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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

what do i do with my neighbour

56 replies

wontletmesignin · 19/01/2014 15:31

He is an oldish man. Lovely and everything, although some would say he isnt.

I havent lived here all that long, so i have only seen him be nice, friendly and caring.

His gf has not long been sectioned and so he is having a hard time atm.
He has recently just found out about me now being on my own.
He has given me cigarettes, more cigarettes and now money.

I really dont want them. I fought him saying i really dont want it and also told him i will post them back. I have told him its making me feel bad and uncomfortable, but he still insists.
Pushing the money into my pockets and placing the cigarettes in the house when i refused to take them!

What can i do about this? I feel really bad, even though i didnt want, nor need them in the first place.

My mam has warned me to be careful and finds it all a bit strange.
I dont know what to do.

I dont know if he is crying out for help.
I have far too much to deal with myself atm, and as much as id like to help. I honestly dont have the time or the energy.

OP posts:
Original poster
wontletmesignin · 19/01/2014 18:24

Very good points superstrength. That can be a problem of mine, saying no. I find it really difficult. So when i have now said no to him, and he is not listening - it reminds me of the reasons i have difficulties saying no in the first place!
People dont listen to me!

I am trying to be more assertive. I will look at this as a test to see how assertive i can be. I will post that note in the mornkng, along with his money and cigs and then see how it goes from there. Any further and it will be the police.

That was a very interesting blog. He really should be listening to me saying no!

I have a peephole. Only im too small to see out of it. I can see through the frosted glass thougj (dont understand the peephole when there is glass).

I need to stop feeling guilty over things. I would torture myself if i deliberately ignored the door.

I really am going to have to stop that shit though as this situation shows the potential dangers i could put myself and my dc in.

OP posts:
Original poster
wontletmesignin · 19/01/2014 18:29

She has bi polar and was sectioned through that.
She knocked on me at 7am that day, and had me go to her house while he was in bed.

She told me all kinds of things about him. He was a murderer, he has skinned people,he was abusive, etc.etc she tried having the police remove him. But she ended up being sectioned instead.

He has told me when he visits her, she still insists that he leaves her house (he only moved in with her about the time i moved in here, so june).
He has told me he isnt leaving and he no longer cares.

I just took her as having a breakdown and tried to help her calm down.
It all got too much for me and i left when the police came.
I posted about this not too long ago.

OP posts:
MrsWedgeAntilles · 19/01/2014 18:33

Yeah, OP if his motives are bad then I think it might be, its an other layer of control.

Super is right, he's not all that worried about what you think, is he?

In your OP you said some people don't think he's lovely. Do you know why and if so does that shed any light on what's going on here?

HeadfirstThroughTheTimeVortex · 19/01/2014 18:39

I remember your post about her breakdown. I would definitely distance myself from them.

MrsWedgeAntilles · 19/01/2014 18:44

Cross posts

Dear God, she wants him out but he doesn't care, he's just going to stay. She's vulnerable and he's using it to his advantage.
OP , run like the wind.

DelightedIAm · 19/01/2014 18:54

The poor Woman, he has had her sectioned and stolen her home. Get some good locks on your door OP.

Original poster
wontletmesignin · 19/01/2014 19:23

I am not sure if he was down to her being sectioned. I know she is in and out of the hospital. This time she has gone to the big, big hospital which i think is hard to get out of.

Then again, i dont know either of them...at all really. So cant be 100% on anything.

I really do try my best to avoid, especially since she was sectioned. I only ever see him when he comes knocking.

Thankfully, i have just had locks installed for protection from my ex.

Hopefully he listens to this note tomorrow! Fingers crossed!

OP posts:
DelightedIAm · 19/01/2014 19:30

Well what I meant by her had her sectioned was he found someone vulnerable and pressed all their buttons, he may have told her he skinned people alive etc, gaslighted her and all sorts, he said to you he didn't care about her wanting him out of her home. He could have made someone vulnerable look more ill than they are, and he will be believed over her as she has the history of mental health issues.

It is good you have excellent locks fitted. Post those things back through his door and avoid him.

Original poster
wontletmesignin · 20/01/2014 12:40

You arevery right delighted. That is a ppssibility. Its all very strange to say the least.

I have just been and handed them back. His friend answered the door and looked at me all strange when i aaid i really didnt want them. As if i was weird.

I feel as though im making a mountain over a mole hill. Ita about 50 quid in the last 4 days. I couldnt take that even if i was desperate
I

OP posts:
Original poster
wontletmesignin · 20/01/2014 12:41

Mountain out of a mole hill? Oh im confused now lol

OP posts:
DelightedIAm · 20/01/2014 12:52

He really is taking over her home, he has friends staying there now? His friend shares his strange values then, that was a lucky escape there. Keep those doors locked OP.

Original poster
wontletmesignin · 20/01/2014 12:58

Fingers crossed that is the end of it.
Cannot be any more clear than actually handing them back.

It would be very odd of him to try and give them back now.

OP posts:
ProfessorDent · 20/01/2014 13:01

How about you give up smoking? That would be a double plus.

Old buggers can be quite persistant when they want to latch on to you, it's like their age lets them fly under the radar.

I would make it look like you always have something on, something to do that doesn't involve him. He probably has you down as a sitting duck, well we can all be like that from time to time, but that type hates a moving target. He also seems a bit soft (in the head). Personally I wouldn't go for the snitty snippy approach exactly, (but then I am a bloke), I'd go for the increasingly vague pleasantness, then ready to actually tell him to fuck off if he doesn't pick up on that, but again, this is from a bloke's pov. But ffs avoid letting the situation build as then it gets on top of you, like an annoying flatmate with an annoying habit.

ProfessorDent · 20/01/2014 13:02

Oh bollocks, I have posted without realising it went onto a second page. Looks like I've just ignored all the previous posts, sorry...

gamerchick · 20/01/2014 13:10

Maybe he's feeling a bit lost.. he's been caring for somebody and all of sudden he isn't and channelling that into you. I wouldn't necessarily see that as threatening, albeit irritating.

Keep being firm with him or call him on it.. tell him you understand but you don't need to be cared for.

Original poster
wontletmesignin · 20/01/2014 13:13

I wouldnt mind giving up smoking. I just need to find the willpower.

He doesnt get the whole busy thing.
Ive been rushing places and hes spotted me and doesnt stop talking. To the point i end up feeling rude. Even telling him im in a hurry. Telling him im late. Telling him im busy.

Ive had all 4 of my kids running riot in the street, my parents disobedient dog too, along with my kitten all because i went to collect a parcel. He wanted a chat. I had to walk away from him that day.

I need to toughen up and be more firm

OP posts:
Original poster
wontletmesignin · 20/01/2014 13:15

That is also possible gamerchick. I feel sorry for him, but i just cant do anything to help him.
At the same time, he is also making me feel really uncomfortable.
I know i could lend him an ear but i havent got the energy atm.

OP posts:
ProfessorDent · 20/01/2014 13:17

Blimey, can't he latch on to someone else? This is the situation where in the old days you could ask a local parish priest to pop in and have a word.

He does sound a bit soft, maybe living with someone a bit nuts has put him in this mindset, and I can see gamerchick's pov too.

Hey wontletmesignin, it does seem like you need to set boundaries, I have a Beano Street cartoon in my mind now with your kids, the dog and kitten making mayhem, like the thing in the Guardian mag where the bloke writes about his family life.

EmmelineGoulden · 20/01/2014 13:47

Of course he gets the busy thing. Unless he has trouble understanding basic English. He just doesn't think your view on what happens in your life is as important as his view on what should happen.

Lonely or not, he is the one being rude to you by not respecting your boundaries. As superstrength said previously - 'never be too polite to be safe'. Once you've established boundaries that he will respect you might, if you are able and want to, be able to provide an ear to him if he's lonely. But until he respects you that can't be a reasonable thing for you to do.

DelightedIAm · 20/01/2014 13:59

He does understand your being busy and like his oh he doesn't care about your needs, it is all about him and what he needs.

I don't know what that other poster means by being soft in the head, and the way they speak about people with MH issues, people with MH issues are no lesser a person.

Original poster
wontletmesignin · 20/01/2014 14:17

I dont know what they mean either.
I think he means he is being soft?

I dont know if he is being soft and caring, or selfish and needy.

Either or -it isnt my place to be the one who takes it.

I am fine on my own. I dont need anybody trying to pick me up, as nice as that may be. He wasnt even aware i was on my own, so i obviously havent given the impression that i need help.

I never thought about him not caring about my being busy as his needs being more important than my own.
His OH kept telling me he was a psychopath.

So it makes me wonder.

It is all done and dusted now. I am sure if he was going to bring them back he would have done so by now.

Thank you all for the advice Smile

OP posts:
DelightedIAm · 20/01/2014 14:26

Maybe his ex met him in a MH institution and he has a psychopath dx? He has no empathy for you or her, so that should tell you a lot.

DelightedIAm · 20/01/2014 14:27

You know what if you want to help your neighbour get the correct treatment, maybe you should describe his behaviour how he can see you being busy, how he said he didn't care she wants him out of her home etc, send the letter to the hospital, it may help her get her home back and the right treatment in hospital.

MrsSquirrel · 20/01/2014 14:47

The mental health thing is a red herring IMO.

He makes the OP uncomfortable. He doesn't respect her or her boundaries. It doesn't matter what the reasons for his behaviour are, she needs to steer clear of him.

ProfessorDent · 20/01/2014 15:33

'Soft in the head' is unsympathetic yes, you could chose one sandwich short of a picnic, a screw loose, some people are just like that. I wasn't referring to his wife who has been sectioned. But I meant to imply that maybe he isn't trying to be a nuisance or a menace but is a bit daft. It is possible if you react to someone like that as if they ARE a menace, things could escalate as they feel justified in taking massive offence.

There are plenty of folk out there who latch on and just chatter, we have a few threads on MN devoted to such types surely.