To be really hurt and angry about this?

[Popscene88]

Hi.

I agree with Sebs, I also wouldn't stand being spoken to like that! If the O/H ever called me anything derogatory, he'd be out on his arse

He came up this morning and cuddled us both and said he was sorry but i just said "thank you for apologising but we need to talk about how we're going to do this in future" which I think scared him as he rang me when he got to work and apologised again. I suggested (nicely) that he sleep downstairs so he could sleep a whole night but he really didn't want to do that. He suggested he get some earplugs instead, so we are going to try that and he is going to give DD a bottle a day so that will hopefully help any feelings of uselessness he has.

I think it is just sinking in for him, she had a growth spurt last week and it was hellish. His mum is supposed to be comjng over tomorrow to look after DD while we sleep/have a meal but I don't really want her to as all DD is doing in the evenings is cluster feeding so there's not that much she will be able to do and it will be extra stress for me worrying about what she thinks of the state of the house etc!

3 a.m. or whenever it was is not the best time to debate this, it was a nasty exchange but understandable when both parties are pushed to the limit. i would say that if he thinks it's difficult after the first six weeks he'd better buckle up because just as you think you can't possibly cope with less sleep there's often another growth spurt and you end up with at least one more wake up per night. It's all new to you too, you are both doing your best.

DH & I were complete baby novices. Back in the mists of time it was thought acceptable to put baby down in another room so the snuffling and squeaks didn't disturb us we kept the doors open and I was lying awake for ages listening out so not very relaxing.

I'd welcome MIL into your home tonight, I don't think she'll blink at what state it's in, do sit down and let DD feed, while she potters about.

DD is your joint responsibility and OH is quite capable of doing the things with her that you do, except bf.

Well done OP, sounds like you handled it well, without needing to create any new orifices. This is a tough time but it will pass, you both have to do what keeps you sane for now. Don't worry about the tidiness, and let MIL help. Evenings not so helpful while the cluster feeding is happening, but maybe she could take baby for a morning at the weekend? You can express and have some relaxing time with DH.

Glad he's apologized. He should be made aware how lucky he is to have a baby that sleeps so well so young!

^ Maybe he can take over on a weekend morning if you express?

So he can feel more involved in the feeding & bond a bit more (and give you a break)!

Earplugs are a good idea, I used them on the advice of the midwife who said they were good for filtering out the snuffling/gurgling/pig noises little babies make, but you will still hear them cry, which you do.

I used a Moses basket first time around, but second time around, me and my husband decided to sleep separately as we both found the sleep deprivation like a torture, so I had the big kingsize bed with the baby in moses basket next to me, so there was no crying for food- she was bf the second she woke. He then slept on a camp bed for a few months, as he preferred it to be in with us.

I think first time around you might lack the confidence to prioritise sleep and imagine that if you sleep separately it will push you apart. Quite the contrary getting everyone the sleep they need makes you get on better, not worse, as when everyone is exhausted, mad and bad things get said.

Would he sleep on the sofa/camp bed a couple of nights a week? Could he then take her from you on Sat/Sun morning so you have a lie in?

You have to think differently and not see these things as 'signs' but as a sensible response to a difficult situation.

Why don't you get earplugs so you can sleep peacefully through your newborn baby waking up in the night?

Oh, wait...

Stupid, childish prick.

Your MIL might be better looking after her for a couple of hours during the day at the weekend.
From recollection evenings for the irate 3 months or so were all about cluster feeding for my DS and neither of us would have benefited with someone trying to step in then.

What normhon said.big changes for you both so you need to talk at a calm time
My dh was like this but did adjust to being very supportive

Really glad he apologised OP.

I actually slept in a separate room to DP when DS was born because i didn't want his sleep disturbed. Im pregnant again now and im back in the other room again as i wake up at 4am with vivid dreams and cant get back to sleep. The way i look at it is there is no point two of us being knackered.

If that's an option then its worth doing. I ended up co-sleeping as it was the only way i could get any sleep whilst breast feeding but i know that some people are totally against it and understand that.

I think also it helps to both focus a bit on how well you are both doing, praise each other when you manage to settle the baby etc. this may sound daft but you could probably both do with your confidence boosting a bit and consciously supporting each other might help.

I know your dh has been a bit of an arse but it can be really easy when you are breast feeding and spending much more time with the baby to feel you are becoming better at dealing with them- which you undoubtedly are. However, helping your dh to feel as capable as you will really pay off for everyone in the long term.

What on earth did he expect was going to happen at nights with a newborn?! They wake up - he needs to get used to it. And 9 mins does sound a v short nighttime feed for a 6-week-old. Mine would be chomping away for 30-40 mins in the middle of the night at times.

So in the middle of the night when people struggle to rationalise (maybe not ALL people, but me for sure :o) you had a barny and he has apologised? I would put it behind you as it desn't sound like this is his normal behaviour?

Ear plugs are a good idea and they wont stop you hearing the baby wake.

He's being silly and childish. Sleep deprivation is part of being a parent (that's a parent, not a mother only. Your child is his responsibility as well as yours).

And fuck what your MIL thinks of the state of the house. If anyone commented on the state of my place I'd show them the door.

Earplugs? WTAF?

Has he abdicated ALL involvement then? Selfish and ignorant idiot.

well done for talking about it . I think its easy for a dad to feel left out if you are breastfeeding and perhaps as you said you have been sounding a bit 'bossy' If he is feeling left out then moving him out to another room won't help that, I think earplugs and expressing will be great and also try and accept MILs offer as the more you can be a couple and not just parents you will all have time to say what you need. I think you are both doing brilliant by the way

It's a stressful time to say the least. Be kind to each other.

I'm judging by your later conversation that he is otherwise thoughtful and considerate?
I think this is a combination of feeling tired and stressed/not being able to help due to b/f, and perhaps unreasonable expectations as to what a baby this age should be doing.

I had a similar moment with my DH (and in fairness DH was probably about 18 months and was a much worse sleeper than your DC). Basically he'd just had enough and felt powerless.

Don't know how you resolve it though :)

Stress and sleep deprivation can turn saints into dragons IME
Try to forgive and forget it won't be the first time you get upset with each other over this type if thing.
Not condoning his behaviour btw.
If he is having to get up for work, (as me dh does) we just make the best of wherever any sleep can be achieved, I spend a lot of time sleeping apart from dh because we need his income and I can rest during the day
However we still have cross words!!!! Had some choice just this morning infact, it's stressful but try to keep talking and understand each other.
Best luck for good sleep soon.

Is he working full time? If earplugs dont work he could sleep downstairs half of the week so he is getting a proper full nights sleep before work. My dp struggled with the night waking and interrupted sleep when he had a full days work ahead of him so slept in a different room some of the week. I was at home with the 2 kids during the day and although I was doing a post grad at the time too the majority of it was at home so I could get some rest during the day, even if it was just feet up on the couch while feeding, but if he was woken up during the night with me feeding then he didn't get a chance to rest during the day and was shattered.

My DD is 9 and a half and I can still remember the sleepless nights clearly but think it is great your DD is sleeping so well so soon.

As other posters have said, sleep deprivation is a nightmare and you both need to be kind to each other. My DH gives new parents the "get any opportunity for a nap you can" chat as his only bit of parenting advice.

If he is working full time then try to reach some compromise whereby he can get some sleep but maybe pick up some slack at other times for you.

My DH uses earplugs as he is The World's Lightest Sleeper (TM) and of course he hasn't abdicated all parental responsibility. Some over the top comments on this thread!

If I need him during the night I give him a nudge. That's it.

Glad it seemed to be a storm in a teacup OP; I remember those early nights well. It's really, really stressful and during the nights tiny problems just seem huge.

Sleep deprivation is torture, never mind all the other changes a new baby brings - 6 weeks is very new and thing don't just fall into place. Adjusting to the responsibility is not a quick process, and we all say things we don't mean when we are under such stress. I had prem twins and there were occasions when DH and I could barely talk to each other, I remember counting how many hours sleep I'd had (the curse of the digital clock) and using that as a weapon when he said he was tired - I was horrible and it must have been hell.

It will ease up, and you'll look back with amazement at how you coped - be gentle on each other, and remember that sometimes things said in the heat of the moment are best put behind you.

I'm sorry you're in this situation. Your DH sounds really immature and not at all aware of the demands of a tiny baby. DH and I were up pretty much every hour last night with three month old DS and we're still being nice to each other this morning. I'm actually flabbergasted that a grown man would believe newborns sleep through the night. Didn't he do any preparation leading up to the birth?