To expect STEPSON to go to his mum's every other weekend?

[slowcooker]

This is a rant to get it off my system because I'm fuming right now.

After a long negotiation we persuaded stepson to go to his mum's this weekend but he's not going now because apparently his room there is wet and small and blah blah blah a list long of excuses why he won't go.

When I got together with my DH, 7years ago, he had 50% custody of his 2 kids and they were with him 50% of the time. It was on a rolling rota basis to accommodate the ex's shift pattern. I would look forward to the (approx) 9 weekends a year we had without the kids! The years have gone by, both kids are teenagers now they are more independent, the eldest lives with the EX full time and the stepson with us full time (for the past 9 months). In the meantime we have our almost 3 year old DD. And I'm stuck in a battle to secure sometime for DH and me as a couple!

Things are rather bad between us. If having a child changes the dynamics in a relationship imagine having a child in a blended family!

That together with work pressures (I have been working full time since DD was 11 months) and general stresses are not helping my mental well being. I feel I've hit rock bottom recently. I had some other issues at work and resigned in December.
We've been so busy with an extension and this and that, that we've not even been able to relax and sit and watch telly for months on end until the NEW year. And even now it seems like we're passing ships all the time.

I don't have family around here and DH has a sister who is lovely and helpful but she's only ever babysat for us once in the last 3 years and I don't want to impose on her as she helped a lot with my DH's other 2 kids when they were little.

At the moment whilst my DD is little the only solution to some quality time for us is to be in the house just the 2 of us (in the evenings I mean after little one has gone to bed) as we don't get to see each other as a couple any more. In any case we were never the going out type (just cinema really) but rather we would go on days out, bike excursions etc and stayed in for a nice meal and film.

I don't think this is too much to ask. I think we'll end up separating ourselves if we don't get some quality time together on a regular basis!

I feel resentful towards my stepson and his mum (for not providing him with a decent room) and my DH for not putting boundaries to people.

I want some space with just my DH and myself in our house! 2 evenings every 15 days is it too much to ask? 2 evenings where I don't have to think what is stepson going to eat (fussy eater) and of sitting in peace to maybe watch something like a film without someone barding in.

And even when I can walk around naked if I fell like it for goodness sake..

Not in a good place at all!

That is the point I am making frog the courts listen to the teens view in residency hearings. You said the views of fickle hormonal teenagers should not dictate the workings of 2 households I am merely pointing to the fact that the courts do as a matter of course listen to teens in similar circumstances.

Teenagers can go to court with all sorts of legal matters using a next friend.

merely pointing to the fact that the courts do as a matter of course listen to teens in similar circumstances

I don't agree that the situation described by the OP is anything like a disputed residency case in Court - have you experienced one?

My DH's DD was 12 years old when she experiencing a "wishes and feelings" interview conducted by CAFCASS. She left the room in tears.

A very different circumstance to that described by the OP in which the teen is (apparently) defiantly resistant to seeing his mother and is opposing a previously agreed visit using a list of excuses as justification.

I'm a boot-camp Mum - asuming that I had no reason to suspect abuse, I would expect my DD to give me a reasoned and consistent explaination for not seeing her Dad as previously agreed. Depending on the reason, I may consider a polite request from her to reschedule if convenient, if that was also agreed by her Dad.
Petulant teen behaviour along the lines of "I'm not going and you can't make me!" would be met with a clear explaination of my expectation that she does go, spelling out the consequences should she continue to rebel.

sock Really?

Teens can apply to court to overturn a parenting agreement made by their parents in favour of their own preferences? I had no idea! I've never read a parent on MN saying that they've been taken to court by their teen!

In theory yes,they need to have a next friend and obtain permission from the court to do so, how likely they are to get it,I don't know but it's possible.

I only know of 3 teenagers who have used a next friend to bring matters to court, two were family law one was medical.

Quite needaholiday - when I stopped to think about it there were already too many regrets about what I hadn't done for them/with them/ had time to enjoy the early days with them MY way, - you just can't get those times back can you?

Totally changed the way I did things, for the better for everyone as it turned out.

Oh for goodness sake. This isn't a teenager taking the huff about doing his chores or homework. He's objecting to being turfed out of his home so his stepmother can be rid of him for a bit.

Again, in other circumstances he'd have nowhere else to go. There's only another house because his parents split up, something in which he had no agency. If his mum had died, and there was no other house, where would the OP pack him off to then? She's actually trying to use his parents splitting up as a convenience she wouldn't otherwise have. That's... I don't even know what that is.

Read the OP again. Nothing in there about her stepson's needs, wants or even his best interests. "It'd be good for him to spend a bit of time with his mother?" Not a bit of it. It's all me, me, me.

Where will she pack her teenage DD off to when she becomes burdensome in ten years? Or do only STEPCHILDREN (again, her emphasis) need to GTFO from time to time.

I hope the OP gets her movie night. Hallam Foe is good.

I think kelpie's point above is a good one tbh.

Kelpie may I ask do you class all resident parents who share care EOW with the NRp as "turfing" their children out? I know there've been occasions that my DSS's haven't wanted to go a see their Mum simply because they like being at home more but as adults DH and I have decided its in their best interest (as it is in the best interest of most children, barring abusive situations) to maintain regular contact with their other parent. They were not being "turfed" out by any stretch of the imagination.

Of course not, Brutha, but I do in this case. Two reasons:

1. Making a child see their other parent when they say they don't want to is one thing. But an older teen must have more choice, surely.

1. More importantly, there's no hint in the OP's post that her stepson's best interests is within fifty feet of her thinking.

it doesn't matter what OP will do with her dd if she fancies a break - maybe pack h er off to friends or a grandparent - this thread disgusts me - apparently as a SP - OP isntallowed to want a break only - what the riight term without offending someone real parents, birth parents, actual parents are allowed to want a break

mumsnet is full of people who want a break from their own teens - never mind from someone else's - leave the OP and anyone else who feels like her the fuck alone.

god this place is so sanctimonious at times

and by the way I am paying someone to have my 1 year old for 3 hours - packing him off away from his own home - because I feel like a break - what the hell is the crime in wanting a break - makes me sick to my stomach this crap is still going on here

I would have thought that the huge advantage is that the DSS will soon be old enough to babysit and they can get their free time.(if he isn't old enough to babysit yet)

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahha at teenage step children babysitting voluntarily

Here ,here. Well said fcukkedup . As for OP not mentioning the SSs needs - he is actually getting all his needs fulfilled. He is staying in the home of his choice 24/7 and refusing to go to his other parents house and no-one is doing anything to challenge or change that. He is in short ruling the roost. His dad is getting what he wants - his own child living with him all the time without ever having to wave him off to his mums.
Meanwhile the OP has absolutely no clout in possibly her own house (maybe owns half or even all of it) and most definitely her home too. She can't even get a couple of hours to herself in it. She is the only one in the equation who is not getting her needs fulfilled or even considered ffs.

Pay them.

Forgot to add the mum is also getting away scott free from her responsibilities which from the sound of it she isn't too fussed about. There is certainly nothing in the OP about the mother beating a path to the door to try and see her son.

But there is the other child living full time with her baaahhhumbug that is not the same as being Scot free IMHO.

It is as far as her son is concerned , another woman is dealing with all the teenage stuff , cleaning up after him , cooking for him etc. on top of the lack of any privacy in her own home. What comfort or benefit is it to the OP that the woman has got her own daughter living with her. I am sure OP would rather have both of them some of the time rather than one all the time. Would surely be better for her DH aswell to see both his DCs and he and OP would still get some time to themselves.

I don't know any parents who wouldn't appreciate a bit of child free time occasionally.
Op isn't asking for a child free weekend.
She's expecting a stepson- free weekend
Every other weekend
Op and her dh have put considerable effort into persuading the boy to go to his mother's home this weekend (last weekend) He doesn't want to.
It's not possible for him to be unaware of the resulting seething at his refusal to go.

We don't know much about his DM at all.

Bahhumbug you have no idea if any of that is true. She might see her son every day for all you know. As for another woman looking after her son as far as she is aware her ex is doing all of that. You are projecting here. All we have to go on is in the OP, anything else you have added.

You lot still scrapping over this tiny and fairly mundane little bit of someone elses life? Quite extraordinary this is still going and people are still so riled up over it. Woman pissed off and needs a break, wow look at how much you can make of that.