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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect STEPSON to go to his mum's every other weekend?

701 replies

slowcooker · 17/01/2014 20:10

This is a rant to get it off my system because I'm fuming right now.

After a long negotiation we persuaded stepson to go to his mum's this weekend but he's not going now because apparently his room there is wet and small and blah blah blah a list long of excuses why he won't go.

When I got together with my DH, 7years ago, he had 50% custody of his 2 kids and they were with him 50% of the time. It was on a rolling rota basis to accommodate the ex's shift pattern. I would look forward to the (approx) 9 weekends a year we had without the kids! The years have gone by, both kids are teenagers now they are more independent, the eldest lives with the EX full time and the stepson with us full time (for the past 9 months). In the meantime we have our almost 3 year old DD. And I'm stuck in a battle to secure sometime for DH and me as a couple!

Things are rather bad between us. If having a child changes the dynamics in a relationship imagine having a child in a blended family!

That together with work pressures (I have been working full time since DD was 11 months) and general stresses are not helping my mental well being. I feel I've hit rock bottom recently. I had some other issues at work and resigned in December.
We've been so busy with an extension and this and that, that we've not even been able to relax and sit and watch telly for months on end until the NEW year. And even now it seems like we're passing ships all the time.

I don't have family around here and DH has a sister who is lovely and helpful but she's only ever babysat for us once in the last 3 years and I don't want to impose on her as she helped a lot with my DH's other 2 kids when they were little.

At the moment whilst my DD is little the only solution to some quality time for us is to be in the house just the 2 of us (in the evenings I mean after little one has gone to bed) as we don't get to see each other as a couple any more. In any case we were never the going out type (just cinema really) but rather we would go on days out, bike excursions etc and stayed in for a nice meal and film.

I don't think this is too much to ask. I think we'll end up separating ourselves if we don't get some quality time together on a regular basis!

I feel resentful towards my stepson and his mum (for not providing him with a decent room) and my DH for not putting boundaries to people.

I want some space with just my DH and myself in our house! 2 evenings every 15 days is it too much to ask? 2 evenings where I don't have to think what is stepson going to eat (fussy eater) and of sitting in peace to maybe watch something like a film without someone barding in.

And even when I can walk around naked if I fell like it for goodness sake..

Not in a good place at all!

OP posts:
mrsjay · 18/01/2014 11:25

you are actually serious about this aren't you his child is living with his dad and you want a break from his child so you can get time alone, welcome to life with children love grow up and accept that this teenager does not want to see his mother for whatever reason

mrsjay · 18/01/2014 11:26

your post is actually making me cringe quality time together do you really belive that guff you have read somewhere

mrsjay · 18/01/2014 11:27

and when your own child is a teen do you not think she will be barging in on you being well a teenager

Thatisall · 18/01/2014 11:33

I just read a few threads on the step parents section and I'm Shock the open dislike and mocking of innocent children has really upset me.
"Leave dh and his 'dc' clinging together on the sofa', adding a mini fridge to my 'skid survival kit', 'the rear thing about being a step parent is you can completely disengage and shut them out and it isn't classed as neglect'.
This is just a selection. Oh and yes rather than referring to them as sc or dsc like you would here, there they are skids like you would find in dirty people's pants. Am horrified and now understand why people recommended that the OP post there. Clearly she would be amongst friends

SinisterBuggyMonth · 18/01/2014 11:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thatisall · 18/01/2014 11:49

Sinister if you have your dsc full time then she should be paying you maintenance? Not the other way around. I can't imagine why posters would have reacted that way even on AIBU as I tend to find them quite active on the ol' equality front.

Monetbyhimself · 18/01/2014 11:55

Thatisall step parents on this forum will defend the use of the term 'Skids' til they're frothing at the keyboard. It's a vile term.

MadIsTheNewNormal · 18/01/2014 11:56

And if you think you can get quality time with your DH once your own DD is in bed, if it were not for the pesky SS getting in the way, then what will happen when your own children are too old to put to bed at 7.30?

Oh hang on - that will be different, because they will be yours and you won't resent them.

Sallystyle · 18/01/2014 11:57

Yeah, I just looked on the Step-parenting board. Wow.

BruthasTortoise · 18/01/2014 11:58

I hear ya Sinister. I once got called petty and jealous because I was pissed off at DH (then DP) stopping on the way to get the kids 8 hours early from their first overnight with their mum in months to buy her and er DP the papers and coffee at her request. Turns out I should've been delighted that she couldn't 'cope' with them, overjoyed that we were getting the kids home early and have sympathy for the fact that she obviously missed her kids so much that she would need a nice cosy day with her DP to get over it. Hmm

BeverleyMoss · 18/01/2014 12:01

I did indeed report sparklysilver but it seems it's ok to insult a whole group of posters on the site because they are step mothers, regardless of whether or not they may actually be good step mothers.

But I guess you think there's no such thing as a good step mother.

BeverleyMoss · 18/01/2014 12:04

And that's bullshit monet I don't know any seasoned MN step mothers who use or defend the use of 'skids'

Sallystyle · 18/01/2014 12:05

One of the questions on there

'Do you consider your skids to be a part of your family?'

To think that there are people out there who don't is shocking.

A bit like my step mum thought I was just something she stood on.

anothernumberone · 18/01/2014 12:07

The step parent board on here is a real eye opener. Often I feel that the Disney step mothers of which there are many on that board would be better interacting with the foster parents to see how others give of themselves to look after other people's children they willingly took on. If you are in a relationship with a man who already had children then you willingly took them on.

Sallystyle · 18/01/2014 12:09

And once again I count my blessings that my children have two fantastic step parents. Their father died recently and their step mother is still helping to support them and comes and sees them as much as possible and calls them every day.

That is what a good step parent is.

gamerchick · 18/01/2014 12:09

Man there are some people on this thread who need to give their heads a serious wobble.

BruthasTortoise · 18/01/2014 12:10

Sam did you actually read the thread? Because barring one poster who have never met her DSC every other person said of course they were part of the family. A badly worded OP does not an argument make.

Also the post about mini fridges etc didn't refer to skids (which is a terrible term) but to step kids which is entirely acceptable.

Sallystyle · 18/01/2014 12:12

I did, lots of sad stories on there.

I read a few threads, most of them quite sad.

Thatisall · 18/01/2014 12:13

After reading the step parents board I thank god for my Dh and how well he treats my dd. I do however think that my sf would have been right at home on there. Incidentally i had to have counselling to get over some of his treatment.

If I thought for a second that my dd sm was thought of in the ways that the board describes, I'd consider ceasing access

Alisvolatpropiis · 18/01/2014 12:14

Apologies for being so rude op.

Thatisall · 18/01/2014 12:14

Bruthas there are multiple used of the term skids in oPs and comments throughout the board. I think it's horrendous

Monetbyhimself · 18/01/2014 12:16

BeverlyMoss I've just bumped one charming thread on step parents about the term Skids and users justifying it's use. Perhaps you could take a look before calling bullshit ?

BruthasTortoise · 18/01/2014 12:17

Ofcourse it's horrendous but the vast majority of posters on the SP board don't use it - there are a lot of women who use that board to try and cope with difficult situations regarding their DSC and to write them all off as evil stepmothers is unfair, in the same way has we wouldn't write the posters in parenting who are struggling with their own kids off as shit mothers. I think picking and choosing the posts which support you're own viewpoint is bad form is all.

TorrentialLorraine · 18/01/2014 12:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FrogStarandRoses · 18/01/2014 12:21

sam Did you read my thread? Do you want to know WHY I asked?

My DHs DCs (who I no longer refer to as my DSC as it creates too much conflict for them) have been repeatedly punished, emotionally and physically, for referring to their Dad and I as family.

I have had the two DCs that I loved and cared for in the way this thread promotes ripped from my life, my DD has been devastated to lose her much loved weekend companions and step-siblings and our home is filled with reminders of DCs who have rejected me. We have holiday photos, handwritten notes, stray socks, personalised bowls and bedrooms. Providing all of these things is the reason that my DH has lost his DCs.

So, when you tell people they know what they are getting into, you might want to consider warning them about the heartache they'll face.