AIBU to be upset about what this counsellor has said?

[slidingtoomanydoors]

I have had a really difficult three years with an on going health condition, several close family bereavements, attempted suicide in the family, very ill Father, so have been recommended for counselling by my GP.

I started the sessions 3 weeks ago and today was my 3rd session. During the session I began to talk about feeling a little out of sync with the friends who live further away, who I don't see on a daily basis (as I find it hard to describe how difficult things have been)
The Counsellor said to me that maybe that's because they think I'm false. She went on to say that I had been smiling during the sessions and that to her I seemed, 'like one of those cheesy promotions people.'

Now I know that I do have a habit of smiling in situations I feel uncomfortable in, it is like a defence mechanism. But this would only be around strangers (which she effectively is at present) and I would never feel the need to do this around my friends.
I'm not saying it's a great thing to do but in the last year things have been really tough and the only way I haven't completely fallen apart is by trying to seem positive around people, in particular strangers/people I don't know as well.

It's just left me feeling a bit shit and that I don't really want to carry on seeing her. I'm not sure whether to say something to her or just see how things go over the next session (which isn't for two weeks.) I was really pleased to be having the sessions and was hoping to process all the things that have go on.

So am I just being over sensitive or do I need to change my counsellor?

Be gentle with me :)

I don't mean to hijack, OP, but can I ask a quick question of you wise people - someone mentioned up thread the 'difference between a counsellor and a therapist'. I've never been able to pin down precisely what this is, and have even seen suggestions that the terms are used interchangeably and that anyone can use either term. Mine uses both on her website. But the above comment implies therapists are more highly qualified/have further training. Anyone shed light on this?

For what it is worth, I would be very unhappy with anyone making this comment to me when I was vulnerable and turning to them for support and would certainly be leaving feedback with the practice, even if only after the sessions were over.

anyone can go on a short course and call themselves a counsellor or therapist. if they have studied in one area they may call themselves a person centred counsellor or an integrative counsellor (this would be longer training as covers a number of different theories)

if they have studied psychotherapy they are more likely to call themselves a psychotherapist or integrative psychotherapist but many use the term counsellor

you need to check someone's training and see if they are accredited member of the bacp or ukcp or if a member what their training is

i know of counsellors that have not even one years training. regulations are being put in place but many in the profession are against having such guidelines to follow. no about of theory can teach you to be empathic but understanding the theory or theories that you are working with is essential and most importantly working out what is your issues and what is the client's issues

Sometimes "counsellor" seems to imply a more supportive stance and "psychotherapist" more transformative, perhaps. But, generally, as FreudiansSlipper said, the terms are used interchangeably.

Wow

I recently lost a job I constantly got told to smile in, good riddance, unhealthy to be encouraged to be so fake

But I would have thought that consellors were supposed to encourage people to be positive all the time?

Really don't understand this. Ask your friends gently what they think if you're worried she's right ( I'm sure she isn't)

Tell her she's very abrupt and ask her if she's even got any friends.

I never got on with the counsellors that GP gave me, (one for depression following an assault and the other following a period of depression), they made a huge point of telling me how many sessions I could have and how long the waiting list was but also each of them told me something similar about myself, referring to my behaviour in the session and also making me feel shit about it.

Anyhow change counsellor, better still if you can afford it go private, google, ask around etc. one session with a hand selected guy was a great help to me (I had about ten sessions in total with my guy) Many counsellors working for big clinics (such as The Priory) will also have a private practise and see people outside of clinic hours.

Best wishes OP

Change! Sometimes patients and counsellors just don't gel and it makes it very difficult to get the end result you both hope for. I'm not suggesting you should be best buds with your counsellor, but you should feel comfortable and at ease with them.
On the other hand, any kind of therapy feels pretty horrible before it feels like you're getting anywhere helpful. I've sometimes blamed the therapist for sessions feeling difficult, when actually it was just the nature of the beast, and it did get easier and more helpful as the weeks went on.
Best of luck to you. I hope things improve for you.

That is very unprofessional, she basically insulted you, which is unacceptable. I would not see her again and I would make a complaint. Counsellors are meant to challenge your feelings gently not insult you making you feel bad.

Agree with Piglet
"Counsellors are meant to challenge your feelings gently not insult you making you feel bad."

I would add to that:
Councellors are supposed to help you move forwards through self understanding and regaining self esteem. They are not supposed to make negative personal comments which will make you hyper vigilant and self conscious about your coping mechanisms without even bothering to help you put other and stronger coping mechanisms in place.

I agree misc, how is insulting someone helping them move forward. If the counsellor thinks your false how is that helpful, it might possibly exacerbate negative feelings that somebody may already have about themselves!

I am a therapist and am appalled that she said that to you! I would find another counsellor after that, unprofessional and I would have been upset with a comment like that in your shoes.
on your behalf!

Thank you again for all your replies. After stewing about it over night I've decided I need to say something to her. I'm
going to send her a text this morning asking for her email address. Any ideas what I should say?

well that is something you could take to your next session, how you are feeling and that you want to tell her how you feel it may come as a surprise what comes up

she will not be engaging with you via email, or she certainly should not be

some private therapists will have phone contact with their clients, i have personally not heard of any nhs therapists/counsellor doing so. it is a boundary issue, she is not your friend/colleague to have a discussion with when the time suits you (that does sound harsh) the time and setting is to get the best out of the sessions and sometimes that means a client has to sit with how the feel for some time

Why don't you try writing a letter and leaving it at the GP's reception and ask them to pass it on to her? You could say that you are not willing to have another session until this is addressed and, should it not be satisfactorily dealt with, you will be complaining to the GP.

On another note, she has made you feel shit which is horrible given that you have had such an awful time of it. From the way you write, though, whilst you seem upset she has been horrid, you seem quite stable. What if she came out with one of her cruel and judgemental comments to someone who was suicidal? It may be that she has a history of this sort of thing and that all she needs to do is say the wrong thing to the wrong person and cause them to try to kill themselves. I would definitely talk to your GP about what she say. Inappropriate to the max.

but that is not how a counselling works

by all means make a complaint if you feel she is unprofessional but writing letters and expecting the issue to be addressed before you go forward is not part of the counselling process, that is what you would do with someone you know a friend, colleague etc

if you disagreed with your doctor, felt they were being unprofessional would you be writing letters demanding something back from them before seeing them again?

boundaries are put in place to protect client and therapist

I personally would not do that, for me she destroyed te client therapist relationship when she said those things, I therefore coud not continue with somebody like tat. Either take that to the next session and talk to her about it, or do not continue with her anymore and make a complaint.

Counsellors are meant to gently point things like this out to clients, but it sounds as though your counsellor is inexperienced, or tactless, or downright rude.

I am another 'smiler' and my wonderful counsellor has gently pointed it out to me a couple of times, and I am more aware of it now. She has never made me feel bad about it though. Counsellors are meant to encourage self-awareness whilst at the same time building up your self esteem.

that is not strictly true that counsellors point things out in a gentle way, not all approaches are on the gentle side

maybe this counsellor was experimenting, trying to be too ambitious i am not sure

but wanting to tell her how you feel is something to maybe work with, or maybe not but wanting her to exchange emails/letters is not something she can or should be doing

Yes I agree Freudian. I don't think writing letters or emails is the way for the OP to go. She either needs to tell the counsellor that she is upset about what was said, let it go, or not go to any further sessions with that counsellor

Sounds like a rubbish counsellor. I had counselling 4 years ago. To begin with she said she was there to listen and that she'd ask me occasional questions to direct the conversation if necessary.

She never made me feel judged or passed personal comments. She was there to help me put things right in my head. I thought she was excellent because she gave me the power, for want of a better word, to put things right, prioritise my worries and deal with stress without feeling pressured.

OP, I think you need a different counsellor. The fact is anyone can get a counselling qualification. Doesn't mean they are any good at it though.

if anyone is interested in different approaches watch Gloria with Fritz Pearls (who calls her a phoney at one point regarding her smiling when she is uncomfortable) and her session with Carl Rogers. only need to watch a few minutes to see the difference

very different approaches

You need a different counsellor. I wouldn't address this with her, she doesn't sound like the sort who'd take it well - or would turn it around on you. And really, don't email or text. I don't think they encourage that sort of thing. See your GP and ask if you can change.

First time I saw a counsellor it nearly put me off for good. She was a cold, hard bitch who basically sat in silence and watched me cry for half an hour at a time (my brother had been murdered). Asked me apropos of nothing if I'd been breastfed (wtf?) and when I said no (60's baby) she said 'so there was no affection from your mother, then?' She also, when she'd been away on holiday and I asked her if she'd had a good time, gave me a deathstare and said 'it's inappropriate for you to even ask that!' (as your woman sounds like she's in the same vein that's why I think she'd see your email as a hideously inappropriate intrusion!)

I came out every week feeling like a plaster had been ripped off a raw wound and salt rubbed in, and was glad when it was over (although she was keen to encourage me to see her privately - yeah, right!). Like others here, I was young and naive and didn't realise I could ask for another counsellor, it being on the NHS.

Ffwd 15 years to when I had PND and the contrast couldn't have been greater, I saw a lovely woman who really helped me see things differently, gently and positively.

but it is not necessary for you to know if your counsellor had a nice holiday - different therapists and the the approach they take would respond in a different way but what difference does it make to the clients therapy

psychodynamic approach often does leave you feeling very raw, the therapist will often appear cold and detached and that can leave you feeling very frustrated and confused, it is a way for the work to be totally about you, it is not easy person centred is a more gentle approach but at times all therapy will be a bit of a roller-coaster ride

Being made to feel uncomfortable by being encouraged to talk about difficult things is very different to being made to feel uncomfortable by having your defence mechanism totally misunderstood and commented on in such a way. I smile at things to try and stop myself crying about them, I think that is a natural and common way of dealing in people that hate to cry in front of others.

To say someone comes across as false because they 'smile' in the face of adversity is ridiculous, it, clearly isn't a 'real' smile, doesn't reach the eyes etc, it is there purely to try and make things are better than they really are. To then say that perhaps people avoid you because they think you are false is bloody ridiculous, change your counsellor OP x

I'm a counsellor (BACP accredited after a long period of training.) I would change counsellors. There's a big difference in reflecting back to someone what they do (eg your habit of smiling when you're uncomfortable) and telling someone that they're false!!

No, Freudian, it wasn't necessary for me to know and tbh I didn't really care, I was just trying to be polite - I didn't need to get told off like I'd asked her what her fave position was in bed....

If that's the psychodynamic method you can keep it.