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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How much of an age gap is too much?

56 replies

fluffyduckie · 16/01/2014 21:02

So it isn't really an issue as it is just a crush but do you think a 20ish year age gap is too much?

I am quite old fashioned and the age gap doesn't bother me but I think it is because it is him rather than liking older men in general. He really is lovely - quiet and sensible and you never hear anyone say anything bad about him.

I don't know if the age gap would make him less likely to notice me. Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
fluffyduckie · 17/01/2014 20:56

I don't think I would dare ask him out! Would be a bit of a shock to him if he has no idea at all and he is quiet. I am going to have to figure out how to flirt I think.

I wonder if it would be possible for my friend to sort of subtly see if she can find out what he thinks of me and maybe drop a couple of hints ..... she isn't known for her subtlety though!

OP posts:
LukeAtMe · 17/01/2014 21:09

No no no. This reminds me of when I had a thing for someone 20 ish years older than me at work. I'd go daft and shy and get my friends to ask about me. All it did was make me look even younger than I was which makes the age gap seem an issue and nothing came of it. The time I liked someone (who was also older!), I just was straight with it, didn't get my friends in on it and we had a thing. Age wasn't an issue.

I honestly think the best solution is to get brave, just tell him you'd like to get to know him better and wondered if he fancied going for a drink/meal/whatever. If he says no, yes it'll be a little embarrassing but then it's done. If he says yes, great! Don't get your friends in on it because you're running the risk of coming across like a gaggle of teenagers giggling and stuff plus it's just dragging it out and making it into more of a big deal.

YOU CAN DO IT! Grin

LukeAtMe · 17/01/2014 21:09

The next time* that should say!

nickymanchester · 17/01/2014 21:33

He manages a shop where a friend of mine works so I see him ever now and then

Me again, I'm afraid.

Get your friend to tell him that you like him. I know that sounds just like being back in school but it can and does work.

If you aren't giving out any indications that you fancy him then how is he to know?

The fact that he doesn't try and chat up random women that come into his shop is a good thing I would suggest. So, perhaps if you do get your friend to act as matchmaker then maybe something might happen.

nickymanchester · 17/01/2014 21:35

I wonder if it would be possible for my friend to sort of subtly see if she can find out what he thinks of me and maybe drop a couple of hints ..... she isn't known for her subtlety though

Sorry, I hadn't seen this post when I posted elsewhere.

This sounds exactly what you need to do.

zeezeek · 17/01/2014 22:31

Well my DP is 20 years older than me (64 to my 44) and we've been together 20 years and have 2 DDs which totally knacker both of us

He was my PhD supervisor Grin probably totally inappropriate!!

Original poster
fluffyduckie · 18/01/2014 09:10

nickymanchester - If you aren't giving out any indications that you fancy him then how is he to know?

I really do not know how to flirt! Sad

I will mention it to my friend - she is the only one who knows about the crush but, although she is older than me, she is younger in her interests so I don't know how approving she is!

OP posts:
MalcolmTuckersMistress · 18/01/2014 10:10

Oh come on, be brave! Life really is too short not to act upon things like this. You need to start buying things from his shop!!

nickymanchester · 18/01/2014 10:55

fluffy

I really do not know how to flirt! Sad

I know what you mean, as many others have said it's also the same with me. I'm really outgoing and confident normally. The only time that I wasn't was if I was with somebody that I really fancied. Then I'd just totally clam up and blush like mad especially if our eyes met.

I met my dh when I was the same age as you, he's 13 years older than me. Fortunately, a joint friend of ours pushed us together - I would certainly never have made the first move. We're now happily married, although like everyone else we've had our problems along the way and we're currently ttc dc3

If your friend really is a friend then I'm sure she will want to help. Also, a lot of women I know in RL love to be able to play matchmaker if they can.

zeezeek · 18/01/2014 10:55

How about you start small - smile at him and make a bit of small talk.

Original poster
fluffyduckie · 18/01/2014 11:53

I do buy stuff from his shop! In a way that is worse because he has seen me and not noticed me. Never really do more than token chit chat.

nickymanchester - I am not outgoing normally just more shy around him!

I will ask my friend. I think her issue is that she is older than me and still into partying most weekends so she sees him as too quiet. I just can't get away from the feeling that I should fix myself first. Like lose weight.

OP posts:
DizzyGoat · 18/01/2014 12:04

I have a possible FWB (see my thread on Relationships) who is feeling unsure about how far to take things with me because I am 20 years older than him. In fact he doesn't even know that, I think he reckons I'm 10-12 years older, max. But he seems to have some inbuilt cultural pressures about all relationships must lead to settling down and having his own children. Despite the fact he's in no way settled enough to do that.

It seems to be a lot easier if the man is much older in the relationship, but I'm beginning to think I don't have anything in common with men who are the same age or older than me.

someonestolemynick · 18/01/2014 12:37

My partner is 20 years older than me (his 45 46 to my 25 (stb 26).

I can't say the age gap is a non-issue for me. There are a few thoughts you have to run through, if you see yourselves settling into something longterm (I know just a crush atm, but calling it off now might be better, than finding it doesn't work later on when you are madly in love.)

So, I'll try to recreate my pre-dating reservations.

  1. When we started to go out he was 44, I was 24. hat doesn't sound too bad am I still going to be ok when I am 44 and he's 64, 64 to 84 etc. I tend to over-think these things. He is very young for his age, but there is a strong chance that he will die before me or that I might have to care for him in his old age. If we have children, he might die when they are very young (I lost my father very young, and this is a big issue for me)

  2. In age he is closer to my parents, my mum is 50 my dad would have been 51 Hmm. It's weird, even though if you see them together youn would think he is in his mid-thirties - while she is pushing 60. It's still a weird thought, even typing it out takes a little resolve.

  3. He will have a lot more emotional baggage than you. My partner had been married before we met, and even though hey got divorced good few years ago it is still difficult not to draw comparisons or feel jealous of someone he shares so much romantic history with. How much do you know about him? Is he actually single? Does he have and exw, children...? Are you ok with that?

  4. Sometimes he won't be able to treat you like a child. This is more an experience, than it was a reservation. You need to be assertive very early on so it doesn't become a habit. Respect on both parts is really important to make the age gap thing working. He also will throw a lot of cultural references at you that will mean NOTHING to you.

There are lots of positives to this: he has done his growing up and a lot of battles were already fought for me by his ex Grin, you will learn lots of things from him (especially when he shares his cultural references with you).

To be honest I would suggest trying to go for it; either he's not that into you, you date and find that you are not that into him, or you'll live happily after. At least you will know. All I'm saying is, it's NOT easy and it probably will be an issue (for you and for him) but you must know if it's worth it.

someonestolemynick · 18/01/2014 12:43

fluffy, you think he hasn't noticed you but you say he is also shy. Try asking for his advice on purchases (if this shop is the right place to do) and maybe discover his interests through the backdoor and see if you click.

I would warn against getting your friend too involve - 1) it will make you look even younger and 2) if you are not sure of your friends approval, she might not want to help you.

MalcolmTuckersMistress · 18/01/2014 16:27

I agree with someonestolemynick I think you should be doing the ground work yourself. You don't know for sure he hasn't noticed you! He perhaps doesn't think that an attractive younger woman would find him attractive! Start slowly and move at a pace you are comfortable with. You can't possibly go wrong by starting a conversation with him every time you see him. If you're confident he will definitely pick up on that and will notice you more.

Original poster
fluffyduckie · 18/01/2014 18:00

I really need to do something don't I?!

I wish I wasn't so shy!!

OP posts:
JRmumma · 18/01/2014 18:07

The only problem for me would be that you might have different ideas about how you'd like your life to pan out from this point if it was to get serious. Does he already have children? If so, he might not be open to having anymore and you might be yet to start a family and very much want one. I'm thinking of Monica and Richard from Friends when i write this. I know its fiction but when i watch the episodes after they split i always feel her pain. Id never want to be in that situation myself.

someonestolemynick · 18/01/2014 19:08

fluffy

Relax, breathe. I don't think you have to ask him out on a date. Just go to the shop and try to go beyond chit chat. Ask him questions/ advice on what you want to buy (what kind of shop are we talking btw?), make a joke.

And while I wouldn't involve your friend directly (he's her BOSS and you could potentially put her in a really awkward position), there's nothing wrong with quizzing her a bit about his background (do you know for a fact, he's single for starters? ) and let the whole thing grow slowly.

Original poster
fluffyduckie · 18/01/2014 20:06

It is a corner shop so I don't know what sort of advice I could ask for .... plus quite often it is busy. I tend to be friendly and smiley with everyone so I don't know how to let him know that I like him without being really obvious.

I have asked my friend a few questions - he is single, nice, and quiet. She said quiet like it was a bad thing!

I don't want to make a fool of myself or embarrass him but at the same time don't want to do nothing as then nothing will change.

OP posts:
MalcolmTuckersMistress · 18/01/2014 21:16

You need to make a reservation for a weekly publication or something and then start going in to pick it up at a time you know when he's in!

MakingEveryDayCount · 18/01/2014 22:42

I don't think age matters in the slightest (as long as you're both well over the age of consent, obviously! [snile]
The only thing that can arise from big age gaps such as 20 years is that you both want different things from life.
One might want to sit in and not do much, the other might want to go out clubbing ad drinking every night.
Or some similar scenario, that's just an example.
As long as you're both in the same place mentally and want the same things, what has age got to do with it?

Original poster
fluffyduckie · 19/01/2014 07:11

I am going to have to stop buying magazines at the supermarket and start buying them there!

Although I tend to only buy cooking and craft magazines so it won't exactly make me look interesting!

I have never been one for clubbing at all - I think that is the reason my friend isn't entirely for it - she thinks I should be more into things like that.

OP posts:
MalcolmTuckersMistress · 19/01/2014 10:12

BBC Good Food! You can't go wrong with that.

See it as a double whammy...supporting your local business AND perusing Mr Hot McSausage. You simply can't lose!

Original poster
fluffyduckie · 19/01/2014 12:00

Blush I am just going to have to be brave aren't I!

Hmmm maybe ask if they stock certain magazines.

The tricky bit will be timing it so that 1) he is working and 2) that the shop isn't full with a queue!

OP posts:
MusicalEndorphins · 19/01/2014 13:38

Tell him you that like his shirt or cologne or something. He'll remember your face after that and you can try and be friendly to him, and feel brave enough to give him your number.

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