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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To expect STEPSON to go to his mum's every other weekend?

701 replies

slowcooker · 17/01/2014 20:10

This is a rant to get it off my system because I'm fuming right now.

After a long negotiation we persuaded stepson to go to his mum's this weekend but he's not going now because apparently his room there is wet and small and blah blah blah a list long of excuses why he won't go.

When I got together with my DH, 7years ago, he had 50% custody of his 2 kids and they were with him 50% of the time. It was on a rolling rota basis to accommodate the ex's shift pattern. I would look forward to the (approx) 9 weekends a year we had without the kids! The years have gone by, both kids are teenagers now they are more independent, the eldest lives with the EX full time and the stepson with us full time (for the past 9 months). In the meantime we have our almost 3 year old DD. And I'm stuck in a battle to secure sometime for DH and me as a couple!

Things are rather bad between us. If having a child changes the dynamics in a relationship imagine having a child in a blended family!

That together with work pressures (I have been working full time since DD was 11 months) and general stresses are not helping my mental well being. I feel I've hit rock bottom recently. I had some other issues at work and resigned in December.
We've been so busy with an extension and this and that, that we've not even been able to relax and sit and watch telly for months on end until the NEW year. And even now it seems like we're passing ships all the time.

I don't have family around here and DH has a sister who is lovely and helpful but she's only ever babysat for us once in the last 3 years and I don't want to impose on her as she helped a lot with my DH's other 2 kids when they were little.

At the moment whilst my DD is little the only solution to some quality time for us is to be in the house just the 2 of us (in the evenings I mean after little one has gone to bed) as we don't get to see each other as a couple any more. In any case we were never the going out type (just cinema really) but rather we would go on days out, bike excursions etc and stayed in for a nice meal and film.

I don't think this is too much to ask. I think we'll end up separating ourselves if we don't get some quality time together on a regular basis!

I feel resentful towards my stepson and his mum (for not providing him with a decent room) and my DH for not putting boundaries to people.

I want some space with just my DH and myself in our house! 2 evenings every 15 days is it too much to ask? 2 evenings where I don't have to think what is stepson going to eat (fussy eater) and of sitting in peace to maybe watch something like a film without someone barding in.

And even when I can walk around naked if I fell like it for goodness sake..

Not in a good place at all!

OP posts:
5OBalesofHay · 19/01/2014 22:17

I'd like to know what an 'eppy' is please things I know that it is usually nasty slang for epilepsy. If so then be ashamed. If you didn't mean that then watch your language because its offensive.

SirChenjin · 19/01/2014 22:18

Good to know eppy doesn't mean the same thing throughout the UK.

SirChenjin · 19/01/2014 22:19

No pearls here btw.

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight · 19/01/2014 22:20

Well she wouldn't have phoned me for an epileptic seizure would she?

FrogStarandRoses · 19/01/2014 22:22

We do not have to support people who are doing the wrong thing, in fact supporting that behaviour is destructive.

I disagree - it is possible to support someone to change their approach, rather than condemn them as wrong and leave them to flounder.

Had the OP posted on stepparenting board, she would have received support to do just that. She would have been guided to express her frustration towards her DP who is letting the whole family down by allowing this to continue.
As it is, the OP received a thorough kicking with no idea what she could do instead - the language and name-calling directed at her in the responses within the first two pages are vile.
Of course, when it was suggested that the OP might find support to change on another part of MN, where people have direct experience of the situation she finds herself in, that became the focus of attention and stepmums as a group became the target.

Bahhhhhumbug · 19/01/2014 22:24

I think the mother ( see what I did there ? ) is the main culprit in this case. She apparently doesn't even provide a warm dry place for her son to sleep at her house and he feels so welcome there he is reluctant to even go there every other week for a few days. She should be ashamed of herself and is dumping her responsibilities and duties as a mother/mother figure onto the SM 24/7 causing her to understandably feel resentful and overwhelmed.

As for those who say that a SM should embrace this young mans presence as if he were her own child ? Personally I know I could never feel as totally comfortable with someone elses son like I do with my own. I also am always going to find the presence of a (near) adult non (blood) related male more intrusive than that of my own flesh and blood especially if I only met them as an older child. That's not to say that if my own adult son were to be constantly parked on my settee every single night with my DH and I that I wouldn't wish he would bugger off out occasionally. Unless a mum meets the child as a baby /toddler imo it gets harder the older you meet them.

But still most people blame/attack the SM - cos it's the law innit Hmm

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight · 19/01/2014 22:24

You are welcome to tell me what the word means to you
In future I may consider refraining from using it if its classed as offensive however that is not the context I used it in here
However I'm amazed that in that whole post only a word was picked out and moaned about
On the other hand I may continue to use that word because I know how I mean it and no one tells me what I can and can't say unless they pay my internet bill Smile

BrianTheMole · 19/01/2014 22:24

Thanks Brian
I could hear the pearls being clutched in unison then I swear

Indeed Grin.

SirChenjin · 19/01/2014 22:24

Eppy doesn't literally mean an epileptic fit - it's a derogatory term (in some parts of the UK...) meaning - To get very upset indeed and usually freak out at someone. A violent outburst. Derogative term derived from "epileptic fit". "When he saw them together he had a fuckin eppy" (Urban Dictionary - which also features your eppy meaning episode)

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight · 19/01/2014 22:29

So eppy doesn't even mean what everyone thinks it means its just derived from it??
Shock
So people were getting a bit PO then? Grin
On mn?
Never Wink

BrianTheMole · 19/01/2014 22:29

Well its always good to check the context in which someone is using a word then, before wheeling out the cannons.

SirChenjin · 19/01/2014 22:31

Yes, it's an offensive term derived from something else - as plenty of things are.

Hardly big guns Brian - you sensitive little soul, you Grin

SirChenjin · 19/01/2014 22:32

Or cannons even - BOOM!

anothernumberone · 19/01/2014 22:33

Well in order to change behaviour you have to acknowledge it. Not likely to happen when all if the blame is being landed at the DH's door. I thought I read up thread frog that you did not support the OP's perspective I actually am on the end of that scale and I think it is appalling and as I have said virtually all of my sympathy is reserved for her ss. I think you are getting so caught up in defending step mothers in general that you are finding yourself defending the indefensible.

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight · 19/01/2014 22:33

I see pitchforks and torches Wink

SirChenjin · 19/01/2014 22:34

Don't let Brian see them...Wink

BrianTheMole · 19/01/2014 22:36

you sensitive little soul, you

Nice try!

SirChenjin · 19/01/2014 22:37

I'm lining up my cannon Brian...you'd better duck!

BrianTheMole · 19/01/2014 22:39

You won't catch me. So there! Grin

FrogStarandRoses · 19/01/2014 22:41

numberone but the OP hasn't described her behaviour at all, so how can you judge her behavior to be wrong? She has described her feelings, which, by definition, cannot be wrong, they just are!

The OP's DH's behaviour is wrong if he is not addressing the issues that are causing his DS relationship with Mum to break down. Mums behaviour is wrong is she is refusing to provide a suitable environment for her DS to maintain a relationship with her. But the OP's feelings are not wrong.

SirChenjin · 19/01/2014 22:44

I just did - you've been splatted Grin

BrianTheMole · 19/01/2014 22:53

Nope, still here. Although I'm going to bed now, so you've lost your chance Wink

anothernumberone · 19/01/2014 22:56

Jeepers that long negotiation trying to convince ss out of her house for the weekend sounded like behaviour to me frog. Feelings can be wrong which is why we often try to change our feelings on something to help us move past them.

FrogStarandRoses · 19/01/2014 23:02

Nope -I disagree - what someone feels is never "wrong".

That is not to say we cannot change our own feelings if we choose to, but it is not for anyone else to tell another that their emotions are unacceptable.

Reactions to emotions are very different from experiencing them.

anothernumberone · 19/01/2014 23:10

Well we will have to agree to disagree there there are lots of wrong feelings including the OPs towards her ss. Feeling like you want to harm someone, a child, just as a quick example is wrong. If I came on Mumsnet talking about feeling like I want to harm a child I would not expect support. The OP has feelings that are emotionally destructive for her step children. These are wrong too.