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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU about "Co-Sleeping"

76 replies

mumtobealloveragain · 18/01/2014 23:20

I never co slept with my other children. They were bottle fed for various reasons. If get up, heat bottle, feed baby, out back into cot, get in my bed and go to sleep.

Our baby is 10 weeks old and breast fed and I've become an "accidental" co sleeper. We have a cot of course but she's not keen on sleeping in it.

She just sleeps so much better in bed next to me and I sleep better too. I don't usually set out to have her in bed, she goes to bed in her cot at first but when she wakes up for milk I usually end up feeding her lying down and often we both fall asleep.

It worries my DP and he's told me so, he thinks she should be in her cot and it's making me feel a bit guilty.

I say "accidental" but obviously I can obviously stop if I want/need to and just sit on a chair in the bedroom to feed her to stop me falling asleep with her. But... it's just so much easier for us both (me and her) and she's so much more content in with me at night. I wake up feeling like I've actually been to sleep which obviously makes me a much better (less tired less grouchy) mum to her and all the other children too.

I'd love to hear some other's opinions / knowledge about this...

AIBU to co sleep?

OP posts:

PicaK · 18/01/2014 23:27

Have you evaluated the risks and taken allsteps to reduce risk? If so yanbu.

If it's working for you great. Worked best for me too.

dylanthedragon · 18/01/2014 23:31

YANBU. I did the same with my DD. Whatever gets us all the most sleep goes in this house (while following the safety advice on cosleeping).

What is it about cosleeping that worries your DH?

HelgatheHairy · 18/01/2014 23:32

Before I had DD I was certain I wouldn't co-sleep and DH was VERY against it. DD however didn't know this And screamed her head off if we put her down in her cot. Into our bed she came and is still there at 5 months.

To be fair to DH, after he realised it was the only way I was going to get any sleep, never said another word.

I think you should decide what YOU want to do and if you want to co-sleep them be sure you're doing it safely, duvet up to waist only etc. To be honest, falling asleep during feeds can be dangerous if you're not planning on co-sleeping because you don't have the safest set up and you're not as mentally connected.

Lucylouby · 18/01/2014 23:33

YANBU. As long as you are co sleeping safely, there is no problem. Are you sleeping safely with your baby? It's been a while since I had a baby so I can't remember all the safety advice, but no smokers in the bed, don't bed share if you have had alcohol or drugs or if you are extremely tired are some of them. If you get more sleep when you co sleep you are less likely to become over tired than if you fall asleep on the chair with your baby while feeding which would be more dangerous.

Original poster

mumtobealloveragain · 18/01/2014 23:34

Sorry I should have added more to my Op...

I have looked online as much as possible about the risks of co sleeping. But nowhere seems to state if co sleeping safely increases the risk of SIDS. If it did, I would stop.

-Dd is always in a baby sleeping bag so no duvet on her just me.
-She sleeps at my chest level so not on a pillow or near mine,
-I do not drink or smoke
-DP is not sleeping in with us at the moment as he's working and needs to be well slept for his job so it's just me in the bed
-She's well, average weight and not prem.

Are there other risks/precautions I haven't considered?

OP posts:

lilyaldrin · 18/01/2014 23:36

If she's breastfed and you're doing it safely, then YANBU.

shockedballoon · 18/01/2014 23:40

DS was an accidental cosleeper. We had a side along cot but I would feed lying down and then forget to shove him back and drift off post feed.
It was what got us all the most sleep, so I wasn't as knackered and therefore (according to the guidelines) less risky for cosleeping. We also had a large bed with a decent fairly new mattress and I am not classed as overweight nor did I drink before bed or take any sedating medication.
As long as you are taking reasonable precautions i think it's fab. Certainly helps babies settle quicker after feeds and also means you get to sleep much quicker too as there's no schleping back to bed to get settled etc yourself.
I loved it at first - for a start it was so much easier on my pregnancy knackered back. However by 6mths I was less enamoured as DS was a progressively more and more 'active' & mobile sleeper!

Claryrocks · 18/01/2014 23:42

Can really recommend reading a book called three in a bed about co-sleeping. My daughter slept in her own cot in her own room at 6 weeks cos that worked best for her. (Big baby who quickly grew out of Moses basket and disturbed easily). My son had other ideas when he was born and only slept attached to me either by a sling or co-sleeping. We too did it accidentally but it really worked and we were all happy. Are you breast feeding? Apparently a breast feeding mother never enters the deepest stage of sleep so is always semi conscious what is happening with her baby.

I made sure he was flat and put him in a grow bag on top of duvet. We did that for 6 months and he was such a happy secure boy and I had proper sleep. My husband didn't feel comfortable either but he didn't trust himself so we were lucky enough to have a spare double bed so we slept there.

Do what feels right for you as a happy and rested mum makes for a happy baby!

Anomaly · 18/01/2014 23:43

I co-slept with all mine but I never liked doing it. I did it so I got some sleep. Mine would all feed to sleep. If I then tried moving them to their cot they knew and immediately woke up. After a few nights of feeding every hour the idea of spending even 10 minutes settling them in a cot was just too much so co-sleeping was my solution. With DS2 I bought a cot that attached to the bed and it made me feel a lot happier about co-sleeping.

I did read up on co-sleeping safely and a part of that is about both of you agreeing to do it. My DH was happy for me to co-sleep mainly because he got more sleep that way. How would your DP feel about helping you to settle your baby in their cot following a feed?

DrCoconut · 18/01/2014 23:44

DS is 3 in April and still likes to be in with us.

Iamavapernow · 18/01/2014 23:44

Firm mattress. Besides that you are following safe co sleeping rules. It's fine. Stop worrying. Babies co sleep the world over.

Alisvolatpropiis · 18/01/2014 23:48

If your dp is worried about safety and you're happy to cosleep, you can get a bed attachment cot thing (official term).

I've seen one, it looks like a massive cushion which is quite solidly attached to the side of the bed but with a "dip" for the baby to sleep in, so there is no risk of rolling and hurting the baby whilst you sleep.

They're sold online.

maddening · 18/01/2014 23:50

If you do cosleep then plan to cosleep - so the bed is set up as safely as possible - wear a dressing gown so you don't have blankets pulled up or consider a side car cot.

There is lots of info on the safe way to cosleep so accept that you are doing it and ensure it is as safe as poss.

we ended up coslerping from 10 mth old and by 12 mths ds and I had a double mattress on his floor set up for cosleeping. We coslept till he was 2.4 and he now at nearly 3 he sttn (usually) in his own bed 99% of the time.

Balistapus · 18/01/2014 23:53

Another accidental co-sleeper here. My 6 month old would -and still does - only be nursed to sleep and then stay asleep touching me. I'm very clued up about risk and I too found no evidence that safe co-sleeping increased the risk of SIDS. We do the same as you, grow bag for her, only me under duvet, partner in the spare room, no drink or cigarettes, firm mattress so no roll together. Oh, I have her raised on a pillow so there's no danger of me rolling onto her arm.
I can honestly say that I sleep almost as well as before I had her - I wake for a couple of minutes to latch her on whenever she wants a feed, but that's about it.
YANBU

Balistapus · 19/01/2014 00:01

Also, duvet is tucked around and then underneath me and only to just below my chest. I wear a long sleeved Lycra top - so no flappy fabric -pulled up to the nips on the top half.

poppycock6 · 19/01/2014 00:26

Co-sleeping worked well for me with my second DD. I put a bed guard up and kept her under her own blanket rather than my duvet so she didn't get too hot or disappear underneath. Made it so much easier to bf and we both had a relatively good nights sleep. Obviously it's best to do a bit of research and make sure you reduce any risks.

FestiveSpiritedwolf · 19/01/2014 00:51

DS sleeps in a bedside cot with his mattress level with mine so we can easily breastfeed. When he was a small baby I found it reassuing that he had his mattress and plenty of his own space away from our bedding. I still tended to get up to nurse in the night - as it was comfier to nurse sitting up on an armchair rather than in bed - till we mastered nursing lying down.

Make sure you have the bed set up for safe co-sleeping. Share the information with your DP about how unplanned co-sleeping on the sofa or armchair is much more risky than planned co-sleeping in a bed where you have minimised the risks of overheating and excess bedding. If you can, after feeding, lay baby to sleep on his back. Unfortunately, no matter where your baby sleeps, the risk of SIDS cannot be eliminated. :(

YANBU but it is understandable that your DP is nervous about it as the blanket "bedsharing is bad" message is out there. Share with him what you know about the risks of smothering and SIDS and what you are doing to minimise them. Talk about the possibility of a bedside cot or crib as a compromise which would give baby his own mattress and extra space.

Enjoy your baby and all those newborn snuggles. Congratulations.

Catsize · 19/01/2014 07:27

We bought a beautiful cot and expensive mattress and lovely bedding. All unused.
Co-sleeping was unintended, but felt natural and made life so much easier, especially for feeding. Son's birth was traumatic and there was no way I was letting him go once he was here. He also cried A LOT, but co-sleeping settled him.
Co-sleeping was our favourite bit of parenting for the first 13mths. At 13mths, he went into his own bed. We bought one in the sale and he was fascinated by it. Ignore the 'he will still be in your bed when he is 27' comments.
I also recommend the book 'Three in a Bed'. Many societies co-sleep as a matter of course. We did in the UK too, until the victorians invented the cot.
Cots now make me feel rather sad inside.
Currently very pregnant with no.2 and will not even contemplate using a cot, but we have bought a Sleepyhead to put in the bed for the early stages to appease my mother. NCT shop has them on offer at the mo. Will see how that works, but a friend currently having great success with one.
Am convinced that one of the reasons our son has always been confident and self-assured is down to co-sleeping.
And a breastfed co-sleeping baby is so portable if going away.
And nothing beats waking up next to that gorgeous little bundle.
You are following Mother Nature, and your instincts, and your little one will thank you for that.
Enjoy!

LadyDowagerHatt · 19/01/2014 07:35

I think I remember reading that safe co-sleeping actually decreases the risk of SIDS - something to do with the baby's breathing being in sync with your own. We also accidentally co/sleep, I love it!

NaturalBaby · 19/01/2014 07:36

YANBU. You've made an informed choice, you are happy, baby is happy.
Your DP isn't even sleeping with you two so why is it such a problem for him?!

Gremlinsateit · 19/01/2014 07:40

Read up on safe co sleeping; planned co sleeping is much safer than accidental co sleeping :)

mynameisnotmichaelcaine · 19/01/2014 07:40

Yanbu. I co-slept with my older two. DS2 sleeps better in his cot than in with me, so sleeps at the end of our bed in his cot. I miss waking up next to a milky bundle of gorgeousness. Enjoy!

gordonpym · 19/01/2014 07:42

Co sleeping is so sweet. And it won't last, so enjoy it. You're more relaxed, less tired, wow why change it.

hazchem · 19/01/2014 07:48

We loved co-sleeping. Do it safely and there isn't any additional risks. I can search out the paper I read that in if you like.

oadcb · 19/01/2014 07:52

can you move stuff to make a side car out of existing cot? Thats what we did til we got a super king

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