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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed that dp arranged for mil to look after dd without consulting me?

53 replies

smuggler · 17/01/2014 21:41

I'm working on Monday and dp is caring for our 19 month old. He had arranged to visit his mum with her, but then he got a doctors appointment for a very minor ailment he has. He arranged for mil to have dd while he goes to the appointment - it's 40 mins from his mum's house so he'll be gone for up to two hours. Firstly I object because mil has never looked after dd and dd isn't that used to her but mainly I'm annoyed because mil currently has a broken ankle so is in plaster and on crutches and her arthritis is bad meaning she has wrist supports and struggles to lift anything - particularly a toddler. Dd is into everything and I don't think it's fair or safe for mil to be asked to look after her.

Final objection obviously being that it's ridiculous to waste so much petrol on getting a babysitter for an appointment when I take dd along to any I have. Aibu to be annoyed he's arranged for mil to have dd on this occasion?

OP posts:
WitchWay · 17/01/2014 21:46

Doesn't sound ideal I agree

Famzilla · 17/01/2014 21:47

Sounds like he just hasn't thought it through. Bit daft, yes.

Tinkertaylor1 · 17/01/2014 21:47

He is bring out of order ! Poor Mil!

Tell him to take her with him, if it's not appropriate to cancel and re book

JeanSeberg · 17/01/2014 21:48

Why can't he take her with him to the GP?

MrsGarlic · 17/01/2014 21:51

I think YANBU to be annoyed in general, given all the practical points you mention. But YABU to be annoyed that he has organised childcare without asking you! - he is her parent too.

SeaSickSal · 17/01/2014 21:58

Agree with Mrs Garlic, the practical reason are fine, but he doesn't have to ask your permission for his daughter to spend a couple of hours with her gran.

And if you would object to her sitting for a couple of hours if she wasn't in plaster then YBVVU

Original poster
smuggler · 17/01/2014 22:04

There's absolutely no reason why he couldn't take her. Dd is only just used to him caring for her alone while I work, I don't think leaving her with someone she barely knows (relative or not) is fair on her. Particularly when that person will struggle to be able to comfort her if upset.

OP posts:
Annunziata · 17/01/2014 22:06

He is her father, he has the right to make that decision.

IneedAsockamnesty · 17/01/2014 22:06

He is being very unfair to his mother.

IneedAsockamnesty · 17/01/2014 22:08

I don't much hold with this "he's her father he gets to choose"nor would I if Mother was in there instead.

When one parent makes a piss poor decision then the other has to step up.

Quangle · 17/01/2014 22:10

this is his issue to sort out isn't it? He has responsibility for his own child on this day so he needs to decide whether to take her with him to the dr (which is what I would probably do) or to ask MIL to step in. I'm sure MIL will say if she can't manage - she has looked after children before.

Don't get involved or it will seem as though you are the only one who can make decisions regarding DD and that's bad for all of you.

Fairylea · 17/01/2014 22:10

I would be very unhappy about this too.

LukeAtMe · 17/01/2014 22:12

Yanbu. Can't you just talk to him and say you don't think it's safe while mil is unlikely to be able to chase after or pick up the toddler? Sometimes when the other parent makes a daft decision you have to speak up.

SomethingkindaOod · 17/01/2014 22:13

I would be livid if DH asked his currently recovering from an operation and poorly with arthritis Mum to look after our toddler, but only for her sake because she would feel like she couldn't say no. How unfair is it to ask an unwell person to deal with a small child? Phone her and double check that she's ok with it, reassure her that if she isn't up to it to just let you know. She'll probably appreciate it.

Finola1step · 17/01/2014 22:17

Is there more to this OP? Your dd is 19 months old and she is only now just getting used to being looked after by her father by himself. I find this odd.

Finola1step · 17/01/2014 22:18

But, forgot to add, your DP shouldn't be putting his mum in this situation with her medical needs.

NaturalBaby · 17/01/2014 22:20

Of course the father has the right to make his own decisions but he's being a bit bloody stupid to think his mother is capable of 2hrs of childcare with a broken ankle and arthritic wrist!

My dc's have been to all my GP appointments, especially at that age. They get a trip out, run through the park on the way there, look at the fish in the waiting room... much more suitable than MIL with pretty major ailments on 3 limbs.

TheFabulousIdiot · 17/01/2014 22:29

If it were me I would expect my husband to discuss it with me first, sounds like he was deliberately misleading you. Are there issues RE your mil and her wanting to look after your child?

Dubjackeen · 17/01/2014 22:34

Seems very unfair to expect someone on crutches and with arthritis to look after a small child.

Original poster
smuggler · 17/01/2014 22:42

Quangle it may be his decision but if it's one that is unsafe for our dd then I'm hardly going to sit back and say nothing. Mil is lovely and would never say no to looking after any grandchildren, despite her being in recovery at the moment. Finola I'm not sure why you think it's odd? Generally we're all together on days off, we don't all separate for one on one time

OP posts:
someonestolemynick · 17/01/2014 23:05

Do you check with your husband, when you organise childcare for days on which you have your dc?

I agree there some practical reasons but your mil seems to think she is capable. If you are genuinely concerned about her; as opposed to feeling bypassed.

I'd suggest raising your concerns with your husband, maybe even suggest that he'll ring her and ask and offer that he will make other arrangements.

feathermucker · 17/01/2014 23:24

If the ONLY objection is that the MIL has broken ankle etc, then YANBU. If you're objecting because he didn't consult you, then YABU - he doesn't need to ask your permission......would you ask his?

You do come across as a little bit PFB and 'i'm the decision-maker', i'm afraid!

FortyDoorsToNowhere · 17/01/2014 23:28

This post could be very offensive.

I am waiting on an operation, I need key hole surgery on my knee and will be off my feet for 6-8 weeks. I have 2 DC and i am already fretting on how i will take care for them.

don't you trust your DP to make choices for his child

FortyDoorsToNowhere · 17/01/2014 23:31

Smuggler what if you broke your ankle, are you saying that you couldn't look after your own child.

what is you plan if if you ever did break a bone.

Mellowandfruitful · 17/01/2014 23:32

While he does have the right to make decisions about childcare, this one has an impact on other people and so I would say it's fair to question it. There are usually toys for kids at my GP's surgery, or he could even take some with him Shock to entertain his DD while he speaks to the doctor.

FortyDoors the OP's post could be very offensive? Don't get why.

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