To expect STEPSON to go to his mum's every other weekend?

[slowcooker]

This is a rant to get it off my system because I'm fuming right now.

After a long negotiation we persuaded stepson to go to his mum's this weekend but he's not going now because apparently his room there is wet and small and blah blah blah a list long of excuses why he won't go.

When I got together with my DH, 7years ago, he had 50% custody of his 2 kids and they were with him 50% of the time. It was on a rolling rota basis to accommodate the ex's shift pattern. I would look forward to the (approx) 9 weekends a year we had without the kids! The years have gone by, both kids are teenagers now they are more independent, the eldest lives with the EX full time and the stepson with us full time (for the past 9 months). In the meantime we have our almost 3 year old DD. And I'm stuck in a battle to secure sometime for DH and me as a couple!

Things are rather bad between us. If having a child changes the dynamics in a relationship imagine having a child in a blended family!

That together with work pressures (I have been working full time since DD was 11 months) and general stresses are not helping my mental well being. I feel I've hit rock bottom recently. I had some other issues at work and resigned in December.
We've been so busy with an extension and this and that, that we've not even been able to relax and sit and watch telly for months on end until the NEW year. And even now it seems like we're passing ships all the time.

I don't have family around here and DH has a sister who is lovely and helpful but she's only ever babysat for us once in the last 3 years and I don't want to impose on her as she helped a lot with my DH's other 2 kids when they were little.

At the moment whilst my DD is little the only solution to some quality time for us is to be in the house just the 2 of us (in the evenings I mean after little one has gone to bed) as we don't get to see each other as a couple any more. In any case we were never the going out type (just cinema really) but rather we would go on days out, bike excursions etc and stayed in for a nice meal and film.

I don't think this is too much to ask. I think we'll end up separating ourselves if we don't get some quality time together on a regular basis!

I feel resentful towards my stepson and his mum (for not providing him with a decent room) and my DH for not putting boundaries to people.

I want some space with just my DH and myself in our house! 2 evenings every 15 days is it too much to ask? 2 evenings where I don't have to think what is stepson going to eat (fussy eater) and of sitting in peace to maybe watch something like a film without someone barding in.

And even when I can walk around naked if I fell like it for goodness sake..

Not in a good place at all!

Monet - there are 27 post on that thread - one poster used the terms SKid and BioKids, one poster explained why it may be an ok abbreviation if written exactly like that and every other poster used DSC or stepkids.

sam Did you read my thread? Do you want to know WHY I asked?

My DHs DCs (who I no longer refer to as my DSC as it creates too much conflict for them) have been repeatedly punished, emotionally and physically, for referring to their Dad and I as family.

I have had the two DCs that I loved and cared for in the way this thread promotes ripped from my life, my DD has been devastated to lose her much loved weekend companions and step-siblings and our home is filled with reminders of DCs who have rejected me. We have holiday photos, handwritten notes, stray socks, personalised bowls and bedrooms. Providing all of these things is the reason that my DH has lost his DCs.

So, when you tell people they know what they are getting into, you might want to consider warning them about the heartache they'll face.

sinister she sounds horrid. Lucky the children have you

Brutha the passive aggressive strike through shit very clearly sets the tone of 'don't use the term because some silly women find it offensive'. Not one person on that thread has stated that 'they' find it offensive.

Ye

Yes yh

Yes they have Monet and within the first 5 or 6 posts.

sinister FWIW i would have supported you on a thread about that , I dont think there is bad feelings about step parents there is bad feelings when a step parent is just nasty and horrible about step children wanting to brush them aside

I cant bring myself to look at the step parenting board but can imagine what its like, all the childs/exs fault never the step parent.

Its the children who have to live with it and some will have many issues as an adult. Far too many PWC move in a new man who resents the child likewise NRP gets a new partner who resents them. Then there's new half siblings who are almost always favoured leading to the original child/children feeling second best. And the worst thing is adults do this by choice to defenceless children.

sinister. I'm with mrsjay and feel I would have supported you. Sorry that you were flamed like that.

YANBU wanting some space. I have a teenager, a 20 month old and a 9yo and 3 yo in between.
It is hard being Mum from 5:30 am after a broken nights sleep until 10:00 pm. We get half an hour together usually.
Sometimes DH and I have to tell DD that we want the evening to ourselves and pack her off to bed early with a DVD. Letting her have a friend to stay over helps as they are happy to lounge round in her bedroom.
You need to deal with your SS the same way you will need to deal with your DC when she grows up.

happy. There are some lovely threads on there, really lovely threads that are heart warming and make me hopeful for the relationship my dd has with her step family. But there are a lot of threads that seem to consider the dsc as an inconvenience.

Apologies. One person has stated that they personally find the term offensive.

It must be hard being a step parent. Hard being a step child as well. I don't have any answers. If the room at his mums house is damp then its not really suitable. On the plus side he must prefer living with you. I can understand why you want some time alone with dh. I think being a step parent is a big thing. You care for a child who isn't yours, but you don't really get a say on how things are as they already have a set of parents. I don't think you deserve the flaming you have got on here really. I don't think you sound selfish, its a big thing to step into a ready made family and take on the majority of the care. Its not your step sons fault that things are like this though, but I think you know that really.

in a non blended family the parents might "ship" their dc off to gp occasionally to get some couple time so what is the problem with the op doing it? Could you sort out a gp weekend for all dc?

it also shows that the ss does enjoy living with the op as he doesn't want to go away and it is a shame he does not want to visit his mum. It is also a shame that his mum doesn't provide a nice room for him to stay in. Am assuming the other ss visits the op.

wanting some couple time is not a crime and it shouldn't be seen as her sacking off her ss.

but it isn't the as' fault and feeling resentment to him is harmful to your relationship with him and not productive - productive would be finding alternatives such as gp - make it nice time for him as well as alone time for you.

Frogstar I'm on phone right now but I'm sorry for the heart ache you faced and apologises for pulling your thread into the discussion without reading your post fully.

I stand by my opinion that there is some disgusting stuff on that board but your OP wasn't one of them and I should have read it fully.

I hope you can accept my apology, I am sorry.

it is not getting time away from the teen people are upset about it is the Op furious and negative words about a boy she obviously finds an inconvenience

It isnt just this pesky stepson you she need out of the way for quality time, what about your dc?
This is what having a family is like, shock horror!
Myself and dp dont get much QT, in fact, when older dd in bed and baby dd asleep between feeds and not asleep ourselves is about it, but we made the choice to have kids, its worth it. DCs will be adults eventually and wont want to be around so much so treasure it! And basically put up or shut up! The fact he is a stepchild shouldnt come into the factor of your QT. If you can see yourselves seperating then there must be more to it than this.

With due respect to all that commented I have been a step child since I was 6 plus I am the step parent to 2 children who live with me full time.

Slow cooker, I understand that you want time away from your stepson but I can't see how you can make him go without coming across as a bit of a cow and without potentially making your stepson feel very unwelcome and I loved in his OWN house.

Can't you just go to bed earlier or get up later or arrange for your DH to come home early from work while your stepson is at school.

What about hanging out in your bedroom with your DH (or in the new extension?)

Hopefully, In a few years your stepson will be off to Uni and you can have time with your DH and your DD.

(Missing the fact you can't walk around nude is a pretty crappy reason to want your stepson to leave the house. )

ziplex. Ok?

If she found him an inconvenience then no doubt she would be complaining about having him at all, which she isn't. Obviously her dss must prefer being there. The op is allowed to rant. I don't think she's being unpleasant, just being shot down in flames for her feelings. Because shes obviously the wicked step monster. How does that help anyone? It really doesn't. I really think that theres a lot of self projection on these threads sometimes.

Do those parents who love their step-kids as much as their bio kids actually have a strong bond with their own kids? Not all love is equal. I love my own kids so much that I could rip my own skin off to spare them the same. I couldn't do this for my stepson, or my husband, even though I do love and care for them. It's unrealistic to expect stepparents to love their step-kids 'as if they were their own'. And I don't think it would be the norm, even though I hear it bandied about on here all the time.

I know it can be an uncomfortable fact for seperated parents to accept. If step-parents loved their stepkids unconditionally then bio parents would have less scope to feel guilty about having seperated/having to be absent. I don't need to feel guilty about being absent from the picture, if I've got a replacement who feels/acts exactly the same way I do, do I?

I don't think your mistake was posting in the wrong section op, I think your mistake was posting here at all. There are a lot of people feeling a lot of guilt about their own kids, you're an easy target. The unfortunate thing is, as you've seen, you can only talk about your real feelings about it when you are strong enough to withstand the inevitable onslaught of anger and self righteousness, and you only really need to talk about it when you feel vulnerable.