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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fucked off that my manager had emailed me that she hopes I learn to enjoy my children?

58 replies

Bananaketchup · 16/01/2014 21:31

I am on mat leave, and had emailed her to sort out a keeping in touch day we'd agreed I'd do. I work in a very niche field and this particular small piece of work is even more niche. I am happy to do it and had agreed I would do a half day KIT day 4 times in the year I'm on leave, to do this. She agreed this, her manager agreed it, and we let clients know that's what would be happening. Only for her to email me today to say a (much more junior) colleague can do it fine, and she hopes I learn to enjoy my children while I'm off. WTF? Offering to work a half day, which we'd agreed I'd do, means I don't know how to enjoy my children? AIBU to be seriously pissed off? Not to mention a letter has gone out to clients saying I'd be doing it, and now someone they don't know is going to. I don't know how to start a reply, and probably shouldn't until I've cooled off a bit, but seriously.

OP posts:
ICantGoOverItICantGoUnderIt · 16/01/2014 22:14

I think you should check about KIT days, I believe you are entitled to them and they can't just be taken away from you. Perhaps they can change particular tasks undertaken, but you are entitled to those days.

As for that comment... I would take it further too. It's not her place to comment and the assumption that you might not be enjoying ML would make me worried about what her attitude might be when you return to work.

Hassled · 16/01/2014 22:20

It's that "learn to" that stings, isn't it? There's a tone there, a something.

But you need those KIT days - leave the reply for a couple of days, and then be politely insistent.

YourMotherChucksRocksInHull · 16/01/2014 22:22

Did you have a difficult time before you went on M/L, were you particularly anxious or something? If it's not a language barrier issue I wonder if she's trying to (be it kindly or nastily) allude to something else?

TheGreatHunt · 16/01/2014 22:24

Honestly it doesn't sound that bad to me. Clumsy yes.

YABU.

softlysoftly · 16/01/2014 22:30

I'd let it go even if she's being snarky, seriously not large enough to add street to your mat leave for.

BUT I would want it in writing that your clients have been informed of the change just to ensure they aren't going to try and pass substandard work off as yours and your reputation gets hit.

softlysoftly · 16/01/2014 22:31

*stress

Original poster
Bananaketchup · 16/01/2014 22:39

Yes English is her first language. In character I don't think of her as deliberately snidey, a bit sharp in tone with people but not deliberately nasty I don't think. Jane you're right it is two issues - one about the work, that clients have been told I will be doing, (softly I am concerned clients won't be told why it's not me doing it, i.e. that clients will think I've gone back on the agreement I'd made and my reputation will suffer because of that, more than they'll try to pass the substandard work off as mine) and the other the comment that I have taken offence to. It indeed is the learn that has really got me cross Hassled.

She might have been trying to give me a way out but I had made it clear I really don't need one - it's work I can do quite easily, which I'd always known I'd be doing while I'm off, I made it clear I had childcare sorted and was very happy to do it. Urgh. YourMother no no issues before I went, unless she sees being willing to come into work at all while on mat leave means you don't enjoy it? Maybe she thinks I can't let go of work while I'm off, although the only contact I've had has been these emails about these KIT days so I can't see that's reasonable. I need to do something, whether HR or manager I'm not sure. I do need to sleep on it I think Dubjackeen (and try not to stew about it!). Thanks all.

OP posts:
PPaka · 16/01/2014 22:46

I think you're massively overreacting

jacks365 · 16/01/2014 22:47

Employers are not obliged to give kit days both parties have to agree. How formal was the agreement, had specific days been agreed for you to go in, had pay for those days been agreed. I would recommend a quick call to acas just to confirm your rights before you speak to anyone.

MomsStiffler · 16/01/2014 22:54

I think you're reading far too much into the word "learn" TBH, plus you seem quite narked that a "junior" colleague can cover you which may be colouring your view too.

If you're out for a year you'll have to face the fact that juniors will advance & clients will get to know them...

As you say, your next action may be clearer in the morning...

WilsonFrickett · 16/01/2014 22:57

Learn and are are close enough words, particularly with predictive text, for me to wonder if it was a genuine error. I'd be tempted to reply completely professionally along the lines of 'thanks for your note, however I'm very much looking forward to my kit days. As agreed before my ML my clients etc etc etc and I etc etc etc.' and then I'd be very tempted to do a pa ps along the lines of: learn to enjoy them? Lolz. That's the easy part. Or did you mean are you enjoying them? Most of the time!

EmmaBemma · 16/01/2014 23:00

This thread is a perfect example of confirmation bias. You are focusing on the posts which agree with your interpretation and ignoring everyone who suggests you should give her the benefit of the doubt. I have said some insanely stupid things in my life without really thinking, I'm sure most people have. What reason would she have for being snide? You yourself are struggling to find one. Let it go.

BackforGood · 16/01/2014 23:03

Im with curiousuze, janefonda and others, id just read that as a bit of clumsy phrasing from someone who is trying to help you not have to work when you are on maternity leave.
As so often happens on MN, lots of people start off angry and leap in trying to esculate things, only ever seeing the worst case scenario.
Id phone and say thanks for the off, but I'm actually more than happy to stick with what we've already agreed and dont need the other person to deputise for me, although it was nice of you to try to help out, its not necessary thanks.

BackforGood · 16/01/2014 23:03

*offer

wouldbemedic · 16/01/2014 23:07

Sounds very like a tongue in cheek, misjudged attempt at humour to me. I find it hard to believe someone being nasty would choose to do it in that way. I would hold your fire and ask her if she was joking.

InTheRedCorner · 16/01/2014 23:08

I agree with Emma and others that have said to replying to let her know you want your kit days and if met with a barrier again forward to her manager.

Logg1e · 16/01/2014 23:10

Sorry everyone, I'm with the OP, this would really press my buttons. Sleep on it, but I'd consider replying, asking her to clarify what she meant.

As for the KIT, assume she was offering and say no, you are going to stick with the original arrangement.

Original poster
Bananaketchup · 17/01/2014 19:55

Update - I phoned HR today, just to ask their advice not to take anything further. The person I spoke to suggested I email my manager back and say I still want to do the KIT days as we agreed, and that I am confused as to why she wants to change the agreement which I am still happy with. They also said I should state that I was offended by the phrase she used in reference to enjoying my children. They checked company policy while I was on the phone and said that the fact that letters, which my manager approved the wording of, have gone out to clients saying I will be doing the KIT days to do these specific bits of work, constitutes written agreement between she and I that I will be doing them. So I'm going to carefully compose a calm email on the lines suggested, and see what she comes back with before I do anything more. Thanks for replies.

OP posts:
Logg1e · 17/01/2014 20:04

OP, They also said I should state that I was offended by the phrase she used in reference to enjoying my children.

Ouch. Rather you than me.

Do you feel as angry as you did about that line?

Gremlinsateit · 17/01/2014 20:12

OP, yanbu. This is exactly the sort of thing that two different managers said to me with each pregnancy while trying to sideline me. It has happened to colleagues too. "Just concentrate on enjoying your baby" with a side serve of "and forget about that career track". Be careful about HR's second suggestion, though, unless you can afford to make her an enemy.

NatashaBee · 17/01/2014 20:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ABitterPIL · 17/01/2014 20:14

I agree you have to mention it. Give her a chance to explain or it will irritate you forever.

Being a mother, loving and wanting to spend time with your children does not mean your proffessionalism needs to dissapear. Women can do it all you know.

Trills · 17/01/2014 20:19

I think the concept of "enjoying" a human being is pretty weird in itself.

Original poster
Bananaketchup · 17/01/2014 20:27

Haha, I am still pretty riled but not as furious as I was yesterday. I emailed a colleague I trust and weirdly she suggested that for some reason, my manager is clumsily trying to prevent me from crossing paths with the person who is covering my mat leave (which I would, if I do the KIT day). Apparently this person often asks how I did certain things, and the manager seems unwilling to tell her. Very weird, if true. Whatever the truth of it is, I'm going to carefully reply and think I will say I was offended, but along the lines of 'I'm sure it was mistyped and you didn't really mean how it came across to me'.

OP posts:
sebsmummy1 · 17/01/2014 20:32

Honestly, I wouldn't mention the kid thing at all. Why on earth do you want to cross swords with your manager if you plan on continuing your career path with her as your superior?

Just explain that you would like to cover your KIT days as agreed in writing and have taken advice on it. Then go and continue to do your job well.