AIBU to be fed up with feeling like the 'logistical glue' in my family?

[SatsumaSatsuma]

Sorry for the bizarre thread title , but I sometimes feel that my role is just to be here permanently and fit in with everyone else's plans (meaning dh and 2 dds). hence, I feel like the glue that sticks our jigsaw puzzle of a life together.

my work fits rounds everyone else, I drop everything to fit in with other people's schedules and hardly do anything for myself, ever, outside of work. I do have one day off a week but often have to work from home unpaid to catch up on paper work. and by the time chores/ shopping/ dog walking is done its school run time again!

dh is lovely and works very hard and I am so grateful for that.

he has lots of evening meetings and goes out a moderate amount socially.

this morning, I got a text first thing from an old bunch of friends/ colleagues who about going out for a meal on Thursday night. dh said that he had a meeting that night and I just saw red. I got really cross, which isn't good at 8am when you're all trying to get ready!

dh has 2 or 3 evening meetings next week and went out socially 3 times last week. this is above average, but there are regularly evening things.

I just felt irrationally cross about it. the last time I went out in the evening without dh was in November. and before that, I cant even remember.

now, tbh, my job is stressful and I get very tired in the evenings so the lack of a social life isn't usually an issue.

but for some reason, the fact that dh has yet another meeting on this particular night really pissed me off. dh got really cross and said he doesn't choose these meetings. (however, this one is a local council meeting, and he did actually choose to accept the invitation to be a local councillor!)

I think the fact that my job is not very well paid, but very full on doesn't help either. maybe if I didn't have work stress then I would be more happy to focus on dh and dds' routine (9 and 11).

AIBU to have got cross? dh thinks I am, as I got angry before we'd even tried to work out a solution, but somehow it just touched a nerve.

I think at this stage you need to find a good babysitter - ask your DCs' friends' parents for recommendations.

I do understand that feeling of just facilitating other people to have lives, rather than having a life of your own - it's just so easy to end up in that role. I ended up feeling very low in the pecking order, and resenting it - but worked out that only I could actually change things. Claw that social life back - spend that day off doing something you want, even if only for a couple of hours. And don't feel guilty - you'll be benefitting the whole family long term.

Well if he wants to go to the meeting he will have to sort .. out some childcare won't he? If you lie on the floor with "welcome" written all over you people are going to treat you like a doormat.

It may take a while to sort out the family dynamics, it sounds as though you both have got into bad habits and need to balance things more evenly.

hassled, thanks. you're right, but with work etc i'm just too tired and then I end up resenting things :(

I sometimes feel like being a SAHM for a year or so might help. just to recharge a bit. I'm a teacher and went back to work when the dds were 6 and 9m respectively. I really respect what my dh does for us as a family, but I just feel that I often run on empty myself. I realise I'm not alone in that, but just needed to vent!

we do have grandparents who can usually help, but on this particular evening I shall be returning from taking dd2 to a medical apt miles away, so the only way I could go out with my friends is if someone met us from the station and took dd home.

thank you trice. dh is really lovely, but I just think the gender role stereotyping role thingy is something that occasionally gets to me. he doesn't quite understand what its like to be a mum (obv) even though he is a fantastic partner to have.

How on earth can he argue that you are being unreasonable when you haven't been out socially since November and he went out three times last week?!

Get a little crosser. Do not back down.

minty, its because I flew off the handle before we'd discussed options. I knew the logistics would be complex as I wanted dh to collect dd from the station so I could then go and meet friends. I realised that a simple babysitting arrangement wouldn't work so I got cross, but dh didn't know the details, so he thought I was being extra unreasonable.

he can be quite defensive on this subject. if I say I haven't been out for ages he'll say things like 'I'm not stopping you' or 'I've said you should get a hobby!'. he doesn't see why these comments annoy me, lol. although he is generally a lovely man.

He is stopping you because he is taking all the spare capacity in the family for him and his career. Families involve sacrifices and at the moment you are doing all the sacrificing.

Babysitting is not necessarily the answer - another answer is that he trims what he can do at work. At the moment it is cost free for him to say yes to everything because you take up the slack.

Quangle, I think you have hit the nail on the head there when you say that he is taking up all the spare capacity. this is what he doesn't understand.

he has a massively stressful job with lots of responsibility and earns very well. the dds and I benefit from this hugely. maybe that's why I should give up work for a bit, so I can support them all without running myself ragged and feeling resentful. that doesn't sound very modern does it, lol!

he is gentle, generous, loving, caring, a fantastic provider, fun, domesticated, outgoing. but... if I say anything AT ALL that's a mild grievance about anything domestic, he says crossly something like 'yeah well, I'm just such a shit father/ husband...blah blah blah'. he cannot acknowledge my view without seeing it as a massive personal criticism and being v defensive.

I think the subtle difference is that dh can say yes to doing anything, at any time, as he is not a cog in the logistical wheel like I am. he is not the picking up from school cog, or the driving to swimming cog, or the cooking dinner cog, or the noticing when its story/ bed time cog. i cannot say yes to anything without finding someone do replace me! does that make sense?

that would give me the rage...could be why I'm a single parent

His role is not just to be father and provider - he is also partner to you and should be helping you achieve what you want in your career if that's what you want. You do this for him and he should see that he needs to do the same for you. Even if you do go back to being a SAHM you will still have other needs that you shouldn't have to outsource to babysitters all the time.

quangle, my dh is supportive, truly, i just think that however much of a 'new man' he is, he doesn't fully grasp how the role of wife/ mother can feel a little claustrophobic sometimes. being a SAHM mother might not exactly sound like a solution here, lol, but at times i feel I have the worst of both worlds: a stressful, not brilliantly paid part time job, plus lots of home commitments.

Being a SAHM appeals purely on the basis that it would lessen the day to day stress. Also, the dds are 9 and 11 and still need us very much! i often wonder why we choose to continue such a complex work/ school/ home life when we could manage on dh's salary.

re my career, i have does some specialist teaching qualifications so have skills to fall back on in future (when i need the mental stimulation!) but tbh I'm too weary to feel ambitious. also, my dh is such a good provider, it doesn't make financial sense for me to pursue my career in a way that takes up even more time.

I empathise, OP. I felt the same, that what I do enables my DH to have the life he chooses, whereas what I do is limited by domestic duties. He works, and that is important, pays the mortgage, enables us all to have a very nice life, and that also allows him not to be concerned with ill children, pick up times etc. I on the other hand, limit what I do to accommodate those things. And when we discuss it, his default position is either to say he is a shit dad or to say that he will resign (from a job he likes). I am seeking a bit more teamwork, not a lifestyle change.

I am not sure what the answer is, but you are not alone in how you feel. As my children got older, this became less of an issue, but I found the nights out were worth the (sometimes considerable) efforts to get there, late if necessary.

I feel exactly the same as you and in fact had a row with dh about it last week and I am a sahm!!
Dh is away with work a week a month. When he is here he is out on average 3 nights a week plus usually a day away.
He works from home and is a messy bugger so when he's here he adds to my work load! I have kids at school plus a toddler and even when I struggle to keep on top of things he doesn't really do anything at all to help with the house running. He is good with the kids but I have to always ask for him to bath them or dress the toddler or change a nappy. I still have to do all the mental organising.
I've been stressed lately and made a point of showing him on a calendar how many nights and days he's been out this month compared to me (none).
His response has been to book his mum to babysit so we can both go a restaurant and a bar that he has been wanting to try for a while.
I still feel annoyed. I'm still fitting in with his plans and what he wants to do. All I want is a day or evening where I can do what I choose in the location I choose!
He thinks I had a 'night off' last night as he bathed the kids before he went out. But at 7.30 when he went out they were all still awake and I had to sort out various problems with them all before they settled. I didn't get to choose where I was (had to be home for the kids), didn't get to choose what I did and when (had to for around kids being up and down stairs) so no, that wasn't a night off.
I don't fancy a night out with him until I've had one evening to myself to recharge tbh

I stopped working and now am a SAHM. Have been for the past five years. It definitely works better for us. DH now can arrange meetings or trips and know that home is covered. I take my free time in the daytime and so I don't feel resentful when he takes most of the evenings. It's also getting easier now that the children are older. The eldest is 16 and they can occasionally manage on their own for a while. If your husband is willing, I'd say definitely consider it.

he isn't supportive, he's taking you for granted

Get a family diary,and everyone has to say "yes BUT...." to social invites so you can double check that no one else has plans that need to be considered.

And YY to stop being a doormat.

Theoscar, I think in essence it's about him having more freedom. He certainly has more work stress too though. I just feel a bit trapped. I don't think he gets that!

Shamoy if I had a preschooler I'd def stop work. I think you and quangle sum it up perfectly when you talk about the 'spare capacity' and 'mental organising'. Even at the weekend, the dds would never go to bed if it wasn't me who noticed it was bedtime. And we wouldn't have supper if I didn't notice it was a meal time. DH will say, ' just tell me what to cook and I'll do it!' Not realising that I don't even want to mentally organise the meal!

Just to add, the answer for me was not to give up work. I find the household stuff thankless, and can feel like a drudge. I don't feel I am good at it. I liked the money I got for working, which was an extra for us rather than a necessity, but what I really liked about work was the recognition, the thanks, the feeling of being useful. I don't work now, and I do miss that feeling (especially when moving dirt around, which seems to happen when i clean!)

Cats, he is fab in so many ways. He is a whirlwind clearing up the kitchen on a daily basis, he does loads of washing, comes home with bags of groceries if he thinks we're running low. But... Maybe, maybe he does take it for granted that I bear the brunt of the loss of freedom that having children brings.

I just don't think he realises it, because he doesn't feel it. An example of this that we have just taken up sailing as family. We are so so lucky and are going on a flotilla holiday. DH is crewing for a week on another boat beforehand for a whole week at the most busy time of the academic year. I support him going cos we will all benefit from having a more experienced skipper. But... Again it's him having the relative freedom.

A family diary wouldn't have helped in this situation as the Council meeting would have been there before. Sod's law that it's not an elective social he's out at that night.
Get a babysitter for that night and turn up slightly late- or get friends to meet at yours or nearer?
Loving the logistical glue, btw!

How has DH ended up having so much free time for his hobbies while you struggle to have time out? You need to point out the inequality here and just tell him he has to cut back.

In terms of your social life, it might be helpful to plan a bit more in advance and get your plans on the calendar before he does. Planning a night out for next week is too soon for most parents - try to prompt your friends to be more organised and plan weeks in advance.

Trilateral, I always think that it's ok ( even preferable) to give up work with babies/ preschoolers but would feel somehow lazy to stop work with a 9 and 11 yo. Did you work when your dc were tiny and stop when they were older?

Theoscar, I too would feel the drudge, I'm sure, but I think I need to experience that then go back to work later on, out of choice. Rather than carrying on on this particular treadmill. Also theoscar, you say I need more team work, but DH cannot do any more than he does on weekdays. There aren't the hours in the day.

It sounds like everything is fine as long as everything is his way.

If his meetings are on the family calendar ages in advance, you can plan your evenings out around them, can't you? Last minute invitations are hard to accept if you lead busy lives.

Xmas baby, it's partly due to difference in personality etc. He has lots of interests , likes sport and can stay up late. I get tired in the evenings and don't really have hobbies beyond cinema, reading, travel, restaurants, I probably have more 'friends' than DH but am a natural homebody.

So he knew there was a meeting but had said nothing-just assumed you would be there?

If it's not a work meeting, then I don't see that it has priority tbh.

And if you didn't know he had a meeting-why didn't you just accept the night out & tell him to sort childcare?