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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ok so im a bitch , but am u being an unreasonably heartless bitch ??

78 replies

Oohlookakitty · 16/01/2014 22:23

Name Changed as im a regular and not sure how this is going to go chicken

Right so i have been seeing this bloke for around a year now , He is nice yadaa yadaa but their is a few things niggling me and im not so sure wether to say anything or if aibu .

He is 30yo and im 27 we dont live together but see each other as often as possible as we live in neighbouring towns .

His very elderly and very ill 89yo Grandad died recently (6th jan) , he was given 24 hours to live on the 1st december , I told partner to spend as much time as possible with him etc and not to worry about me anyway to my point .
fast forward to now partner is ringing me everyday saying his grandads death was so unexpected etc and he cant cope and while at work today he told customers to fuck off so was sent home .

Now i understand he is grieving which is obvious as his grandad has just died but seriously their is a time and a place and speaking to people that way and treating people like dirt and expecting them to do whatever you want and be where ever you say just because of this is ridiculous .

He keeps expecting me to cancel whatever i am doing despite it being important (lots of court dates and important meetings etc) and go to his so he can cry on my shoulder about how unexpected it was etc it just makes me so angry

It wasn't unexpected he was given plenty of time to spend time with him and make his peace etc .
I wasn't given that chance with any of my 4 grandparents as they all died unexpectedly , So to be given that chance to know his Grandad was dying was a good thing iyswim (sorry i can't think of a better way to phrase it) .

He is just crying constantly everyday and when he is not crying he is playing on his god dam playstation instead of seeking help for his grief and expecting me to shoulder everything when i have enough on my plate and when i ring/message him it starts all over again and i feel like shouting 'Man up'

I said he could have one of my Cats Kittens to keep him company and try to cheer him up and because i were unable to drop it round this week due to me been very ill he has gone mental at me because i couldn't manage the 2 hour bus ride with an 8 week old kitten while trying not to vomit, so he rings me saying right ill be their in half an hour for the kitten while am in an important meeting and then went mad when i were not home [hhm] All which he blames on the grief from his Grandad dying .

Sorry for the rambling its just really bugging me .

So am i a completely heartless bitch and do i need to be more sympathetic ??
I probably am but i just needed to get this out of my head

Awaits flaming

OP posts:

giggleshizz · 16/01/2014 22:40

YANBU my df died last year aged 86 after an illness. I was able to spend several lovely quality days with him in hospital saying my goodbyes. Took two weeks off work to help dm with funeral and general support and then back to work where I strangely enough did not feel the need to tell my clients to fuck off. Obviously heartbroken to lose a parent but he was old and ill and his time had come.

everyone grieves differently but IMO the behaviour is disproportionate to what had happened ie loosing elderly grandparent v. say losing dp in shock accident.

Sounds like he may need professional help as suggested already. Good luck and don't allow yourself to be guilted into anything.

TwinklyMummaLuvsHerBubba89 · 16/01/2014 22:40

why would you be vomiting on the bus? misses point entirely

I think you should cut him some slack in regards to how he is feeling, who are you to say he should feel less sad because it was expected?

OTOH, he does sound like a manchild and I think you need to assess where your relationship is heading.

LingDiLong · 16/01/2014 22:41

Well you've been with him for a year you say. Is this behaviour completely out of the ordinary? Has he had other stuff going on previous to his Grandad dying and this has just opened up the flood gates so to speak?

Original poster

Oohlookakitty · 16/01/2014 22:44

Sal also its that he got to spend time with him and new to say goodbye which should or so i thought make it that bit easier when losing somebody, I know for certain it would of made things easier if i could of said goodbye to my relatives that i have lost .

Why aibu to give him a kitten , Id rather the kitten go to somebody i know will look after it rather than a complete stranger .

He is Immature but i never realised how much until recently which is probably one of things that is getting to me so much

OP posts:

PansOnFire · 16/01/2014 22:44

YADNBU, he sounds unstable. Grief or no grief that is no way to behave, I'd be worried about how this situation is going to progress. If he doesn't get help then he's not going to get any better, there is a point where the grieving settles and 'normal' life resumes, of course the grief doesn't go away but it's managed. He's not learning to manage it and he doesn't sound like he's even trying to manage it, so it's not going to get any better. You are not there to look after him and keep him entertained, you are there to support him. However, there's a point where no amount of support is going to benefit either of you. I'd leave him, his behaviour is erratic and unpredictable, it's not worth the risk.

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 16/01/2014 22:44

No warning signs before this? Because he does sound like a bit of an arse.

RubyGoat · 16/01/2014 22:44

I know grief affects people differently but he sounds rather childish.

VampyreofTimeandMemory · 16/01/2014 22:45

i think this level of immaturity and neediness would scare me off.

AnyFucker · 16/01/2014 22:46

twinkly as much as I cannot really take the moral highground wrt the choice of usernames, is yours laced with irony or are you serious ?

BillyBanter · 16/01/2014 22:46

I think your choices are dump him or start saying no firmly when you have other commitments or just need time to yourself. Explain he can't get dibs on all your time because he's grieving, that you can't provide the support he wants, not all the time, and that a professional would be better placed to help him move through his grief.

As Ling says it may be that this death has opened a whole can of emotional worms for him. If so he needs more than a gf and kitten anyway.

Original poster

Oohlookakitty · 16/01/2014 22:47

If the behaviour was completely out of the ordinary i wouldn't be questioning it tbh

OP posts:

Mim78 · 16/01/2014 22:48

Twat (him not you)

thornrose · 16/01/2014 22:48

I think the kitten is a red herring to be honest!

Original poster

Oohlookakitty · 16/01/2014 22:49

Twinkly I have been very ill this week which is why i were not able to travel .

Im not saying how sad he can be it just feels like he is milking it iyswim

OP posts:

MadAsFish · 16/01/2014 22:52

I think he's overreacting vastly, and using it as an excuse to behave badly.

Original poster

Oohlookakitty · 16/01/2014 22:53

Ill not be taking the Kitten yay i get to keep him

He is very much a 'Mummys boy' and very immature .

He said the manager came in to work after he told several customers to fuck off and took him for a meal to cheer him up

OP posts:

ODearMe · 16/01/2014 22:54

He is milking his grief to enjoy attention from you

VampyreofTimeandMemory · 16/01/2014 22:56

what on earth did he say they were doing to deserve a 'fuck off'?

VampyreofTimeandMemory · 16/01/2014 22:56

i'm gonna try this tomorrow if it means my boss will take me out for dinner.

Fairenuff · 16/01/2014 22:58

If the behaviour was completely out of the ordinary i wouldn't be questioning it tbh

So, are you saying that this behaviour is not out of the ordinary?

Original poster

Oohlookakitty · 16/01/2014 23:00

Vamp

I can't think of anything that a customer would do that would warrant a member of staff telling them to fuck off .

I asked and he said they were been annoying

OP posts:

SuperStrength · 16/01/2014 23:02

Sometimes people need to behave very badly for the mists of new love to clear from our eyes so that we can see them for what they really are

run...very quickly...in the opposite direction

Original poster

Oohlookakitty · 16/01/2014 23:03

Faire he hasn't behaved this bad before but he can be a complete arse when he wants to be , Say if he doesn't get his own way etc

OP posts:

TimeToPassGo · 16/01/2014 23:08

He sounds like a real prince

I think the grief is a red herring here. Yes, you can grieve a lot for a GP (I did) but I didn't go round telling people to fuck off in any situation, never mind in work. Don't see much of a future here.

Fairenuff · 16/01/2014 23:11

There isn't any future in this relationship is there? Think of all the times when he won't get his own way and how he will make you suffer for it.

If you had children with him, his way would have to come very far down the list of priorities. How would he cope with that? He would be one of those men that felt justified cheating because you didn't give him enough attention whilst caring for your newborn.

Beware. Not everyone is as lucky as you, plenty of men like this don't show their true colours this early on.

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