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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

what do i do with my neighbour

56 replies

wontletmesignin · 19/01/2014 15:31

He is an oldish man. Lovely and everything, although some would say he isnt.

I havent lived here all that long, so i have only seen him be nice, friendly and caring.

His gf has not long been sectioned and so he is having a hard time atm.
He has recently just found out about me now being on my own.
He has given me cigarettes, more cigarettes and now money.

I really dont want them. I fought him saying i really dont want it and also told him i will post them back. I have told him its making me feel bad and uncomfortable, but he still insists.
Pushing the money into my pockets and placing the cigarettes in the house when i refused to take them!

What can i do about this? I feel really bad, even though i didnt want, nor need them in the first place.

My mam has warned me to be careful and finds it all a bit strange.
I dont know what to do.

I dont know if he is crying out for help.
I have far too much to deal with myself atm, and as much as id like to help. I honestly dont have the time or the energy.

OP posts:
ProfPlumSpeaking · 19/01/2014 15:40

Remain polite but distant. It sounds like an awkward situation but one that might resolve itself fairly quickly if you do not react one way or another. Try not to stand close enough for him to put money in your pockets; walk on by with a quick "hello, sorry I can't chat" and a cheery but non committal wave if he is trying to get your attention. I hope that works.

BTW It is likely that this man is lonely and needy, but it doesn't sound as if you are personally in a position to help right now so don't feel guilty about it.

FunkyBoldRibena · 19/01/2014 15:42

Pack them up and post them back through the letter box, and don't let him in the house again.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 19/01/2014 15:45

Don't let him in your home.
post back through the letterbox anything he gives you.

he is not respecting your boundaries or your feelings.

this is a problem, regardless how lonely you may think he is. These things can escalate.

do not be afraid to ask the local community police to go round and ask him to leave you alone.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 19/01/2014 15:47

If he carries on and escalates, that should read.

there was a poster on here who was in a similar situation and it became quite scary for her, if I remember right.

Alifelivedforwards · 19/01/2014 15:48

I know this is hard but keep saying firmly 'no thank you' and giving them back. Every time.

My cousin's neigbour gave her so much stuff it was unreal. Once she refused to take a hi-fi (this was the 90s) he was trying to give her over the fence and he dropped it in her garden!! He did finally get the message. He was completely harmless and they lived next door to each other for 10 years without any other problems.

Original poster
wontletmesignin · 19/01/2014 15:50

Thats what i was going to do.
I think he is lonely, but i really cant be the one to help him with that.

I will post them all back tomorrow. Only i have a feeling he will bring them back!

I didnt let him into the house. He came once with the cigs, and i told him no. Thank you but no, i cant take them. I dont need them. He kept insisting, as i did and then he put his arm through and put them onto my shoe rack.

He then left. Came back 5 minutes later and stepped into my house and that is when he put the money into my pockets.
I was standing there as to nicely show him that he wasnt to come any further into the house.

I dont know what to make of it all. Does he genuinely feel sorry for me. Or does he want me to feel sorry for him?
He keeps telling me about his problems and his issues, about his appointments and his gf.
Told me i should have went to him about my ex and things. But why would i do that.

Its worked if that was what he wanted. I feel sorry for him.

I already try and be distant with him. He comes knocking though. I have 4 kids and one of them always launch themselves toward the door so i cant pretend im not in.ahhhh

OP posts:
Sparrowlegs248 · 19/01/2014 15:50

I assume you speak to him? I would say to him, the next time you see him, that you are happy to chat (whatever you have been doing, if you ARE happy) but that he MUST stop giving you money etc as you don't like it and will cease contact if he persists.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 19/01/2014 15:54

Get a chain fitted and use it.

Original poster
wontletmesignin · 19/01/2014 15:56

Very little. I keep myself to myself. It is only when he comes knocking where i feel i have no choice but to speak to him.

We dont exactly have a neighbourly relationship that i feel he thinks we must have.

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 19/01/2014 15:56

"there was a poster on here who was in a similar situation and it became quite scary for her, if I remember right."

It was Mitmoo? She ignored all the advice to politely but firmly refuse all gifts and it was obvious that the man had issues that she was feeding into.

No-one can give you anything you don't want, you either refuse or post it back.

He may not have good intentions, or be only needy, if this was a younger man these would be massive red flags.

Everyone grows old, react as you would if he was 20 years younger.

Original poster
wontletmesignin · 19/01/2014 15:58

Funny, iseeyoushiver. I have one. Ive never thought to use it.

I will have a panic attack at the thought of using it next time. I feel hes only trying to be nice, but i am too weak like that. Hes making me uneasy at the end of the day and i need to act on it before it escalates

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 19/01/2014 16:00

"We dont exactly have a neighbourly relationship that i feel he thinks we must have."

Don't assume what he thinks.

There may be good reasons why others think he isn't lovely.

Ask any women who has been and stayed in an abusive relationship , they are charm personified, if that's the side of themselves they want you to see and latch onto.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 19/01/2014 16:04

Oh gawd, birds? Was it mitmoo? I dont remember who it was, just that it was creepy as fuck.

oh well, it could still have been true and accurate... Wink

Use the chain, wontletme, it is a good barrier.

I am always wary of people who will not respect the feelings of others.

Original poster
wontletmesignin · 19/01/2014 16:08

If i take a step back and look at him from a different perspective. Rather than the old man that i see.

I can see the warning signs of something potentially not nice.

It was today where my mind watched the situation from my mams point of view. When he took the step into my house, the alarm bells rang.

They rang even more when he actually put the money into my pocket. Hes too close for comfort there. A decent thinking human being would consider that before going in for that.
The only other people who have ever done that to me has been family.

He also ignored me when i said i really dont want it or need it. Most importantly, when i told him it makes me feel uncomfortable and uneasy.
No matter how nice and caring he seems to be. Surely, if he really was - he would have realised that some people take offense to gestures like that, and apologised and backed off. Right?

OP posts:
Original poster
wontletmesignin · 19/01/2014 16:10

If anybody could link that other thread, that would be great. Very interested now

OP posts:
Casmama · 19/01/2014 16:17

By giving you things he creates a sense of obligation in you which he is using to his advantage. I think your previous post is spot on.

Post back the gifts and be firm but distant in future. If he continues be quite clear that you feel he is harassing you and you will contact the police if necessary.

Original poster
wontletmesignin · 19/01/2014 16:39

It is an awful feeling i get through it all.
Its like i dont want the things, but feel guilty for telling him i dont. I feel bad at the thought of giving them back incase i offend him!
I just need to remind myself, he wasnt thinking about my feelings when i said i didnt want them.

My mam suggested posting them back with a note. Also to take a copy of the note for police if needed.

If he continues after the note, then to inform the police.

Which i really dont want to have to do.

Im sure this house is cursed.
I have already had the police to my other neighbours. He sent a note telling me to txt him. I didnt know it was him. I thought it was my ex harrassing me. They traced the number and went knocking.
God, now my other neighbour being weird.

This is after having the police here over and over after splitting up from ea ex.

All of this since november! I only moved here in june. My neighbours must love me!

OP posts:
glammanana · 19/01/2014 17:15

Do you not have a male relative who can take the things back for you and have a polite word with him,this flags up to me a red danger sign on all angles to be honest,don't take the chance with even trying to be friendly, this type of behaviour is not normal please please take care !!

MrsWedgeAntilles · 19/01/2014 17:21

Years ago I did a self defence class and one of the things they highlighted as a sign that you might be about to be attacked was someone offering to help you and not backing off when you said no.

Its quite interesting that he latched onto you when he found out you were single, he confided in you about his relationship problems and then started giving you things.

It might all be harmless but it might also be that he's identified that you are vulnerable in his eyes, he's got his way in to your sphere of notice by making you feel sorry for him and is now trying to build up a sense of obligation in you by giving you things.

Like I said it might all be harmless and it might be that I've just got a bad mind but if your spider senses are tingling don't engage any further.

Original poster
wontletmesignin · 19/01/2014 17:36

That is how my mind has worked it all out too.
Im not sure of anyone who could take them back for me.

Crazy thing about what you have just said, mrswedge is he randomly mentioned being on probation.
Could that have been putting fear into me??

Why would he mention that?
He told me the last time he came that he needs his medication increased and hes seeing psychologist.

God im getting more and more.freaked out the more i think about it all.

OP posts:
GlitzAndGiggles · 19/01/2014 17:46

Please don't let this man back in your home no matter how friendly he is towards you!

SuperStrength · 19/01/2014 18:07

But he's not being nice is he? a nice man might offer a vunerable single woman fags & cash but would respect her enough to back off when she said no.

His actions should tell you that he doesn't care what you think, he's going to do what HE thinks.....MASSIVE alarm bells.

His life problems are his, not yours.

My take on him is entirely unsympathetic. He is pushy, insensitive, doesn't listen & imposes himself when not wanted. You need to get him to back off. Not being so friendly is the best place to start.

Some good advice I read on here rings very true 'never be too polite to be safe'. If you mean 'no', insist on 'no' & take offence with anyone who wont accept that your answer is 'no'.

HeadfirstThroughTheTimeVortex · 19/01/2014 18:12

Somebody posted this on MN last week. I'm not saying he's necessarily a potential rapist but your posts about him reminded me of some of the points on this blog. It's worth a read anyway!

The point is he is not listening to you or respecting what you have to say. I would find that intimidating.

kateharding.net/2009/10/08/guest-blogger-starling-schrodinger%E2%80%99s-rapist-or-a-guy%E2%80%99s-guide-to-approaching-strange-women-without-being-maced/

ProfPlumSpeaking · 19/01/2014 18:15

Can you have a peephole fitted to your door? Check before you answer it and just don't open the door if it's him. There is no law saying you have to open your door to everyone who knocks. No need to explain at the time or later, just ignore. Eventually he will get the message.

DelightedIAm · 19/01/2014 18:20

He sounds to me like he needs to rescue people to make himself feel better. It would be interesting to know what brought on a section for his oh. He is not getting his needs met and his displaying what he wants for himself and projecting it on to you.

I would post the gifts back through his door.