To be really hurt and angry about this?

Original poster

Popscene88 · 21/01/2014 04:43

Whoops posted too soon! I don't think I am BU but it's the middle of the night so who knows.

DD is 6 weeks old. She doesn't really go to sleep for the night until about 10pm ( in her Moses basket downstairs with us) but when she does she only wakes up once at night, around 330am. She is going through a fussy stage at night, but I think being woken up once for an hour isn't that bad.

However OH grumbles when she lies gurgling/grunting in her basket in the early part of the evening, and the past two nights has got up when she is crying at the 3am feed, expressed his annoyance with her and gone to sleep on the sofa bed downstairs. Tonight he took her from me to try and wind her as "the amount she's crying she doesn't want food" and when I asked him are you sure because she only fed for 9 minutes he said "oh shut up being so patronising acting like you know it all you clearly can't tell what she wants!!" I was really upset by this so thought well fuck you and went downstairs. 10 minutes later he comes down, "you need to feed your daughter." I went back up and he started to go down. Pissed off I said you do realise she will be waking in the night for a long time at which he blew his top telling me I am a condescending bitch who treats him like he knows nothing about his own baby. At this point I lost it and screamed at him.

WIBU to spend the night with DD at my mums tomorrow night ostensibly so he can "get some sleep" but really to teach him a lesson?

OP posts:

Lyllie · 21/01/2014 04:51

You going to your mums house and leaving him with the baby might teach him a lesson. Otherwise the only lesson might be that if you go to your mums he gets a good nights sleep.

It does sound like he's being a bit of a prat though. But, in his defence, if this is your first bub he's probably dealing with a bit of culture shock and feeling a bit helpless and incompetent.

xo

HelpTheSnailsAreComingToGetMe · 21/01/2014 04:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sebsmummy1 · 21/01/2014 04:54

I'm sorry but if my partner ever spoke to me like that it would be the last time.

Catsize · 21/01/2014 05:00

Wouldn't spend the night at your mum's, but you are right to be upset. The first weeks adjusting are really really hard, and it sounds like your OH doesn't realise how lucky he is to have such a sleepy baby at night. Mine was awake more than asleep at night, and crying too. This is not uncommon. It was really hard and lots of snappy remarks were made.
Your partner is seemingly feeling a little powerless to control the situation.
Are you breastfeeding? If so, it is a miracle the baby is sleeping so much. It is the 'you need to feed your daughter' comment that made me wonder. I had similar comments and they really got me down. Eventually realised that my cries of 'but he can't be hungry still' were pointless, as he clearly was, so I ended up feeding at night A LOT. If formula feeding, he should have fed her.
I think some partners feel a bit neglected at this time, but it is tough really. They need to prioritise the baby too, and that includes coping with its little noises etc. The baby is much safer with you for the first six months.
Good luck OP. The first few weeks are really tough.

Catsize · 21/01/2014 05:04

sebs, really? You would separate from your child's parent for that?! Wow! Not nice comments for him to have made, but your response would surely be a tad 'toys out of pram' disproportionate?!

MissPryde · 21/01/2014 05:10

You both sound really stressed, which is completely understandable. This is all very new, and the sleeplessness can cause quite high tempers.

Have you tried talking during the day about the nighttime feed, not just snapping at each other in the middle of the night when you're both frazzled? I think it's worth talking at a calmer time before going off to teach him a lesson.

Frankly, it might be better for everyone if your partner isn't in the room with you and baby right now. It also sounds like maybe your partner feels a bit 'left out', not taking a fair share of parenting roles, maybe even jealous of your bond with baby. It could be worth it to discuss ways he could take over more during the day while you assume responsibility for the nighttime feed.

Just some ideas I hope can help... I think leaving to your mum's is a bit PA, and I wouldn't recommend it. This is a difficult time, stress levels are high. Remember loads of lovely people here on MN for hand-holding, support and advice when you need it.

HelpTheSnailsAreComingToGetMe · 21/01/2014 05:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Catsize · 21/01/2014 05:39

snails, am 36wks pregnant and mother nature is kindly training me for the sleepless nights. Like I can't remember! And don't have a toddler who still wakes from time to time...
OP, sending you
Wish I had discovered MN when we were all frazzled.

NormHonal · 21/01/2014 06:04

Although he never spoke to me like that, my DH didn't cope very well with the night wakings (still doesn't - DC2 is 2yo and still waking). With DC2 as a baby I planned for it and moved into DC2's room for the first six months, so that DH could sleep/look after DC1 if needed at nights.

Iwas bf'ing so I figured there was no sense keeping DH awake unless I was absolutely on my knees. Once DC2 was taking a bottle, he took the odd night here and there.

DH did say with DC1 because he couldn't feed her he felt useless. Some men do feel like that in the early days. Once the babies start to play and be a bit more interactive, weaning etc, it gets easier for them.

I wouldn't go to your mum's house, but I would have a talk when the baby is asleep with your DH about how his behaviour isn't helpful and perhaps plan your sleeping arrangements at home so that your DH is on the sofa/spare bed as a regular thing, so he gets some sleep and can support you better during the day? You getting naps at the weekends needs to be part of the deal, I think.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 21/01/2014 06:37

I really don't think giving him a full night's sleep will punish him as much as you think.

Sounds like new baby shock + sleep deprivation. It is hell on earth.

If he is normally a decent person and not a Grade A cock, the 2 of you need to sit down together and talk about it. Discuss how it's going to work. Acknowledge the exhaustion you're both feeling. Agree how each of you is going to get enough rest. And the importance of being a team, being kind to each other and not taking it out on one another!

If he is normally a spiteful arsewipe, then that's a bit different, of course.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 21/01/2014 06:49

Its stressful in night when baby is screaming and you are both there trying to settle the baby

If he is normally OK I would chalk it up to tiredness and stress and move on.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 21/01/2014 06:51

I get really grumpy in night for some reason. .well..tiredness reason..DD is 7 and still a bad sleeper.

Somehow being woken at night feels really stressful to me. Also to DH if he is tired..wr have had some arguments during night. Dont start moving out.

Mouthfulofquiz · 21/01/2014 06:59

I think he needs to get a grip and quickly! I can't believe he spoke to you like that!

diddl · 21/01/2014 07:02

Well the way he spoke was horrible but he might have a point about the "acting like a know it all" where baby is concerned,

Him getting annoyed at her gurgling before you are in bed is odd.

But in general she sleeps from 10-3, feeds & sleeps again?

If that's the case, I can't see why either of you are stressed/tired!

If this is a general indicator of his behaviour towards you though, I'd be thinking of getting rid tbh.

TicTacZebra · 21/01/2014 07:06

He should count himself lucky that you've got a baby that only wakes up once a night! At 6 weeks, that's very impressive.

allthingsfluffy · 21/01/2014 07:18

I spent the first year of my DDs life telling my partner "it could be worse" because he would get annoyed at having his sleep disrupted, or when she cried.

However, he was never as vile as your partner is being. I think a calm talk tomorrow is needed. If he isn't usually such a prick then you need to talk to him about what's annoying him, tell him its not fair or helpful to take it out on you, and try to resolve it.

Original poster

Popscene88 · 21/01/2014 07:44

Thanks for all the replies. I am breastfeeding so I did worry that he was feeling left out, so I try to make sure he is involved and ask him to do things often, like bath her etc. I wonder if I need to change my tone when I ask him things so I don't sound bossy. I started expressing yesterday in the hope he could give her one bottle a day.

Glad to know others went through it a little bit. Also after he went downstairs lasy night DD slept with me and slept a lot better (less grunting after being fed) so perhaps OH staying in another room is better. I just thought that would push us apart?

OP posts:

sebsmummy1 · 21/01/2014 08:04

Catsize I didn't say I would LTB, I said he would speak to me like that just the once as I would rip him a new arsehole. There is absolutely no way I would accept being talked to like that and then carry on having a normal relationship the following day. Totally unacceptable regardless of the time or the lack of sleep and a huge red flag for me I'm afraid.

TheOrchardKeeper · 21/01/2014 08:51

Actually agree with sebs.

I've been there and been a dragon but id never have spoken to someone like that. Not an excuse IMO.

VampyreofTimeandMemory · 21/01/2014 09:02

no you would not be unreasonable to do that.

StormEEweather · 21/01/2014 09:03

Yes the way he spoke was nasty but if he was apologetic the next day I would cut him some slack. It's a massive adjustment even with a good sleeper, and men can feel s bit useless in the early days, or guilty for not feeling an immediate bond.

By the way I find the phrase "rip a new one" offensive - violent and graphic.

Maybe your DH could sleep in a different room, at least on weekdays. Mine did with both DCs, it was better for both of us that he was rested. You can make sure you get intimacy at other times - once daytime sleeps are in a pattern you can even schedule it. Be gentle with yourself, this is a tough phase, you need to support each other. Try talking it through calmly in daylight.

StormEEweather · 21/01/2014 09:03

Yes the way he spoke was nasty but if he was apologetic the next day I would cut him some slack. It's a massive adjustment even with a good sleeper, and men can feel s bit useless in the early days, or guilty for not feeling an immediate bond.

By the way I find the phrase "rip a new one" offensive - violent and graphic.

Maybe your DH could sleep in a different room, at least on weekdays. Mine did with both DCs, it was better for both of us that he was rested. You can make sure you get intimacy at other times - once daytime sleeps are in a pattern you can even schedule it. Be gentle with yourself, this is a tough phase, you need to support each other. Try talking it through calmly in daylight.

17leftfeet · 21/01/2014 09:11

We ended up sleeping separately with both dcs -the second time we planned for it

It is tough and some people need more sleep than others so for some people waking once a night can be incredibly stressful

LadyFlumpalot · 21/01/2014 09:11

DH had a similar moment when DS was a newborn. Everything seems bad at 3am. Much better to wait til baby has a nap in the day, sit down with a cuppa and have A Chat.

It might be that DH sleeps elsewhere (or gets earplugs) but gets up with baby at weekends to let you catch up on sleep.