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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fucked off that my manager had emailed me that she hopes I learn to enjoy my children?

58 replies

Bananaketchup · 16/01/2014 21:31

I am on mat leave, and had emailed her to sort out a keeping in touch day we'd agreed I'd do. I work in a very niche field and this particular small piece of work is even more niche. I am happy to do it and had agreed I would do a half day KIT day 4 times in the year I'm on leave, to do this. She agreed this, her manager agreed it, and we let clients know that's what would be happening. Only for her to email me today to say a (much more junior) colleague can do it fine, and she hopes I learn to enjoy my children while I'm off. WTF? Offering to work a half day, which we'd agreed I'd do, means I don't know how to enjoy my children? AIBU to be seriously pissed off? Not to mention a letter has gone out to clients saying I'd be doing it, and now someone they don't know is going to. I don't know how to start a reply, and probably shouldn't until I've cooled off a bit, but seriously.

OP posts:
TheNightIsDark · 16/01/2014 21:32

I'd forward it to her manager. What a nasty cow!

TheSkiingGardener · 16/01/2014 21:33

The comment sounds badly phrased and poorly expressed. Unless she has form I'd say it was just a bit silly of her. The client thing would piss me off and I would tell her so ( in corporate-ese)

Dromedary · 16/01/2014 21:34

If the keeping in touch days have been agreed then you have a contractual right to them, surely.
And yes, she is a cow.

ArtVandelay · 16/01/2014 21:34

Stop stewing and forward it to her manager pointing out how she's overstepped the mark. Enjoy your maternity leave - meant in a nice way! X

edwinbear · 16/01/2014 21:35

Surely she has just badly phrased that, and what she means is she hopes you are getting into the swing of having another dc around?

WhizzFucker · 16/01/2014 21:35

YANBU.

A bit off topic and please check it out properly but I think you're employers are obliged to let you have a certain number of keeping in touch days if you want them. Also I thought they were meant to be just that, keeping in touch, not them saving up especially niche and tricky bits of work for you to do.

curiousuze · 16/01/2014 21:37

Are you sure she meant it nastily though?

SashaOfSiberia · 16/01/2014 21:37

I would forward to more senior member of staff, saying you want to keep the agreed arrangement. I'd also ay that you felt the comments regarding your children were unprofessional, unwarranted and offensive.

Beamur · 16/01/2014 21:39

Don't respond until tomorrow.
I'd be seriously irked by that too.

harticus · 16/01/2014 21:43

Nasty comment. But is it one of those occasions when it actually says more about her than you?

I worked with a woman who really didn't enjoy motherhood and thought all of us felt the same - she dreaded the holidays etc. It took me a while to work out her snide comments about parenting and children were actually just very revealing about herself and nothing more.

HollaAtMeBaby · 16/01/2014 21:43

Did she say "enjoy the children" (patronising but perhaps well-meant) or "learn to enjoy the children" (incredibly rude and snide)?

Either way, I would forward the email to her manager and to HR and say you were actually very much looking forward to doing this work on your agreed KIT day and would appreciate if you could still have the opportunity to do it.

Some info on how KIT is meant to work here: www.gov.uk/employee-rights-when-on-leave

Mim78 · 16/01/2014 21:47

I agree - forward the e-mail to her manager and say that you still intend to do your KIT days as agreed.

Original poster
Bananaketchup · 16/01/2014 21:52

Okay, glad it's not just me. I'm not sure if she meant it as it sounds, or was just careless in the phrasing. The actual phrase is 'I hope you learn to enjoy your children and this time with them'. I am massively pissed off at the assumption of that, and also that my clients are being sold short (in my eyes anyway). I had thought I should forward it to her manager but thought maybe I was overreacting - it seems not. We've nothing in writing though that I'd do these 4 days (unless the letter to clients saying so counts?), just verbal agreement. Think I need to compose a reply tomorrow as suggested, thanks all.

OP posts:
JeanSeberg · 16/01/2014 21:54

I would phone HR rather than handle this by email. You can forward the email while you're on the phone. Make it clear that you do not appreciate the comments or the change in plans to the client meetings. See what they have to say.

Good luck.

zoezebraspartydress · 16/01/2014 21:56

That is out of order. I wouldn't phone, I would keep everything in writing and forward it to her manager with a letter of complaint.

curiousuze · 16/01/2014 21:58

Hmmm weird, if someone sent me that I'd take it as them being nice and encouraging me to enjoy my maternity leave.

JeanSeberg · 16/01/2014 22:00

That is out of order. I wouldn't phone, I would keep everything in writing and forward it to her manager with a letter of complaint.

I would do that after the phone call, always confirm everything in writing.

FluffyJumper · 16/01/2014 22:01

WTF!!!!

Send it to her manager. If she didn't know how rude it sounds she'll appreciate the feedback.

Roshbegosh · 16/01/2014 22:01

Everyone is telling you to get into a conflict here. I wouldn't handle it so aggressively. Reply to her saying that you want the KIT days as agreed and not enter into anything about my children. Only go higher if you need to.

ecuse · 16/01/2014 22:04

I agree with Roshbegosh. I would ignore the kids comment, say you want to do it as agreed and then, if she's still obstructive, escalate it. She might think she's doing you a favour (she may have worried you felt obliged to do it if you're the obvious best placed person - she could be giving you an 'out'). The comment was stupid and patronising and would fuck me right off, but probably wasn't meant that way. Obvs if she's still obstructive then go to HR.

JeanSeberg · 16/01/2014 22:05

Flagging it up doesn't mean 'getting into conflict', it's about sticking to what's been agreed and questioning why not. Also having it logged in case of future issues.

JaneFonda · 16/01/2014 22:06

There are two separate issues here.

One is wrt the work you had agreed to do - that needs to be sorted out, as if clients have been told you will be doing it, then nobody else should replace you.

However, the bit about 'learning to enjoy your children' I read in a completely different manner. Maternity leave can be a really tough time, and it's a real slog to get through the newborn stage. I took it as her meaning that she hopes you will be able to make the most out of your ML by enjoying the time you will be spending with DCs, and hoping that it won't be too stressful for you.

Then again, I don't know her so I could be completely wrong, but it can be difficult to interpret the tone that something is meant in when it is through email.

YourMotherChucksRocksInHull · 16/01/2014 22:07

Is english her first language?

mumbaisapphirebluespruce · 16/01/2014 22:08

Seems like bad phrasing to me. Is English this first persons language?

Dubjackeen · 16/01/2014 22:13

I'd suggest sleeping on it, don't write anything back just yet. Only you know the person involved, is it just badly phrased, but meant to mean enjoy your leave. Or is it an actual dig of some sort.
If you want to do the days, then write a note back stating that...'as agreed etc'. I would suggest either ignoring the comment or brushing it off, 'oh yes, it's lovely having the time to enjoy being with them..', or something like that. Don't forward or copy anyone at this point would be my advice.

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