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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To expect STEPSON to go to his mum's every other weekend?

701 replies

slowcooker · 17/01/2014 20:10

This is a rant to get it off my system because I'm fuming right now.

After a long negotiation we persuaded stepson to go to his mum's this weekend but he's not going now because apparently his room there is wet and small and blah blah blah a list long of excuses why he won't go.

When I got together with my DH, 7years ago, he had 50% custody of his 2 kids and they were with him 50% of the time. It was on a rolling rota basis to accommodate the ex's shift pattern. I would look forward to the (approx) 9 weekends a year we had without the kids! The years have gone by, both kids are teenagers now they are more independent, the eldest lives with the EX full time and the stepson with us full time (for the past 9 months). In the meantime we have our almost 3 year old DD. And I'm stuck in a battle to secure sometime for DH and me as a couple!

Things are rather bad between us. If having a child changes the dynamics in a relationship imagine having a child in a blended family!

That together with work pressures (I have been working full time since DD was 11 months) and general stresses are not helping my mental well being. I feel I've hit rock bottom recently. I had some other issues at work and resigned in December.
We've been so busy with an extension and this and that, that we've not even been able to relax and sit and watch telly for months on end until the NEW year. And even now it seems like we're passing ships all the time.

I don't have family around here and DH has a sister who is lovely and helpful but she's only ever babysat for us once in the last 3 years and I don't want to impose on her as she helped a lot with my DH's other 2 kids when they were little.

At the moment whilst my DD is little the only solution to some quality time for us is to be in the house just the 2 of us (in the evenings I mean after little one has gone to bed) as we don't get to see each other as a couple any more. In any case we were never the going out type (just cinema really) but rather we would go on days out, bike excursions etc and stayed in for a nice meal and film.

I don't think this is too much to ask. I think we'll end up separating ourselves if we don't get some quality time together on a regular basis!

I feel resentful towards my stepson and his mum (for not providing him with a decent room) and my DH for not putting boundaries to people.

I want some space with just my DH and myself in our house! 2 evenings every 15 days is it too much to ask? 2 evenings where I don't have to think what is stepson going to eat (fussy eater) and of sitting in peace to maybe watch something like a film without someone barding in.

And even when I can walk around naked if I fell like it for goodness sake..

Not in a good place at all!

OP posts:
Owllady · 19/01/2014 17:27

The main problem is how step children are treated by all responsible adults who operate in a dysfunctional relationship with one another. The stepson mum is not bein pro active enough to have him round, he doesn't want to go round. Dad is providing him with a loving stable home. Be annoyed with the mum but the boy needs love and stability which he gets off his Dad. Stepson is the child in the relationship, op is the adult.
The other thread you mention was completely different scenarios

needaholidaynow · 19/01/2014 17:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 19/01/2014 17:27

his mother sounds awful
Really? Just making it up now then.
One OP post. Then a raft of creative ideas Hmm

needaholidaynow · 19/01/2014 17:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sallystyle · 19/01/2014 17:31

Again, if I married a man with children from a previous marriage I would be happy to help out with child care every now and then. I wouldn't personally feel like I am being lumped with a child.

My husband will do the bulk of child care for mine when I start my new job. Thankfully it doesn't bother him and he doesn't feel like he is being lumped with mine.

Same with their step-mum who is now widowed from their dad.

I guess I have been lucky, we have always viewed them as all of our kids and from reading lots of posts here my kids are very lucky. They may as well have four parents (well three now their dad died) We are just one big family and that is how it should be imo. Not always easy to achieve for sure but some of the views here sadden me.

Sallystyle · 19/01/2014 17:33

Sorry needaholiday. I posted that the same time as you so missed your other post.

And yes TheRealAmanda.. his mother does sound awful, what is wrong with that? Hmm she can't provide her child with a place to sleep, how is that not awful?

Sallystyle · 19/01/2014 17:35

I agree BTW that using anyone for free child care while they are on maternity leave isn't fair if that isn't what the step parent wants but that is a fault with the husband/wife for trying to force that.

Sparklysilversequins · 19/01/2014 17:35

NO Mums should have to run round for everyone! The point is you don't get special dispensation because its not your biological child. You chose this man and the child that came with him and you set up family with him. Normal family rules apply, whatever the twatty ex might be doing, that's the deal you made. It's hard and sometimes rubbish but that's ALL parenting. You may not have the same feelings for your step kids as you do your own but you have to pretend that you do because it's CHILDREN and if you don't you will be contributing greatly to giving that child a shit childhood just because "it's not fair!".

needaholidaynow · 19/01/2014 17:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Alifelivedforwards · 19/01/2014 17:40

Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Sparkly

Alifelivedforwards · 19/01/2014 17:43

And please stop with 'you lot are the 'anti step mum brigade' crap

We're 'pro children' not 'anti step mothers'

NewtRipley · 19/01/2014 17:53

Alife

I agree

I hate the concept of a Brigade. Such a lazy way to stereotype people's vairied opinions

NewtRipley · 19/01/2014 17:53

varied

dozeydoris · 19/01/2014 17:55

Teenagers are less daytime slog than toddlers IMHO. But they stay up so bloody late, and they hang out with you and watch tv with you etc

I felt guilty for it but the desire for some time (30 mins?) on my own was very real I have no idea whether I will feel like that when my fabulous babies are teenagers

I'm sure you will feel like that on occasions but the difference is you can tell them to TURN THAT RUBBISH OFF AND GET UPSTAIRS AND DO YOUR HOMEWORK. Which you can't when with your niece or touchy step child.

coco44 · 19/01/2014 18:01

. When OP and her DP got together, the step children were with them 50% of the time. Over the years, this evolved into having one kid 100% of the time - NOT WHAT SHE SIGNED UP FOR!

OP has failed to get her head around the fact that her DH was,is and always will be parent to another woman's child 100% of the time.Where that DC lives is irrelevant to this fact.

coco44 · 19/01/2014 18:03

..and what's with all this strutting about naked? Do you think people do that in front of their own teenaged children?

Alifelivedforwards · 19/01/2014 18:10

Y Y Y Y Y Y Y at coco's post @ 18.01...

Hmmm...at your post at 18.03 - she's really not said she wants to 'strut about' naked, I think she was just using that as an example of feeling stifled in her home. Let's be fair here.

Theoldhag · 19/01/2014 18:14

Op you have every right to post a self absorbed and ranty post, but really?

Just really?

As others have pointed out you chose to be with a man with children.

Your choice

Now take a long hard look at yourself

Sparklysilversequins · 19/01/2014 18:15

Oh "strut about naked" made me Grin. Lets leave it in.

Alifelivedforwards · 19/01/2014 18:19

And there you were doing so well on this thread Sparkly Wink!

Sparklysilversequins · 19/01/2014 18:23

I know, sorry BlushWink

Owllady · 19/01/2014 18:28

Walking around naked is one way to get rid if teenagers out of your house one

Owllady · 19/01/2014 18:29

One was supposed to say ime!

AmGrowingAnAwesomeTree · 19/01/2014 18:29

Even by AIBU standards, the level of vitriol and hatred on here is beyond vicious and pretty revolting.

A view; an opionion; some advice; some whatever; ALL of those can be expressed without the rank viciousness in some of the posts above.

AIBU is a question. It's not a 'let's bash the shit out of the OP'.

OP You do sound at the end of your tether (whether others think that is 'right' or 'wrong' of you). I too would urge you to seek space and help in that department. And funnily enough, I can say that whilst at the same time as feeling for your DSS.

The two are NOT mutually incompatible folks?

Sparklysilversequins · 19/01/2014 18:37

And yet there's been no deletions as far as I am aware has there? You are exaggerating. OP has had negative responses to an extremely negative OP. I think it's actually shocked quite a lot of people and led to useful discussion.