AIBU to be fed up with feeling like the 'logistical glue' in my family?

[SatsumaSatsuma]

Sorry for the bizarre thread title , but I sometimes feel that my role is just to be here permanently and fit in with everyone else's plans (meaning dh and 2 dds). hence, I feel like the glue that sticks our jigsaw puzzle of a life together.

my work fits rounds everyone else, I drop everything to fit in with other people's schedules and hardly do anything for myself, ever, outside of work. I do have one day off a week but often have to work from home unpaid to catch up on paper work. and by the time chores/ shopping/ dog walking is done its school run time again!

dh is lovely and works very hard and I am so grateful for that.

he has lots of evening meetings and goes out a moderate amount socially.

this morning, I got a text first thing from an old bunch of friends/ colleagues who about going out for a meal on Thursday night. dh said that he had a meeting that night and I just saw red. I got really cross, which isn't good at 8am when you're all trying to get ready!

dh has 2 or 3 evening meetings next week and went out socially 3 times last week. this is above average, but there are regularly evening things.

I just felt irrationally cross about it. the last time I went out in the evening without dh was in November. and before that, I cant even remember.

now, tbh, my job is stressful and I get very tired in the evenings so the lack of a social life isn't usually an issue.

but for some reason, the fact that dh has yet another meeting on this particular night really pissed me off. dh got really cross and said he doesn't choose these meetings. (however, this one is a local council meeting, and he did actually choose to accept the invitation to be a local councillor!)

I think the fact that my job is not very well paid, but very full on doesn't help either. maybe if I didn't have work stress then I would be more happy to focus on dh and dds' routine (9 and 11).

AIBU to have got cross? dh thinks I am, as I got angry before we'd even tried to work out a solution, but somehow it just touched a nerve.

Yes Xmas. Next thur was actually arranged ages ago, but I forgot and so the text this morning was just a reminder. That bit was my fault. DH occasionally puts evening meetings on the calendar but not consistently. We could improve that side of things, def.

Will your dh be coming home in between work and this meeting?

If so, as soon as he walks in the door, walk out and leave the dc to him. His problem them

Diddl, of course he didn't mention it. Of course I'll be here. Where else would I be? He and I both know that! As I mentioned earlier, it's logistically tricky as it's not a straight forward babysitter that I need. To be fair, I think DH would be prepared in principle to leave the meeting early, but the times just won't work.

I feel torn because being a local councillor is helpful and relevant to dh's career but it has meant lots more evening meetings which I did point out before he accepted the role!

Long distance, he would usually pop home for long enough to eat dinner.

Sorry...I did some drip feeding earlier... Dd2 and I will be returning from an out of town medical apt. I wanted DH to collect dd at the station to free me up.

I think I said that I would like more teamwork. I get absolutely the hours in the day thing and maybe what I mean is more discussion, more recognition of how things are for me: but that's me, not you OP.

I worked at least part time until 2 years ago, when the children were over 18. It was hard at times, but I loved all my jobs, especially the last one, until management changed, and i found myself dreading going to work. As I worked for the fun of it, and it was no fun, I stopped, being in the lucky position of being able to do that.

Not working has had it's problems, for me, in terms of my own worth and contribution, which I have solved by volunteering for a children's charity, and I genuinely feel that the work I do for them is worthwhile, and I am valued for doing it.

I think the issue is not to do with who goes out when, etc. It seems to me the problem is that he assumes that all the household, family and domestic stuff is going to be taken care of by you, leaving him totally free to accept other commitments willy nilly without ever stopping to consider how this might impact upon the other members of his family.

This is twisted priorities. All that stuff is not solely your responsibility; the responsibility should be joint, and first priority for both of you should be family life. He is doing family life only when he has nothing more pressing going on. I don't suppose he has ever really thought about it, because you have always just been there to do whatever needs doing. I do think you need to address this with him.

Sorry, theoscar, I put words into your mouth! However, I do think it applies to me too, as I'd like more recognition / discussion.

I think I am in a very similar situation to you satsuma. I think the feeling you describe as being irrationally cross is more to do with a low lying level of stress. I do everything for our family as dh works long hours, but so many of those things go unnoticed and therefore unacknowledged. A lot of the logistical glue is invisible and I have a different mindset to him.

I work part time as I enjoy the financial independence, but life is a juggling act and will continue to be for some years.

I do feel frustrated sometimes that he can walk out the door and not give the family a second thought until he comes home, whatever time that may be, but I wouldn't swap!

I have no real advice, just wanted to say that you are not the only one who feels like this and yanbu. But a kitchen planner won't change his or your mindset, only sharing how you view things and being prepared to listen to his view as well can change that I guess.

Maparole, don't you think most households are like that? Maybe I too have assumed that it's just the way it is.

Oh definitely. And I am afraid it can only get worse as the kids hit the teen years. No some much the taxi service, but being the one who has endless patience with their teen dramas and black moods. Get a babysitter and go to your party.

So..beast, if the teen years are worse, can I justify becoming a SAHM in readiness then?? Hmm...

I went back to work after all three children at 4 months when we were living in the UK. I gave up work when we emigrated to Norway. The children were 11, 9 and 4. Initially I couldn't work because we had no nursery place for the youngest, but we have found that it just works much better for us. DH works very hard and earns well. He is now able to concentrate on his career, which has benefitted from the freedom he has.

I don't exactly love the drudge, but equally I don't resent it nearly as much as I did when I was doing most of it anyway and was fitting in a job as well.

I guess it wouldn't be for everybody. I would still say I'm the glue that sticks the family together, but I have very little stress and I enjoy my life. I have taken up writing and walking, both of which I love. If I went back to work, I wouldn't have time for either. Like you, I am lucky enough to have a career that I can probably resume when I want to.

Throughthelongnight, I went to London on a course before Xmas and DH totally messed up the before and after school arrangements! It was moly one day! I feel like the project manager of lives, lol!

'Only' not moly.

Trilateral, that sounds like it might suit me! I have a similar attitude, I think.

Do you not think people would judge/ not understand me giving up work now my dc are older? People expect it to be the other way round,no? I know I shouldn't care what people think ...

I occasionally go away for weekends for work. I then have an entire weekends worth of stuff to do when I get back on Sunday. He just doesn't think! I once found the lunch boxes from Friday still waiting to be emptied, and all the school uniform unwashed...

Ha! I once got a sick bug and swimming bags were left for days!

Mental organising. Which poster said that?

People judge, whatever you do.

Will not working change your situation though? Or will it just put more emphasis on you being the family organiser, full time rather than part time.

Oh, and dcs and I left for our christmas holiday a couple of days before dh, he joined us later. We came home to a dishwasher full of mouldy plates as he hadn't switched it on before leaving,

It is not a bizarre thread title, I knew exactly what your OP was going to say before I read it. I think 95% of families have one cog and out of that 95% another 90% are the wife/mum. I actually don't 'get' how the few families that don't have this 'one cog' don't have too much 'slipping between the cracks'. It is, however, a shit role for the cog - especially in the situation you describe where the other adult has a lot of 'outside normal hours' work stuff and is very sociable/sport/active outside the home :(

It is massively shitty way to feel, like you are only there to make sure all of their lives run smoothly and that you aren't a person in your own right with actual wants/needs/desires etc - that you count.

I don't think there is a solution to make the other adult equally responsible/engaged in the process/equal however you can improve the situation somewhat.

First of all you need to talk to DH when you aren't angry (and he isn't already defensive). Explain to him, at the very beginning that you are not saying he is a 'shit father/husband' etc (whatever he normally says), but that you need him to listen to how you feel and see what you can both do to stop you feeling like this. IF he gets angry/defensive - ask him how that is helping and ask him if he actually gives a flying fuck about YOU as a person anymore? Be very calm & clear that this is about YOU, not him.

He has to change his attitude that YOU will be home 24/7 without him needing to check with you before he makes any arrangement after his core hours at work & for anything social - anything At All. If he is in a position where he has to be able to say 'Yes' to a meeting as soon as it is requested etc then fine - but in doing so he has to accept that he will need to arrange a babysitter/logistics if you are busy. (You can find some together that you can both call on).

You need to discuss anything he does that is not work. From his sport/hobbies/comittee's etc anything and decide whether they are impacting too much on family time/your time. Whether you want to be out dancing or at home doing your own thing without having to be the one to 'sort the girls'. He needs to be home more - he just does.

He needs to take responsibility for getting the girls to some of their activities - as long as they are not in his core hours at work, whether you are home or not.

He takes on responsiblity for

1. Organising and cooking dinner x nights a week.

1. Making sure the girls have done their homework x nights a week/at the weekend.

1. Making sure the girls are in bed at an agreed time x nights a week - making sure they have washed/cleaned teeth/read

We were away for 2 weeks.

It might do, but I wouldn't have the work pressure to contend with and would see not having to work as a gift from DH, so I wouldn't resent the role. At the moment I feel I have two jobs, so just having one would be great. Our mornings can be really stressy and I'd like to take that away from our whole family. I'd ideally like to work just 2 days, but that's not an option, contract wise.

Then later, if I felt I'd had enough of being at home, I'd return to work on my terms.

This is similar to me to a certain extent. We have 2 older children and I work FT, so does dh. I have actually just asked to reduce my hours at work as I am struggling with the pressures of getting everyone to their respective activities on time and still manage the house.

I do admit though that I still manage activities for myself. We have a central diary that EVERYONES commitments go in, that way I can control it all and book myself sections of time that are available. I have a regular activity myself which really helps because as it is a regular commitment everyone knows I'm out on a Thursday evening.

I think you need to be a bit more forceful and selfish and book yourself some regular time - even if you just go and sit in a café I think it's really important you claim that time slot as yours!