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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex threatening court, unborn baby

143 replies

marleyandme2014 · 23/01/2014 12:49

Posting here for more traffic as need so advice urgently.

Currently 40+6 and been having a slow early labour for 3 days now.

Last week or so (basically from my due date) my ex has been absolutely vile towards me - sending angry abusive text messages, telling me what a bad parent I'll be, how I'm mentally unstable (I'm not), how he will be taking me to court and he is going to show them what kind of person I really am.

I asked him why? I have not refused contact once the baby is born. I have said I won't be putting him on the birth cert initially and this is one of the reasons he will take me to court - to gain his 'rights'.

I am with my long term partner (ex was a fling during a break in my relationship - not proud of it but there you go). Ex is so angry, he is badmouthing me to anyone who will listen and has now started talking about turning my mum against me (which would never happen as we are very close).

I don't know what my first steps should be. I obviously am trying not to get too stressed because I don't want to cause problems with the birth, but I am so upset. This person is foreign and I'm scared he will get parental rights, then a passport and take her away from me.

OP posts:

CuttedUpPear · 24/01/2014 18:33

I thought it would only be a matter of time before some FFJ nutter jumped on this thread.

Ignore, ignore OP, you have nothing to worry about.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 24/01/2014 18:39

Cutted
I don't think there is anyone from FFJ on this thread. There is a long established poster who has suggested a different perspective which you might not agree with. That doesn't mean you get to label them and call names.

HappyMummyOfOne · 24/01/2014 18:48

Ooh so stick up for the man and you suddenly belong to FFJ

In the op's other post she was already seeking financial support so quite happy to have the extra income and a child that she couldnt have with her partner yet denies the actual father any rights.

We have no proof he is being abusive only the OP's side of the story which to be honest doesnt exactly paint her as a saint. Suspect she is looking for a way to cut him out so she can play happy famies with a little extra income.

jacks365 · 24/01/2014 18:55

There are one or two people who have lived pretty lucky and sheltered lives who do not fully realise the implications of adding a father to a birth certificate. It should just be a legal record of parentage but it isn't and therein lies the issue for example say there is a medical issue with the child, the father would be able to refuse treatment just to be awkward. He could refuse permission for the child to go on a school trip, he could access any savings accounts in the childs name and do what he wanted with the money, he could claim the cb and ctc possibly leaving the op in a desperate situation.There is far more involved in putting the father's name on a birth certificate than just acknowledging parentage.

Clargo55 · 24/01/2014 19:10

Sorry Sock good point. Missed that up thread.

softlysoftly · 24/01/2014 19:34

I haven't seen any explanation of where OP says he is abusive? She says they are abusive texts and then says in a previous post that he twists things to make her look like the bad one and hasn't put his threats in writing,

Perhaps because he hasn't made them?

Maybe he is an abusive arse. Maybe he is a flight risk. But take it to the police and to the courts, posters shouldn't be advising to falsify birth certificates with the wrong name and block access and just cut contact so he has no chance with what is ultimately whether the op likes it or not his child.

In a previous thread she wanted him to have no contact but pay for the kid, he said he'd put money into an account in his child's name and wanted access. Sounds like someone that wants to step up to me. Why else wouldn't he have just walked away given the opportunity?

MinesAPintOfTea · 24/01/2014 19:47

The main advice on this thread has been to not put the father on the birth certificate but offer (supervised) contact in a reasonable way. He doesn't need to go on the BC to act like a father, but not being on there makes it more difficult to take the child out of the country without permission.

Iirc amending a BC to add the father is fairly easy if after a while the op feels he's grown up with fatherhood, our he can show the commitment to get it through the courts. But she doesn't want to be in the position of having to race to get a passport immediately street birth

CoolaSchmoola · 24/01/2014 20:14

Report him to the Police for harassment op, let them deal with it, and there will be a record of it for court should you need it.

Good luck for your labour.

IneedAsockamnesty · 24/01/2014 21:22

That's all we ever have on any thread about anything. What exactly was it that makes her story questionable to you? That she had a short term fling with someone then went back to her ex?

People do that,it happens just because you have had sex with more than 1 person it does not mean you can't be abused.

Him not being named does not cut him out

Alisvolatpropiis · 24/01/2014 21:24

The op has nothing to gain by telling us he has threatened to kidnap the baby and take him/her to his home country. Nothing.

The fact she has suggests it's true and for that reason alone I think that putting him on the birth certificate would be insane.

I do think men are wronged often in this kind of situation.

I just don't think this particular man is being wronged in this specific situation.

missymarmite · 24/01/2014 22:03

Plus, offering him supervised visits is totally reasonable, hardly 'cutting him out'!

Chunderella · 25/01/2014 09:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dahlen · 25/01/2014 09:27

There is no excuse for harassing a woman who is in slow labour and threatening to portray her as an unfit mother in court because you are angry at her, none at all.

This. We are not talking about some man who is desperately trying to have contact with a much-wanted baby here. He is an abuser who is threatening a woman in labour.

OP, get all this reported to the police. You will need evidence of police involvement if you want to get legal aid. After sending one final text saying you will report him to the police if he does not stop, completely ignore. If you have to deal with him, use professional agencies like the police/solicitor and involve SS if he is harassing you as it will help if you have to go to court and require CAFCASS involvement.

All of this will also help you be believed when you say he has threatened to abduct your child. This is taken very seriously by the courts. Your X may well get awarded contact if he pushes it (in fact he probably will get it), but they may place restrictions on it and his parental responsibility.

Good luck and congratulations on your baby.

Notawordfromtheladybird · 25/01/2014 09:44

I cannot believe some posters' attitude to putting a person on the birth certificate. It's not a keepsake you frame for your child. It is a legal document that allows the man to legal rights. He can object to child having medical tests. He can object to child being taken on a holiday. He can stop the child from attending a particular school. He can stop the mother from accepting a job a certain distance away from him, even if he only sees his child sporadically.

For what, 16 years is it?

Why should someone who is behaving THIS badly already at the pregnancy stage, be allowed this kid of power over two lives? He's not shown any commitment to co-parenting. The OP has no reason to trust his behaviour will somehow improve in next 10 years. If it does however, he can prove that in court and earn those rights.

Pigsmummy · 25/01/2014 09:47

I popped back to see if baby had arrived? Any news?

flippinada · 25/01/2014 09:51

For those who lack reading and comprehension skills, here's a quote from the original post " I have not refused contact once the baby is born.""

Also WRT "I think talk of not putting the man on the birth cert/marrying the dp etc is pretty vile"

It isn't vile, it's UK law. If you aren't married, you can't put the father's name on the birth certificate unless he is there (this applies in England, Scotland and Wales).

www.babycentre.co.uk/x541584/registering-your-babys-birth

flippinada · 25/01/2014 09:51

Link fail. Here: www.babycentre.co.uk/x541584/registering-your-babys-birth

stickysausages · 25/01/2014 09:52

Hope Labour is going well OP, or that baby is here

Chunderella · 25/01/2014 09:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ComposHat · 25/01/2014 10:29

Whilst I can understand NOT wanting to put the father's name on the birth certificate , putting the new (old) partner's name down is illegal, will potentially lead to protracted court action and harmful to the child. I would utge the op

Imagine a situation 15 years hence when the op has a stroppy teenager and in the midst of a row her partner blurts out 'well he/she isn't my bloody kid anyway'

I wouldn't fancy picking up the pieces of yhat.

formerbabe · 25/01/2014 17:18

I would imagine those of you saying put him on the birth certificate have probably had children with responsible, kind, reasonable men.

If I was the OP, then there would be no way I would put him on the BC...esp as there are concerns he would try and take the child from here or out of the country.

wobblyweebles · 26/01/2014 02:13

I knew a man who had a child with a former gf, a one-off night. He was having a very difficult time with access in the first 6 months, where she'd cancel any agreed visits at the last minute. He went to a solicitor, and was advised that as long as the mother continues to TRY to arrange contact, even if she keeps canceling, as long she then offers an alternative new time... she will not be seen as unreasonable by any judge or mediator, and there's pretty much nothing he can do until the baby is much older.

This is not true. A member of my family was in the same position and he eventually won custody because his ex kept cancelling his access.

GhettoPrincess001 · 26/01/2014 02:41

wannaBe - I agree wholeheartedly. It's always the men who are described on this site as being vile isn't it ?

The father being furious at being the convenient sperm donor then being rejected as you trot off back to your regular man without a backward glance ? Really, I wonder why ? I suppose it's to late to discuss contraception just now.

What happens with the next random when another baby is required ? How does the regular partner feel about her coming back to him pregnant with someone else's baby ? That's ok is it ?

Eighteen years of paying for her baby hunger because he is infertile ? Now who's being vile to whom ?

One man to father the child, another to raise it. Nice.

GhettoPrincess001 · 26/01/2014 02:42

Caveat: when it's done deliberately by the mother.

I accept there are many many circumstances where this has happened.

innisglas · 26/01/2014 03:55

I hope mother and baby are fine, and that she doesn't put him on the birth cert. I too hate to see injustice done to a man, but being a father implies more than forgetting to use a condom. At this stage and for a long time to come, the baby's welfare is intrinsically tied up with his mother's welfare, his attitude so far does not show any understanding of that.

And yes, anyone can come on here and tell us a pack of lies, but what do they gain by that? Nothing. Assuming that the OP is telling lies is a hide onto nothing

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