To expect STEPSON to go to his mum's every other weekend?

[slowcooker]

This is a rant to get it off my system because I'm fuming right now.

After a long negotiation we persuaded stepson to go to his mum's this weekend but he's not going now because apparently his room there is wet and small and blah blah blah a list long of excuses why he won't go.

When I got together with my DH, 7years ago, he had 50% custody of his 2 kids and they were with him 50% of the time. It was on a rolling rota basis to accommodate the ex's shift pattern. I would look forward to the (approx) 9 weekends a year we had without the kids! The years have gone by, both kids are teenagers now they are more independent, the eldest lives with the EX full time and the stepson with us full time (for the past 9 months). In the meantime we have our almost 3 year old DD. And I'm stuck in a battle to secure sometime for DH and me as a couple!

Things are rather bad between us. If having a child changes the dynamics in a relationship imagine having a child in a blended family!

That together with work pressures (I have been working full time since DD was 11 months) and general stresses are not helping my mental well being. I feel I've hit rock bottom recently. I had some other issues at work and resigned in December.
We've been so busy with an extension and this and that, that we've not even been able to relax and sit and watch telly for months on end until the NEW year. And even now it seems like we're passing ships all the time.

I don't have family around here and DH has a sister who is lovely and helpful but she's only ever babysat for us once in the last 3 years and I don't want to impose on her as she helped a lot with my DH's other 2 kids when they were little.

At the moment whilst my DD is little the only solution to some quality time for us is to be in the house just the 2 of us (in the evenings I mean after little one has gone to bed) as we don't get to see each other as a couple any more. In any case we were never the going out type (just cinema really) but rather we would go on days out, bike excursions etc and stayed in for a nice meal and film.

I don't think this is too much to ask. I think we'll end up separating ourselves if we don't get some quality time together on a regular basis!

I feel resentful towards my stepson and his mum (for not providing him with a decent room) and my DH for not putting boundaries to people.

I want some space with just my DH and myself in our house! 2 evenings every 15 days is it too much to ask? 2 evenings where I don't have to think what is stepson going to eat (fussy eater) and of sitting in peace to maybe watch something like a film without someone barding in.

And even when I can walk around naked if I fell like it for goodness sake..

Not in a good place at all!

try to convince us how tough it is for THEM the grown adults in these situations

I don't need to try and convince you - the research is publically available. Just because it makes you uncomfortable to think that your reactions towards this poster may be driven by social conditioning, rather than moral outrage, doesn't make the fact that the social conditioning exists any less true.

As it happens, I disagree with the OP - because I would give my right arm to have my DH's DC's under my feet even occasionally; but by the time I posted on this thread, there was a far wider agenda being debated.

This thread is bewildering, the original post was outrageous. The 'unwelcoming' feeling the OP oozes towards her step son is palpable. At the end of the day that teen is part of a blended family and has the right to life in a home of one of his parents of his choosing. The OP freely entered into a relationship where that was a precondition. I would feel sympathy if the OP said I am finding being a step parent difficult or looked for solutions about what she could change in herself about the situation but she did not. She wants him to make the changes, the person who was already discommoded by the breakdown of his parents relationship, the person who has to accept new adults being brought into their family and has no say in the matter. All I can think is if I split with my husband or if I died would my children be at the end of this and frankly that is enough for me to reject any defence of the original post. I can imagine being a step parent in hard but I know quite a few step children and to be honest I think that role is harder.

It was a thread about a thread
Which went south when someone said you were being PO
+ popcorn ready

did the OP ever say how old her teenage SS was?

Nope she got skeered orf by the bullies before she could expand on her op

There's a hell of a lot of research out there on the impact that having a SN child has on a family and how parents of children with ASD are perceived (very negatively in case you didn't know). I have two.

Those are the challenges within my family. Neither more or less than blended family challenges. You don't get to treat a child like he's unwanted and a burden because being a SM is tough. Just like i don't get to treat my dc like that because being their parent is tough. We've all got it tough. You're NOT special.

Bullying? Again? New most overused word on MN!

anothernumberone good post.

Thought it was quite an interesting thread with lots of posters with views on both sides. I think most agreed that it wasn't a pleasant word. Sorry were you hoping to 'hit a nerve'? That's what you said wasn't it? Sorry I don't get flustered by people like you. Disagree with me all you like, but specifically try to 'hit a nerve' and then sit back with the popcorn? Weird? I'm sad for you that you feel you have to do that.

End of the day if the op was the mother whinging about the nrp father there wouldn't have been any of this - there would have been a flood of sympathy and poor yous, practical suggestions, talk of what a twunt he is - what a cockbadger ect - the vitriol on here is largely because its a sm that posted. No one would have told a RM that she was forcing her ds from his home and all the other vile comments that have been said. No one would have gone to lone parents board to bump posts.
That's why so many people are pissed off. The lack of empathy here is a joke. But it's scared off someone who could have done with support.
Sad.

"No one would have told a RM that she was forcing her ds from his home"

Yes I would.

ThatIsAll
Chill your beans I'm not interested in you in the slightest. I'm sad for you of you're labouring under that misapprehension.
That is all

Gaslighting.

thingsthat. of course dear

I disagree thingsthatgobumpinthenight .I would entirely think that about a birth mother whining about what a burden her child was , making him feel unwelcome at home and keeping a tally of how many weekends she had managed to get shut of him

Here's one for you then sequins. Not proud of this but I have sent ds to his gp's in the past when he wasn't feeling very well, because sc's were due to come and I had nowhere else for them to sleep. I wanted to keep him at home where I could look after him but screeching harpy exp of p wouldn't accept that, and insisted that we have them.
What would you have done in the same situation?

Ooh coco you used the words birth mother. Be ready for them to turn on you now

I'd have kept my child at home if he was ill.

I would have somehow managed to find somewhere for them to sleep.

Everyone's been using birth and bio mother on this thread. I've used it myself, it's easier to differentiate.

This is an example of some of the posts in the same theme that were made yesterday - others have been deleted (I counted 5 deletions on this thread but there may be more). Hardly a comment about the OP, rather a commentry about the "collective" that are the Wicked Stepmums:

Thatisall Sat 18-Jan-14 11:33:11
I just read a few threads on the step parents section and I'm shock the open dislike and mocking of innocent children has really upset me.
"Leave dh and his 'dc' clinging together on the sofa', adding a mini fridge to my 'skid survival kit', 'the rear thing about being a step parent is you can completely disengage and shut them out and it isn't classed as neglect'.

Leaving to one side the eternal debate about the correct terminology (other discussion boards encourage the use of terms that are considered disgusting and derogratory here, and as far as I know, MN is not the definitive internet guide to acronyms), is it any wonder that Smums are reluctant to post on MN?

If I trawled the SN board for comments that upset me and then quoted then on an unrelated AIBU thread, I'd probably be booted off MN.
Moderation is influenced by social conditioning.

Oh it was me you meant. Ok. As I described (i think) it was insulting to have multiple posters suggest that the OP be better off on the step parents board, less cruel. So I took a look and these are quotes from the first three threads. Shocking vitriol towards children. I stand by that. Is that bullying? I'd say that was contradicting what has been said about the step parent board being a kind place. I don't think these comments about children are kind.

Do you see the issues on the SN boards as being equal as those to be found on the step parenting board then frogstar? because that example keeps being used.

Do you see the issues on the SN boards as being equal as those to be found on the step parenting board then frogstar? because that example keeps being used.

Sparkly, I think you answered your own question a few minutes ago:

Sparklysilversequins Sun 19-Jan-14 21:29:38
There's a hell of a lot of research out there on the impact that having a SN child has on a family and how parents of children with ASD are perceived (very negatively in case you didn't know). I have two.

Those are the challenges within my family. Neither more or less than blended family challenges. You don't get to treat a child like he's unwanted and a burden because being a SM is tough. Just like i don't get to treat my dc like that because being their parent is tough. We've all got it tough. You're NOT special.

And, a lot of SM are dealing with DSC with SN but without the chance to discuss issues with teachers, doctors or therapists. they are dealing with everything you are dealing with, alongside Blended Family issues.