AIBU to be upset about what this counsellor has said?

[slidingtoomanydoors]

I have had a really difficult three years with an on going health condition, several close family bereavements, attempted suicide in the family, very ill Father, so have been recommended for counselling by my GP.

I started the sessions 3 weeks ago and today was my 3rd session. During the session I began to talk about feeling a little out of sync with the friends who live further away, who I don't see on a daily basis (as I find it hard to describe how difficult things have been)
The Counsellor said to me that maybe that's because they think I'm false. She went on to say that I had been smiling during the sessions and that to her I seemed, 'like one of those cheesy promotions people.'

Now I know that I do have a habit of smiling in situations I feel uncomfortable in, it is like a defence mechanism. But this would only be around strangers (which she effectively is at present) and I would never feel the need to do this around my friends.
I'm not saying it's a great thing to do but in the last year things have been really tough and the only way I haven't completely fallen apart is by trying to seem positive around people, in particular strangers/people I don't know as well.

It's just left me feeling a bit shit and that I don't really want to carry on seeing her. I'm not sure whether to say something to her or just see how things go over the next session (which isn't for two weeks.) I was really pleased to be having the sessions and was hoping to process all the things that have go on.

So am I just being over sensitive or do I need to change my counsellor?

Be gentle with me :)

Pressed send too soon.

It was meant to be grief counselling, not therapy - my brother had just been murdered. It seemed to me that the NHS just pushed me in the direction of whoever was available regardless of their speciality. Were it not for the lovely counsellor I saw years later for my PND, I'd have assumed that that was how counselling worked and never gone near it again.

that is a shame that you were put with the wrong type of counsellor glad you found a better counsellor for you

psychodynamic is not easy it is long term and more challenging

bereavement tends to be a few months at the most and is more gentle in its approach though different agencies will have different training

Smiling is a really common response to being nervous or scared. Anyone with a smattering of knowledge about anxiety would know this.

So for me, it would be the fact that she seems ignorant of this fact rather than challenged you which would make me change counsellors, sharpish.

The fact that she doesn't know this is alarming.

She was heavily critical of you, implying that your friends find you insincere and it is because you are in fact, insincere. I am sure that you were musing on the enormous difficulty you have had in the last 3 years and that you wished you could explain it better to them.
The question now is, in the context of your life, where you have been emotionally battered, is there any point in challenging this? On the one hand you may get satisfaction from "fixing" it, one thing you can control etc on the other hand it may well be that she is tone deaf! Tricky! Good luck and i hope things get a bit easier soon.

I sent her a text (she is an NHS counsellor but has given me her mobile) asking if she had an email address I could contact her on. She then called me immediately but as I was at work I couldn't pick up, she left me a voicemail saying to call her back at any time today.
I'm not sure what to do - I don't really want to get into something on the phone with her. The reason I wanted to make contact with her is so that she has a right to reply before I made a complaint. I'd imagine patient complaints are taken quite seriously against practitioners so wanted to see if I could sort it by saying how I felt first.
I understand what you are saying Freudian about her not being my friend but I'm really not the sort of person who would be calling her with issues at all hours however I do feel that this is something that needs to be addressed as it is more to do with her conduct than what's happened to me.

Not sure what do to. Am a bit annoyed that something that was meant to help has become a stress in itself!

Ps I sent the message before I'd read the posts about counsellors speaking over email - which makes sense!

Oh dear, she doesn't sound a very good/experienced counselor.

I've had some basic counseling training as part of my training as a psychiatric nurse (though I don't work in this role ATM) and have been introduced to the idea of people's expressions being different to what they are saying.

Basically a good counselor will notice this, and possibly challenge very gently if they feel that may be helpful (though I'm yet to be convinced how helpful this is, especially with particularly sensitive people/ those with any issues around criticism)

So, I think the best appraisal of the situation and way of looking at things is that you probably have a rather inexperienced counselor. Possibly they may get better at their job with practice but I wouldn't want them practicing on me given the things that were said to you in this session

the choice has to be yours if you want to make a complaint or not, if you want to address the issue with her in therapy or not but not outside of therapy it is unprofessional and she should inform you that she can not get into a discussion with you about it unless you are in a session

Oh I'd just ask to change counsellors now.

I hear what others are saying about being bound to work within the councellor- client relationship but I think it's missing the rather important point that this communication should absolutely not be happening as part of a councelling session. The OP has pulled out of that dynamic and isnt (& shouldnt) be continuing that power dunamic or constract of behaviours.

The councellor has done something unprofessional and not ok in her role as a councellor, and the OP needs to communicate as you would to any professional, before a decision is taken either by the OP or mutually if she still has any trust or reason to engage with the councellor.

This isn't content within a councelling session, its not about the type of councelling or sone kind of clever psychological strategy. If it in any way could be, then yes, dealing with it can be seen as part and parcel of the whole treatment. But this is not whats happening, it's a standing back and reassessment of the whole thing, based on something inappropriate that has been said.

So I'm afraid the rationale of she 'must' not communicate with her and she must go back into a councelling dynamic with someone who has really destroyed that, well, it doesn't wash.

These sessions make clients incredibly vulnerable and they have an uneven power dynamic, and many unwrktten boundaries, which should be respected. The fact that the councillor has already trod all over that means its probably quite intimidating.

Personally if a councellor behaved in an unprofessional / inexperienced manner then I would not feel ok about 'having' to confront her face to face, and would walk away rather than be forced into that. Rules and conventions around councelling shouldn't end up stopping anyone from complaining or asking for an explanation of the 'professional experience' or 'service' they receive.

OP, I think either text again saying there is a matter that you'd prefer to communicate by email, but if the councellor doesn't feel able to do that, the OP can leave a letter at reception for her. Don't be forced into a conversation if you don't want to. As you have said, this was supposed to help you through stress and trauma, not add to it.

My psychotherapist made me think, but not by insultingme!
You deserve better than insults.