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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Expensive activity for one child, can't afford stuff for others

109 replies

Nataleejah · 19/01/2014 12:02

My oldest does go-karting, and it costs an arm and a leg. It feels being very unfair for his brothers, but... Can't really pull a plug on it because he is thriving in there.

OP posts:

needaholidaynow · 19/01/2014 12:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chandlery · 19/01/2014 12:49

To be perfectly honest with you, unless you are getting everything sponsored by a high profile sponsor or can afford to spend ££££ then this will not be a career choice for your DC.

He may well be as talented as Lewis Hamilton but without huge funds he won't get far. The instructors are keen to encourage as it keeps training full.

Unless you are actually competing every week (and winning) then you could perhaps take a step back, reduce money spent and have a happier conscience for your other DC.

The big constructors and teams consider that you shouldn't need that much training if you're really that good. This sport is based on natural talebt.

Sorry, but better to make the decision now than years down the line and regret the money spent chasing a unachievable dream.

MarmiteNotVegemite · 19/01/2014 12:50

he really likes music, so we're thinking of a music teacher and piano, stuff like that, but it seems out of our price range at the moment

YABU. Very.

I'm one of 6 children, and various of us did various activities. As I grew older, I came to realize how much it all cost, and pulled back from an expensive activity because I felt guilty I was costing so much, even though I really wanted to keep going. How much we all "cost" wasn't thrown in our faces, but if you're halfway intelligent & sensitive to the family as a child, then you come to realize.

And one of my siblings seemed to get whatever they asked for.I'm sure I would have too, if I had asked, but I felt guilty to.

It may be that your other DC aren't interested in external activities, or expensive ones at least! But it could be that they'll feel they can't ask, because they've picked up the limit to family finances.

It's a real mistake to think the way you do in your OP, IMHO.

Picturesinthefirelight · 19/01/2014 12:54

I have a daughter who dances & we have spent an absolute fortune on her to the extent that our summer holiday last year was spent in a premier inn whilst she did a summer school.

However we always ensured that ds could also dog things. As it happens he isn't a joiner in but he has recently started music lessons.

We did say no to dd doing SN extra dance class at one point as it would have meant ds couldn't go to something.

Kundry · 19/01/2014 12:57

Children are very much aware of money, in ways their parents often don't realise. I knew my parents didn't have much and I can remember telling them I wasn't interested in going on school trips for example - I was but I knew it would be a struggle for them so I pretended and they believed me.

In DH's family it wasn't so much money as fairness - DH age 40 can't understand why his DB could go to football and he couldn't, or why the money not spent on him going to football couldn't have been spent on something he was interested in. He didn't ask about going to stuff at the time, not because he didn't have an interest but because he felt he couldn't.

MarmiteNotVegemite · 19/01/2014 12:58

He didn't ask about going to stuff at the time, not because he didn't have an interest but because he felt he couldn't

^ This ^

SilverApples · 19/01/2014 13:00

I agree, my two adult children remember the fairness/unfairness of situations and choices far more than the actual money involved.
There's obviously a large age difference, so the fairness could be that when your younger children react the same age, there will be opportunities for them.

Morgause · 19/01/2014 13:06

YABVVVVVVVU.

How do the other children feel about the "golden boy" getting all that money spent on him? I can't believe you think it's OK to spend so much on one and not on the others.

BackforGood · 19/01/2014 13:06

I've found it tends to even out over time. We try to do what we think is best, within our budget and the time we have available for each of our children at the time the opportunities arise. That doesn't mean the same as giving them all the same amount of time or spending equal amounts of money. As others have said, they have different interests, different levels of enthusiasm or commitment, different skill levels. We've always tried to support them in things they are interested in yes, even the chess competitions but have also been prepared to say "no" when we just can't commit the time or the money when asked.
Your younger ds is too young for lots of activities yet anyway, so why not start just putting a little bit by each week / month so you have a 'starter fund' when he gets to an age where he might be ready to have lessons / coaching in whatever he is keen on.

AnyFucker · 19/01/2014 13:09

I think you are in real danger of setting your eldest up as "The Golden Child" which as well as harming his siblings will also harm him.

This type of activity/career path tends to be only be accessible for the monied, I am afraid. Not fair, but true. A bit like professional tennis/golf in that respect in that only the top 0.1% (possibly less, I ust plucked that out of the air) get any real success with it. If you think your boy has that level of skill, then maybe.

JohnnyBarthes · 19/01/2014 13:10

It would be spectacularly shit and unfair to say to ds1 that he can't do karting because his much younger brothers can't do it too.

Quite apart from the financial aspect, they're too young!

popperdoodles · 19/01/2014 13:12

DS2 does an expensive sports club, he was invited to join because of his ability. ds1 plays sport too but at local inexpensive club. we make it up to him in different ways, not always financial. luckily ds3 really dislikes organised activities so no worries there.
I think it's fine as long as the children don't feel it is unfair.

Creamycoolerwithcream · 19/01/2014 13:14

When I watching the Olympics I thought about the sacrifices the families must have made for their children both in terms of time and money.

Original poster

Nataleejah · 19/01/2014 13:15

We started go-karting just to see how it goes, but now we're here... He does so well, we have some sponsors, he got his ticket to camp in USA, just cant pull the plug on it, simply cant.

And with all sports or music, when it gets to the point which can be career, not just play, everything gets insanely expensive :(

OP posts:

Original poster

Nataleejah · 19/01/2014 13:16

About olympics, thats true about sacrifices... Families even move from one country to another so children get appropriate training.

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thedogwakesuptoodamnearly · 19/01/2014 13:17

David Coulthard's dad couldn't afford for him and his brother to both go racing. I do wonder how his brother felt about the decision! But it was obviously the right one for DC.

chandlery · 19/01/2014 13:19

In answer to your OP, yes YABU, but as you don't feel you can do anything about it then then I'm not sure how we can help?

HappyMummyOfOne · 19/01/2014 13:26

YABVU, children should be treated fairly. So the younger one cant have music lessons as his brother gets both the bulk of the money and time.

Feeling second best will stay with him for the rest of his life if you dont make things fairer.

Worried3 · 19/01/2014 13:26

I think it depends on the impact on the other children as to whether you are being unfair or not.

If you can't allow them to take part in activities they want to try or take part in- on either cost or time grounds- then yes, you are being incredibly unfair.

If the other children are missing out on time with you (not necessarily doing a hobby/activity, just time spent with their parents going to park/swimming/playing in the house), as you or DH spend most free time helping the eldest with his hobby, then this would also be unfair.

However, assuming the other children don't want to take part in an activity that you can't allow them to do because of financial or time constraints placed on you by your elder child's activities, then I'd say it's fine- as long as they get their fair share of time and attention from both you and your DH.

chandlery · 19/01/2014 13:27

In fairness I'm not sure you do appreciate how expensive this will get yet. Are you prepared to spend £100k? I'm not sure piano lessons for DS2 would cost quite that much.

WorrySighWorrySigh · 19/01/2014 13:30

I think the thing about asking to do activities is important. All 3 of my DCs do activities but all three were offered them. We didnt wait for them to ask.

Natalejah for your child showing interest in music have you looked at your County Music Service? Both my DD's attend a Saturday morning session. Older DD is now an assistant helping with an Early Years class.

This type of group can allow children to try different instruments. The cost is also very low.

JohnnyBarthes · 19/01/2014 14:02

Say you have a 12 year old and a 17 year old. The oldest wants driving lessons, in fact it would be useful for her to be able to drive.

Lessons cost £100 a month. This is affordable, especially as for now 12 yo dd's only hobby is Scouts.

What do you do? Say no to lessons because it's not fair on the 12 year old? Really?

Original poster

Nataleejah · 19/01/2014 14:02

WorrySighWorrySigh, thanks. First we'll try local church (organist is also a music teacher), and we could find an eastern european music teacher, so many professionals unemployed

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HollaAtMeBaby · 19/01/2014 14:08

How old is your son? You say he's starting school this year which would make him 4 but you're also talking about sending him to summer camp in the US and this being his future career. Have I misunderstood or are you completely mental?

Original poster

Nataleejah · 19/01/2014 14:15

DS1 is 10, he's the one going to camp in USA, DS2 is 5 starting school this year, DS3 is newborn

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