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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed that dp arranged for mil to look after dd without consulting me?

53 replies

smuggler · 17/01/2014 21:41

I'm working on Monday and dp is caring for our 19 month old. He had arranged to visit his mum with her, but then he got a doctors appointment for a very minor ailment he has. He arranged for mil to have dd while he goes to the appointment - it's 40 mins from his mum's house so he'll be gone for up to two hours. Firstly I object because mil has never looked after dd and dd isn't that used to her but mainly I'm annoyed because mil currently has a broken ankle so is in plaster and on crutches and her arthritis is bad meaning she has wrist supports and struggles to lift anything - particularly a toddler. Dd is into everything and I don't think it's fair or safe for mil to be asked to look after her.

Final objection obviously being that it's ridiculous to waste so much petrol on getting a babysitter for an appointment when I take dd along to any I have. Aibu to be annoyed he's arranged for mil to have dd on this occasion?

OP posts:
Original poster
smuggler · 17/01/2014 23:35

Yes I would and have consulted dp about all childcare arrangements - booked nursery visits on his day off so he could have a say etc. Forty I don't see how its offensive. If mil was at one end of room and dc was at the other pulling the tv or something, mil wouldn't be able to get there fast enough to stop her.

OP posts:
FortyDoorsToNowhere · 17/01/2014 23:36

because there are parents who do have disabilities, MN have a fourm room to support parents.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/disabled_parents

don't you think it offensive that people who are not in perfect heath are not capable of looking after children.

Original poster
smuggler · 17/01/2014 23:39

I had a broken arm and a newborn and coped fine. It's very different with your own child and one you barely know though. Dd suddenly being left by me, then dp withsomeone they hardly know and who can't lift them or stop them hurting themselves etc is a big deal imo.

OP posts:
BillyBanter · 17/01/2014 23:40

Maybe there were other more practical solutions but it's not worth more than pointing out what those might have been, rolling your eyes a bit and trying to move on with your life. I'm sure you've made some less than perfect decisions with child rearing yourself from time to time.

BillyBanter · 17/01/2014 23:41

Lots of people leave their children with people they barely know for a few hours. It's perfectly normal.

FortyDoorsToNowhere · 17/01/2014 23:42

Don't you trust your DP to make decision then.

NoSquirrels · 17/01/2014 23:46

The issue here is not your MIL herself, your partner not being "allowed" to make decisions or anything like that - it's that he's chosen to impose on someone not currently capable of supervising a young toddler adequately for a non-essential reason.

Your MIL will probably be relieved if you ask her to step down on this occasion.

IneedAsockamnesty · 17/01/2014 23:50

Nobody is saying an injured or disabled parent can't parent their child.ofcourse they can (well I do).

NoSquirrels · 17/01/2014 23:51

fortydoors you've said yourself you're fretting about being less capable for a bit and looking after your own children - and this situation is avoidable. Bet the MIL isn't exactly looking forward to it either!

Original poster
smuggler · 17/01/2014 23:54

Forty it's really not worth starting the disability argument. Fact is dd has a perfectly healthy and capable father who could take her to the appointment. Leaving dd with someone who she isn't used to and who is incapacitated isn't fair on her or on mil who'd never forgive herself if something happened

OP posts:
FortyDoorsToNowhere · 17/01/2014 23:55

I know i am fretting, Dh have sorted all the planning out.

The only reason i am fretting is because it's out of my control. DH will do a fantastic job.

the lesson i have learnt that is to trust males more.

BrianTheMole · 17/01/2014 23:55

Well, if mil struggles to say no, and you think she might be unsure whether she can cope, then I would have a word with her. But I can't see why your dh can't just take dd with him, rather than put upon someone who is still in recovery.

FortyDoorsToNowhere · 17/01/2014 23:59

Perhaps the MIL wants to look after her grandchild and she feels she can.

cupoftchai · 18/01/2014 00:02

U r not being unreasonable dh should take her to the app. How do u get him to c your view?

LukeAtMe · 18/01/2014 00:04

Does the MIL wanting to and feeling she can manage outweigh the mother (who knows her toddler better) feeling that it may be a struggle for the toddler and for the mil?

BrianTheMole · 18/01/2014 00:05

Perhaps the MIL wants to look after her grandchild and she feels she can.

Maybe so. A conversation would be in order to ascertain that though.

FortyDoorsToNowhere · 18/01/2014 00:07

perhaps so

dunsborough · 18/01/2014 00:12

Yanbu.

What are you going to do?

curlew · 18/01/2014 00:43

The problem is your thread title. The only possible answer to the question you pose is "yes you are being unreasonable". If you had started a thread called "Is Dp unreasonable to expect his poor mother to look after our lively toddler when she has a broken ankle- she finds it so hard to say no, but I know it will be too much for her" then the answer would have been different.

RockinHippy · 18/01/2014 00:51

There's some very odd replies on this thread Confused I do sometimes wonder on these AIBU threads lately if some posters just enjoy being contrary just for the sheer hell of it, disagree by all means, but surely common sense still prevails & I really can't see why some posters are nit picking a perfectly reasonable worry Confused

Its NOT "normal" to leave a 19month old with people they barely know - it happens, you may do it, but that does not make it normal, nor in the best interest of the DC Shock

Nor is it disabilist to worry that a looking after a toddler MIL doesn't actually know well will be too much for her, as her injuries are not something she is used to dealing with & nor is this particular toddler - that's just common senseConfused

smuggler I do think you should call your MIL & speak with her directly, but from the POV of concern for her & your DP taking the pee out out of his mum not thinking it through properly, as DD is at a bit of a handful at the moment & it must be hard enough for her to cope just looking after herself, let her know it really isn't necessary as you can make other arrangements & if she wants, maybe when she's feeling better she could have DD for a few hours another time - suggest DP visits her with DD after his GP visit, so she can see DD & DP can pull his finger out & help his mum when she needs it rather than be a selfish arse and take the piss see if she needs any help

as others say already, I suspect shes dreading it too & will be relieved but thinks her DS needs her help, so hasn't said no.

BTW I'm another of the disabled parents who will be offended by your post - more like offended by such nonsense replies Hmm

BillyBanter · 18/01/2014 00:57

Its NOT "normal" to leave a 19month old with people they barely know - it happens, you may do it, but that does not make it normal, nor in the best interest of the DC

So you've never heard of childminders or nurseries?

RockinHippy · 18/01/2014 01:05

Of course I have Hmm & in that situation the DCs are carefully settled into an environment that's all about small DCs, which is not what we are talking about here -

it may well be that the MIL is one of those people who is a natural with DCs & DD is a confident toddler who settles easily with strangers, but if that were the case I doubt the OP would be asking for opinions & advice on here - so no, not normal at all

picklesrule · 18/01/2014 01:18

I'm finding some of these replies really strange. Read the OP her mil sounds like she needs someone caring for her not having a busy 19month old to look after (I have one, he is hyper, it is hard bloody work!)
Just because her partner has arranged it doesn't make it the correct desicion and contradicting him is not the same as not allowing him to do something.
And nowhere does op say that you need to be able bodied to care for your children ffs!
Smuggler I think you know what is best for our dd and your mil by sounds of it. Your partner sounds a little selfish or perhaps nervous about taking dd to the docs with him, fair enough but I think you have tell him to deal with it really!!

westl · 18/01/2014 01:20

Both childminders and nurseries offer 'settling in' sessions. Unless it's an emergency, people don't just drop them and run.

BillyBanter · 18/01/2014 01:24

Yes, but they still 'hardly know' them. That takes time. It's a red herring in this discussion that their DC 'hardly knows' the MIL.

FWIW I don't think it was a good decision, but I'm sure some of the OPs decisions have not been good decisions.