To expect STEPSON to go to his mum's every other weekend?

[slowcooker]

This is a rant to get it off my system because I'm fuming right now.

After a long negotiation we persuaded stepson to go to his mum's this weekend but he's not going now because apparently his room there is wet and small and blah blah blah a list long of excuses why he won't go.

When I got together with my DH, 7years ago, he had 50% custody of his 2 kids and they were with him 50% of the time. It was on a rolling rota basis to accommodate the ex's shift pattern. I would look forward to the (approx) 9 weekends a year we had without the kids! The years have gone by, both kids are teenagers now they are more independent, the eldest lives with the EX full time and the stepson with us full time (for the past 9 months). In the meantime we have our almost 3 year old DD. And I'm stuck in a battle to secure sometime for DH and me as a couple!

Things are rather bad between us. If having a child changes the dynamics in a relationship imagine having a child in a blended family!

That together with work pressures (I have been working full time since DD was 11 months) and general stresses are not helping my mental well being. I feel I've hit rock bottom recently. I had some other issues at work and resigned in December.
We've been so busy with an extension and this and that, that we've not even been able to relax and sit and watch telly for months on end until the NEW year. And even now it seems like we're passing ships all the time.

I don't have family around here and DH has a sister who is lovely and helpful but she's only ever babysat for us once in the last 3 years and I don't want to impose on her as she helped a lot with my DH's other 2 kids when they were little.

At the moment whilst my DD is little the only solution to some quality time for us is to be in the house just the 2 of us (in the evenings I mean after little one has gone to bed) as we don't get to see each other as a couple any more. In any case we were never the going out type (just cinema really) but rather we would go on days out, bike excursions etc and stayed in for a nice meal and film.

I don't think this is too much to ask. I think we'll end up separating ourselves if we don't get some quality time together on a regular basis!

I feel resentful towards my stepson and his mum (for not providing him with a decent room) and my DH for not putting boundaries to people.

I want some space with just my DH and myself in our house! 2 evenings every 15 days is it too much to ask? 2 evenings where I don't have to think what is stepson going to eat (fussy eater) and of sitting in peace to maybe watch something like a film without someone barding in.

And even when I can walk around naked if I fell like it for goodness sake..

Not in a good place at all!

This isn't about love, IMO, it's about how you behave

I like notso's post

Good point though random

The OP has said she'd "at the end of her tether".

IMO, when people say that then we should listen and be gentle.

But OP hasn't behaved badly. She is just venting, on an anonymous site, her feelings. I don't think she deserves to be flamed for that.

Random, yes my husband has a close bond with his bio children.

I think yabvu. your home is your stepson's home too.

I think yabvu. your home is your stepson's home too.

Oh heavens, don't start saying bio this and that, this thread will positivelyimplode.

That would probably be a good thing though.

I think there's an unfortunate line if thinking on MN at times that thought = action and this particularly applies in cases of SMs and SC seems to be regarded as having almost super-human perception as to when someone is having negative thoughts about them. This has not been my experience - there are days my DSSs irritate the hell out of me, there are days that my DSs irritate the hell out of me - they all seem to share the same level of oblivious contentment about this.

Dear lord don't refer to biochildren - that's considerably more offensive than skids to many.

Cross posted Beverley

If your DSS is aware of your feelings, and would still prefer to stay in your home rather his mums, how bad is that relationship? The boy needs love and stability, which it seems to me is what he's craving.

If he's not picked up on them, he's obviously much happier with you and his dad, so all credit to you.

My DS1 is 14 and he can pick up my mood simply by the way I come in the house from work in the evening. Teenagers have much thinner skin than they might lead you to believe, so be very careful.

I do wonder how adoptive and foster parents can and do love their children as if they had given birth to them but step parents are not expected to because its so much harder for them? Why is it?

From a practical point of view though, I don't think it is the right thing to do to force him to go to his mums, even though you don't feel the same way about him, it doesn't mean that he should be treated any differently. I wouldn't force my own kids out of the house for two days, so I would never let my DSS get treated like that. It's an easy rule of thumb to use, I think.

It would be a much better idea to work on getting him to settle in his room for the evening. DSS is happy as Larry with a couple of donuts, mine craft and his headphones. If we want privacy we just tell him to knock on the living room door if he wants us. What's your layout like op? Has he got stuff to do upstairs?

Sparkly, maybe because step children generally already have two parents, and don't actually need a third parent. I know my DSS was very clear that he did not want me to try and act like his Mum when we first met. We have a great relationship, but he would hate it if I tried to be his Mum, and I respect that.

Good point notaddicted but in the OP's case his mother is clearly disinterested and uninvolved.

I'm not sure that foster parents actually do love foster children as if they gave birth to them. Not to say that they couldn't, but this would be very bad for their mental well being to step over that boundary. They would be bereft when that child moved on to go back to their birth family or be adopted.
As for step parents, well they aren't the childs parents. It doesn't mean they couldn't love that child as much as if they had given birth to them, but quite often the child already has two parents. They call the shots and make the decisions and the step parent generally doesn't have a huge say in all of this. The step parent is often hated and blamed for everything that has gone wrong, even if they weren't around when the parents split. I would imagine emotionally that step parents take a step back for self preservation reasons.
For an adoptive parent the situation is very different and they do not have any of these issues to deal with.

And I don't think foster parents are expected to love their foster children as if they have birth to them. If anything I thought foster families were encouraged to keep a little back as the children most likely won't remain with them and could well have their own families to go back to. Adoptive parents become the child's parents - they are expected to love the children like their own because they are their own.

I also think many Mums don't particularly want their DC's stepmums to lie and treat the children like their own.

Lie = love

I also think many Mums don't particularly want their DC's stepmums to love and treat the children like their own.

Exactly.

I think many adoptive parents have even MORE issues to overcome. There are certainly a few here on MN who have had terrible experiences with adopting dc from difficult backgrounds and/or "in family" adoptions etc.

You're also right that maybe their mothers don't want their dc to be loved as if they're their own but my point is that many step mothers posting here seem to have a deep seated resentment, they don't HAVE to love them but they do have accept their place in the family comes equally to their own children.

If you're spending your life planning how to get rid of your step children because you do not accept their place is not negotiable within your family unit, if the step parents preferred time is when the SC are not around then that's just unhealthy and wrong.

Well I agree with you on that sparkly. I'm a resident SM and have been my DSSs primary care giver for years so, as it happens, I actually do love my DSSs pretty much the same as my DSs and they're certainly all treated the same . I don't understand stepparents, particularly non resident ones, who can't make an effort to make their DSC feel welcome and included if only for their partner's sake. Some people shouldn't be stepparents - it's too easy to cause damage and then hold your hands up and say it's not my responsibility.

You sound lovely Bruthas .

I agree with the observation that step-parents take a step back. I think that in many ways their roles are quite similar to that of a foster carer. The children can be taken away at any time. They do not have any real say over decisions that matter. They are not the mother/father - they already have those. They take the role of caring for somebody else's children while they are with them, treating them the way all kids deserve to be treated: in a loving way, with respect and kindness. But this is all quite different to actually 'loving them as their own'.

Foster carers have respite care, which is basically what the op is asking for. Now, I have a problem with respite care for foster carers (as I do the prospect of shipping out step-kids), but I would almost certainly get roasted if I went over to fostering and adoption and suggested that the carers there who took advantage of it were being cruel.

Do all the posters above who think that what the op is suggesting is cruel agree with me that respite care is cruel to foster kids. Is there a difference?

Will the foster kids respite involve spending time with someone they really don't want to and will the room be "wet" and not fit for purpose?