Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm just so fucking fed up and angry. Probably am BU but how patient am I supposed to fucking be after 3 years+!?!?

54 replies

TheOrchardKeeper · 19/01/2014 08:10

There is a tonne of back story but to cut it short:

Fell pregnant young with DS & decided to keep him much to ex's horror
Gave ex the option of walking away (a hundred times) to which he declined. So he saw him about twice in the first year and a handful of times in the second year.

Once he turned 2 I said enough was enough and he could either start actually having him/spending alone time with him (instead of coming over and playing on his phone & watching me look after him) to which he agreed and he's had him for 1 night a fortnight most of this year.

But he is always whinging about how hard that one night is as he wakes up at half 5 (how does he think I bloody feel) & how much of a handful DS is in the day (well yes, he's a 3 year old boy, what do you expect)?

DS has a cold and as expected he's not sleeping great but he's pretty happy in himself so he went to his dad's last night and his dad has just posted on FB how tired he is & texted to ask if I can have him back earlier.

AIBU to think FOR THE SWEET LOVE OF GOD JUST STOP TELLING ME HOW HARD IT FUCKING IS. I FUCKING KNOW. I DO 90 FUCKING % OF IT AND ACTUALLY AM NOT THAT BLOODY BOTHERED BECAUSE HE'S MY SON AND IT'S WHAT YOU BLOODY DO WHEN YOU'RE A PARENT. Angry

I bite my tongue all-the-jeffing-time to make sure their relationship doesn't suffer but I am sick of it. Sick to the back of my teeth.

AND he's moving 175 miles away next week because his mum decided to move and he wants to be with his 'family' so DS isn't family then Hmm

If he really CBA then why won't he just walk away. GAH.

I'm probabl being harsh but It's just been such a long, irritating thing

OP posts:
PavlovtheCat · 19/01/2014 08:13

You are not being harsh. He's a jerk. What are the arrangements when he is so far away? How will he step up to the role of fatherhood even for one night then? This will be the telling time.

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 19/01/2014 08:14

(I'm normally a very calm, patient person & hate confrontation. I have given him so many chances when I think others might not have because I wanted to be fair to my son and not be 'one of those mums' but I just feel like screaming atm. I am so worried his approach will rub off on DS. He's always shouting at him & bragging about it & palms him off on his mum which he doesn't know I know )

OP posts:
LindyHemming · 19/01/2014 08:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 19/01/2014 08:15

He reckons he'll maintain the current set up but he's not done that long drive with a bored toddler in the back!

It's going to be tough & he has a track record of fucking off when things get tough.

OP posts:
nennypops · 19/01/2014 08:15

Seriously, why bite your tongue? You don't have to be nasty about it, but if every time he moans about being up at 5.30 you smile and say "I know, I do it every day for the other 13 days in the fortnight", might it come home to him that he shouldn't ask for sympathy from you?

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 19/01/2014 08:16

(If we have anything even close to a 'discussion' he turns pretty nasty. Shouts, gets really defensive and it becomes an argument. He'll also bring up the fact he never wanted him at the start. Lovely).

OP posts:
Pagwatch · 19/01/2014 08:17

From what you have said I think this issue will resolve itself when he moves as he will not bother his arse to make the journey.

YANBU. He sounds awful.

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 19/01/2014 08:18

I do bring up things like that.

He was whining about how hard packing is and I said 'yeah tell me about it. I had to move from a shitty B&B to a 1 bed bungalow with a 1 year old in tow by myself'. Didn't say it shittily but it just made me want to headbutt a wall Blush

OP posts:
bakingtins · 19/01/2014 08:19

It sounds like he is walking away, TBH Sad Does he support his son financially?
It must be really irritating that he whinges about the tiny amount of parenting he currently does, but it was plain from the off he didn't want to be a Dad. His loss, I'd say. You are trying your best to facilitate a relationship with his son, but he needs to start making the effort.

Ledkr · 19/01/2014 08:20

God it's annoying isn't it?

My x has not helped at all since he left and I've brought up dd completely alone (until I remarried when she was 5)

All I can say is to not waste your time or energy thinking about it cos it won't change.

My ex just restarted his life and now has two more dds who he does loads with while my ds don't see him and dd sees him for a few hrs on a Sunday.

At Xmas though, i read all the threads on here from Mums who's dc are with their Dad for Xmas and I feel glad that that will never happen to me.

ArfurFoulkesayke · 19/01/2014 08:20

How important is it to you that they have a relationship?

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 19/01/2014 08:21

I do think he's taking the wimpy way out and will do it gradually. Which is horrible for DS, who does seem to enjoy going there.

I understand that he didn't want him & it's unfair that he got no choice but he had options, you know?

He does pay towards him (£150 a month, which is a great help) but it's often used as a 'well at least I pay for him'.

I just feel so sad for DS really...

OP posts:
Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 19/01/2014 08:22

I don't care if he wants to walk away. I wish he had as it's been such a PITA from day 1 but it's partly my fault as I chose to keep DS knowing that ex didn't want him.

I just wish he'd do either or. Not this half arsed, in and out approach.

OP posts:
MsAspreyDiamonds · 19/01/2014 08:24

AIBU to think FOR THE SWEET LOVE OF GOD JUST STOP TELLING ME HOW HARD IT FUCKING IS. I FUCKING KNOW. I DO 90 FUCKING % OF IT AND ACTUALLY AM NOT THAT BLOODY BOTHERED BECAUSE HE'S MY SON AND IT'S WHAT YOU BLOODY DO WHEN YOU'RE A PARENT

Paste this underneath his moany post on facebook & see how he reacts.

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 19/01/2014 08:27

Oh god. I seriously want to Grin

I always get the feeling that what he does do is out of guilt...but he's not considered that DS is possibly better off without if that's the case.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 19/01/2014 08:31

DS also has clubfoot and had regular hospital appnts. I always use public transport which takes an hour each way, despite the fact that ex drives and has told mutual friends that he takes him sometimes. He fucking doesn't...

OP posts:
Needadvice5 · 19/01/2014 08:32

Does ds have much contact with his family?
Sounds to me like it will all stop when he moves anyway, you'll do an amazing job bringing your son up without him!

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 19/01/2014 08:33

(Not that I mind taking him. It's just infuriating.

He always makes me feel like IBU if I attempt to talk to him about it that I've started to feel like maybe I am as it's all so ridiculous)!

OP posts:
Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 19/01/2014 08:33

Thank you need

He sees ex's mum, sister & his sister's kid.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 19/01/2014 08:35

You've answered your own question. You're a parent. He isn't.
The early starts and the day entertaining a toddler are coming as a shock to the system for him because he hasn't had to adapt as you have.
More fool him.

FunkyBoldRibena · 19/01/2014 08:39

92.9% if you want to be precise.

I'd probably post what you put in here.

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 19/01/2014 08:46

He's cancelled a lot lately for BS reasons.

Didn't come to his birthday party as he had a cold...though he was well enough to have friends over & lots of people at the party had colds as we all have kids of nursery age!

OP posts:
Merrybuddha · 19/01/2014 08:47

Your ex sounds exactly just like mine but I am 13 years later further down the line.
When he moved away, at first he wanted me to meet him half way (DS was about 3 too), then when I would, he then wanted me to drive DS there with him them returning him. Which I did. Then he started asking me to pay for the things he did with DS. One month he asked for more money than money he gave me each month, I said no, he used this as an excuse to stop contact.
Then when DS was 13 he asked for a DNA test, told DS I had been sleeping around so that why he wasn't in his life.none of this was true, also I was a one night stand, except we had been living as a couple for 2 years. Surprisingly the DNA proved he was the dad, unfortunately he has never stepped up. Though this year he had decided DS can come and stay with them, for 2 week though for 1 week the ex will be away with wife to Paris and want DS to look after their 7 yo son in London. I said NO.

Like you I went out of my way, so my DS could know/have a relationship with his bio dad. But you can shine a shit but at the end of the day it's still a shit.

You ex is giving nothing, not supporting your DS (expect for the money) let him walk away, it would probably be best for all. What a arse!!

ExcuseTypos · 19/01/2014 08:50

"(If we have anything even close to a 'discussion' he turns pretty nasty. Shouts, gets really defensive and it becomes an argument. He'll also bring up the fact he never wanted him at the start. Lovely)."

Tbh I wouldn't want someone like that looking after my child. Sad I'd be relieved he's moving away and hope he doesn't maintain contact.

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 19/01/2014 08:50

Thanks for that merry

Sorry for your son. I can't believe your ex wanted him to watch the 7yo after all that BS! Shock

OP posts: