I'm just so fucking fed up and angry. Probably am BU but how patient am I supposed to fucking be after 3 years+!?!?

[TheOrchardKeeper]

There is a tonne of back story but to cut it short:

Fell pregnant young with DS & decided to keep him much to ex's horror
Gave ex the option of walking away (a hundred times) to which he declined. So he saw him about twice in the first year and a handful of times in the second year.

Once he turned 2 I said enough was enough and he could either start actually having him/spending alone time with him (instead of coming over and playing on his phone & watching me look after him) to which he agreed and he's had him for 1 night a fortnight most of this year.

But he is always whinging about how hard that one night is as he wakes up at half 5 (how does he think I bloody feel) & how much of a handful DS is in the day (well yes, he's a 3 year old boy, what do you expect)?

DS has a cold and as expected he's not sleeping great but he's pretty happy in himself so he went to his dad's last night and his dad has just posted on FB how tired he is & texted to ask if I can have him back earlier.

AIBU to think FOR THE SWEET LOVE OF GOD JUST STOP TELLING ME HOW HARD IT FUCKING IS. I FUCKING KNOW. I DO 90 FUCKING % OF IT AND ACTUALLY AM NOT THAT BLOODY BOTHERED BECAUSE HE'S MY SON AND IT'S WHAT YOU BLOODY DO WHEN YOU'RE A PARENT.

I bite my tongue all-the-jeffing-time to make sure their relationship doesn't suffer but I am sick of it. Sick to the back of my teeth.

AND he's moving 175 miles away next week because his mum decided to move and he wants to be with his 'family' so DS isn't family then

If he really CBA then why won't he just walk away. GAH.

I'm probabl being harsh but It's just been such a long, irritating thing

I think your DS would be better off without him, particularly if he shouts at you that he never wanted him. Let him go and don't chase him.

I am secretly hoping he just can't be arsed so we can get on with our lives without the drama and upset.

I'm surprised he didn't ask for a DNA tbh. He's still certain that I got pregnant on purpose I had a uni place all set up and fell pregnant just 3 months before so why on earth would I do that on purpose

Sounds like my nephews dad who works 4 days a week but refuses to have my nephew sometimes because he "wants a break"....SERIOUSLY?!?!?

He doesn't shout that bit. He just says it matter of factly. Like it's a normal thing to say about your living child...

Told him I'm out of town today and won't be back til usual time (4pm)

It's the last break i'll probably get for some time and selfish as it is I need the sleep!

Agree with Excuse

He sounds like a waste of space and his attitude means he may cause your DS emotional harm.

Might be the best thing if he had less contact tbh.

He's very good at acting nice but it drops the second you challenge him or DS becomes a handful. He's handed him back on a few occasions when DS has been a tiny tiny bit ill (I wouldn't hand him over with anything more than a cold as I don't trust him not to be horrid to him. His family are all 'shouters' and his mum used smacking a lot when ex was little).

He always comes back smelling of smoke too so i'm sure he smokes in the car but he completely denies it

You're a parent; he isn't. It's really as simple as that. You have raised your son, he occasionally visits with him. If you think that at any stage e may add some value to your child's life then maintain amicable contact if possible. If you think he's going to be a burden on your son then let it fizzle out. This man will be loser in the long run.

I'm going through the same thing with my DD's Dad.

He won't take her overnight as he doesn't think it's fair because he needs his nights off.

He has every night off and he doesn't work either so has ever day off too, yet only manages to take her for a few hours on a Saturday- if a better offer hasn't come up!

He pays maintenance, but it's the same as with you that it's constantly being brought up as though him paying maintenance make him a wonderful father and is enough. He also pays the exact same amount £150 a month!

DD's Dad will not take her if she's ill either. He didn't see her for a month last year because she had chicken pox and then a cold.

I used to get really angry and frustrated with it all but now I try to tell myself that I'm doing all I can to ensure they have a relationship and if he doesn't make the effort it's his loss.

Hard as it may be, try not to let it affect you too much. You've done all you can and if he won't make the effort nothing you do will change that.

You have my sympathies though op, I know how much it hurts to have your child's father so disinterested and so useless.

Thing is I don't think he'll completely cut contact. Not yet.

But i'm always the one texting to double checking dates/times etc so what I think i'll do is reply to him if he calls but not do any of it myself anymore. It shouldn't be my responsibility anyway

When he moves next week i'll just make a mental note not to do anything.

He's naturally pretty lazy/bad at organizing so I think it'll slowly start to seem like too much work for him.

Sounds a bit harsh but as DS gets older I'm just really worrying about the effect all this had on him.

He walked in the other day and said 'go away mummy. I'm having a cigarette' (neither me nor DP smoke).

Thanks blue

Sorry to hear that.

If it were up to me & I didn't have to factor in DS's feelings I'd seriously have told him to fuck off to the far side of fuck the second I fell pregnant and he got his mum around to try and talk me into an abortion!

I will never understand how a parent could walk away from their child.

I would just stop running around after this man child.

He doesn't deserve to be a father.

It's confusing though as he's adamant he does want to be one when challenged (and i'm pretty good at calmy bringing things up rather than 'having a go' so it's not like I even put him on the defense. He just does get really defensive. Probably out of guilt or something).

Keep ranting here. It sounds like you're doing your best with a difficult situation. He doesn't sound like someone you can have a rational productive conversation.

It would be great to use the move as an opportunity to explain that he needs to step up or walk away as ds is getting older and rejection by his dad is going to get harder to bear.

Thank you Zen

I think this move will at least be a fork in the road IYSWIM?

(Forgot to mention. He's literally moving with his mum to the same house. It's a four bed so apparantly DS will have his own room. That's what I find so confusing. He's all optimistic about it working out the same as it is now but he's not actually put it into practise yet. He doesn't know if it'll be too much to drive 175 miles BOTH ways everytime he has to pick up DS).

Actions speak louder than words OP.
He doesn't want to be a parent to his child, he just wants people to think he does.
All you have to do is make your child available for contact, nothing else. Stop chasing him up re contact times etc, that's not your responsibility.
In your shoes I'd be hoping he'd lose interest, contact with a parent who doesn't want you can be very emotionally damaging.

That's what I'm most worried about take

It's been 3 years now and i just think most decent parents would be more interested by now and wouldn't actually want to move so far away. He said he considered staying (he can afford to) but isn't.

I feel like there's nothing I can do though as I can't stop him seeing DS. I can just hope this move works out for all of us.

YANBU. He's being a cock. How frustrating. Sorry, I have no better advice than what has already been posted. xx and

Thank you

I just needed to vent & not hear how I'm being over the top etc.

Just feel like crying for DS really.

Yanbu at all!

It is really sad for ds. But these things happen, you can't do anything about who his dad is.

Concentrate on your own parenting and feeling good about what you can control.

OK, firstly stop chasing this useless man. All you have to do, legally, is make DS available for contact a reasonable amount of time. This selfish, lazy man is unlikely to take you to court over it (though it is just slightly possible that he will get a girlfriend, whine to her about how he never sees his son and, with her encouragement, start pushing for contact and playing the martyr - it might be a good idea to keep a diary noting all the times he refuses to take DS/brings him back early/does something stupid for future reference).
Secondly, work on an age-appropriate, diplomatic version of the truth for when DS asks questions. Tell him that some people are just not very good at being parents, and that there is nothing that DS did wrong to make his father go away.
Best of luck.

The fact he is moving so far away might be a blessing in disguise I don't think it's very likely he will keep up personal contact if he has to make this sort of effort. There will probably be a few cancelled visits. He probably intends to keep in touch but it will all be too much of an effort. He sounds a bit of a waste of time. Hope things work out.

Thank you for the advice solid

To top it off, he's also dating a heavily pregnant girl (not his). So I do wonder if she might push him to do something like that.

I plan to do everything I can to make sure DS knows it's nothing to do with him personally IYSWIM and to let DS that I love him unconditionally. I grew up with just a mum & a brother and we were happy. I think having at least one main source of unconditional, parental love is what really counts.

Then it's just trying to minimise/avoid the effects on DS as things arise in the future really.