To expect STEPSON to go to his mum's every other weekend?

[slowcooker]

This is a rant to get it off my system because I'm fuming right now.

After a long negotiation we persuaded stepson to go to his mum's this weekend but he's not going now because apparently his room there is wet and small and blah blah blah a list long of excuses why he won't go.

When I got together with my DH, 7years ago, he had 50% custody of his 2 kids and they were with him 50% of the time. It was on a rolling rota basis to accommodate the ex's shift pattern. I would look forward to the (approx) 9 weekends a year we had without the kids! The years have gone by, both kids are teenagers now they are more independent, the eldest lives with the EX full time and the stepson with us full time (for the past 9 months). In the meantime we have our almost 3 year old DD. And I'm stuck in a battle to secure sometime for DH and me as a couple!

Things are rather bad between us. If having a child changes the dynamics in a relationship imagine having a child in a blended family!

That together with work pressures (I have been working full time since DD was 11 months) and general stresses are not helping my mental well being. I feel I've hit rock bottom recently. I had some other issues at work and resigned in December.
We've been so busy with an extension and this and that, that we've not even been able to relax and sit and watch telly for months on end until the NEW year. And even now it seems like we're passing ships all the time.

I don't have family around here and DH has a sister who is lovely and helpful but she's only ever babysat for us once in the last 3 years and I don't want to impose on her as she helped a lot with my DH's other 2 kids when they were little.

At the moment whilst my DD is little the only solution to some quality time for us is to be in the house just the 2 of us (in the evenings I mean after little one has gone to bed) as we don't get to see each other as a couple any more. In any case we were never the going out type (just cinema really) but rather we would go on days out, bike excursions etc and stayed in for a nice meal and film.

I don't think this is too much to ask. I think we'll end up separating ourselves if we don't get some quality time together on a regular basis!

I feel resentful towards my stepson and his mum (for not providing him with a decent room) and my DH for not putting boundaries to people.

I want some space with just my DH and myself in our house! 2 evenings every 15 days is it too much to ask? 2 evenings where I don't have to think what is stepson going to eat (fussy eater) and of sitting in peace to maybe watch something like a film without someone barding in.

And even when I can walk around naked if I fell like it for goodness sake..

Not in a good place at all!

I just didn't read it as her not coping tbh. The overwhelming impression I got was of anger and resentment towards the stepson and his mother. I felt she was channelling all her issues into this as in if dss would just f*ck off things would be fine. She didn't post asking for support on the other stuff she's dealing with, it was a litany of look how tough things are and the tipping point is HIM hanging around!

No I actually think I have it far tougher than you, I was trying to explain that we all have our challenges to deal with within our families whatever they may be and to us as individuals they're no different. I am sorry if I didn't explain it very well.

frogstar I think you're projecting your own issues onto this thread. Not ALL blended families can possibly the war zone with the step parent side lined and expected to eat humble pie because the ex rules the situation. I am sorry if that is your situation because it sounds crap.

I dunno - it's all went a bit mad here. What I get from the OP is an overwhelming sense of someone trying to cling on. I know my DH and I never get any time alone really - we have a blended family, a house full of DC, uninvolved ex's, full time jobs and a child with SNs - but I've never once felt we were on the verge of splitting up because of having no couple time. I find that sad - if anything it makes us more of a team, we are very much in it together (although with te odd arguments! we're not perfect ) and I don't get that impression from the OP. But like I say I dunno, there are many valid points on this thread.

thatisall If you consider the stepDC/SMum relationship in the same way as a DIL/MIL relationship - would that make it easier to read the stepparenting board?

I think you're projecting your own issues onto this thread.

As are you!

No Frogstar because they're CHILDREN. How can it possibly be the same or similar?

needa - people read what they are conditioned to see; not what is actually written.

With my issues being.........?

Ah now I made that mistake once. Put one in with ds and the other on the sofa. Didn't hear the end of it for weeks and it was thrown in my face again recently when ds disclosed he had been the victim of sexual abuse. So she wanted me to have them knowing full well the sleeping arrangements weren't ideal. Have gone to pick SS up at one in the morning when he's been having an eppy, and she's called to say she can't cope, calmed him down which took hours, dealt with all the things he broke while mid eppy, picked him up when he's text an hour before he actually wants picking up causing cancelled plans on our side (things he wouldn't enjoy or be able to take part in due to age) took him back to hers where all the other kids happily told him they'd been on a day trip to an amusement park, which made him flip out again, she stood there saying this is why she didn't want to take him because he'd spoil it for everyone else, smashes his possessions with a hammer or sells them, so many a time I've gone out of my way to get him an make him feel welcome, I don't expect anything for it no round of applause ect, just not a status on her fb saying 'got rid of the brat this weekend'
So the op coming here to rant wasn't anything I'd have even allowed to register on my bovvered-o-scope because IMO her SS probably wasn't even aware she was pissed off.
She got hardly any helpful suggestions or support. Everyone conceded her op was probably badly worded, almost definitely bashed out on a keyboard in absolute frustration, and only some offered the usual wise words of advice mn is known for, the rest piled in the rain crap on her.
My personal pov is why the fuck the nrp mother doesn't provide for his basic needs so he will want to go and visit, or that maybe the op an her DH could go round an help prepare the room to make it more welcoming depending on the relationship between the parents.
I used to go and collect SS not for anyone's benefit other than helping to preserve the relationship between him and his mother, because the happier she was, I concluded, the happier he would be, and that was my only concern.
Personally I'd like to go there and give her a piece of my mind quite regularly but what example would it set to the sc's or their siblings if me and his dm were going at it hammer and tongs?
Sm's are often more caring than actual mums. We put up with shit we don't actually need to, and often get treated badly in differing ways by all parties, for different reasons. If we're lucky we get into relationships where the previous marriage breakup was well managed, no Disney parenting, no adversarial exp. if we're not lucky, we come to mn to either post in our own little corner, or in AIBU for a nice toasty reception

What's an "eppy"?

I'm clearly never going to agree with the posts that I referenced. Disengage and detach, when talking about a child in whose childhood you will be taking part sounds cruel to me, whether you consider it neglectful or not. I was damaged by such treatment as I'm sure have other sc been. I'm just not going to agree or understand. I don't want to understand a situation where it would be acceptable to mock a child's affection towards a parent or actively disengage from them. I just don't. I found all of those posts upsetting. They shocked me which is why I raised them. I think they're unkind. I feel for the children. If I were the parent having to send my child off to that environment every weekend, I'd be at a loss as to what I should do.

I really don't know what else to say.

I'm not rubbishing the discussion but I really do have to sleep and I am dragging up unhappy feelings by justifying my dislike of these comments. If I don't respond it isn't because I'm ignoring etc. up at 5 for work tonorrow.

sparkly interesting point. Stepmums should place the same level of protection as on their own DC's. There is no difference between "children" in a household, regardless of parentage - am I right?

What recourse do stepmums have if their DSC's are exposed to excessive risk, though? (before you answer that, you might want to have a read of some of the Lparent threads).

You've brought me to my senses thatisall I have an essay to be handed in first thing Tuesday morning, done the reading thankfully but not even a word of the 2000 written .

I'm off too.

Slang/derogatory term for epileptic seizure

eppy generally = epileptic fit. Surely not being used here, is it?

seizure not fit

Eppy = episode. I think.

Nope Bruthas I tried to use your lens and re read the OP and I just can't see what you see. I cannot get my phone too quote but what I see is too much resenting of her step children. Too much counting down the days when they are not around. Calling the house 'our' house. The OP is stressed, that is never pleasant and yes she is looking for support but imagine how the step son feels in that environment. We do not have to support people who are doing the wrong thing, in fact supporting that behaviour is destructive. I think the OP could make changes to her own expectations and behaviour that would be far more useful to the situation than simple online platitudes.

Eppy - episode
Angry tantrum

If I meant epileptic seizure that's what I would have said.
There are different parts of this country where words mean different things y'know

Thanks Brian
I could hear the pearls being clutched in unison then I swear