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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset about what this counsellor has said?

86 replies

slidingtoomanydoors · 23/01/2014 17:48

I have had a really difficult three years with an on going health condition, several close family bereavements, attempted suicide in the family, very ill Father, so have been recommended for counselling by my GP.

I started the sessions 3 weeks ago and today was my 3rd session. During the session I began to talk about feeling a little out of sync with the friends who live further away, who I don't see on a daily basis (as I find it hard to describe how difficult things have been)
The Counsellor said to me that maybe that's because they think I'm false. She went on to say that I had been smiling during the sessions and that to her I seemed, 'like one of those cheesy promotions people.'

Now I know that I do have a habit of smiling in situations I feel uncomfortable in, it is like a defence mechanism. But this would only be around strangers (which she effectively is at present) and I would never feel the need to do this around my friends.
I'm not saying it's a great thing to do but in the last year things have been really tough and the only way I haven't completely fallen apart is by trying to seem positive around people, in particular strangers/people I don't know as well.

It's just left me feeling a bit shit and that I don't really want to carry on seeing her. I'm not sure whether to say something to her or just see how things go over the next session (which isn't for two weeks.) I was really pleased to be having the sessions and was hoping to process all the things that have go on.

So am I just being over sensitive or do I need to change my counsellor?

Be gentle with me :)

OP posts:
LEMmingaround · 23/01/2014 18:08

I used to make my counseller laugh all the time, but she saw through that and told me i use humour as a defense, its much the same thing as smiling and laughing alot, oh and i talk ten to the dozen when im nervous. She was right. She certainly did not tell me i was false!

candycoatedwaterdrops · 23/01/2014 18:08

YANBU. Like LEM said, they might challenge you but not at this stage. Counsellors are different to therapists, their role is not to do the sort of work that a therapist should be doing. I'd run a mile if a counsellor did that to me.

Oblomov · 23/01/2014 18:14

Good God. What terrible thing to say.
How is that helpful? How is that counselling?
My CBT counsellor was lovely, sympathetic. I got nothing out of CBT, but atleast she was lovely.
She would never have said such a thing.

itsnotthateasy · 23/01/2014 18:14

Some Counsellor !

YANBU .. get a new one ..

ButEmilylovedhim · 23/01/2014 18:19

The counsellor I had through the gp was dangerous. She misinterpreted things I said, told me I should leave DH and that we were damaging the children. I only went for some help with PND! This was by the third session. I felt suicidal over the things she said but thank God I came to my senses and realised she was very wrong. I never went back. She wrote me a letter but I didn't reply. I did tell my gp some months later though. It's frightening the power these people have when you consider they are dealing with someone who is vunerable to start with.

GuernseyTeddy · 23/01/2014 18:29

If it made you feel uncomfortable, then definitely speak to her about it. But I would bear in my mind that therapy is not meant to be easy. It will make you address things in your life, personality traits that perhaps aren't working for you....but all of this is good. You're obviously attending counselling for a reason, and it's going to be hard admitting some things.

I've had several spells of counselling/therapy and each have improved my life for the better. Last time I saw a therapist it was due to my difficulty in building relationships; I had completely cut myself off from all family and whenever anything wasn't working for me I just left. I was 28 and had no significant relationships in my life, two years on I have my son and it's a priority for me to foster his family relationships.

Try and keep at it if you can. I know it's very hard.

worriedabout · 23/01/2014 18:30

The counsellor is definitely the problem.

I am sure a lot of people do the smiling thing or something similar. I would ask her the opposite - why would you tell a complete stranger / casual acquaintance what was going on in your life?

MiscellaneousAssortment · 23/01/2014 18:33

Well I have been to councelling and that's massively out of order.

A councellors role absolutely has to be non judgmental, and this God awful woman has not only been judgmental but has spontaneously decided to project her own insult onto your friend - with absolutely no reason to do that. It's supposed to be a safe space for you to explore and come to terms with what's happened and build self esteem. What a nasty woman, and a shockingly bad counceller.

Is this through your GP or private? If through your GP you need to complain to gp or the organisation running it. Of private they'll be a member of an accrediting organisation do if you felt up to it complain. But whatever you do, move councellers.

I'm angry and shocked on your behalf Flowers

Original poster
slidingtoomanydoors · 23/01/2014 18:37

GuernseyTeddy

I'm glad things have become better for you since counselling.
I'm by no means saying I'm perfect but I am attending counselling to try and talk through some of the awful things that have happened rather than to try and 'fix' something I am worried about - if that makes sense.

After reading the replies I think I do need to say something but I'm not sure I have the emotional reserves to :s

OP posts:
CraftyBuddhist · 23/01/2014 18:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kobacat · 23/01/2014 18:40

I once had a counsellor try to sell me Herbalife (I was taking omeprazole to ward off crippling stress-induced reflux: "oh," she said, "you can't put CHEMICALS in your body!") and then give me her daughter's CV, because I worked at a translation agency. In the same session.

(Horribly enough, she and her husband ran a joint practice specialising in the counselling of cancer patients. I hope she didn't try to sell them Herbalife. This was not in the UK, btw, so hopefully none of you will run into her.)

OP, I don't think for a moment your counsellor should have said something so wounding. Having had waaaaaay too much time in therapy down the years, I've come to the conclusion that some people go into it for the wrong reasons, and perhaps she is one. Not on at all. I hope you can find better support.

FreudiansSlipper · 23/01/2014 18:46

oh dear that is not good

i hope she has taken that to supervision

had you in anyway op said that you feel others may see you as being fake? was she paraphrasing in any way what you had said (though i suspect she wasn't)

i often have clients come back to me and say well i took your advice (i do not give advice) or you said blah blah blah when all i have done is reflect on what has been said by them, it takes a while to work through that

you do not have to like your counsellor at times you may really dislike your counsellor that is all part of the process but you should not feel as though your counsellor is making personal judgements on you, though it may feel like that at times for some clients though her choice of words is rather Hmm

there are other counsellors around look on bacp website and you will also find links to low cost counselling

NewtRipley · 23/01/2014 18:47

That's an unprofessional and judgmental way of phrasing it. I would guess she's not very experienced or not very good.

Not all counsellors are the same.

NewtRipley · 23/01/2014 18:48

I agree with Freudian, too.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 23/01/2014 18:50

Btw I've been to good and bad councellers over the years. The best was someone who really helped me reframe and rethink things, so not a 'yes man' at all. However, he never made me feel vulnerable, insulted or judged. Calling someone 'false' isn't exactly a helpful challenge is it, especially as she barely knows you.

The worst councillor I've had brought their own personal value judgements into the room and got it very wrong. I was younger and never went back and never complained, just slunk off feeling bad about myself.

I had been trying to explain how the man I was dating made me feel uncomfortable though I couldn't explain why and wanted to work through it with her as I was worried. She leapt to his defense and said I was being nasty and playing games with him and I needed to split up with him to minimize the way I was going to hurt him!!! I remember being completely shocked and felt forced to defend myself which she beat down and had me agreeing what a nasty person I was being to him. Errr, I hadn't talked about anything I'd said or done that could have been misinterpreted, so quite where she got this nastiness from I've no idea. I went away feeling like I couldn't trust my own feelings at all and proceeded to get into quite a dangerous situation with this man.

I empathize with how you must feel when you try and open up to someone and they put a harsh judgement onto you which comes out of their heads, not yours.

Original poster
slidingtoomanydoors · 23/01/2014 18:56

Freudian

She definitely wasn't paraphrasing as I don't think that - I think that's why it upset me.
The difficulty I have is that they are so far away so we often only catch up for a weekend every few months, it's then hard to really say all that has been going on without ruining a nice time! My health condition is also a fluctuating one so I may be fine when we meet up but I maybe really unwell the next week.
I have great friends but I think it's hard to understand a lot of things that have happened without actually being here, and that is what I was trying to get across.
Thank you for the information I'll look at that :)

OP posts:
Onesie · 23/01/2014 18:56

Email. There was a better way should could have worded things and in turn that has raised concerns about how she will work with you in the future.

Onesie · 23/01/2014 18:59

Can you email or phone your friends or have a private discussion on FB? You could say you are contacting now because you love your time with them and wouldn't want to put a dampener on it

Original poster
slidingtoomanydoors · 23/01/2014 19:01

Onesie

I don't have an email for her only a mobile number. I'd like to give her a right to reply without taking it to her boss or the GP Practice Manager but I'm not sure I have the energy to get into a confrontation especially as this was meant to be a process to help in a difficult situation not add to it.

Miscellaneous
Sorry you went through that - hope it turned out ok. I think what you say about wanting just to, 'talk things through' is right and I feel came to a judgement that isn't me.

OP posts:
Original poster
slidingtoomanydoors · 23/01/2014 19:04

Onesie

That is a good suggestion and is what I have been trying to do of late. Think I was just musing more that anything and actually in the scheme of things isn't the biggest trauma I want to off load so is weird it became such a big thing.

OP posts:
MajesticWhine · 23/01/2014 19:07

It sounds like it was badly phrased. If you are not happy then definitely change counsellors. But if you feel able, it might be worth sticking with it and discussing what she said and how it made you feel. I think that would be the most fruitful way to proceed. Counselling is often about learning something new through the relationship. Counsellors are not perfect and perhaps she can learn something from you too.

Melawen · 23/01/2014 19:09

That's appalling!! I second those people that have said that your counsellor is meant to challenge you but not in such language! There are many ways of getting people to examine theirselves with regards to issues that the counsellor thinks need looking at, but this is NOT one of them!!

MiscellaneousAssortment · 23/01/2014 20:00

sliding that's really nice, don't worry I was fine, the rubbish one was in my early twenties, and although I was very upset at the time, the fact that the man turned out to be very clearly bad was actually a good thing for me - made it clear to me I should have trusted those niggles I felt and tried to understand with that councillor.

I returned to councelling 10 years later, and it was completely different. A good councillor is amazing and can change your whole world view. I'm sorry that you didn't find someone who can help you heal. If you can I'd try another and hope you can get that experience yourself. Sounds like you need it Cake

strongurgetofly · 23/01/2014 20:06

Really outrageous thing to say. I'm also a chronic smiler, counselors are there to help you build yourself up, that was a blatant criticism and it is very common for people to smile or laugh nervously. Cowbag.

sykadelic15 · 23/01/2014 20:22

Agree with everyone else, change counsellor for sure.

A good counsellor would have said something like "I've noticed you smile a lot in these sessions even when talking about bad things, are you aware of that?"... especially when you're feeling so vulnerable.

First she needs to build you up, and THEN she can start to challenge things... otherwise she's just beating you down more.