To expect STEPSON to go to his mum's every other weekend?

[slowcooker]

This is a rant to get it off my system because I'm fuming right now.

After a long negotiation we persuaded stepson to go to his mum's this weekend but he's not going now because apparently his room there is wet and small and blah blah blah a list long of excuses why he won't go.

When I got together with my DH, 7years ago, he had 50% custody of his 2 kids and they were with him 50% of the time. It was on a rolling rota basis to accommodate the ex's shift pattern. I would look forward to the (approx) 9 weekends a year we had without the kids! The years have gone by, both kids are teenagers now they are more independent, the eldest lives with the EX full time and the stepson with us full time (for the past 9 months). In the meantime we have our almost 3 year old DD. And I'm stuck in a battle to secure sometime for DH and me as a couple!

Things are rather bad between us. If having a child changes the dynamics in a relationship imagine having a child in a blended family!

That together with work pressures (I have been working full time since DD was 11 months) and general stresses are not helping my mental well being. I feel I've hit rock bottom recently. I had some other issues at work and resigned in December.
We've been so busy with an extension and this and that, that we've not even been able to relax and sit and watch telly for months on end until the NEW year. And even now it seems like we're passing ships all the time.

I don't have family around here and DH has a sister who is lovely and helpful but she's only ever babysat for us once in the last 3 years and I don't want to impose on her as she helped a lot with my DH's other 2 kids when they were little.

At the moment whilst my DD is little the only solution to some quality time for us is to be in the house just the 2 of us (in the evenings I mean after little one has gone to bed) as we don't get to see each other as a couple any more. In any case we were never the going out type (just cinema really) but rather we would go on days out, bike excursions etc and stayed in for a nice meal and film.

I don't think this is too much to ask. I think we'll end up separating ourselves if we don't get some quality time together on a regular basis!

I feel resentful towards my stepson and his mum (for not providing him with a decent room) and my DH for not putting boundaries to people.

I want some space with just my DH and myself in our house! 2 evenings every 15 days is it too much to ask? 2 evenings where I don't have to think what is stepson going to eat (fussy eater) and of sitting in peace to maybe watch something like a film without someone barding in.

And even when I can walk around naked if I fell like it for goodness sake..

Not in a good place at all!

A lot of the responses on here are completely histrionic and vile. Poor old OP, she's understandably having difficult feelings!

OP, it seems like you have a good relationship with the lad - echoing posters who've said his room at his mums being crap seems like a cover for all sorts of other feelings. I'd talk to your DH and see if you can both try to gently find out why he's feeling this way.

If it can be fixed and he has a better relationship with his mum because of it, great, and added bonus you may have more time to yourselves if he's happy to stay with his mum sometimes. I think it's the kind of thing that can't be forced, though. If the not wanting to go to his mums can't be fixed, I wouldn't make him go, as it his home too and he'll just feel unwanted and resentful and it'll all spiral up.

Practically, to give you more space I'd actually sit down with him and just have a chat, explain how you as a person (not as a stepmum) are feeling stressed and exhausted about work and with little one and it's getting you down. And that you'd love a 'date night' say once every fortnight, and would he mind if on X date this month he could look after his little sister while you two went out for lunch/ stuff/had a movie night in his room upstairs while you and DH made a romantic meal downstairs? You all live in the same house, so I'm sure he knows what you've got on your plate, and if he's a reasonably sensitive teen and is affectionate toward you he may be happy to amuse himself. I'd pitch it as 'date night for us, treat night for DSS' and before the evening bring him down to the shops to get a big bag of pick and mix and a couple of films where things explode. Maybe you could get a babysitter some nights when the pattern is established, seeing how it goes?

Ideal situation is that he doesn't feel unwanted, you don't feel frustrated. Good luck!

I think many adoptive parents have even MORE issues to overcome. There are certainly a few here on MN who have had terrible experiences with adopting dc from difficult backgrounds and/or "in family" adoptions etc.

Yes this is true. But it is an entirely different set of issues from step parenting.

If you're spending your life planning how to get rid of your step children because you do not accept their place is not negotiable within your family unit, if the step parents preferred time is when the SC are not around then that's just unhealthy and wrong

I don't think the op is spending her life planning how to get rid of them. She's frustrated because she wants some time alone occasionally with her dh. I think its very unfair to suggest that the op is scheming to get rid of her dss, and nothing in her post demonstrates that. Maybe some step mothers do think like that, plenty don't. The problem here is that as soon as a sm posts with some issues, lots of other posters jump on, shouting that the sm is selfish, and she doesn't care, and what was she doing getting together with someone with children.... ad nauseum..... And in the end, amid the outrage, the insults, the condemnation, the sm's voice gets lost and fades away. And any hopes of support she might have had are dashed. Almost every single time on here.

Possibly.

I mentioned that because I was talking to a fc who was looking after a 7 month old for two weeks while the placement carer (who had cared for him since birth) went on holiday. I don't think that that baby would have 'chosen' to leave the person he saw as his mum to sit in a car seat for half the day with a stranger who barely looked at him.

I would assume that those foster carers believe that it will be fine if their foster kid's are being looked after for a short time by a responsible person. It sounds like the op was thinking that it would fine if her step-child was looked after for a short time by a responsible person - in this case, his actual mother.

Ican see why it is wrong for the kids, in both cases, and I would never do that. But I wouldn't say that those foster carers are evil cruel bitches, as seems to be the assumption with the op. I think that in most cases they haven't fully thought it through. I don't think that the op had fully thought it through either, because she is at the end of her tether and is struggling with her relationship with dp. It doesn't make her evil. I think some people could have been less aggressive with their opinions about her. If we'd just highlighted how this might make her dss feel, why she shouldn't treat him differently from her dc, and practical ways for her to get time with her dp, she might have agreed anyway. And she might feel better.

Panda - if the OP had simply posted "How can you make more time for romance/couple time when you have a toddler and a teenager in the house?", this would have been a very different thread and the OP would have received loads of advice and sympathy.

Sorry that ^ was for sequins.

Panderific - they are excellent suggestions.

Ditto re panderific.

Op, it's tough. And actually I feel that I want me time and us time with our teen. And I can't wander around the house either.

But I think deep down you should feel gratified that he wants to be in your household and family, you have clearly made him welcome and loved and that's not easy. So well done.

I think its a great idea to ask him to baby sit esp one of those weekends. And he may start being with friends too.

As a teen and as a teen of split parents he will be feeling v uncertain. Can you find the compromise that gives you some of what you want, with keeping him? You may come to see him as really yours, in due course.

The SKids and BioKids op was clearly new and got immediately informed of correct terms/acronyms as you can clearly see

Fight club on yahoo chat seems tame compared to this thread

The OP is credited for having a great relationship with a child she openly admits to resenting

GoshAnneGorilla Sure, but then that wouldn't be the whole story, would it? The OP's post is a volcano of rage and frustration and resentment - read between the emotion you can see the problems better. We're all human, and letting off steam in a bit of a tantrum on an online forum is fine and dandy.

Nowhere in her post is she threatening to lock him out of the house, nowhere is she voicing dislike of him as a kid, she's voicing frustration at having a huge amount of parenting for a stepchild, with what looks from her OP to be little or no help in terms of care time from the mother - one of the stepchild's parents. And her feelings are valid. I'm sure some people wouldn't be pissed off in that situation and would take to it like a duck to water, but I can recognise that lots of people would be deeply frustrated, and fuming because of it.

I'm of the opinion a bit of handholding and a virtual cup of tea is more helpful when someone's standing on the ledge and screaming at the sky than 'ooh you horrible person, bet you don't love him AT ALL you mean witch' type responses. Not directed at you, just some of the responses on this thread seem unhinged and very unrealistic to me.

You meet a stepchild as an already formed human, and you can't force love. If you grow to love them great, if it happens naturally instantly, great. But even if you don't love-love them, you can still parent them and care for them in a positive way, which is what I was advising with the not making him go see his mum etc.

I'm personally aware of a lot of foster carers who definitely would get a flaming here based on some of the expressed opinions.

I know foster Carers who refuse to attend police custody in the middle of the night to collect their FC because "the DC is safe" so they'll come in the morning. foster carers who carry on with their usual day-to-day career and family life after their FC has been reported missing, and yes, foster carers who go on holiday for 2 weeks knowing that their FC will abscond from the respite care the minute they leave.

Yet, these are carers who are generally regarded as some of the most effective and are relied on to deal with the most challenging of teens.

I doubt those carers would claim to love their FC - or even like them very much!

Foster parenting and adoptive parenting are not the same as stepparent ing. Not by a long chalk.
dSCs come as part of a package when getting together with a "mate" who has DCs. Adoption comes about when a person has a desire to have a child and undergoes a complicated and protracted process to achieve that end.
When a person is a step parent, there is usually another parent involved. The child often has both a mother and a stepmother.

I don't think the op is BU to want some time with her DH.
But the "solution" highlights the difference between DC and DSC.

Monetbyhimself Having private feelings of resentment and rage is okay, though. It's the actions that count, and I don't think she's been horrible to the DSS in any way. You're not somehow immune to feelings of jealousy, resentment, rage and the whole bag of negative emotions because you're a grown up and a parent - that's just unrealistic IMO and it's not fair to slam people for having negative emotions. What matters is not allowing them to impact on the kid and finding ways to improve things so it's less of a problem.

OP is obviously posting here to vent and can obviously see it's not a good situation. I just think practical solutions are more helpful.

Pandarific you know NOTHING about how this child has been treated, and the comments about his fussy eating, and him wanting to be in the same room to watch a movie suggest more than a fleeing resentment.

There are many fantastic and amazing step mothers kn this world. I have one myself

But there are also plenty of selfish and immature women whose own needs trump those of the children whose lives they have CHOSEN to br part of.

whatgoshannegorilla said really if the poster came on and said oh goodness me i am swamped with kids i need some peace with my husband we would all be behind her giving support and advice, as i said before she is treating this boy her husbands son as an inconvenience and a possible factor in a breakup of her relationship, there is lots of ways you can spend time with your partner when you have teens in the house you just need to be inventive

Monetbyhimself Exactly - we know nothing about how he's been treated! Idk, it's possible he's being badly treated but as OP hasn't been back to give more information we don't know.

TBH I didn't read it as anything more than a frustrated rant at never having any time off - from making fussy-friendly meals, any time alone to watch a film with just their DH. I really don't think it's 'selfish and immature' for her to want that occasionally. She never mentions acting on the resentment, just feeling it - two very different things. I'm just going on what she said in her OP as we don't know any more.

the op didnt say if her own child was fussy or a bother though just the older one she wants him to go to his mums he doesnt want to go to his mums that is what she is moaning about

mrsjay I agree, I think this is about treating the kids differently. I don't think they should be treated differently, which is why I said upthread don't make the DSS go to stay with his mum that weekend if he doesn't want to, as that'll impact badly on the DSS.

But. What's bugging me about some of the responses on here is that they're attacking the OP for her feelings - which by definition are out of a person's control! You can't force it - so she may feel resentful of some of DSS's demands (like fussy eating) where she may not feel resentful of her own one's demands to the same extent.

Privately feeling this way is understandable. Acting on it is not. And I just can't see anywhere in her OP where she suggests that she is - both her and her DH tried to arrange the going to his mums for the weekend, not just her, and he wasn't forced to go when he didn't want to.

Maybe I'm wrong, I'm just saying going on what she's said in the OP I can't see anything to justify the kicking she's getting. Bowing out now, time to go make a chilli!

TBH i think it is the words she used that got our backs up I am not saying she should use fluffy words but it does to a lot of look like she is resenting the boy as it isn't her own child, everybody is entitled to their feelings negative or otherwise but sometimes seeing them written down can shock people, IF the op said I dont like my step son (which I dont think is true) she would have got the same response

I think it taps into everyone's fear that people won't like or be kind to their children. The thought of some woman (no offence meant by that) taking a dislike to your child and resenting them feels very painful doesn't it? The idea that your child might have to spend time with someone who may not be nice to them and YOU as a parent have no say in that.

Poor op.
Teenagers are annoying. They just are. When I was a teenager my parents were annoying.
And I can imagine that someone else's teenager, (albeit one with whom you have a "parenting" relationship) might be even more so.
I know it's not the poor boy's fault. And his needs, as the child, come first imo. But I can imagine it might feel frustrating to have someone there all the time if you were expecting otherwise.
Tbh, I find it annoying. That I can't send DH off somewhere every so often.

The majority of these responses are vile - this is a fellow human reaching out for support. And we wonder why we get referred to as a nest of vipers.

OP - I hope you've stopped reading this vitriol and gone somewhere where there is some human compassion - for ALL the members of a blended family.

I feel a lot more compassion for the stepson, who in theory has two homes but doesn't appear to be welcome in either of them.

these responses have been as honest as the OP has been I feel sorry for the boy it isnt his fault his step mum cant cope with him in the house all the time. we all have to suck it up when we have kids teenager especially and need a break , I dont treat my children as an inconvenience though

Reaching out for support or bitching about a child who doesn't want to be kicked out of his home on a regular basis so that the OP can strut around naked ?