To expect STEPSON to go to his mum's every other weekend?

[slowcooker]

This is a rant to get it off my system because I'm fuming right now.

After a long negotiation we persuaded stepson to go to his mum's this weekend but he's not going now because apparently his room there is wet and small and blah blah blah a list long of excuses why he won't go.

When I got together with my DH, 7years ago, he had 50% custody of his 2 kids and they were with him 50% of the time. It was on a rolling rota basis to accommodate the ex's shift pattern. I would look forward to the (approx) 9 weekends a year we had without the kids! The years have gone by, both kids are teenagers now they are more independent, the eldest lives with the EX full time and the stepson with us full time (for the past 9 months). In the meantime we have our almost 3 year old DD. And I'm stuck in a battle to secure sometime for DH and me as a couple!

Things are rather bad between us. If having a child changes the dynamics in a relationship imagine having a child in a blended family!

That together with work pressures (I have been working full time since DD was 11 months) and general stresses are not helping my mental well being. I feel I've hit rock bottom recently. I had some other issues at work and resigned in December.
We've been so busy with an extension and this and that, that we've not even been able to relax and sit and watch telly for months on end until the NEW year. And even now it seems like we're passing ships all the time.

I don't have family around here and DH has a sister who is lovely and helpful but she's only ever babysat for us once in the last 3 years and I don't want to impose on her as she helped a lot with my DH's other 2 kids when they were little.

At the moment whilst my DD is little the only solution to some quality time for us is to be in the house just the 2 of us (in the evenings I mean after little one has gone to bed) as we don't get to see each other as a couple any more. In any case we were never the going out type (just cinema really) but rather we would go on days out, bike excursions etc and stayed in for a nice meal and film.

I don't think this is too much to ask. I think we'll end up separating ourselves if we don't get some quality time together on a regular basis!

I feel resentful towards my stepson and his mum (for not providing him with a decent room) and my DH for not putting boundaries to people.

I want some space with just my DH and myself in our house! 2 evenings every 15 days is it too much to ask? 2 evenings where I don't have to think what is stepson going to eat (fussy eater) and of sitting in peace to maybe watch something like a film without someone barding in.

And even when I can walk around naked if I fell like it for goodness sake..

Not in a good place at all!

I actually think it's little to do with being a step mother tbh. Agree that if a bio mother had come and said "AIBU to want my teenager to disappear every weekend so that me and DH can have some alone time and I can walk around naked. I am beginning to resent them for not doing so" she would have been roasted to a cinder.

Aw sparkly that's not the main reason she wants him to go. Read the OP, it reads like someone in despair, trying to fix a rocky relationship and suffering from depression.

Wow, YABridiculouslyU and let's face it you don't sound very nice. I feel sorry for your DSS, he deserves better.

bruthas and blaming their 'unreasonable' dss' presence for that despair? That's not right is it? And I agree with sparkly, if his DM had posted the same thing, she would have got a similar response.

No of course it's not right. I'm not saying that, but what I am saying is that we can afford to be sympathetic in our response, in the exact same way we would if a mother had posted this. I don't believe it would have been a flaming, I believe it would've been you're unreasonable but we can see you're overwhelmed so let's try and figure it out (which some posters on this thread did, admitedly).

Have you read the whole thread, strawberry or is your post a knee-jerk reaction based on the OPs title/initial post?

cory - no, telling a SM she IBU is not vilification. Belittling posters for suggesting that she post on another area of MN, and insulting users of that MN board is. I've often seen AIBU posts saying that the OP would be better off posting on the relationship board, or SN board. Not once have I seen a post on the SN board deliberately bumped to prove a point about posters on that board.

Woah what a thread, ah how the world hates stepmothers

OP dont take it personally, people just cant help themselves

DD has cottoned on that I'm DSD's stepmother, she piped up "but your not horrid Mummy" (DD loves Cinderella)
"No sweetheart I think most real step mummys are actually very nice"

The world doesn't hate stepmothers Elenor, just stepmothers who want their step children to go away, like the OP.

I don't see that the OP wants her SS to go away though, she wants a break - she (very basically speaking) has a teenager who is not her own flesh and blood living with her full time.

To have got to that position she must care about him.

I will concede that her posts are very poorly worded and will not attract huge sympathy.

Am a stepmother, although my stepson is practically an adult now.

There is nothing wrong in wanting time with your DH, infact it is important. However the OP phrased it in a bad way. I wonder if she also feels resentment against her biological child for getting in the way.

The DSS's mother should be pulling her weight, however because she is not that means the OP and her husband need to make sure that they do nothing that makes the DSS feel unwelcome.

I am a step parent who rarely posts on the step parenting board having been ripped to shreds on their in the past for not conforming to what seems to me to be the dominant view . I suspect you are more likely to get a stepparent posing in that section if they have a difficult relationship with their husband's ex or stepchildren. if I need to post about my stepson I would do so on the main board, rather than await the flaming.

I had my lovely niece to stay for a couple of weeks last summer.
She is 13. She's adorable and I would say we are quite close tbh.
But by day 10 9 8 7 I craved the tiny fragment of time I usually have alone in the evenings after the DCs are in bed
Teenagers are less daytime slog than toddlers IMHO. But they stay up so bloody late, and they hang out with you and watch tv with you etc.
I felt guilty for it but the desire for some time (30 mins?) on my own was very real.
I have no idea whether I will feel like that when my fabulous babies are teenagers. Time will tell.

The point is ALL parents need a break chances are you aren't going to get one though. It's fine to want a break, it's not fine to turf your kids out of their homes fortnightly when they really don't want to go, to a place that they are not welcome and if they won't go be resentful of them. His Mum and brother live there and this kid is going all out to not have to go there. There's obviously a reason for that.

The world doesn't hate stepmothers Elenor, just stepmothers who want their step children to go away

......Or stepmothers who overstep and try to replace the DC's Mum, or stepmothers who disengage, hide in their room, and leave parenting to the DC's parents, or stepmothers who don't meet all their DSC physical needs, or stepmums who dare to provide their DSC with practical support, or stepmums who consider their DSC family, or stepmums who don't treat their DSC like family.....you know, there is probably a wider range of opinions as to what a stepmother should or should not be than about anyone else on MN - and they nearly all contradict each other.

slowcooker a change is as good as a rest, they say. Might you all be able to afford a very cheap hotel weekend away and go somewhere different, taking 3 year old and DSS with you? I have a similar set up to yours and while I can see where you're coming from I don't think you're going to get the time for you and DH that you crave, perhaps a short break might help?

I have not read all 417 replies so don't know if this has already been written but I DO NOT THINK OP IS BEING AT ALL UNREASONABLE.

This boy is NOT HER SON, HE HAS HIS OWN MOTHER. OP is struggling at the moment. When OP and her DP got together, the step children were with them 50% of the time. Over the years, this evolved into having one kid 100% of the time - NOT WHAT SHE SIGNED UP FOR!

Honestly, I would resent anyone that made walking about naked in my own home impossible! Something I wouldn't think twice about doing with my own child but would probably get arrested (or at the very least reported to social services) for doing in the presence of a step-child.

If I signed up for 50% care of someone else's child and got lumped with 100% care after a few years, I'd feel pretty cheated too! Besides, why isn't the mother demanding that her own son spend ANY time with her?!?! Surely that makes the EX a not-so-great mother?!

The bottom line is that OP is desperate for a better relationship with her partner and believes this can (start to) be achieved if the EX took responsibility of her own child 2 nights out of 15! Seems reasonable to me.

So all the step-mom bashers should just do one!!!!

Ziaren - ok he's NOT HER SON as you charmingly put in caps, but she is WITH HIS FATHER and she therefore must regard her house as his home and treat him as she would her own even if she doesn't feel it in her heart. Because he's a child and it's his father's house and he didn't ask for any of this to happen to him.

I'm sure he would be delighted to hear you say his stepmother has been 'lumped' with looking after him.

In fact why I am responding to such an offensive post?

"Lumped".

I think that says it all really doesn't it?

What a disgusting word to use.

Not what she signed up for? Tough. Nothing in parenting is what we signed up for. I have two autistic children. I certainly didn't "sign up" for that! Guess what though? I rolled with the punches and got on with it and life with them is grand.

Big grown women stamping their feet and saying "this isn't what I signed up for, I don't want to be lumped with him". Are utterly repellant, as is your post and a good example of why SOME step mothers get such bad press.

Ziaren it is a bit naive to assume that contact is going to stay the same way for years to come.

Not what she signed up for? Things change and it is stupid to think that things will remain static for ever.

My kids step-mum didn't sign up for her husband to die young but yet here she is still supporting them even though she never signed up for that. When you marry someone with kids it is stupid to expect the arrangements will stay the same. OP didn't sign up for anything other than knowing she was marrying a man with children and during the years things could change.

BTW I have teens, I can't walk around naked as much as I would like either. I don't resent them for that, it's what happens when you have children. When OP's child is a teen should she resent her for not being able to walk around naked? I am ok with nakedness, my kids don't mind seeing me naked every now and then but there will be no more evenings of sitting around naked now. Most teens don't want their parents walking around naked all evening.

I am not a step-parent basher. My children have two fantastic step-parents who go above and beyond for them.

I am against step-parents who try to send their SC child off for a weekend to somewhere they don't want to be so they can walk around naked and have alone time when there are other options for her to achieve this alone time that do not involve making her SC feel like he is in the way.

His mother sounds awful and for whatever reason he doesn't want to see her and shouldn't be forced into going somewhere he doesn't want to go at his age so step mum can walk around naked.

OP can get her alone time, she just has to think of other ways like most of us here have to do.

Big grown women stamping their feet and saying "this isn't what I signed up for, I don't want to be lumped with him". Are utterly repellant, as is your post and a good example of why SOME step mothers get such bad press.

Exactly.

Like I said, my kids step-mum lost her husband five weeks ago and from the goodness of her own heart she still wants them in her life as much as before and continues to support them.

She is only in her late 20's too. Thank god she doesn't have that attitude.

Jesus Christ

I posted on that thread and agreed that was unreasonable.

But that is not what the OP is describing here.