To expect STEPSON to go to his mum's every other weekend?

[slowcooker]

This is a rant to get it off my system because I'm fuming right now.

After a long negotiation we persuaded stepson to go to his mum's this weekend but he's not going now because apparently his room there is wet and small and blah blah blah a list long of excuses why he won't go.

When I got together with my DH, 7years ago, he had 50% custody of his 2 kids and they were with him 50% of the time. It was on a rolling rota basis to accommodate the ex's shift pattern. I would look forward to the (approx) 9 weekends a year we had without the kids! The years have gone by, both kids are teenagers now they are more independent, the eldest lives with the EX full time and the stepson with us full time (for the past 9 months). In the meantime we have our almost 3 year old DD. And I'm stuck in a battle to secure sometime for DH and me as a couple!

Things are rather bad between us. If having a child changes the dynamics in a relationship imagine having a child in a blended family!

That together with work pressures (I have been working full time since DD was 11 months) and general stresses are not helping my mental well being. I feel I've hit rock bottom recently. I had some other issues at work and resigned in December.
We've been so busy with an extension and this and that, that we've not even been able to relax and sit and watch telly for months on end until the NEW year. And even now it seems like we're passing ships all the time.

I don't have family around here and DH has a sister who is lovely and helpful but she's only ever babysat for us once in the last 3 years and I don't want to impose on her as she helped a lot with my DH's other 2 kids when they were little.

At the moment whilst my DD is little the only solution to some quality time for us is to be in the house just the 2 of us (in the evenings I mean after little one has gone to bed) as we don't get to see each other as a couple any more. In any case we were never the going out type (just cinema really) but rather we would go on days out, bike excursions etc and stayed in for a nice meal and film.

I don't think this is too much to ask. I think we'll end up separating ourselves if we don't get some quality time together on a regular basis!

I feel resentful towards my stepson and his mum (for not providing him with a decent room) and my DH for not putting boundaries to people.

I want some space with just my DH and myself in our house! 2 evenings every 15 days is it too much to ask? 2 evenings where I don't have to think what is stepson going to eat (fussy eater) and of sitting in peace to maybe watch something like a film without someone barding in.

And even when I can walk around naked if I fell like it for goodness sake..

Not in a good place at all!

Nobody can predict how things will change with their child in the future. There are plenty of parents who have been left with sole responsibility for a child because the other parent has buggered off. Unfortunately with step children, you need to accept this can be exactly the same.

Oh for Christ's sakes, people like Kelpie and others are simply saying the child has to come first!

It's not about demonising the stepmum (for a huge majority of posters) but about saying the teen ss must take priority.

The 'facts' are that the boy doesn't want to be at his mums and wants to be at his dads - his HOME.

True enough, Frog, but it's perfectly common and therefore entirely predictable that, as they get older, children with separated parents will develop an independent preference as to where they live.

We're speculating to an extent that relationships between her stepson and his mother had failed. We know he doesn't like his room.

I'm not sure that's relevant in any case. Even if he just preferred his dad's house, or if it's nearer his friends, or whatever his reason, he can choose where to live. And that's the deal she signed up for.

If the OP was just angry at her stepson's mother for not making her place nicer for him, then fair enough I guess. But she's also directly resentful of him for preferring to stay with his dad. I can't see how that's not unreasonable, entitled and horrid.

grennie you're right. There are plenty of single parents who are left holding the baby when the other feckless parent does a bunk.
They post here on MN all the time - ranting about their DCs feckless parent not pulling their weight, how exhausted they are, how it's a struggle, how they feel they are letting their DCs down and how they'd give anything for a break.

Sound familiar? If the OP is expected to accommodate her DSSs feckless parent in the same way as a LP is, then she's entitled to the same sympathy here on MN as LPs who complain about the same thing.

She is entitled to sympathy about the child's parent being bloody useless. I think she is getting a hard time though because she doesn't seem to be concerned about her step son.

Personally if a child didn't want to go to a parent because their room was so awful, I would be concerned about sending them at all.

kelpie Teens DCs may develop an independent preference as to where they live, but it is the decision of the adults responsible for that teen as to whether they are permitted to act on that preference.

My DD lives 50:50 with me and her Dad. I wouldn't expect my DH, or my DDs SM, to put their own lives to one side and accommodate my DD (physically and emotionally) if she decided she wanted to live exclusively with one or other of her parents.

Exactly Frog.

Let's not forget that the OP hasn't thrown out her stepson so that she can have some me time, she hasn't banished him to his Mother's house to stay alone and frightened in a damp room for all eternity.

She was hoping for a little bit of space, for four evenings in a month

she didn't get it

she came here to have a moan.

THE END

A damp room sounds pretty worrying though.

It would be if it were true, I agree. But I got the impression it was just one of a string of excuses for not visiting his Mum so I wouldn't imagine it was as bad as that.

There must be a reason though that he doesn't want to visit his mum so much.

Yes there must be, his sister seems to be living there quite happily so who knows.

And since the OP isn't coming back we can't ask her either.

So what's the solution, Frog? If, for whatever reason, he doesn't want to stay with his mum, do we force him?

And Beverly, she didn't just have a moan. She expressed the clear view that she was entitled to expect her stepson to get lost. She doesn't just wish she had more time with her DP - who doesn't? She actually thinks he should pack his holdall and bolt. From his home. As an actual thing. If she'd just had a grump, I don't think there would have been this reaction.

Beverley - It is far from unusual for one child in a home to be treated well, and another treated badly

kelpie the solution is for the DCs parents to take responsibility for their DS and find out why he is reluctant to spend time with his mother; not assume that the DC knows best and accept his decision without question.

I'm sure that the OP would be a lot more tolerant if, for instance, she knew that her DH was seeking support to resolve the estrangement between DS and mother. An explanation would go a long way to diffuse her frustration.

It's all very well condemning the OP for not caring why her DSS doesn't want to see his Mum, but it's fruitless her worrying about it if his parents aren't bothered - all she can do is disengage and focus her energies on her own DC.

A lot of teenagers who previously divided their time between parents when they were younger become more tired of the situation as they get older that is a fact of life. Even if there are no step parents in the pictures kids often choose one house over the other. In the OP's case that is what the other step child has done and no one is complaining about that. Teenagers want to hang out with their own friends and be close to them and not travel to and fro at weekends. This happens when there are 2 good parents at both ends as well as bad parents.

The notion that the adults are more entitled to the cosy life they dreamt of in their relationship when compared to the children who preceded their relationship is whole heartedly inequitable. Step parenting is tough but it is a path you choose for yourself, the kids do not get a say.

Having said that I certainly cannot understand why parents would marry or have other children with partners who actively resent their other children. I guess ultimately it is their responsibility for allowing that situation to continue.

And if it's nothing to do with the parents per se? If he just happens to prefer his room at his dad's house? He likes being where all his stuff is? Maybe it's nearer his friends?

I have friends whose parents were separated. And by the time they were older they had built lives where their primary home was, but still needed the security of that home. Because they were older teenagers. And they resented having to miss seeing their friends and otherwise disrupt their lives because they were forced to split where they lived. Not because of anything inherently bad with either parent.

So, once he's old enough to choose, why shouldn't he be allowed to choose to stay with his dad? Unless there's actually a problem - and absent a post from the OP it's pure speculation to say there is - it'd be nice of him to go and see his mum sometimes, to be sure.

And what if there is a problem? What if it's impossible or difficult to solve? If anything, it makes the fact she resents her stepson being around even worse!

Anyway, the OP doesn't say there's any reason he shouldn't go and see his mum. In fact, she's keen for him to go. The OP doesn't think her stepson should visit his mum, so much as she wants him out the house, every two weeks, regular as clockwork. Before the movie starts, if possible.

Whether there's a problem or not, she resents her stepson for not going away. She focuses her resentment on him, for nothing other than being in his home. That's the rub.

That's a good point needaholidaynow

I was having a difficult time a few years ago with my step children who were at the time going through a difficult stage (as most children will) to the point that every weekend was a bit of a slog to get through, and my younger children ended up being affected. A very wise MNer on the SP board pointed out to me I was making the weekends all about the step children, how about making it about doing stuff with the younger ones.

I virtually slapped my own forehead when it dawned on me that I was neglecting them while trying so hard with their older half-siblings.

once he's old enough to choose, why shouldn't he be allowed to choose to stay with his dad?

I'm a lot less liberal, and therefore ask "just because he does has a preference, why should he be allowed to choose where he lives?"

The workings of two households should not, imo, be dictated by the preferences of a hormonal, fickle teenager!

Hormonal, fickle teenager - that is a pretty dismissive comment.

I know if my parents had separated I would have hated to stay over at my dads. There is a clear personality clash between us.

Fair enough, Frog, if that's how you feel.

But remember, it wasn't the hormonal, fickle teenager's choice for there to be two households at all. The choices of the adults in his life, made the two households necessary.

He's not an inconvenience to be shunted around.

frog the courts would take the view of the teenager that is why.

numberone A teen only has a voice in court if their parents are in dispute. A teen cannot take case to family court themselves to insist that the parent of their choice houses them.
The law assumes that parents know what is best for their DC's, and are responsible for making those decisions.

another: The court would 'take into account' the teenager's preference if the parents were at odds with each other about the issue. If both (suitable) parents are vying for residency, for instance, the court will listen to the teenager feelings about where they would rather live. That is different from the courts enforcing the want of a teenager to live with a parent who for whatever reason disagrees with them staying there.

Really hoping this gets reposted to Step Parenting.