to be upset I'm not invited?

[barkinginessex]

DP's friend moved to Thailand in September, just before Christmas DP announced he didn't want to take too much time off over Christmas as he wanted to save his annual leave as was planning to visit his friend in Thailand, it was the first I had heard of it and was a little upset he hadn't thought to invite me. His friend was back in England for Christmas and we were talking about DP's trip, his friend had assumed I was coming too, I told him it was just DP going and they proceeced to start looking at flights etc. Last weekend my parents were visiting and DP mentioned his trip to Thailand, my parents asked why I wasn't going, I was too embarrased to say I was not invited so I said I couldn't have the time off work but then DP laughed and said "thinking about it I haven't actually invited you have I?" and then laughed again. AIBU to feel a little hurt? We have lived together for 4 years, have a mortgage and his DS stays with us alternative weekends. I don't want to say anything and make him feel guilty but it will cost him £1000 approx for flights and spending money (he wants to go for 3 weeks), money that could be spent on a holiday for us and DS in the summer holidays. I feel like booking myself a holiday somewhere hot and not telling him until the day before I fly, childish I know!

[Poppy67]

What a dick. Is his friend single, or as big a dick? I guess they plan to go to Thailand for a little "fun"....

[rollonthesummer]

Why have you let it get this far without properly talking to him?

You could have bought it up...

When he first started talking about it

When his friend assumed you were going

When your parents asked why you weren't going

At any other time

Why don't some people communicate. This is as much your fault as his!

[Crinkle77]

Go and book yourself a holiday too. Why should you sit at home and be miserable?

[HazleNutt]

In our family, unless specified otherwise, "I'd like to go to Thailand this year" would include all of us. No special invitations necessary. Do you usually holiday separately?

So your DP mentions that he wants to visit his friend. You say nothing. When he and the friend start looking for tickets, you say that you are not going. As your DP, I would think that you don't want to go.

But as others have said, just talk!

[ENormaSnob]

Wonder why he wants to go alone

It would be the end of marriage if dh did that.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

Your partner thinks he will have more fun in Thailand without you than with you. Time for a serious chat, methinks.

[TheGonnagle]

That's just a bit odd to me. If my dh or I had a friend living in Thailand (now or pre marriage and kids) then it would go without saying that we would go over together. If there was three weeks in the off then surely you could take yourself to a retreat/spa/plush hotel whilst they did whatever it is they want to do alone (trying not to be suspicious) and then you and dp could hit an island/national park/Bangkok trip together after?
Are you to look after his ds in his absence too? He's being very selfish here.

[diddl]

Isn't the oddest thing that he said "ooh, I haven't actually invited you"?

If he said that, sounds as though he doesn't intend to.

But in any case, shouldn't the invitation come from his friend-if he's providing somewhere to stay, at least?

I wouldn't care if my husband went to visit a friend without me tbh.

But I'd expect to be told the truth-eg friend can't put you up, you don't know him very well so I'd rather go alone...whatever.

[ApocalypseThen]

What provision has he made for the care if his son during those three weeks?

[CuChullain]

"It will cost him £1000 approx for flights and spending money (he wants to go for 3 weeks),"

Erm, having been there several times it will probably cost a lot more than that, long gone are the days where Thailand was a cheapo backpacker destination where beers cost 10p. Flights alone will probably cost about £600 at least. Assuming he is staying with his mate for free he still needs to throw in the costs of beer, food, getting around, seeing the sights and the ‘fees’ for watching some disinterested girl blow ping pong balls out her twat, I think his budget could be very optimistic.

[Orlea]

Three weeks is a long holiday to take, not even having considered one's OH. I'm a bit leery of using the word 'invited' between partners - I tend to assume that any outside invitations are for us as a couple, unless it's drinks with his mates or similar, and even a mates hol would be up for discussion rather than taken as a given... I would never expect DH to have to 'invite' me to something - it would be the exception that he does something big enough to be a big deal, like this hol.

Incidentally DH has a hol with his friends every year (5-7 days) and asks me every single time if he can go (just as a courtesy, as he knows I'd only ever say no if it clashed with something important and I can't think of anything like that that he wouldn't know about), and if I'd like to join them (no thanks but thanks for asking).

Anyway PPs have already given good advice, but if you do want to go but not totally hijack their lads' hol, why not suggest you join them for half the time and also take a hol of your own either following that, or at another time?

[greenfolder]

huh?

he is your partner- do you not usually take holidays together.

tbf you should just have had the discussion when he first mentioned it. as he didnt now is the time to sit down and talk through what hols you are both taking this year.

[Mumoftwoyoungkids]

Nevermind about you - what about his ds? Presumably he is now going to be limited as to how much time he can spend with him over the summer now?

I would not want to be with someone who used up somewhere between half and three quarters (most people get 4 - 6 weeks hols a year) away from a child they only see 2 days in 14.

[PurpleRayne]

Are you unable to simply ask him why you have not been invited? The answer will give you more information to evaluate, at the moment you are fishing in the dark.

And start looking at equivalent cost/length holidays for yourself and observe his reaction. Then book it anyway. Sounds like you need some reflecting time.

[Famzilla]

It's weird that you haven't discussed it at all. I think there must be bigger issues than a holiday if you feel like you can't talk to him.

[chrome100]

I think it's fine if he wants to go and see his friend alone, it would be a different dynamic if you were there and it's nice for couples to have separate holidays from time to time. However, I do think it's weird you've just not discussed it!

My DP is going to Croatia with his friend in April. I'm not "invited" - that's absolutely fine, but he did tell me of his intentions and it wasn't a big secret.

[WooWooOwl]

Perhaps you and he have different expectations of this relationship.

I don't agree with others that you should automatically expect to be joining him just because you live together. It is ok for couples to have separate interests and friends, they don't have to do everything together.

The problem isn't that he wants to go on holiday without you, it's that you have a different expectation of these things to him. That's what you need to discuss.

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

Presumably you got the impression that you were NOT INVITED and that is why you didn't think it was OK for you to try and go to.

I think the fact that his friend and his parents all expected you to be going when you in fact hadn't even been invited to go says a lot.

The people who know him and his situation were surprised that you weren't going, so it seems to me that it is remarkable that he has decided to spend all this time and money without you.

I'd be rethinking the relationship, TBH. The fact that he made a unilateral decision to take a big holiday like this and didn't even discuss it with you makes it sound like he has one eye on door.

[LaGuardia]

LTB

[BillyNotQuiteNoMates]

You should have discussed it when it was first raised, but I have to admit that I tend to bury my own head in the sand at times and say nothing, while getting pissed off at the same time. Now, you need to either carry on burying your head and say nothing; say something now - and tell him that as his friend was obviously expecting you and seemed happy with the prospect, that you would like to go as well; or when he comes back, tell him that you want him to visit the STI clinic because you can't think of any other reason for such a definite non-invite.

[PrivateBenjamin]

Have you asked him why he didn't invite you OP? You live together and have a mortgage, how is he paying for this holiday? Will he still be able to pay his share of the bills while he's on holiday? I agree with a previous poster - he'll be lucky to get away with spending £2000.

I would also be very suspicious of him going to Thailand.

[gordyslovesheep]

It's weird that you haven't discussed it at all

[Quoteunquote]

How odd, what a strange way to live, is there a reason why he doesn't want you to go with him, ask.

[Mintyy]

I'm firmly in the "it's not good to do everything together and always assume your partner wants to do everything together" camp, I'm afraid.

[Eatriskier]

My DF does this to my DM loads. He's mega into cricket and decides he's going off on tour. Random family members including me have tried to point out to DF that whilst DM may not want to go to the cricket, she may like to see these countries and hang out on a beach or go on tourist routes etc. He finally gets this, but now flies to places too far for DM's comfort... However we've also made DM realise she can play this to her advantage so she now allows him to go alone as long as he gets x/y/z done to the house that she's been nagging about for ages. There's already an agreement that the next trip he takes means a new kitchen.

DF just isn't thinking, its not a disrespect of DM per se - just pure idiocy. Having said that if DH tried that to me I may be getting a new patio