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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is my new boyfriend weird/tight about money?

99 replies

laalmond · 23/01/2014 21:11

...or am I just being a grumpy cow?
We have been together for five and a half months. We have a great time together, I do love him and he loves me. He recently had to close his cafe and so is now looking for work. He was not really making much to begin with. That never bothered me.
I am a single mum, self employed and on a very low wage. We share the bills when we go out.
He is loving, cooks for me, has fixed stuff in the house, very, very generous in the bedroom. Perfect right?
There are the odd tiny things that bother me, but I can't tell if I'm being too money focused or intolerant about it all.
He says he's going to do things and never does..e.g buy a book I wanted for Christmas, said he had ordered it, but obviously never did. Don't really care about the lack of Xmas present, more that he lied.

He comes round twice a week, does the cooking, but always empty handed. I know I'm starting to sound like a nit picking cow, but I'm trying to feed myself and two kids here..times are tight. I wouldn't dream of going to his without a little something. I'm not expecting him to turn up with tonnes of food, but every now and again, something would be nice. It's more about the attitude than the "stuff"
He will take some sausages out of my freezer so he doesn't have to go to the shop on the way home. Again, I know, who gives a shit about sausages, but they were for the kids dinner.
I, of course am saying nothing, being nice and just venting on the internet. Great.
He really doesn't have any money now, I know that, but it feels like he thinks I have endless supplies of food. He has asked me for money once, I gave him a tenner.

When I went for lunch at his cafe, he charged me full whack, the waitress was really surprised.

I think I just need some perspective please. I know he is struggling, but he has enough to go to the pub once a week...

OP posts:
MissPryde · 23/01/2014 21:27

He might just need some perspective. I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt. His actions are pretty arsey, but it sounds like his financial situation isn't great, and as a single guy (no dc on his end?) he might be oblivious to things like, erm, your need to feed your children.

To me it sounds like a relationship two young childless people might have, and maybe that's all he's used to? I think you need to talk to him, and open his eyes a bit to the difference in your situations. Taking sausages out of the freezer wouldn't be a big deal if it was the two of you, he might truly not understand that you have food intended specifically for the children and he can't go mucking up your meal plans, if you don't tell him so.

I like Randy's idea as well. Quick way to spot a cocklodger, that.

Mandala72 · 23/01/2014 21:27

He's met the kids once. ( my choice as wanted to take that part slow) really sweet. Now I'm doubting the whole thing.

Mandala72 · 23/01/2014 21:28

Oh he has two kids. Forgot to mention

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/01/2014 21:28

The tenner made me feel less nice towards him. I cannot stand borrowing or asking for money between people in new relationships. The sausages too.

squoosh · 23/01/2014 21:29

Does he contribute financially towards his own kids?

Mandala72 · 23/01/2014 21:30

Squoosh I have a feeling he doesn't.

paxtecum · 23/01/2014 21:30

I agree with everyone else.
He is being mean & tight.
Get rid.

Nancy66 · 23/01/2014 21:31

being cautious when you have little money is one thing but this guy is actually taking advantage of you and that's not a nice trait

MissPryde · 23/01/2014 21:33

Ah, him having kids does change my perspective. He should have a grip by now. I could make allowances if he was a young, childless guy without a clue. If he's got his own kids, he knows better. If he's not contributing to his own, and doesn't seem concerned about your responsibility to your own, he's not going to change.

Mandala72 · 23/01/2014 21:39

No. I don't think he will. Pity. Thank you.

Blu · 23/01/2014 21:46

oooh, I like the idea of helping myself to stuff from friends cupboards to save me having to go shopping!

OK, you need to talk to him, I think. It may be that he doesn't realise how c sh strapped you are - is either mistaken , or is oblivious. It may be that he views his 'in kind' help as a direct swap for sausages and the ingredients for dinner, e.g that the act of cooking is a fair swap for the cost of the ingredients. or a significant fixing-stuff job is a fair swap for a packet of sausages. And in a way, maybe it is: he is skint and has time, energy and skills. I would feed him on hand made organic venison sausages if he came and fixed stuff in my house!

But then that's because I am solvent. Time, energy and skills are elastic, your grocery budget isn't.

How did the sausage incident occur? Did you offer but not mean it? Did he ask and you felt you couldn't say no, or did he simply take them without asking?

You could try and make things clear: if he is coming over say 'I have some pasta and tomatoes - can you pick up some cheese and mince?', and be prepared to say 'oi! Those are for the kids tea!' if he goes in the freezer. Be prepared, now you know what he is like.

However I am giving hi the benefit of the doubt here. I can't think of any benefit to him charging you full whack in his café.

PfftTheMagicDraco · 23/01/2014 21:47

Why didn't you just say that he couldnt have the sausages? Confused

Mandala72 · 23/01/2014 21:50

I know. I should have said the sausages were for the kids. I was an idiot, that's why.

Mandala72 · 23/01/2014 21:55

Holy crap. I just called him and spilled my guts. I feel sick. He said he lied about the book because he felt so guilty. It was not his intention to do all this and he's sorry. The sausages thing I didn't bring up as it was an intense conversation. I might see how things are now I've said all this to him.

LyndaCartersBigPants · 23/01/2014 21:57

My DP calls on his way over to see if I want him to pick up food. He rarely arrives empty handed and often tucks some cash in my drawer towards food when he's here.

He buys things I need and won't hear of me repaying him and I do the same. Neither of us are loaded, but he says he doesn't want to be a burden on me and if there's a run of days where he's here a lot he'll make sure he pulls his weight with cooking, shopping, washing up etc.

Any less than that is taking the piss and I agree that if your man is showing tight tendencies already there's no hope for improvement.

Mandala72 · 23/01/2014 22:01

Lynda-that is how It was with my ex. Never an issue.

LEMmingaround · 23/01/2014 22:03

i don't think its about tightness, i think he is genuinely piss poor just having lost his business, but him not contributing financially to his own children is a huge red flag to me. I think you could be letting yourself in for a lot of heartache :(

LEMmingaround · 23/01/2014 22:04

you do realise you have your original name now don't you OP?

Mandala72 · 23/01/2014 22:07

I do lemingaround. Thank you.

Mandala72 · 23/01/2014 22:08

I don't think he can afford to contribute towards his kids. But yes. Not looking good.

DuskAndShiver · 23/01/2014 22:14

It might not just be tightness (which is bad enough) but also a sense of entitledness around women / mothers. I have known some guys like this, who are like this because the woman has children, and an organised house, and stuff in the freezer, etc - which she has worked bloody hard to put there. So they just sort of view her in this "caretaker" light - I have heard the entitled little shits say things like "I'm going round to x's later, she's always got food in" [self-satisfied smirk] And they did it to me too, although I had no kids I always liked to keep a nice, homey place.
If I were rich as Croesus I wouldn't put up with that again. If money is tight, then a whole world of fuck that noise.

LEMmingaround · 23/01/2014 22:17

Is this a very temporary glitch in his life though? or is he generally someone who goes through life with no money? Does he have debts?

I know this sounds mecenary but having had, and still do have, financial difficulties it is not something i could ever go through again. If i ever split from DP any future partner would have to be solvent.

DuskAndShiver · 23/01/2014 22:21

I don't think it matters if he will ever have any money, you can be utterly skint and still not treat a person like that.

I would have more respect for a person that gave a homemade voucher for a footrub for Christmas than lied about a book.

If a person was incapable of feeding themselves, I would rather they said "sorry to ask this but I am starving, please can I make some pasta before I go home" then "I'll take these sausages, cheers". He is being sneaky and disrespectful. and going to the pub. What he is actually thinking, as he gets a round in in the pub, is "I can spend this tenner because I'll be eating at Mandala's tomorrow. And I bet I can take something home with me too." And that is what makes him a shit. Not not having a lot of money.

Electryone · 23/01/2014 22:22

OP have you name changed half way through your thread? Confused

Supercosy · 23/01/2014 22:27

What a shame. I think your instinct on this is right though. There are few things less attractive than someone who is tight fisted or even worse who tries to regularly sponge off you. I could not cope with that, it would really lessen my respect for someone.