AIBU to be fed up with feeling like the 'logistical glue' in my family?

[SatsumaSatsuma]

Sorry for the bizarre thread title , but I sometimes feel that my role is just to be here permanently and fit in with everyone else's plans (meaning dh and 2 dds). hence, I feel like the glue that sticks our jigsaw puzzle of a life together.

my work fits rounds everyone else, I drop everything to fit in with other people's schedules and hardly do anything for myself, ever, outside of work. I do have one day off a week but often have to work from home unpaid to catch up on paper work. and by the time chores/ shopping/ dog walking is done its school run time again!

dh is lovely and works very hard and I am so grateful for that.

he has lots of evening meetings and goes out a moderate amount socially.

this morning, I got a text first thing from an old bunch of friends/ colleagues who about going out for a meal on Thursday night. dh said that he had a meeting that night and I just saw red. I got really cross, which isn't good at 8am when you're all trying to get ready!

dh has 2 or 3 evening meetings next week and went out socially 3 times last week. this is above average, but there are regularly evening things.

I just felt irrationally cross about it. the last time I went out in the evening without dh was in November. and before that, I cant even remember.

now, tbh, my job is stressful and I get very tired in the evenings so the lack of a social life isn't usually an issue.

but for some reason, the fact that dh has yet another meeting on this particular night really pissed me off. dh got really cross and said he doesn't choose these meetings. (however, this one is a local council meeting, and he did actually choose to accept the invitation to be a local councillor!)

I think the fact that my job is not very well paid, but very full on doesn't help either. maybe if I didn't have work stress then I would be more happy to focus on dh and dds' routine (9 and 11).

AIBU to have got cross? dh thinks I am, as I got angry before we'd even tried to work out a solution, but somehow it just touched a nerve.

Could you give up the work in the school and take up tutoring as an option?

Who gives a toss what anyone else thinks - do what suits YOU. Yes, there are always threads on here saying 'Why doesn't she work, she has school aged children' but to be honest they can go screw themselves, it's not their life. Sorry to say, but it does get worse as the kids get older!! I think older kids need someone at home as much or more than younger kids!

DH mucked up before and after school activities - so what? No one died - he needs to learn and he wont if you keep picking up the slack.

Re giving up work - I think this would just give him more leeway to expect you to be there 24/7 for them!

Sorry, xposted, I was responding to throughthenight asking if I might feel even more that it was all about the domestic routine.

Chipping, thanks so much for your long and thoughtful reply :) I think the trouble is that DH probably tunes out a but in the eve as he's had a very stressful day.

I have asked DH to do a couple of things that he is very talented at : supervise dd1s music practise and read them a chapter book at night ( I finished a book before Xmas and asked if we could take turns). He doesn't remember do it. I have to ensure homework is done, school bags ar ready, uniform ironed etc. it's this grind that gets me.

The other night after work, We didn't sit down til gone 9.30 pm, as there were so many chores. We were doing it together but I have to mentally organise it. If I wasn't working, that grind could take place when I'm less tired and DH could come home and it'd be all done. It's not fair on him either to come back to a load of chores.

I just think it's sad that people choose to judge what others do. You should do what works for you best.

For me it's good. I see a lot of people in here saying you should put your foot down, but I know from years of trying that it wouldn't work for me. It would take continuous effort and I would always be having to point out discrepancies. That course would end up in divorce.

I see our partnership as a team. There are certain things that need doing and those things have to be split between us. I love my husband very much, and we are both very happy, now we no longer view our lives and childcare commitments as a competition. Now there is less stress all round, he actually takes better care of me. Breakfast in bed every Saturday and Sunday and lots of other little things. I don't really care what other people think.

If you feel your quality of life would be better if you gave up work, that is a good reason as far as I can see. I do think you would inevitably end up doing more though.

Could you give your DH more explicit instructions about how he can help you/family? If he does things badly, it is tempting for you to do them next time - that is the danger, but you must resist! It sounds like he needs to do a bit more and prioritise the family - perhaps he just needs more guidance from you until he finds his own way of doing things.

Also, if he has a lot of energy in the evenings, surely he can use this time to benefit the family (sometimes)? Housework, cooking etc. That might take the pressure off you if you are busy at other times of the day. It really sounds like he is a good husband and father and is not intending to be selfish, so I'm sure he would want to make you happy if he realises it's in his power.

But chipping, I think I'd be more prepared to be that taken for granted domestic facilitator if that was my only job. I'd see that as my role. Whereas now I have two jobs. And it isn't working.

Trilateral, DH and I get on very well but I would say that pointing out discrepancies and competing to see who's got it harden would be a death wish for our relationship.

Tbh, I wouldn't see giving up work now as a sacrifice, I'd see it as a bit or a treat. I find teaching so rewarding, but I am very tired. Quite stressed. And need a change.

Yanbu, I work full time in the same occupation as my DH who like yours does do his fair share around the house and with the dc's. But I've lost count of the amount of time I've been late home from work, (we work shifts him earlies, me lates) and as I walk through the door I'm asked 'what are we having for dinner?' IT GIVES ME THE RAGE! Especially as it usually involves a trip to the shop and at least an hour in cooking and prepping time. I think it's just a habit they get into. We as working mums need to grow a set of balls and reinforce the partnership dynamics. You need a night out. Men are the new women, all in touch with their feelings and caring, but just a little bit needy and pathetic when they want to be. Though I love them really twats (puts on Kevlar Mac and prepares to be flamed)

'Bit of a treat'

Yes it'd mean doing more at home, but I'd feel like I signed up for that. Hey, I could even bake cakes!

Am going to walk the dog now.
Thanks for posting x

Cake. Rage? I'm not surprised!

Re the judging for stopping work, yes, there has been some. And yes it did feel odd to have worked when they were little, and to have stopped when they were older and theoretically less needy. But sometimes, that's just how it comes out. And if it works for you, as it has done for me, and you and your DH and children are happier, then do those who judge matter?

I should say I was terrified when I left work, resentful at how they had behaved, and it did take a while to adjust. But things change, sometimes you just have to make the best decision you can and roll with it.

I don't think op wants to give up work?? Why on earth should she? She just needs her dh to spend a bit more time at home.

Stop asking like he would be doing you some kind of favour and tell him to actually parent his children. Presumably he wanted children too - all of a sudden they wont be children anymore and he will have only been present for the highlights - not day to day life and he will be sad about that.

Stop making excuses for him. He choose to be a parent (presumably) he needs to choose to parent - not delegate. He doesn't get to 'opt out' because he 'earns the money' and you don't. He's stressed and exhausted - fine, fair enough so are you why are you letting his 'stressed and tired' top trump YOUR 'stressed and tired'?

You are 'doing this' to yourself as much as he is :(

I have to mentally organise it to a certain extent that will never change and no matter how 'unfair' that is, there is no point in pushing shit up hill trying to change that 100%, but you can lessen it to a degree by delgating certain activites and the mental planning for them.

If I wasn't working, that grind could take place when I'm less tired and DH could come home and it'd be all done. It's not fair on him either to come back to a load of chores - yes, there is something to be said for that IF IF IF you arent going to feel massively resentful that you are then 24/7 at your families disposal. You will need to carve out time for yourself too.

"Diddl, of course he didn't mention it. Of course I'll be here. Where else would I be? "

Well you could also have something booked!

Blimey, I don't go out to work, but my husband would never assume that I'm always here for the kids & he can do as he pleases 24/7!

Whether you give up work or not - then DH still needs to be more active parenting his children, they are his daughters - very soon they will be all grown up then he will be complaining they don't need him, don't ask for his opinion on things etc

"He doesn't remember do it."

Why-because he knows you will, or it's not important to him?

How much work/councellor stuff does he forget??

I know exactly how you feel and love the term 'logistical glue' and the concept of the 'cog'. I'm not sure I have any advice but if you find the magic answer please tell me!

The difference with me is that I wanted to go back to work - I count that as 'me' time. My resentment was greater when I was a SAHM because I felt that he was 'preventing' me from working, not his fault but because he has a long commute etc my options to find fulfilling, challenging and well paid work were limited. Fortunately I fell on my feet and got a home based role - but that does still mean I am well and truly the 'cog'. Its frustrating that because I am at home he can just ring and say he will be late - its not that it is unreasonable for him to do this, it just frustrates me that I can't. Generally its at least 2 weeks notice required if I need to do something to ensure he is at home, although he always does try and and do so.

When on maternity leave he was offered a promotion - at the time it seemed a godsend and meant I could take a lower grade role which made childcare easier. In retrospect it set us firmly down a gender stereotyped route and, as much as I am grateful for the comfortable life it affords us, if I had a Tardis I'd be going back in time to change that decision. I think we'd both be happier sharing the roles a bit more easily as he gets little time with the kids. I guess it often happens this way because our generous maternity leave arrangements have historically practically forced our hands that it is the woman who sacrifices much more and then by definition becomes the cog.

OP I think the issue you may have giving up work is that your DH will then take it as carte blanche that he can totally forget about domestic responsibilities.

If you want to give up, then give up. And sod what anyone thinks of you. I'm a SAHM, my youngest is now at preschool and people keep asking me when I'm going back to work.
These people all have DH's who work locally, fixed hours and can therefore plan to be involved in child-related stuff.
My DH is a freelance IT contractor, he can be working locally for a few months, then commuting to London leaving the house at 6am for 6 months. I can't possibly commit to anything without full-time childcare - and that is just not feasible at the moment.

I can see people looking at me thinking 'WTF is she doing with her time' but I don't care. It works for our family, we have a lovely quality of life because we aren't stretching ourselves too thin.

My DH is much more involved with family life though OP - he does bedtime whenever he is here, if he isn't leaving too early in the morning he gives the DSs their breakfast and makes their packed lunches. He reads with them, and tries to be involved however he can be. It is a good balance.

OP, I think it is very tempting to agree to be domestic facilitator as your full time job. But let's evaluate it as you would any other career change.

Do you want the job for itself, or for the convenience factor?
You will become redundant when they leave home- it's not as long as you think- what's your exit strategy?
Is there enough money in the family to support you long-term, including pensions and provision in case of marriage break-up?

It could be completely rational to do that job for five years and then reintroduce paid work if that's a job you would enjoy for its own sake. But it would be a mistake to do it just to make the annoyance stop- just as you wouldn't take a dead-end badly paid job that didn't use your skills but had a short commute.

I find I provide the high-level management : I have the intellectual responsibility to keep everything remembered and sorted if that makes sense- but I sure as hell delegate being there to other people if it clashes with other priorities.

It's always recommended on threads like these, but have you read Wifework?