To expect STEPSON to go to his mum's every other weekend?

[slowcooker]

This is a rant to get it off my system because I'm fuming right now.

After a long negotiation we persuaded stepson to go to his mum's this weekend but he's not going now because apparently his room there is wet and small and blah blah blah a list long of excuses why he won't go.

When I got together with my DH, 7years ago, he had 50% custody of his 2 kids and they were with him 50% of the time. It was on a rolling rota basis to accommodate the ex's shift pattern. I would look forward to the (approx) 9 weekends a year we had without the kids! The years have gone by, both kids are teenagers now they are more independent, the eldest lives with the EX full time and the stepson with us full time (for the past 9 months). In the meantime we have our almost 3 year old DD. And I'm stuck in a battle to secure sometime for DH and me as a couple!

Things are rather bad between us. If having a child changes the dynamics in a relationship imagine having a child in a blended family!

That together with work pressures (I have been working full time since DD was 11 months) and general stresses are not helping my mental well being. I feel I've hit rock bottom recently. I had some other issues at work and resigned in December.
We've been so busy with an extension and this and that, that we've not even been able to relax and sit and watch telly for months on end until the NEW year. And even now it seems like we're passing ships all the time.

I don't have family around here and DH has a sister who is lovely and helpful but she's only ever babysat for us once in the last 3 years and I don't want to impose on her as she helped a lot with my DH's other 2 kids when they were little.

At the moment whilst my DD is little the only solution to some quality time for us is to be in the house just the 2 of us (in the evenings I mean after little one has gone to bed) as we don't get to see each other as a couple any more. In any case we were never the going out type (just cinema really) but rather we would go on days out, bike excursions etc and stayed in for a nice meal and film.

I don't think this is too much to ask. I think we'll end up separating ourselves if we don't get some quality time together on a regular basis!

I feel resentful towards my stepson and his mum (for not providing him with a decent room) and my DH for not putting boundaries to people.

I want some space with just my DH and myself in our house! 2 evenings every 15 days is it too much to ask? 2 evenings where I don't have to think what is stepson going to eat (fussy eater) and of sitting in peace to maybe watch something like a film without someone barding in.

And even when I can walk around naked if I fell like it for goodness sake..

Not in a good place at all!

Being a parent is a full time job and we all have times where we would love to have a break. I can't really think of any advise not already said but although it is normal family life, I do sympathize with you needing some time with your dh.

Sparklysequins has it absolutely spot on. Even the capitalising of the word "stepson" speaks volumes, what were you expecting people to say "Yes dear, he's just a glorified lodger, screw him"?

If you'd done a post asking about how to get some privacy/couple time with a teenager in the house, you would have almost certainly received lots of tips and advice - like the one upthread about going to bed early with some wine and a DVD.

One can only hope that setting it out on here might be cathartic for OP and she won't allow these feelings to be made known to her husband's son.

I sympathise. I would hate to live with someone else's children. I would feel everything you feel.

But you know, that's why I would never have got involved with a man who was already a father. You knew what the deal was OP. I bet the children wish their father and mother were still a couple and they could erase you from the picture too. I bet they'd swap you for their mother in a heartbeat. You're not the only one in that house who wishes they could shuffle the players.

This is what happens when you settle down with a man who already has children and is fully committed to them. Suck it up.

You sound spoilt and sulky.

I am surprised you even see the teenager to be honest. I have thre three and apart from feeding time they barely leave their rooms.

Your post is all about you op!

Oh, yes, how fucking unreasonable, a woman wanting some time to herself, some loving time with her partner, how utterly selfish.

What a miserable selfish bitch, she would actually like her life to revolve a teensy bit around her choices, her needs, her pastimes, what a selfish cow, you are only a true MN woman if you totally and utterly devote all your time, efforts and money to your DCs, but EVEN MORE SO AND FOREVER if you have step dcs.

So, OP, either go and slash your wrists now because the next dozen years or so of your life are to be wholly at the whim of your DSS and only your DSS who takes TOTAL priority over everything else in life due to the fuck up which was your DP's previous relationship and the projected guilt that MNers then put on you and your DP because of this, despite it being nothing to do with you.

OR .... do your most to get a life, you are fully entitled to fun, happiness, relaxation despite the vitriol of the sanctimonious MN posters.

Get DSS enrolled in some stuff so he is out of the house regularly, make sure, if he lives with you, that the child benefit etc comes to your house, it is then available for sports stuff, bus fares, get your DP to do more round the house, no reason you get landed with everything. Give yourself something to look forward to, a weekend away? DSis babysitting.

It is obvious to me, if no one else on MN that if you are unhappy the general feeling in the house will be cross and unhappy. Take things in hand for your life and the result will be better foreveryone else too.

Why should she be responsible for the DP's children, his children already have a DM and DF. If they are crap parents she can step in up to a point but the child will still be missing out.

Perhaps it is the inherent selfishness of one parent that is the reason the marriage failed in the first place. I don't see it as the new partner's place to attempt to fix that, impossible anyway.

So you don't feel the need to ship your own child off every other weekend yet you feel it is ok to ship off your step child ?

Poor child having to put up with you !

Parents would love to ship their teenagers out every weekend but sadly don't have the option.

Even though I think the post was badly phrased, I see where you are coming from op.

The stepson has TWO parents, who should both be pulling their weight.

I have been left in a similar position but with my biological children, whom I ADORE TO BITS.

However since their father left to go and live with the ow in the same area, he has decided to stop pulling his weight, to the point where he will actually text the dcs and tell them that he won't take them anywhere, even when previously arranged and I have other committments.

My dcs are gutted and as a result cling to me (they are all teenagers).

The stress of having to "do it all" is huge.

Everyone deserves some me time.

My only advice would be to ask your dss what he would like to do, as a family then make a fuss of him, then explain that on x day you and his dad will be doing y.

Hope that makes sense.

The dss mum is being unreasonable, however you cannot change her behaviour, just modify your own.

I remember my sister telling me that children are at heart selfish in that they expect the world to revolve around them. And that as a parent you need to balance the requirement and duty to "be there" for your child, but also to give yourself time and happiness. That way, in the long run, the family will be able to stay together and balanced.

Every member of a family has needs to keep them happy. Sometimes those needs will encroach upon the happiness of another member of the family, which is why nobody should have their own way all the time.

OP I don't read you as selfish at all. You cook food to keep your fussy eater step son happy, I am sure you are welcoming and happy to him whilst he is at home with you and his dad. There was no 'tone' in your message when you said that he has decided to live with you full time, in fact that is a very telling sign that he enjoys being with you, so you must be good to him.

It is not selfish to want to have some time to yourself. This could well be the case if it were your blood son, not just a step son. The step bit is a red herring really. How old is he? Could he babysit? Anything over 14 should be fine.

A lovely weekend walk just the two of you whilst he spends time with is half sister? Start slow and build it up so you can trust him and he can build his confidence, you could even pay him a little!!

You do need to work on your relationship with your husband, that is in his interest too.

The op is being advised to repost in the step parent bit just like a poster would be advised to repost in relationships if they were posting about a cheating partner for example.

Not everyone will agree with the OP obviously but they certainly wouldn't receive the character assassination they'll get on AIBU ..and let's be honest.. as soon as there's a step parent poster who has stepped out of line there is a hell of a lot of posters eager to pounce...see SparklySeaquins ridiculous post about the step parents forum being full of princesses blah blah..As it happens I think the OP has written her post very badly and certainly does reinforce a stereotype..
OP.. You need to talk to your husband..Your SS isn't in the way. . This is his home. . You and your husband need to organise time together alone.. It's not up to your SS to remember to give you space.
I have a SD.. She lives with us EOW..I have to accept that one day she may choose to live with us full time. . I KNOW it will be hard..only a step parent really understands what it's like..but it will be up to me and my DH to fit our alone time around her.. It wont be her responsibility to give us space.

Christ, the OP has been called evil, nasty, bitch, horribly attacked by dozens of posters and not one fucking post deleted.

Someone has even labelled MN step mothers as spoilt little princesses and has been branded a fucking hero for saying it.

Bloody disgusting.

I'm a ste

I'm a

I'm a stepmum. I am not a spoilt princess. I work damned hard taking care of my family. And I fully expect my DSS's mum to occasionally step up and do some of the parenting of her DS's. I just do.

I understand as I am in a blended family and there is nothing wrong with wanting some time alone as a couple.
Surprised at some of the really nasty replies. If you have never dealt with other peoples children you can never understand how bloody hard it is. You are not a selfish and bad person OP

And not entirely sure why there's no ire being directed at the child's mum who should be providing an adequate sleeping area for her child. I thought that was a basic for NRPs.

Best report then Beverly.

It was me that said that and I stand by it as I think it takes a very "special" kind of person to want to shunt a child out of his home to a place he is unhappy and that sounds not to be fit for purpose because that person wants to be able to wander around naked and have a bit of ME ME ME time.

I will never understand why it is ok for step parents on MN to post horrible posts about their step children when it would never be acceptable for someone to slag off another child, even one unrelated to them eg a class mate without being robustly pulled up for it and many reasons given for how these children are and it appears in THIS case the child has done nothing wrong except BE!

That child IS a family member whether they are blood related or not, they are a sibling to your precious darlings that came after, they are the actual child of your DP/DH. If you cannot get your head round them being as important as your OWN child within the family they you've no business staying within that family unit.

I stay away from the step parenting forum because that attitude makes me really sad and angry but I reserve the right to say this when I come across a post elsewhere.

The OP has not returned and it's probably because they knew exactly how this would go.

I will not return to this thread as I don't wish to spend my Saturday arguing about this subject matter.

Maybe OP could lock her bedroom door and walk around naked in there? Hopefully she will have an en-suite thus providing more space for the naked walking.

But parents on MN are allowed to post horrible posts about pissed off with their own children. Not often but it does happen - people come on and say they've had a shit day with their kids and they get tea and sympathy. Why should the same not apply to stepparents?

If your eldest stepson lives full time with his mother, does he ever come to you? You talk very much of you, your daughter and stepson that lives full time with you but not the other.

I stopped going to my fathers when I was fifteen as he was a twat with no interest in me and I had to camp on the floor. Luckily my step father was fully supportive of my decision to be with my mum full time.

You sound really unpleasant. Your poor dss. If he doesn't want to go to his dms he should be welcome at yours.

Just get a baby sitter for dd if you want to go out. My family don't babysit for us, we pay someone.

If he doesnt want to go for the weekend then he shouldnt have to.

From about 14 ds1 stopped staying at his dads over night, he just preferred being at home in his own bed at night.

This is what tends to happen when they become older, if he lived with his mum would it be ok to try and force him to stay with his dad at the weekends? I feel sorry for this boy who should have the choice but doesn't because the sm doesn't want him around ever weekend