To expect STEPSON to go to his mum's every other weekend?

[slowcooker]

This is a rant to get it off my system because I'm fuming right now.

After a long negotiation we persuaded stepson to go to his mum's this weekend but he's not going now because apparently his room there is wet and small and blah blah blah a list long of excuses why he won't go.

When I got together with my DH, 7years ago, he had 50% custody of his 2 kids and they were with him 50% of the time. It was on a rolling rota basis to accommodate the ex's shift pattern. I would look forward to the (approx) 9 weekends a year we had without the kids! The years have gone by, both kids are teenagers now they are more independent, the eldest lives with the EX full time and the stepson with us full time (for the past 9 months). In the meantime we have our almost 3 year old DD. And I'm stuck in a battle to secure sometime for DH and me as a couple!

Things are rather bad between us. If having a child changes the dynamics in a relationship imagine having a child in a blended family!

That together with work pressures (I have been working full time since DD was 11 months) and general stresses are not helping my mental well being. I feel I've hit rock bottom recently. I had some other issues at work and resigned in December.
We've been so busy with an extension and this and that, that we've not even been able to relax and sit and watch telly for months on end until the NEW year. And even now it seems like we're passing ships all the time.

I don't have family around here and DH has a sister who is lovely and helpful but she's only ever babysat for us once in the last 3 years and I don't want to impose on her as she helped a lot with my DH's other 2 kids when they were little.

At the moment whilst my DD is little the only solution to some quality time for us is to be in the house just the 2 of us (in the evenings I mean after little one has gone to bed) as we don't get to see each other as a couple any more. In any case we were never the going out type (just cinema really) but rather we would go on days out, bike excursions etc and stayed in for a nice meal and film.

I don't think this is too much to ask. I think we'll end up separating ourselves if we don't get some quality time together on a regular basis!

I feel resentful towards my stepson and his mum (for not providing him with a decent room) and my DH for not putting boundaries to people.

I want some space with just my DH and myself in our house! 2 evenings every 15 days is it too much to ask? 2 evenings where I don't have to think what is stepson going to eat (fussy eater) and of sitting in peace to maybe watch something like a film without someone barding in.

And even when I can walk around naked if I fell like it for goodness sake..

Not in a good place at all!

The trouble with this thread is it's been so frustrating to have no feedback.
So it's hard to get a sense of waht's ally going on and therefore to say IMHO whether the op is being unreasonable or not.
Is she lucky to have been able to give up work and enjoy the additional space of an extension? Or struggling with depression and unable to work?
It's understandable isn't it to want some teen-free time? But is that at the expense of a boy feeling comfortable in his own home? No.
Is the mother struggling in a crappy, damp home while the "new wife" has all the financial comfort and luxury?
It's the DSD that lives with her mother isn't it?
We don't know how old the boy is or what the condition of the room is in that he has to stay in. My own DD's room was damp until we had some expensive work done on it? Does that mean i am a shit mother?
It's really not fair to say that because he doesn't have a large, luxurious bedroom when he visits then he's not being made welcome at his mother's. Plenty of people would be made to feel as and warm and welcome even if they were sleeping on a sofa bed in someone else's room.
We don't know what the DH thinks.
A reply from the op would have cleared up so many questions and helped to form a better idea of the whole situation. Tbh, if I didn't remember previous posts of hers I would have assumed a troll post.
I know some of the relies we quite spiteful, but I'm still surprised that the op hasn't been back.

Divorce is traumatic (sometimes). There will be many posters on this thread who have been through divorce, who will then when they move on, have worries and anxieties about how their DCs are affected. Huge guilt over the break up, arrangements after, stress and anger about what the DCs have witnessed and possibly angry/jealous/suspicious/sad when a new stepmum or stepdad comes into their lives.

Hence the emotional posts. But it's always the same on MN, the posts often say more about the poster than advises the OP so you should pick out the helpful comments and ignore the rest.

I'm sorry about your little boy thingsthatgobump

Thanks Eleanor and Amanda
Tbh although it's not what I expected to happen given the circumstances of their upbringing I'm not surprised it happened iykwim - it didn't make it any less devastating, but I also worried what it would mean for SS, well until I moved to anger stage if the process where I'd quite cheerfully slap him silly at the moment. I can't help feeling that way but that's all it is, a feeling. He's 12 almost 13, and I know if I came face to face with him I'd just want to ask what the fuck he was playing at. Fortunately the abuse had not gotten far out of grooming stage when I had the good/bad touch talk with ds which was when he too me what had been happening.
(SS mother has responded most naturally insofar as 'it's not my son, I'll clear his name of this bullshit' and sent messages on fb which left me in no doubt as to who coached the sdc when they were sending messages before - so they are still being emotionally abused and used as pawns in the parents game)

I just don't care any more as long as little ds feels safe. It's destroyed almost the entire relationship between me and his father we are barely on speaking terms meaning dd and ds will probably become someone's sc very soon.

I'll throw this out there too - I always thought if sc's mum had paid more attention to her dc's lives and made sure they were treated properly by their other parent, which I would keep tabs on if it was me, maybe things would have been better for them, feeling cared about.
So back to the op. Damp room or not, her SS mother is basically neglecting other needs of his, and if the op was boing vile to her SS openly, am positive that his BM would step in because I know I would, I'd also love to point out to the op if she is reading, that sometimes teens make plans we don't know about, he may have done this, then made every excuse in the book to stay the weekend rather than go to his mums. It may well be that he's swinging bullshit as kids do sometimes, his room at mums could be wonderful, you only have his word for it.

Speak to then keep up communication with his BM so wool can not be pulled over your eyes

Jesus Things that is awful. Having been in a similar situation to your son I sympathise completely. I cannot see that you could have done any more. The parents on the other hand sound awful.

My heart goes out to your son things and you sound like a lovely sm.

Just about abusive messages in general: I like them being left up. I understand why people would disagree, but I never report anyone, because I think that people should be able to understand posters points in relation to each other. I can't help but think that deleting them protects the abuser. Sequins, for instance, has carried on posting. Some of her posts seem reasonable read in isolation, but you would have to read them all in the context of each other to get a true grasp of her position. You can't do this effectively if posts get deleted. Same with goaders/trolls. Some of their posts can be quite subtle, and easy to miss if you don't have their more overtly abusive posts to get a better picture.

I've only ever had one post deleted, it was ignorant and cruel and abusive and it did feel like mn had done me a favour when they deleted it, people couldn't see what a twat I'd been. I didn't deserve it.

And, I'm so sorry for your little boy Things. You did a wonderful job catching it so soon. I hope you are all okay x

random my post said the following.

"Yes do post over on the SM forum so that the foot stamping princesses over there can agree that YANBU".

Or roughly that anyway, can't really remember. As you say my other posts seem to make a reasonable point so thought I would let you have that so that you make a full assessment of them. I have not been "protected" at all, I wish it had been left to stand as I still think that some of the attitudes on the step parenting forum are hideous. I have been supported in this by other posters including a SM who won't post there herself for this reason.

I do not consider myself to have been "abusive" in any way on this thread. When asked to quote my "vicious" posts, others seem to have been unable to. I believe that was the only post deleted but tbh I can't be bothered to trawl through the thread to find out.

I have robustly disagreed and tried to offer an alternative opinion in that ALL families have challenges that they have to face and that I don't feel it is harder or MORE challenging for step parents than other kinds of parents, only that the problems they have are specific to their situation.

I think the fact that a few posters see themselves as having been viciously attacked by me on this thread is very telling and smacks of being of the personality type that likes to play the victim, perhaps this attitude contributes to the struggles they find themselves in in their family life? Perhaps a more positive approach would be helpful?

I am hiding this thread now as to me it is no longer a worthwhile discussion, just a thread similar to those regularly to be found on the step parenting forum and as I said earlier I don't wish to read that kind of thing so don't go there.

Things I am so sorry about your son. Poor little boy .

I find it extremely frustrating that opponents of the OP have (by some) all been tarred with the 'bullying' or 'attacking' brush - either by lazy posterss saying 'all posters above should be ashamed' type thing or by simply not being able to distinguish between personal, unfair attacks and very forthright but absolutely legitimate opinion.

And I'd like to point out that some supporters of the OP have said absolutely, shockingly awful things.

I guess I need to hide this thread.

Sparkly - your 'princess' post was inflammatory and ill advised. Your posts since have been measured - hard hitting but measured - and I totally agree with what you have said on here about the OP.

Yes sorry Things, I meant to say so sorry for your son and hope you are ok.

I'm another poster whose child was abused by my stepson - his mother and sisters colluded and lied to police and social services to protect him.

My SC is begging for contact with my children - which will happen over my dead body.

ironically I was vilified all over mumsnet for years - except on SP - because posters refused to believe how bad his behaviour or his mother's was. I blame his emotionally abusive, vindictive mother for everything he did - is she treated her children with love and rest they would know how to give it to others.

It was the "foot stamping" princesses of the SP board who did ans do still hold my hand. Sometimes you know life ad a Step Parent is just shit and hard work and not because posters are wicked and evil.

and things I am so sorry this happened to you too xx

Dear God, I'm sorry for your experience fcukked up.

Again though, surely no-one...no-one with any sense or any heart... is stupid enough to file all step parents under some 'wicked and evil' category.

Why can't people post about this individual OP (and other individuals who I won't give any 'air space' by mentioning by name) who many of us find offensive? Why does it have to descend into 'step mothers are always villified'? It's so weird to me.

And life as a parent is shit and hard work too - I'm sure you know that.

probably because we have been in the ops shoes.

I used to post things like the op and get slated.

No one knows until you've been the OP what it's like and if the OP was posting she was struggling with trying to get time with her younger child because of her own teen she would get support.

It is bloody hard work having a teen 24/7 who isn't yours around all the time - I actually used to send my ss to my sister because he hated gia mother so much he would come home and trash my house in frustration after a visit to her - which is ironic as he lives there now.

I saw no sympathy from many for the OP who is clearly struggling. This boy has a dad and a mum - all OP wants is a chance, occasionally to be a family with her own child while the boy spends a day with his mum.

I try to spend 1 2 1 time with all of mine - this isn't any different. and I am guessing her can't be trusted to or won't baby sit

SCs with fu ked up lives with dysfunctional relationships with their mother's are bloody hard work and all too often their younger half siblings suffer because of it.

fcukkedup I'm sure I remember you and your world unravelling before our eyes on here - it was heartbreaking, I truly hope things have got better for you and your family since then

I had a baby, moved, gave up work (can't cope with children being left with anyone else) so now we are broke and I'm sllowly rebuilding my life - I'm still madly in love with dh - my heart still gets broken on a fairly regular basis by different things and it bleeds for my sd who lives with her brother and misses us all so much but cannot be a part of our lives while she is a part of his but mostly life is good - just so different to how it was and with parts permenantly missing.

Thank you for asking xx.

The point I was trying to make is that children rejected by their mothers are damaged and really hard work and just because the OP is a SP that doesn't mean she automatically has to accept the status quo or be stopped from reaching out for support.

There are too Many posters on MN who thing "how dare she talk about a child like that" because they imagine it's their child - but chances are they have no idea of thebisies the OP faces.

Also there is a huge difference in a six foot eighteen to early twenties permanently around because his mother cant be arsed with even encouraging him to spend time with her and gets away with all the teenage years crap at your expense....and resenting a little boy who through no fault of his own cant or doesn't want to spend some time at his mums. I get the impression the OPs SS is nearer to the former. I think she has said they are both teenagers at least. My SS whom I had an awful six years with 24/7 whilst mum swanned off to live in an apartment with her boyfriend was more or less an adult when I met him (17) and I always remember getting similar reaction to Ffuckedup and others if I dared ever mention on here that I wish he would just piss off go overnight to a mates or go and stay with his mother for weekend every blue moon. Again the only place l got support for thinking such 'evil' thoughts was on the SP board.
What used to get me was that as a fairly streetwise teen and then young man he was very genned (sp) up on the gooseberry aspect when it came to his mates and would never dream of asking to visit one of his mates if he was staying in with his girlfriend or tag along to the pictures or whatever. So he definitely 'got' that a couple need space but determinedly and deliberately in my firm opinion would deny us this at every opportunity. Even once sitting between us on the settee one Valentines night when DH and l were cuddled up watching a romantic film and I went to the loo and there he was sat :/ . He had said he was going out that night but said had 'changed his mind' when his dad enquired when he was going out followed by a lovely smirk in my direction. This was just one of many many deliberate sabotage attempts on his dads and my relationship. Damn right I resented his very presence by the end.
Yes sometimes , shock , horror it is not the SMs fault , it can be down to selfishness and inconsideration by the child's mum and/ or ( more shock horror ) the 'child' themselves in the case of an older teen/young adult as in my case.

I feel sorry for your stepson, OP. It's his home just as much as yours.

If anything, he was there first and I can't imagine he gets to tell you to bolt for a couple of days if he fancies some downtime to walk around naked, or whatever.

Fcuk I am so sorry I know how that feels totally. I can't trust anyone with mine either. My dd was removed for that reason (my mn name then was thingsthatmakeyougohmmm so pretty easy to find my SS thread SS being social services not stepson) IMO a lot of times it would actually be better if sc's coil be taken by an outgoing sm when she leaves the relationship, because I've seen so many stories of abusive birth parents - indeed I may class as EA because I used to hover constantly over my children, bc of what happened, I relaxed with the sc's which was a mistake.
Funnily enough I didn't suspect SA, I thought any abuse or worrying behaviour towards ds was physical or emotional, and my talk with him was an age appropriate way of trying to tell him it wasn't good behaviour, as I didn't want him learning that from them, but couldn't shield him from it by refusing to have them over.
They were good kids. Bein rejected by their mum seemed to cause more problems as they approached their teens, same really for those with absent dads, they had zero boundaries from caregivers because they were seen to be damaged, their behaviour for their auntie was terrible (she was their primary caregiver) although she was and is the kindest hearted person I've ever met, lack of boundaries caused her hell. I guess she also felt unable to put rules and boundaries in place due to not being legally their guardian, so she was basically in the shoes of a sm. a lot of emotional time and effort went into them.
When they left it was very abrupt and nearly broke her.
She refuses to become involved with my dc because if that indeed she has only seen ds four times and dd once ..
I do think their mother has a lot to answer for but no more than a male absent parent. She does however make me cross to this day because she noted during a contact (rare) that SS was possibly ADHD .. She told me this meant her benefits wouldn't e capped
They truly are seen as cash cows. They've had no new clothes other than what I brought, so with all of this to have to smile and chat with her all but crucified me, I did it for them more than anything.
My biggest mistake was sharing information with her about SS and ds because it meant she was prepared and coached all the children, took photos of SS with his siblings, cuddling them ect, then posted them on fb where you can clearly see his face is strained, as in, 'I don't want to do this' and made sure he flatly denied abusing my son, but on the other hand I did the right thing because if I hadn't told her, I wouldn't have been able to live with myself if he'd abused one of her younger children too.
I've no doubt the police will choose not to proceed so ready to tell ds that I believe him and so did they ect, those words are going to be hard to find I hope this doesn't bite her on the ass in the worst way, if he believes he's invincible what's to stop him abusing his siblings but being more clued up about ensuring their silence?

The above is also why I don't advocate teens babysitting siblings ect. My stepbrother abused my own dd. so I know more than most about opportunity and inter familial abuse. I never thought it would happen twice but believe me I am not going to get into that situation again if at all humanly possible.

Ooh yes bah humbug the all knowing smirk .. Sc's had tht down pat and dd tries to do it when I've stood up for her against p in te past the manipulative little shits lol

Step or not kids do know what they're up to sometimes

I might point out here that I call dd a little shit below but she is over 18

If anything, he was there first

kelpie that is just fantasy speculation on your part, isn't it? How can you possibly know the OP's housing arrangements? Whether her DH and his DC's moved into her home, whether they bought a new house together or whether she moved into his family home?

But, don't let lack of facts stop you painting the OP out to be the only unreasonable one of the family. After all - she's had negative thoughts about her DSS, whereas all her DSS parents have done is permit the relationship bwetween mother and son to break down. The OP is clearly the problem, and all would be fine if she wasn't in her DSS life.

Well, Frog, he was in the family home first, wherever that was. Bricks and mortar not the point. She married a package.

And where did I say she was the only unreasonable one?

I do think she's unreasonable and stand by that. Entitled, too. Her right to quiet movie time is more important than her STEPSON's (her caps, for emphasis) to live with the parent he wants to? Wow.

Z

kelpie He wasn't though, was he? He was having regular contact with his mum when the OP "accepted" the package.

And yes, the OP knew what she was getting into in as much as she knew her DH had DCs, but are you honestly suggesting that the OP could have predicted that her DSS parents would stand by and allow his relationship with his mother to fail? Should step mums really be expected to predict that as part of the package?

It's one thing to accept a grieving DC in your home 24/7 if their Mum has died, another entirely to sacrifice your own parent/child relationship because your DSC parents don't place any value on their own.