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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How much of an age gap is too much?

56 replies

fluffyduckie · 16/01/2014 21:02

So it isn't really an issue as it is just a crush but do you think a 20ish year age gap is too much?

I am quite old fashioned and the age gap doesn't bother me but I think it is because it is him rather than liking older men in general. He really is lovely - quiet and sensible and you never hear anyone say anything bad about him.

I don't know if the age gap would make him less likely to notice me. Sad

OP posts:
BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 16/01/2014 21:05

At 20 (ish) I had boyfriends in their 40's and even one over 50. I didn't settle down with any of them, and am married to someone my own age, but I'd never let it bother me. The only thing I would say, is that he has done his growing up and isn't going to change. If you are young (teens/ 20's) you have a lot of developing personality wise still to do.

peppersquint · 16/01/2014 21:06

Age is a number (cliche) - the age gap between me and DH is 19 years - so I am very much in the "it doesn't matter camp".
However, I don't understand your last paragraph - can you expand?

Notaddictedtosugar · 16/01/2014 21:10

I think if a couple are right for each other any age gap can work to begin with. I think the real problems can come though in long term relationships as one of the couple becomes older. 20 and 40 is no problem, 50 and 70 can be more so as the older person ages before the younger one does. That's not to say it can't work though, just that there are issues that could come up, that need to be considered.

FreakinScaryCaaw · 16/01/2014 21:13

My mother is 83 and her dp of over 20 years is 55. I go for older men dp is 13 years older than me. Meh.

SeaSickSal · 16/01/2014 21:19

No, if you are happy and it's a good relationship it doesn't matter.

I think the only time it's sometimes a problem is if one partner in the relationship is really young. If for example one partner is 16-23 and the other one is in their 40s. Sometimes you have relationships like that were it feels the older one is somehow exploiting the younger ones naivety.

But as long as it's two proper adults I don't think it's an issue.

Original poster
fluffyduckie · 16/01/2014 21:24

I am 28 and he is in his 40s so I am not really that young.

Although I do have a kind of teenage crush on him and I don't think he even knows that I exist!

OP posts:
peppersquint · 16/01/2014 21:30

The age gap seems fine Fluffy - but tell us about the relationship - are you together, is it a "crush", do you work with him ...? Where are you at now?

SeaSickSal · 16/01/2014 21:41

I'd say that is fine as an age gap. But you're not even together and you would clearly like to be, so it's irrelvant really. You would definitely go for him given the chance so why are you asking?

Is he single and available? If so why don't you just ask him out?

Mouldypineapple · 16/01/2014 21:44

I agree, depends on the ages.
My DD is 22 and I would be concerned if she went out with someone in their 40's, it's just such a different life stage.
However my dh is 25 years older than me. I was 30 when we met and for the most part it's been no problem although a couple of my friends thought I was mad. I do find myself worrying about his health more as he gets older (67 now) and am more anxious than i would be if he were younger. That said he is very fit and young-minded for his age. Not comparable to most other people of that age I know.
Who knows what the future will bring us (any of us come to that) but hopefully he'll be around a good while yet, especially as we have a DD who is only 4.
Good luck...

blondefriend · 16/01/2014 21:46

Half the age of the oldest person plus 7.

Don't know where I got that from but have always thought it makes sense whatever the age.

40 with 27
18 with 16
90 with 52

;)

harticus · 16/01/2014 21:48

Personally I struggled with a relationship where the man was the same age as my parents (so 22 years older than me.)
They shared points of reference about their childhoods etc. Bit odd.
And the age gap between me and his daughter was only 7 years.

There are no rules though - it is each to their own.

msvenus · 17/01/2014 01:01

There is a 21 yr gap betwen my parents, a 14 yr gap between my aunt & uncle and a 9 year gap between my dh and I. The main thing is if it works for you & legal then Smile the rest is irrelevent.

cafecito · 17/01/2014 01:07

half their/ your age, plus 7

this rule works

however, I broke the rule with the father of my children who was decades and decades older than me like 35 years Shock . It was a mistake. I would still date older guys but definitely less so - maybe within 2 decades of my age this time

LukeAtMe · 17/01/2014 01:11

The age gap, not a problem. The teenage mooning could be!

Original poster
fluffyduckie · 17/01/2014 06:56

The teenage mooning is not good!

It is kind of tricky as I am really shy and he is pretty quiet himself!

He manages a shop where a friend of mine works so I see him ever now and then.

My era is probably the 1950s anyway!

OP posts:
themaltesefalcon · 17/01/2014 07:03

Irrelevant. I know of three women in very happy marriages with such an age-gap.

Lj8893 · 17/01/2014 07:05

I don't think its too much of a problem but certainly could throw issues into the mix at times such as different interests etc.

Also on a sad note, my uncle was 18 years older than my aunty and has just passed away. Its very sad as my aunty has got lots of life still in her, whereas if he closer to her age potentially they could have still had years left to spend together.

Original poster
fluffyduckie · 17/01/2014 16:46

Hmmmm I am not a partying or drinking type - more of a cosy evening in type.

OP posts:
farewellfigure · 17/01/2014 17:28

This reminds me of Emma and Mr Knightley. I think it's lovely. How would you broach the subject though? Are you brave enough to tell him how you feel? How about a fairly obvious Valentine. Or maybe your friend could mention how you feel to him.

PumpkinPie2013 · 17/01/2014 17:48

I think it depends on the couple.

My dh is 19 years older than me (I'm 27, he's 46)

We have lots in common and are very happy. Neither of us have been married before or had children.

We have recently had our first child together and it's wonderful. DH is a wonderful dad to ds.

We know another (older) couple with a similar gap who remain very happy at 65 and 86!

Alisvolatpropiis · 17/01/2014 17:59

My dp is 19 years older than me.

It works.

Original poster
fluffyduckie · 17/01/2014 18:57

farewellfigure - I think it's lovely. How would you broach the subject though? Are you brave enough to tell him how you feel? How about a fairly obvious Valentine. Or maybe your friend could mention how you feel to him.

I really wouldn't be brave enough to tell him. I blush anyway and always manage to do or say something stupid around him. I suppose I could ask my friend to mention it to him but that is scary too! I know I am a wimp! Sad

I just wish I knew what he thought of me!

OP posts:
drawohamme · 17/01/2014 19:03

Age gaps are fine so long as you're mentally on the same page (and if it gets to children he doesn't mind the sleep deprivation Smile )

MalcolmTuckersMistress · 17/01/2014 19:14

I'd boff Peter Capaldi until one of us died. I'd happily populate the earth with his babies and not feel worried that he's 20 years my senior.

Alas he is married and so am I and he's also famous and I am not so it's highly unlikely to ever happen.

Older men are divine for many reasons! Yanbu.

PiperRose · 17/01/2014 19:30

I have just turned (whispers it) 40. My dp is 26, we are ridiculously happy. I occasionally say things completely out of his frame of reference but generally find his puzzled looks hysterical. (The sight of him in white boxers the other day led to me mentioning Nick Kamen and in the end I had to google the ad)

Just to echo practically everyone else on here if the age gap works for you then it's fine.

Oh and ask this bloke out, he'll probably be really flattered that such a young woman is after him. Good luck.

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