To expect STEPSON to go to his mum's every other weekend?

[slowcooker]

This is a rant to get it off my system because I'm fuming right now.

After a long negotiation we persuaded stepson to go to his mum's this weekend but he's not going now because apparently his room there is wet and small and blah blah blah a list long of excuses why he won't go.

When I got together with my DH, 7years ago, he had 50% custody of his 2 kids and they were with him 50% of the time. It was on a rolling rota basis to accommodate the ex's shift pattern. I would look forward to the (approx) 9 weekends a year we had without the kids! The years have gone by, both kids are teenagers now they are more independent, the eldest lives with the EX full time and the stepson with us full time (for the past 9 months). In the meantime we have our almost 3 year old DD. And I'm stuck in a battle to secure sometime for DH and me as a couple!

Things are rather bad between us. If having a child changes the dynamics in a relationship imagine having a child in a blended family!

That together with work pressures (I have been working full time since DD was 11 months) and general stresses are not helping my mental well being. I feel I've hit rock bottom recently. I had some other issues at work and resigned in December.
We've been so busy with an extension and this and that, that we've not even been able to relax and sit and watch telly for months on end until the NEW year. And even now it seems like we're passing ships all the time.

I don't have family around here and DH has a sister who is lovely and helpful but she's only ever babysat for us once in the last 3 years and I don't want to impose on her as she helped a lot with my DH's other 2 kids when they were little.

At the moment whilst my DD is little the only solution to some quality time for us is to be in the house just the 2 of us (in the evenings I mean after little one has gone to bed) as we don't get to see each other as a couple any more. In any case we were never the going out type (just cinema really) but rather we would go on days out, bike excursions etc and stayed in for a nice meal and film.

I don't think this is too much to ask. I think we'll end up separating ourselves if we don't get some quality time together on a regular basis!

I feel resentful towards my stepson and his mum (for not providing him with a decent room) and my DH for not putting boundaries to people.

I want some space with just my DH and myself in our house! 2 evenings every 15 days is it too much to ask? 2 evenings where I don't have to think what is stepson going to eat (fussy eater) and of sitting in peace to maybe watch something like a film without someone barding in.

And even when I can walk around naked if I fell like it for goodness sake..

Not in a good place at all!

Being a stepmum can be really hard. Unless you have actually done it, you cannot know how hard it is.

It can also be lovely and wonderful at times.

I find it so upsetting when people say that step parents must love their step children in the same way as they would love their own children. Really? I don't have children of my own yet, but I imagine the love is overwhelming and unconditional. Because they are your child. You have brought them up with the rules and values that you think are appropriate.

When you're a step parent, it can feel at times that you are expected to be ready to go along with everything enthusiastically. You must not question anything, lest you be deemed an evil step parent.

The only thing you feel like you cannot involve yourself in is behaviour and rules. Because they're not your children, so it's not your place to do so.

So I can understand the OPs frustration. I don't think OP really thinks she should turf her stepson out, I think she is just stressed and finding it hard. Because when they're not your own children, you don't have the unconditional love that stops you from feeling sp frustrated when you don't get time to yourself. Thats all it is. Its not that you don't love them.

Btw, I love my stepson. He loves me too. We get on really well and I love spending time with him. But aspects of step parenting are very hard, and I don't think people should judge so harshly.

You sound truly awful op.

Your dss must feel the resentment oozing from you!

Let's face it WHO gets 2 nights free every 14days???

Hmm, well the dss's birth mother does. Well she gets more than that really. 14 nights out of 14 nights. Shame she doesn't want to step up and make a nice bedroom for her son to come home to so that she can spend some quality time with him. Couldn't imagine not doing that myself. Very sad for dss.

Because when they're not your own children, you don't have the unconditional love that stops you from feeling sp frustrated when you don't get time to yourself

There speaks someone who doesn't have children yet . Believe me, this 'unconditional' love doesn't stop DH or I from feeling complete and utter frustration at times in that we never, ever get a break from our DCs.

Can I just add, I have felt frustration at my step parenting role at times too. I would never ever let this show, I deal with it myself and move past it.

OP has never said that she does anything to show her frustration. There is nothing to suggest that she shows, or even feels resentment. She is just feeling frustrated, which is a normal thing to feel when you're finding something hard. It doesn't make you a bad person.

There are some nasty comments on here. OP was just looking for some advice and support.

A RP with a decent ex partner could reasonably expect the DC to go and stay with their other parent at least 2 nights out of 14.

I had a feeling someone might pick up on me not having children. But in the same way that I cannot fully understand what it is like to have children, if you don't have stepchildren, you cannot fully understand what it is like to have stepchildren.

I want to phrase that better but I can't. I love my stepson - I feel like I've phrased it in a way that could be interpreted differently.

I'm not trying to start an argument or act like I know everything. I just wanted to stand up abit for the OP who must be upset to be reading such harsh comments.

I feel a little bit as well that, its ok for a parent to say that their children are frustrating them and they need a break - but if a step parent says it they're deemed an evil step parent. It doesn't seem fair or make much sense to me.

I only picked up on you not having children because of your comment that I highlighted

The thing is, not having any time to yourself when you have DCs is par for the course. It can be bloody exhausting, relentless, and mind numbing, esp. when you're working f/t and/or have ill health, and so when someone complains that she doesn't get any time to just be with her DH and feels that her DSS should go off to his mothers 2 nights every fortnight then it's hard to be very sympathetic (esp when, for whatever reason he doesn't want to go).

I can totally understand why that kind of comment could be frustrating, and why it could be hard to feel sympathy when obviously you do not get a break either. I do see what you mean, and I can see it from both sides.

I just also know how hard being a step parent can be at times, and I felt that some of the comments that the OP received were really harsh.

I think the fact that a lot of us know what it's like to get no child free time means we can afford to be sympathetic to the OP. It is hard, most of us would love to have reliable available babysitters so we could occasionally spend some time with our partners / friends / alone. I think when it comes to the point that the child has another parent who doesn't pull their weight that the resentment can be quite overwhelming at times. I know there've been times when my DSS were up puking in the night and I was feeling ropey and had to look after the baby that I could've cursed their Mother for not doing her share so I could have a break.

I think people are being rather unkind, it's not too much to ask for you and your husband to have some time alone together. However it's not other peoples responsibility to look after the children.
If ds is a teenager he can entertain himself for a couple hours.
What does your husband think.
You must be doing something right for him to want to live with you instead of his own mum.

I had two nights off from DS, when I was in hospital having dd by c's.
So, not couple time. But I did get a few cups of tea

But that's not the point is it? The initial arrangement with DSs has changed and the plan for him to go tho his DM has folded.

Where is the OP?

I think when it comes to the point that the child has another parent who doesn't pull their weight that the resentment can be quite overwhelming at times.

Yes, absolutely.

Quite a lot of us know what it is like to be the resented step/child too
I have been both btw s/mum,s/child, child, mother
The best thing to do is to think of a child centr i c response imho
Boy needs a stable loving home, which he has
Nothing stopping a stepmum and dad either getting him to sit whilst they go out or getting a sitter in
Personally i would make the best of what i had available

I've just read my comment back and it reads abit cold - it wasn't meant to! I really can see it from the other side too, it was just the nasty comments from some posters that I found upsetting.

The OP only posted the OP and has not returned.

I know - some of the posts have been a bit eye-watering. I think the OP probably just touches a lot of raw nerves, from those who are step parents, or have been step parents, or who never, ever get a break from their DCs....the OP did read a bit like a litany of complaints from someone who is in precisely the same situation as thousands of us with DCs.

OP can get time alone with her dh.

1. Maybe SS could babysit her little one while they go out

1. Maybe she can get someone else to babysit

1. She could simply tell SS that they are having a film night in their bedroom and ask not to be disturbed for a few hours

There are other ways of getting alone time. All of us with teens run into this issue.

He obviously doesn't want to go round his mothers which is really sad and probably says a lot about her. As a kid I would have felt unwanted to have my SM trying to convince me to stay somewhere I don't want to go just so she can have some time alone.

Like it or not, it does send a message to the step child and not a nice one. OP needs time alone, trying to get a child to stay somewhere when he doesn't want to go isn't the best option.

We have no idea what is up with the mum but if she can't even be arsed to give him a proper sleeping place I very much doubt he feels wanted there.

how come you don;t do what most people do and get a baby sitter in every now n then and go out with your DH occasionally. Doesn't have to close family. Older teens or student age young peopleare quite capable of being awake and in charge for a few hours.

Friends with scatty 12 year old children ask a 21 year old back for uni holiday to sit for them. My childminders daughter ( age 16 tho to 20ish) has sat for us.

Lolly if the OP had started a thread saying she needed a break because of her stepsons behaviour/attitude she would have gotten a very different response.

This thread is about the fact that he would rather stay with his dad (and his step mum which makes it sadder) than go and sleep in a damp room at his mums. This is apparently getting in the way of quality time with her DH and she resents this kid for it.

Why not start a thread about his mum and the fact the his bedroom is damp? Or about wanting more time with her DH? I can guarantee that OP would have gotten lots of support and suggestions.

The reason this thread went the way it did is because the SS was the target, of course people will get defensive on his behalf. None of this is his fault.

I can't imagine anyone who has ever had kids woukd fail to understand the sheer frustration of never having any child free time. It's stifling. And when someone else has reneged on an agreement to look after a chikd (the stepson's mum) that is doubly frustrating.

What has got people's backs up here is the suggestion the stepson is in some way to blame and shoikd be absenting himself when there are clearly issues at his mum's place. If you're stressed and depressed it is very tempting to blame others. But that is not fair or helpful. Especially when the blamed person is a child.

Haven't read the full thread (I know - sorry!!) but a)does the OP know for a fact that her DSS's room is wet, and b)is anything being done to address the dampness?

Where is OP, anyway? sitting back with a huge bag of popcorn?