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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect STEPSON to go to his mum's every other weekend?

701 replies

slowcooker · 17/01/2014 20:10

This is a rant to get it off my system because I'm fuming right now.

After a long negotiation we persuaded stepson to go to his mum's this weekend but he's not going now because apparently his room there is wet and small and blah blah blah a list long of excuses why he won't go.

When I got together with my DH, 7years ago, he had 50% custody of his 2 kids and they were with him 50% of the time. It was on a rolling rota basis to accommodate the ex's shift pattern. I would look forward to the (approx) 9 weekends a year we had without the kids! The years have gone by, both kids are teenagers now they are more independent, the eldest lives with the EX full time and the stepson with us full time (for the past 9 months). In the meantime we have our almost 3 year old DD. And I'm stuck in a battle to secure sometime for DH and me as a couple!

Things are rather bad between us. If having a child changes the dynamics in a relationship imagine having a child in a blended family!

That together with work pressures (I have been working full time since DD was 11 months) and general stresses are not helping my mental well being. I feel I've hit rock bottom recently. I had some other issues at work and resigned in December.
We've been so busy with an extension and this and that, that we've not even been able to relax and sit and watch telly for months on end until the NEW year. And even now it seems like we're passing ships all the time.

I don't have family around here and DH has a sister who is lovely and helpful but she's only ever babysat for us once in the last 3 years and I don't want to impose on her as she helped a lot with my DH's other 2 kids when they were little.

At the moment whilst my DD is little the only solution to some quality time for us is to be in the house just the 2 of us (in the evenings I mean after little one has gone to bed) as we don't get to see each other as a couple any more. In any case we were never the going out type (just cinema really) but rather we would go on days out, bike excursions etc and stayed in for a nice meal and film.

I don't think this is too much to ask. I think we'll end up separating ourselves if we don't get some quality time together on a regular basis!

I feel resentful towards my stepson and his mum (for not providing him with a decent room) and my DH for not putting boundaries to people.

I want some space with just my DH and myself in our house! 2 evenings every 15 days is it too much to ask? 2 evenings where I don't have to think what is stepson going to eat (fussy eater) and of sitting in peace to maybe watch something like a film without someone barding in.

And even when I can walk around naked if I fell like it for goodness sake..

Not in a good place at all!

OP posts:
Theoldhag · 19/01/2014 18:45

I know this probably sound trite, but many couples find a haven in making their bedroom their personal/couple chill out zone, somewhere to cuddle up with dp/dh away from teen children.

Just a thought?

Alifelivedforwards · 19/01/2014 18:54

There have been a few awful comments (as usual). Most people have stated their case very strongly, with no viciousness or malice. Some people cannot see the difference between being forthright and persuasive even angry, and being gratuitously nasty.

appletarts · 19/01/2014 19:10

I wonder what is the state of peoples lives who come on MN to viciously attack and posters on aibu. Having been on the receiving end of a very upsetting tirade of abuse last week I am left wondering what is wrong with these people. Are these bullies regular Mnetters? Surely this isn't what this site is all about, I think it says in the rules that it's not a fight club. I think this is bullying, simple clear cut bullying. Yuk.

Alifelivedforwards · 19/01/2014 19:23

Who are the bullies you are referring? Because it sounds like you and others are lumping together everyone who disagrees with the OP as bullies and vicious attackers.When of course that is very far from the truth.

It would be helpful to everyone's arguments and more of a genuine discussion if people would be clear what and who they are talking about.

Owllady · 19/01/2014 19:29

There does seem to be a core group on any one thread in this section
Though, I have thought about it Confused
The nature of
Person being annoyed/angry and posts thinking they are right, because they are in that moment
Now that can go either way
They are not being g unreasonable, original poster calms down
They are being unreasonable, cue angrier open and angry people who know her
Extremes of view either side

I believe it's the most 'watched ' board on talk. It's fed used by the media too, but mnhq is the media anyway

TheRealAmandaClarke · 19/01/2014 19:36

We don't really know anything about the mother samU
One son lives with her ft. The other has recently said (on this one occasion) that the room is wet, and small. No clarification from OP about what that means. I've seen many ppl's homes who say they have damp rooms, when all there is is some temporary condensation. And a small room is no reason to not visit. Even of the room is damp, in what way does that make the mother a bad person.
There's a lot of extrapolation (and vitriol) on this thread From very little information.

Thatisall · 19/01/2014 19:39

I think it would be brilliant and really helpful I'd people who postbox AIBU saying that previous posters have bullied the OP, actually stated which users they are talking about. I feel quite strongly about the points I've made on his thread, about the (unanswered) questions I've asked. I regularly post in AIBU and receive both positive and negative responses. I don't feel bullied however I have felt singled out by certain posters and I've called them on it. I don't consider every strongly worded disagreement to be insulting or an act of bullying.
So I'm asking an actual question. To those who are claiming this has become a bullying thread, who and which posts are bullying? Also where are all these biscuits that have apparently been posted on ancient step parent threads?

I'm not saying that no bullying goes on but you can't just throw that word around willy nilly, it belittles those people who are victims of bullying.

Sparklysilversequins · 19/01/2014 19:41

I think there's a few knee jerk comments on here and of course the usual "one sentence insulters" who add nothing to the discussion whatsoever but just call tell the OP she's a big old meanie (and that's putting it politely) then go away again, the really irritate me btw, just jumping in because everyone else is. Limited.

I disagree that there is a sustained campaign of viciousness against the OP though and I don't think it can be called bullying.

Thatisall · 19/01/2014 20:09

Just saying bullies and then not responding. Great.

AmGrowingAnAwesomeTree · 19/01/2014 20:25

Sparklysilversequins Sun 19-Jan-14 18:37:11

'And yet there's been no deletions as far as I am aware has there?'

Message poster Sparklysilversequins Fri 17-Jan-14 20:56:16
Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Nope Sparkly - no deletions... Hmm

BrianTheMole · 19/01/2014 20:40

And yet there's been no deletions as far as I am aware has there?

Only yours on friday at 20:56

Sparklysilversequins · 19/01/2014 20:40

Grin Hope you enjoyed searching the entire thread for that!

Thatisall · 19/01/2014 20:44

So just sparky's post that was deleted is bullying? Is that what your saying? 1 post does not a 'bullying thread' make

FrogStarandRoses · 19/01/2014 20:46

sparkly just to remind you, that was the post in which you referred to posters on the stepparenting thread as princesses - and not in a complimentary way.

Not of course that anyone on this thread has generalised or been derogatory about a collectible group - it's all about the OP, isn't it?

I think that bullying is evidenced by the fact that some posters trawled other boards and bumped posts to evidence their point on this thread. It's distasteful and not what I thought MN was about.

BrianTheMole · 19/01/2014 20:48

Plenty of name calling on here. It is bullying. Lots of rationale conversation too, but certainly a reasonable number of people who jump on the thread just to insult the op.

mrbobthecat · 19/01/2014 20:50

I'm so sick of the "I received abuse and was bullied" whinges when the rest of MN fail to agree with the OP. If it's abuse, report it and it'll get deleted.

Thatisall · 19/01/2014 20:53

frog no don't have time to trawl this thread to check but wasn't it you that posted saying that people from this thread had gone on the step parents board and resurrected old threads just to post biscuits? I'll ask again, where? Which posts?

One person 'bumped' a thread apparently to show the use of derogatory terms in one of the posts. So that's 2 posters. Sparkly who had her post deleted and another poster who bumped a post to make her point.

So where's all the bullying? I see lots of opinion, lots of shock, lots if disagreement with the OP and personal upset with regarded to posters past experiences. Still doesn't warrant throwing the bullying word in there.

BrianTheMole · 19/01/2014 20:55

Its not about people not agreeing. Its fine not to agree and discuss it rationally. Being called spoilt, sulky, unpleasant, horrific, a spoilt brat etc etc does not fall into that category, and is bullying.

Thatisall · 19/01/2014 20:56

But I don't think the majority of the posters did call the OP these things. Indeed as per mumsnet guidelines, posts calling her these things would have been deleted.

Sparklysilversequins · 19/01/2014 20:56

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

FrogStarandRoses · 19/01/2014 20:58

thatisall Actually, I haven't said it is bullying. Distasteful, and very bias against step mums, but not bullying.
There have been worse threads on the step- board.

Doesn't make what has happened here right though. In particular, When posters suggested the OP seek support on a specialist board, the reaction and opinions about that particular group of MN users was very offensive.

Sparklysilversequins · 19/01/2014 20:59

To reiterate at no point on this thread have I called the OP a name or been in any way vicious towards her. A load of step parents got the hump because I called them "princesses" and that is why I was deleted. In my opinion it was in no way bullying, but yes, perhaps could have been seen as incendiary.

appletarts · 19/01/2014 20:59

Apologies if I've got it wrong but didn't op here say she was at teh end of her tether and having a rant. In what way are some of the responses on here helpful to a woman at the end of her tether? Balls to sisterhood eh. I think asking to name and shame people bullying in AIBU is actually another tactic to fan the flames. Might I suggest the bullies take up a real life hobby, it can't be good for anyone to be bitching on a website every night.

BrianTheMole · 19/01/2014 20:59

But I don't think the majority of the posters did call the OP these things. Indeed as per mumsnet guidelines, posts calling her these things would have been deleted.

No not the majority because its a big thread with a lot of posters on it. But around 15 posters, give or take a little. And no, they haven't been deleted.

Thatisall · 19/01/2014 21:00

Also many of the people saying that the poster was in the wrong, UR and unpleasant, were sM it turns out.

I disagree with the Way the OP apparently considers her dss, I find her post incredibly unpleasant and she does come across as spoilt and blind to the the fact that her problems are hers and bit her dss'. ....,
But....I will not put up with being hailed a bully for that.