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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To meet up with son's ex partner

78 replies

MrsBeehive · 19/01/2014 14:48

My ds was with a young lady for five years from the age of 18-23. They broke up 8 years ago and I still have contact with her. She recently had twins and I met for lunch. She talks to me on facebook and also visits my own fil.

Background info she was really in love with my son and he treated her badly. He has a new partner now for the last five years who he treats great from what I can see but this other girl was really infatuated with him. My son doesnt talk to her and hasn't for many years.

Am I being unreasonable or unfair to the new girlfriend by maintaining a relationship with my son's ex all these years?

OP posts:
IneedAsockamnesty · 19/01/2014 15:16

It's inappropriate to be talking about one relationship with the other person but I don't see any reason why you should not remain friends.

PortofinoRevisited · 19/01/2014 15:18

I think it sounds like total stirring.

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 19/01/2014 15:18

Welcome to mumsnet :)

VoldysGoneMouldy · 19/01/2014 15:20

I was going to say it's fine, and that if the two of you like each other, why not stay in touch... Till I read the bit where you said you've mentioned her to his current partner, and told her how in love the ex was. That's just designed to make someone else uncomfortable.

longjane · 19/01/2014 15:27

You are a grown woman you can be freinds with who you like.

SybilRamkin · 19/01/2014 15:29

Is this a reverse AIBU? If not, you are seriously (and deliberately) stirring, and if your DS marries his current partner then you're going to find yourself left out of his life and any potential future grandchildren's lives unless you stop making snide comments about your DS's ex to his current partner. Glad you're not my MIL!

SybilRamkin · 19/01/2014 15:30

Meant to say though, it's fine to be friends with the ex as long as you say nothing about it, but I would question why she wants to be friend with you - is she still holding a torch for your DS?

DioneTheDiabolist · 19/01/2014 15:36

OP, you can be friend's with who you like so YANBU to have a relationship with your son's Ex. However, you seem very tactless with regards to his current partner. Why do you think talking about how often the Ex would stay over is useful info for his girlfriend?Confused

BoneyBackJefferson · 19/01/2014 15:37

Sounds to me like you don't like or approve of your son's choices.

Shesparkles · 19/01/2014 15:39

I still maintain contact with my ex-mil, but when we split up (over 20 years ago) she did say to me "it's you and x who have split up, not you and us"
I bumped into my ex last week and spent a good 15/20 mins speaking to him, about our families etc, but I don't for a second think that if I see ex-mil, the first thing she does is tell her son's partner about it. That's beyond weird and is going to cause serious problems

LingDiLong · 19/01/2014 15:45

No the general consensus is not that you shouldn't stay in touch, it's that you shouldn't shit stir about it!

You compare the ex and the current girlfriend?! You discuss details of the relationship with the ex girlfriend with the current girlfriend?! Totally unreasonable. Why would you do that?

TalisaMaegyr · 19/01/2014 15:51

I have no problem with you being in touch with the ex. That's nice. But why are you discussing their relationship with the current gf? That's spiteful and goady, to my mind.

AnyFucker · 19/01/2014 15:51

There are a lot of these "faux surprise that I am being u" threads around recently. Are they all the same OP ?

Caitlin17 · 19/01/2014 16:00

I don't think you are remotely unreasonable in keeping in touch with her if she and you want to.

I also think it will be almost impossible not to compare the ex and the current in your own head.

What would be wrong is telling the ex, the current and the son how the 2 girls scored in that comparison and treating the current any differently than you did the ex when she was the gf.

Where you did go very badly wrong was telling the current how much the ex loved your son.

invicta · 19/01/2014 16:03

The ex was part of your life for 5 years, so it's not unreasonable to stay friends. However, discussing her with the new gf is a bit unreasonable, especially as she is a long term girlfriend. What is your relationship with the new gf like? Your son was quite young when he was with the ex, and few relationships continue beyond teen years.

nauticant · 19/01/2014 16:05

So MrsBeehive, what was it that encouraged you to start your one and only thread on this subject?

TaraLott · 19/01/2014 16:13

I think this Bee has buzzed off nauticant.

To another new name and another load of twaddle.

enriquetheringbearinglizard · 19/01/2014 16:14

I think it's quite nice that you get on well with your son's ex and haven't ditched her from your life if she likes you too, but this
I told my son's partner about the relationship and how he used to treat her, how she used to stay at mine all the time etc. Just useful info.

Think about it. How is that 'useful info' useful to who?

All you need to do to decide IYABU is imagine you were your DS's partner and how would that kind of information from his mother make you feel?

If it were me I'd conclude that you didn't like me, preferred the ex and would much rather that they'd stayed together and he hadn't met me.

I think you should still meet with the ex if you both enjoy it, but keep it to yourself and if asked, only if asked, be extremely vague and move the conversation on.

tiredandsadmum · 19/01/2014 16:17

I stayed friends with my (previous) ex's parents for years. We had more in common than I did with him!! But my ex's mum was always careful not to talk about him at all; mentioned his sister loads. But she sent gifts for my wedding, for my DS. They live in America so we didn't physically see each other. The friendship has only recently faded away after 20 years. Compare and contrast to my ex's parents (and grandparents to my DS) who stopped all contact the minute ex moved out, following discovery of his affair.

SpottyDottie · 19/01/2014 16:22

It's one thing to continue a relationship with your sons ex as long as he doesn't mind but DO NOT keep telling his now partner all about her!

Lj8893 · 19/01/2014 16:27

Ummm

SaucyJack · 19/01/2014 16:34

I think it's disrespectful to your son- never mind his current partner. He obviously doesn't want her in his life.

I'd find it quite creepy and invasive if my mum refused to let go of one of my exes.

PortofinoRevisited · 19/01/2014 16:41

Twins too! Fancy.

firesidechat · 19/01/2014 17:23

I think it is fine to be a bit iffy about your child's partner as long as you keep it to yourself and don't even suggest by your actions that this is the case. I have two grown up children, so know what it's like.

To meet up with your son's ex, compare her favourably to the current girlfriend and, what's worse, reminisce to current gf about the ex and tell her that you are meeting up is BVU. You know this surely?

I wouldn't dream of mentioning my children's previous partners. It's really not the sort of thing that comes up in casual conversation. Find another subject for small talk.

firesidechat · 19/01/2014 17:24

Please don't tell me I've been sucked in. I'm usually better than this.