattered.

I'd take him - just posted on the other thread - I don't really understand why there is such an expectation that children won't / shouldn't go to funerals, or indeed why their presence means grief should be concealed. Death is part of life - it's shit, it's not how we want things to be, but it's how it is.
Personally, I found it a comfort at my baby's funeral that my 13 month old dn was there making his usual noises as they do (he'd just learnt to blow raspberries and make motorbike noises as I recall). Of course there was pain that my baby would never do that or anything else, but I had the same sort of feelings as lily said above. I totally relate to the view of your fil - a reminder of the cycle of life, and that new lives do come into the world, that there is good, and hope and life even in the midst of our worst sorrows.
Obviously if the people closest to the deceased felt as nanny did then you should be respectful of them, but as they clearly don't feel that way, why would you keep your child away?

(Yanbu to feel weird though, as death is such a taboo in our society and many people don't think dcs should attend funerals. And also yanbu to attend whichever bits fit so that your ds is ok with food/sleep at vaguely the right times to avoid meltdowns etc.).

Thanks everyone. It's been quite eye opening reading the mixture of responses.

My FIL has been on the phone this morning & told me that apparently he & his brother have unanimously agreed that Ethan should be there as it's what his great Nanny Vi (their mum) would have wanted.

I'm still a little nervous but apparently it's only going to be close family that DS has met on numerous occasions & a small group of friends (5 at most) from the sheltered accommodation unit where Vi lived.

Thank you all for taking the time to respond, I feel much better now

DD was 2.5 at DMILs funeral I still have a couple of orders of service covered in wax crayon scribbles. They are rather a sweet reminder of the cycle of life.

DMIL would have been very touched.

I think if they are small its ok. DS2 was 11months and I took him to my cousins funeral as I had no choice, he slept through most of it and woke up for the wake.
However I took my DS1 to my Nans funeral when he was 10 at his insistence and against my better judgement and he was traumatised. It was seeing adults crying and the coffin and everything, he says now he wishes he'd listened to me and not gone, and I wish I'd stuck to my guns and not let him.

Yes I would take them...they won't be upset or remember it. A baby at a funeral is rather a nice thing...it signifies the circle of life and it can break the tension.

Sorry for your loss

I would take him. Funerals are family events, I wouldn't exclude any family members. Irish Catholic here though and funerals are for all comers.

oh and when we went to said neighbours funeral my 8 year old said afterwards "mummy, I'm glad I went. I found out what her middle name was!"

I thought it was a sweet thing to say and also glad that is what seemed most important to him..

I did, twice in a week . He slept through both services but woke up for the gathering afterwards. Good distraction. There was one couple who did't bring their DD and it felt a bit odd tbh. The man whose funeral it was would have wanted her there.

I wouldn't have worded it quite like your FIL "out with the old and in with the new" but I get where he's coming from - the circle of life and all that. I bet DS will be a welcome distraction for people who are feeling sad - bring some cheer to an occasion that can be hard for lots of people.