To expect STEPSON to go to his mum's every other weekend?

[slowcooker]

This is a rant to get it off my system because I'm fuming right now.

After a long negotiation we persuaded stepson to go to his mum's this weekend but he's not going now because apparently his room there is wet and small and blah blah blah a list long of excuses why he won't go.

When I got together with my DH, 7years ago, he had 50% custody of his 2 kids and they were with him 50% of the time. It was on a rolling rota basis to accommodate the ex's shift pattern. I would look forward to the (approx) 9 weekends a year we had without the kids! The years have gone by, both kids are teenagers now they are more independent, the eldest lives with the EX full time and the stepson with us full time (for the past 9 months). In the meantime we have our almost 3 year old DD. And I'm stuck in a battle to secure sometime for DH and me as a couple!

Things are rather bad between us. If having a child changes the dynamics in a relationship imagine having a child in a blended family!

That together with work pressures (I have been working full time since DD was 11 months) and general stresses are not helping my mental well being. I feel I've hit rock bottom recently. I had some other issues at work and resigned in December.
We've been so busy with an extension and this and that, that we've not even been able to relax and sit and watch telly for months on end until the NEW year. And even now it seems like we're passing ships all the time.

I don't have family around here and DH has a sister who is lovely and helpful but she's only ever babysat for us once in the last 3 years and I don't want to impose on her as she helped a lot with my DH's other 2 kids when they were little.

At the moment whilst my DD is little the only solution to some quality time for us is to be in the house just the 2 of us (in the evenings I mean after little one has gone to bed) as we don't get to see each other as a couple any more. In any case we were never the going out type (just cinema really) but rather we would go on days out, bike excursions etc and stayed in for a nice meal and film.

I don't think this is too much to ask. I think we'll end up separating ourselves if we don't get some quality time together on a regular basis!

I feel resentful towards my stepson and his mum (for not providing him with a decent room) and my DH for not putting boundaries to people.

I want some space with just my DH and myself in our house! 2 evenings every 15 days is it too much to ask? 2 evenings where I don't have to think what is stepson going to eat (fussy eater) and of sitting in peace to maybe watch something like a film without someone barding in.

And even when I can walk around naked if I fell like it for goodness sake..

Not in a good place at all!

people who reach out for support are generally supported well on here people who think of children as a huge pain in the arse who need to get out of their house are usually pulled up on their posts

What a horrid woman you are!
2 Points

1. you bang on about it being your house.It isyour stepsons home

2)When you marry someone with children, as fat as he is concerned you are always going to play second fiddle to his kids

3)when you have kids , these things you mention are some of the things you sacrifice.

Well I don't think the op is being a bitch. Certainly not from what she has said in her post anyway. Some of the responses on this thread could be interpreted as that though.....

I don't think simply telling the OP that she is absolutely right would have been helpful.

I have to say I feel for her, but not because she can't boot her stepson out occasionally.

I honestly think that the OP is feeling overwhelmed and stressed by a lot of things in her life and rather than focusing on the real causes of the problems is instead scapegoating her stepson and thinking that everything would be perfectly fine if only he wasn't there.

I don't think that this is a justified or very healthy thing for the OP to do. To be honest I think she needs help with everything else that is going on, feeling overworked, a lack of time, too much stress.

I think simply saying to her 'poor you, yes you're right, isn't it awful' would have been unhelpful to both her and her stepson. Hopefully she will have taken onboard that her attitude towards her stepson is unkind and unfair. But I think she does need sympathy for the other things going on in her life and help dealing with them so she can stop focusing on her stepson so much and taking it out on him.

I don't think the OP is a bitch i think she is fed up and doesn't understand teenagers and wants him to go to his mums and is sulking because he wont go and prefers to stay at home with his dad

The thought of some woman (no offence meant by that) taking a dislike to your child and resenting them feels very painful doesn't it?

How does the thought of some woman treating your child as one of her own leave you feeling, then?
Treating a teen DSC and a toddler bio-child the same is one of the most ludicrous expectations I have ever read on MN.

The vitriol against SM on this thread doesn't surprise me; but the contradiction and inconsistency fucks me off no end - one day I'm a child-stealing bitch because I care about my DHs DCs, the next I'm an unfeeling cow for not loving them like my own DD.
I can't even miss them in my life without someone finding fault with it.

Ohh. Some of these responses are a bit harsh and personal.

It feels better than someone making my child feel unwanted and disliked frogstar. I can't think why anyone would answer that question differently .

Surely there's a balance between the two though?

I'm not saying she should feel the same way as she does about her own child but they should certainly be treated the same.

I can't think why anyone would answer that question differently

Can't you? Have you read any of the posts in the LP board? Or replies to SM on the step-board? Or situations like my own?

There are plenty of mums who resent their DCs stepmum for being nice - and would like for nothing better than to hear that their DCs dislike her because she's stereotypically Disney.

Surely there's a balance between the two though?

That balance varies from mother-to-mother though; a DSC relationship with their SM is entirely dependent on whether the DCs Mum believes the balance is right - not the DCs, not the DCs Dad, not the stepmum but the mum - the person who has the least direct involvement in the household.

Not all kids hate their step-parents you know? I loved my Stepmother dearly and was heartbroken when she passed away suddenly. I really do think YABU though. Like a PP said he didn't ask to be a step child and frankly all chances of nooky go out the window when you have DCs anyway. What would you do when DD turns 13? Book a babysitter/get Granny and Book a hotel for the night.

I just love how all step-parenting section regulars are lumped together as evil SM who can't wait until the DSC turn 18 and leave home.

FWIW I mainly use the forum to get help with a reforming Disney dad, a difficult ex who likes to pick and choose contact, long-distance travel since ex moved and how my friends and family still can't get their head around DSS being a part of my family.

Actually I do think anyone who marries a NRP is being incredibly naive to think that the child may want to change residency.

Most of the threads I see on SP are about partners not willing to be the parent and expecting the step parent to do the disciplining and childcare. I have a firm belief that owning a pair of testicles does not prevent you from being an equally good parent as a woman, whether RP or NRP. And all the bollocks about loving them as your own, my DSS has 2 parents already he loves him mum a lot and I want to enrich his life not start a maternal war with his mum. I think my relationship with DSS is good because I don't try to be his mother.

Really this thread is about a couple who need to make time for each other which is not a step parenting problem at all. If the op had posted in SP I would have said she needed to focus on the real problem and not blame her DSS.

I don't agree with you Frogstar. That may be the case in YOUR situation ie the mother having all the control etc but it is clearly not the case here.

sparkly that's not what you asked though. You asked why anyone would answer that question differently - nothing about the OP.

The fact that you have asked indicates you haven't read many of the posts on LP board - where there are regular posts expressing resentment for nice SM being in their DCs lives.

Even here on AIBU, those opinions are expressed regularly - often about SM who have been in the DSC lives for years!. Yes, they are often challenged here on MN - but that doesn't change the feelings nor the behaviour of Mum in RL.

There is a lot of projecting going on here. Clearly some peoples opinions are clouded by their personal situations.

The posters on this thread are not attacking all step parents, they just feel this particular one is in the wrong here.

Coming on and posting things like "Oh MN hates step parents any way" is unhelpful and dismissive.

I was responding only to your question frogstar. Your situation is a completely different thread.

molly have you read the whole thread?

There were a number of posts which collectively described the posters on the stepparenting board in a number of colourful ways. Thread titles from the stepparenting board were derided and used as evidence that stepparents were wicked and evil.
My own thread, describing my own situation, was used in that way - the poster has since apologised, but I can assure you that stepparents were attacked as a group on this thread.

I went out with a man who had 2 dcs for 4 years. No I didnt love them as much as I loved my own but I did love them and wouldnt have wanted them to go somewhere that made them unhappy.

The same with my own teen, yes I would have loved a night with just dp occasionally but he didnt want to go to his dads so that was the end of it. Instead we had to work around it.

..and some of the posters from this thread have resurrected old threads on the SParenting board to post [biscuits].

Very supportive.

frog which threads? I saw one that had a . On it which I thought was odd, possibly done to 'bump' it to the top but no biscuits that I could see.

OP, you are posting in the wrong place. If you had posted this is step parenting you would have got some support. I am a full time step parent and a bio mum, total of 4 kids. I have similar issues to you and I reach breaking point on a regular basis. Step parenting and parenting your own kids are completely different things, and imho step parenting is a million times harder, more thankless, and you get much less social support - especially from other mums! Step mothers need time to regain their sanity because their job is exceptionally tough and the pivotal relationship (with dp) is under strains that first family parents are not under, ie divided loyalties. I am frankly stunned at the replies you have got here. All I can assume is that very very few of these women are full time step parents, and therefore don't have a clue of what life as a step mother can be like. I don't think you sound like a horrible or nasty person at all. I think you sound like you need a break, which I completely understand. Next time PLEASE post in step parenting, you will get support on there!!

Frog - well said. Step mums are damned if they do and damned if they don't. we can never do anything right. The venom against step mothers is relentless and soul destroying, both on here and in RL.

thatisall What possible reason could that particular poster have had for bumping that particular post? - particularly given that the poster in question has directly referred, in a negative manner, to the title of that particular thread on this thread - which, I believe, is a breach of the MN talk guidelines.

This thread is an accurate representation of societies view of step mums - given the generations of conditioning, it's not surprising, but rather ironic, given the apparently progressive stance of members of the site in other aspects of life/parenting.

In terms of attitude towards stepmothers here on MN, the trend is definitely 1950's

I dont understand why the op d o esnt take advantage of having a live in babysitter :)

frog I agree it was bumped so that it could be referred to here, which is a bit off. But I don't see a load of biscuits . Not being arsey but I genuinely can't see a barrage of people attacking sm on the step parents board, I'm sorry but I can't.

Let's face it WHO gets 2 nights free every 14days??? I'm lucky to get 1 night every 14wks(my own dc) it sounds like you are very resentful and if it's getting to you that much maybe it's a break-up not a break you actually need!