Ex threatening court, unborn baby

[marleyandme2014]

Posting here for more traffic as need so advice urgently.

Currently 40+6 and been having a slow early labour for 3 days now.

Last week or so (basically from my due date) my ex has been absolutely vile towards me - sending angry abusive text messages, telling me what a bad parent I'll be, how I'm mentally unstable (I'm not), how he will be taking me to court and he is going to show them what kind of person I really am.

I asked him why? I have not refused contact once the baby is born. I have said I won't be putting him on the birth cert initially and this is one of the reasons he will take me to court - to gain his 'rights'.

I am with my long term partner (ex was a fling during a break in my relationship - not proud of it but there you go). Ex is so angry, he is badmouthing me to anyone who will listen and has now started talking about turning my mum against me (which would never happen as we are very close).

I don't know what my first steps should be. I obviously am trying not to get too stressed because I don't want to cause problems with the birth, but I am so upset. This person is foreign and I'm scared he will get parental rights, then a passport and take her away from me.

Still no baby :-( all went well with the midwife though so hopefully not too much longer to wait.

Just a quick question - would it be beneficial for me to apply for a residence order for my baby? Am I likely to get it or am I risking a shared residence order being granted?

Thank you as ever, the support I'm receiving here is helping me get through this difficult time x

I was hoping minimarley would be here now!

I think if you leave him of the certificate you wont need an order. also I agree with previous posters about getting a passport asap and logging your concerns with 101

its easy to reregister a birth to add him to the certificate if he proves himself in the future

To do the passport thing - a child can only hold one uk passport. As soon as you have registered your baby, get a passport yourself. That sorts out the issue of him getting one...and you can get a flag put on the passport office system due to him being a flight risk to allow them to see if he has attempted to apply for a passport after that point.

(Been there, it's easy to sort, just budget the money for passport photos and a passport as soon as baby is here.)

And if you don't tell him when you are registering the birth, he won't know to be there at the same time, will he...

Just don't tell him when you are registering.

Him not being named on the Birth Certificate won't stop him from getting PR if he goes to Court though.

Actually, an unmarried Father can only be put on the Birth Certificate if he is present at the time of registration OR if he gets a Court Order to amend the Birth Certificate. (Note - the Court Orders are expensive to obtain...)

DON'T block him from your phone - every text is evidence if he takes you to court. He's PROVING himself to be abusive without you needing to do anything. Just stick the phone in a drawer, and buy a new one for yourself.

Leave the phone as your 'evidence phone'.

The idea of a log is a very good one too. Just look on it as more evidence of his twuntishness for the Courts.

Don't name him on the Birth Certificate, and DO get a passport ASAP for your baby. They last 10 years, so it'll be there if you and your partner want to have a nice family holiday to get away from your nob-end ex...

You NEED to log every threat of his - ones where he says he will make you out to be an unfit mother - if he's making these accusations before the birth, when he can't possibly know that, it will go some way to showing that any accusations he makes are borne of maliciousness, not any genuine concerns.

Actually I think a child passport lasts for 5 years, not 10 - but even so, get one, OP so he can't .

Your first step is to go to the police, this is harassment which is a crime. Even if they do nothing, as in don't charge him with anything, you will have a record of his vile behaviour to show the court.

Marley, I hope your labour is progressing well. If I remember from your other thread you have a supportive DP - please ask him to arrange a solicitor's appointment right now. It looks to me like your head is spinning (understandably so!) and although you have been given some really good advice I think seeing a professional will actually put your mind at rest. I think you are afraid of all the possibilities and it's easy, especially at a time of great stress, to imagine worst outcomes. So please, see a solicitor ASAP who can give you face to face advice and guidance on the best course of action. Good luck (and save all those shitty texts, as many people have said they are excellent evidence of his complete twattishness)

You can get exactly the same advice from a qualified solicitor by ringing either

www.gov.uk/civil-legal-advice (if you qualify for legal aid)

www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/ (not dependant on legal aid)

They will more than likely say,if he is not on the certificate then you do nothing court wise unless you need a protection order.

If you bring him to court your bringing it to the front of his head and priority chances are he will not bother to do anything legally as its quite a faff but if he's already there is becomes easy to just bung in an application

Bollocks

www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/

www.gov.uk/civil-legal-advice

DO NOT put on birth cert. Put your DP (so long as he's ok with that of course!)

Keep your phone - but keep in a drawer, as another poster suggested. You will need the evidence. If he carries on, he's pretty much sealing his own fate.

Get that passport asap and keep in a safety deposit box.

Report the harassment so far to the police - so it's on record.

Hopefully this nasty man will give up before long and realise it's all a little bit pointless. It's all very well some posters saying he's the dad and he has rights. But nice, kind, well-meaning fathers to be do not send abusive/threatening texts etc. I cannot possibly see how this man could ever be a positive influence in your baby's life.

I knew a man who had a child with a former gf, a one-off night. He was having a very difficult time with access in the first 6 months, where she'd cancel any agreed visits at the last minute. He went to a solicitor, and was advised that as long as the mother continues to TRY to arrange contact, even if she keeps canceling, as long she then offers an alternative new time... she will not be seen as unreasonable by any judge or mediator, and there's pretty much nothing he can do until the baby is much older.

So if it makes you feel better, you can offer and arrange contact, but if you're tired, the baby hasn't slept, etc. you can cancel and rearrange.

You will not have to put his needs (to see the baby) before the baby's or yours.

"To be fair to him, if someone told me I couldn't be named on my child's birth certificate I might not behave particularly well either.

You have no right to stop your child having his/her biological father named on the birth certificate, and you have no right to stop this man being a father to his child."

I agree. He's been painted by the OP as the bad guy yet she refuses to name his as the father on the birth certificate as it suits her and its little wonder he is angry. Not to mentiom the fact that her partner couldnt have children and she got pregnant whilst on a break. All very convenient and all the more so if she could get rid of the ex.

The courts will grant him access, its only right. The OP chose to have a child with this man, old enough to do that so old enough to accept the consequences.

Would you send your own child off with an abuser and give one legal powers?

It's horrible he is sending abusive texts, but you say they are clever in making you sound like the bad guy? Can you copy an example to show what you mean by abuse?

If he is abusive then report him to the police and run contact through a 3rd party.

The thing with both your threads is it makes me feel really sorry for men to be honest. All this advice of cut him out, name your DP on BC (even though she knows damn well Dp isn't the father), hope he gives up soon, don't tell him you are registering the birth etc is just awful.

From his point of view op can't have children with her DP due to fertility issues, got pg by him in a very short break and then hightailed it back to DP, proclaimed the quick shag was a horrible man and said they weren't going to put him on the birth cert.

I'd be feeling pretty used, pissed off and powerless too tbh and quite rightly panicky that someone could take my child away because they were the ones whose body carried it.

Happymummy. Really? What sockreturningpixie said.

Do not put name on certificate.

BTW, DV and threat of abduction out of country even where properly found, will not be enough to stop contact, hell, it won't be enough to keep contact supervised much beyond 18 months. So don't flog yourself to death trying to protect your child from a genuine threat through the courts. The courts will only protect them for a finite period before conducting a complete volte face and obliging you to send your baby like the proverbial sacrificial lamb to its father. Because you know, you aren't together so no harm done they say, as if the fact he has abused their mother is somehow a good thing, and they have a protocol to ensure there is a relationship with the other parent regardless of their behaviour in the past and to move that relationship forward. They tell you this is for the good of your children. I am yet to be convinced.

After 18 months they will be keen to make contact unsupervised and you will wonder what the hell you wasted a year of angst for. In my case, to get them to an age where I hope they will be old enough to remember me.

Good luck with birth, congrats on new baby, get passport asap, don't put on birth certificate, look at reunite website, fill out form, and ffs report him to police for harassment.

Just the threat of him taking baby out of the country is enough reason to not put him on birth certificate. No parent should have that kind of fear held over them. He gave up all right to be treated "fairly" by this behaviour. Sorry happymummy, but I disagree with what you have said.

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I have a male friend who is going through this but from the other side. Not that I wish to upset the OP as circumstances are different but I think it's important to understand just why the ex would be upset and angry. My friend fell in love and had a short relationship with a woman who then dumped him and got together with someone else. He is a wonderful guy and is being distanced from the situation and is really worried he won't be put on the birth certificate. In his instance, I feel he is being treated terribly. I feel for the men sometimes.

If he's that worried and has been treated unfairly and is not an abusive arse then he can go to court as soon as the baby is born.

There are generally two sides to every story. From this man's perspective he had a fling with a woman and got her pregnant. And it appears he does actually want some involvement with his child which should be recognised, since many men don't in the event of a fling, but the op is painting him as some sort of abuser for wanting a relationship with his child.

Tbh it looks to me more as if the op couldn't have children with her dp, went off and had a shag with some random bloke and then fell conveniently pregnant and is now playing the victim.

I think talk of not putting the man on the birth cert/marrying the dp etc is pretty vile tbh, and it is also worth bearing in mind that this is not about the op or the father (or the dp for that matter) but about an innocent child who is being denied a relationship with their father because it doesn't suit the op.

And it seems pretty convenient that he is apparently from another country so this will earn op more sympathy in the "he could abduct my child," steaks.

ticks a lot of boxes....

WannaBe have you read OP other posts? This main is abusive and vile and is a potential flight risk. Like hell would I give someone rights when they could potentially abduct the child.

Sorry it should always be what's in the child's best interests. From what the OP has said now and previously this man having unsupervised access and parental responsibility would not be in the best interest of the child. I am taking the OP at face value of course it's only one sided. But I am replying with my view in this circumstances.

Block his number for now Marley. Concentrate on you and the baby

Again, if she blocks his number she loses a huge potential source of evidence because he's not going to stop with the threats.