To expect STEPSON to go to his mum's every other weekend?

[slowcooker]

This is a rant to get it off my system because I'm fuming right now.

After a long negotiation we persuaded stepson to go to his mum's this weekend but he's not going now because apparently his room there is wet and small and blah blah blah a list long of excuses why he won't go.

When I got together with my DH, 7years ago, he had 50% custody of his 2 kids and they were with him 50% of the time. It was on a rolling rota basis to accommodate the ex's shift pattern. I would look forward to the (approx) 9 weekends a year we had without the kids! The years have gone by, both kids are teenagers now they are more independent, the eldest lives with the EX full time and the stepson with us full time (for the past 9 months). In the meantime we have our almost 3 year old DD. And I'm stuck in a battle to secure sometime for DH and me as a couple!

Things are rather bad between us. If having a child changes the dynamics in a relationship imagine having a child in a blended family!

That together with work pressures (I have been working full time since DD was 11 months) and general stresses are not helping my mental well being. I feel I've hit rock bottom recently. I had some other issues at work and resigned in December.
We've been so busy with an extension and this and that, that we've not even been able to relax and sit and watch telly for months on end until the NEW year. And even now it seems like we're passing ships all the time.

I don't have family around here and DH has a sister who is lovely and helpful but she's only ever babysat for us once in the last 3 years and I don't want to impose on her as she helped a lot with my DH's other 2 kids when they were little.

At the moment whilst my DD is little the only solution to some quality time for us is to be in the house just the 2 of us (in the evenings I mean after little one has gone to bed) as we don't get to see each other as a couple any more. In any case we were never the going out type (just cinema really) but rather we would go on days out, bike excursions etc and stayed in for a nice meal and film.

I don't think this is too much to ask. I think we'll end up separating ourselves if we don't get some quality time together on a regular basis!

I feel resentful towards my stepson and his mum (for not providing him with a decent room) and my DH for not putting boundaries to people.

I want some space with just my DH and myself in our house! 2 evenings every 15 days is it too much to ask? 2 evenings where I don't have to think what is stepson going to eat (fussy eater) and of sitting in peace to maybe watch something like a film without someone barding in.

And even when I can walk around naked if I fell like it for goodness sake..

Not in a good place at all!

Hidden the thread, if she's got any sense - can't be an easy one to read

molly if a SM started a thread in AIBU about her DSS mums provision of a damp room I can guarantee she would have been lynched.
The mere suggestion that a SM might be criticising their DSC mother brings the MN posse out in force.

I doubt it.

A thread like that may bring a few odd ones to the surface but there are many, many helpful and level headed members of MN that usually shoot those posters down.

This is all really "Them and Us" which doesn't really help anyone.

i see where you are coming from i think you worded it wrong.......i understand the frustration of not seeing your husband and just being parents and working it sounds like he likes you better than his mom which is nice now book a holiday with free childcare for your three year old and activities for the teen and spend some time as a couple xx

molly Have you read a book called Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin?

It is a summary if somewhat controversially named of social research into the attitudes and opinions towards stepmothers in different cultures through generations.

Denying there is a them and us attitude is denying what has been well documented and researched across cultures, decades and communities.

Stepmothers have been vilified for generations. They have been used as substitutes in fairy tales when it became distasteful to paint mothers as evil. Hounded by the media when their true relationship with child victims is revealed and spurned by communities for their perceived motivations.

Pretending that there isn't a stigma associated with step mothering is probably the most damaging thing of all. Its only when you become one that you truly discover the extent of the hatred towards the role you have taken on.

I have to say Frog that irl I've had nothing but positive feedback in my role as a stepmum. This may be because my DSSs Mum was largely uninvolved for many years and my DH was a resident single father to two very young sons when we got together though.

What will you do with your dd when she is a teenager to get quality time? Sorry yabu - can he not babysit while you go out, otherwise go to bed early and close your door.

bruthas that's really good to hear - sadly, it's clear from research and anecdotal evidence that your experience is not shared by all stepmums.

I am gobsmacked by the negative responses on this thread. Where's your compassion people? This is not the same as the woman on the train. Appalled.

*Christ almighty it's obvious even from a badly written post, that this is about wanting some alone time with the Mr and there's nothing wrong with that.

Reading the words step kids does funny things to people it seems hmm*

This!!

She says at the start of her post This is a rant to get it off my system because I'm fuming right now

No where in her post does she say she is taking it out on her stepson, no where does it say she resents him, yes its implied, but those jumping on the bandwagon and shouting poor lad... seriously???

She has come on here for a rant, to let off a bit of steam, all i read from her Op is that she is stressed, has a young child and wants some alone time with her husband, not so wrong is it?? Maybe it is a little wrongly worded but Im guilty of writing first thinking later also. Those jumping on her should be ashamed!

Vix, if the OP is fuming inside because she has expectations of quality time alone with her husband- what do you think the chances are that a teenager will be totally unaware of those feelings?

She is being flamed because those are unrealistic expectations to have once you have children in any shape or form. Going around with unrealistic expectations creates an unhealthy atmosphere both for the person who has them and for the people around.

She will discover that for herself if once their 3yo is a teenager her husband starts fuming with unrealistic resentment because he is always under their feet and there is not time for couple quality time.

I don't think most posters are vilifying stepmothers- they are responding in exactly the same way as they would respond re a biological child. Children need to feel wanted and loved in the home where they live. It must be horrible to live in a house where somebody gets upset because you don't go away for the weekend as expected.

Whenever there is one of these threads there is always a strong response claiming that society vilifies stepmothers and it's all because we hate stepmothers.

But if a woman posts in relationships that "my partner resents my teen son and I am so upset" there is an equally unanimous (and possibly overreacting) response of "ditch him, your son must come first". You never see anyone there suggesting that it's all about MN hating stepfathers. Only that children have certain needs and they must come first.

Again, what would the response be if a stepchild posted AIU to be fuming inside because my stepmum is supposed to work away every other weekend but this weekend she isn't?

The truth is that everybody needs to feel welcome in their home- and those who have two homes (through no choice of their own, let's remember) need to feel welcome in both of them.

YABU.

But if a woman posted in AIBU saying "aibu to expect my ex to take the DC every other weekend so I can have a break?" the responses would be completely different, cory. Nobody would accuse her of not loving the children or tell her to suck it up or tell her she knew what she was getting into when she had children. People would be sympathetic to the fact that she sounds tired and at the end of her tether and would flame the ex for not stepping up.

I think you summed it up perfectly cory.

no where does it say she resents him

Maybe you should read the OP again?

I feel resentful towards my stepson and his mum

cory But society does vilify stepmothers - there is a significant amount of social research to prove that.

It's not paranoia, it's not playing the victim - it is well evidenced that regardless of the culture or society, the role of "stepmother" is associated with hostility, estrangement and lack of acceptance.

It's actually quite amusing to read posts that try and disassociate themselves from that social conditioning; "oh, we don't hate ALL SM, but this SM isn't being fair" - MN is representative of society, so to pretend that all members are more enlightened and are unaffected by social trends is unrealistic. Even the moderation on MN is affected by social conditioning - as it should be.

As a Mum of teens and DCs in their early 20’s I think I tend to be more sympathetic towards DCs of this age rather than the 'adults' around them. In this case I am obviously sympathetic towards the OP but I also feel its unreasonable to tell a teen (by text?) that they are unwelcome in their own home without any reason.
The step daughter may have behaved badly when the OP miscarried 16 months ago but in teen 'time' 16 months is a long time. I bet she has matured a little since then.

Well said Cory

This is all a bit academic now isn't it, given the OP is staying away?

FrogStarandRoses Sun 19-Jan-14 10:14:09
"cory But society does vilify stepmothers - there is a significant amount of social research to prove that."

The fact that society vilifies stepmothers doesn't mean that anyone who tells a stepmother she is BU is merely doing it as part of this vilification process. Or are you trying to say that nobody should ever try to tell any individual stepmother she is BU in any individual case because we are bound to be part of the vilification process? In which case, where is the point in posting in AIBU?

What I think a lot of posters on this thread are saying is: "It doesn't matter if you are a stepmother or a biological mother: teens have certain needs and any household including a teen is responsible for meeting those needs."

needaholidaynow Sun 19-Jan-14 10:35:50
"But if a woman posted in AIBU saying "aibu to expect my ex to take the DC every other weekend so I can have a break?""

I have never seen a biomother posting about the need to take a teenager to give her a break: in those cases, it is about mothers being worn out by the constant slog of looking after a younger child and needing a break from that.

Teenagers have very different needs. They don't need taking to the toilet or washing or help with dressing or constant supervision. What they do need- and arguably more than a younger child- is to feel welcome night and day. Because of their age they are far more likely to be sensitive to any suggestion that this is not the case. This ime is as basic a teen need as getting help putting your shoes on as a toddler.

I disagree cory - I have seen threads on here about teens being sent to stay at Grandma's house for the night or a friends house while the parents are having a bit of couple time. If anything I've found that teens are more accommodating of (and considerably more disgusted by!) their parents need to have some "alone" time. I think if the OP had any other support then this wouldn't be an issue - the kids would go and stay at a relatives for a night occasionally and they could go out for the night.

needaholiday - yes of course she's allowed to want a break. But children's needs come first and this boy is in need. He has obviously had a tumultuous time, parents splitting, new stepparents and siblings, isn't comfortable at his own mothers, possibly feeling a bit in the way at this dads... I know we're not allowed to say this on Mumsnet but going through your parents divorce is pretty shit no matter the circumstances. He needs to feel comfortable and wanted. That's not the OP's can to carry alone but she can do her bit and ride this time period out.

I do not think OP is an 'evil witch' at all, and I agree some people have been hurtful and unpleasant in their responses.