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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To go nc with mil

90 replies

JumpRope · 15/01/2014 16:53

That's no contact.

She has never liked me and been pretty vocal on her ideas of how I can change to be more like she thinks I ought to be for her son and gcs. I've kind of smiled sweetly, but it does hurt that I haven't been accepted as I am. At first I made a lot of effort, but she would still cry to dh and say I was not being 'open' enough, 'warm' enough, whatever. I often didn't even understand what she wanted from me.

Fil sadly died in December, but we went ahead and spent Xmas at her house as she really wanted us to. Of course, it was fraught. Somehow, I became a focus for the grief - both mil and dh projected it onto me. They pushed me away, and then told me I was selfish, not thinking of others, not supporting dh correctly etc. At one lunch, I had to leave the table as I began crying when mil snapped at me. Dh followed me and shouted, then left. Then mil came along and started shouting too. It all lasted a week and was pretty horrific.

It culminated in me walking off on the last morning, when I overheard dh and mil in loud voices bemoaning how I couldn't sew and look after the dcs properly. I have mild depression (being treated), and mil was saying it affected my ability to parent. Dh even said I was shit. I walked 6 miles to the train station and got the train home alone (although I did thank her for having us to stay). That's the last time I saw her.

Now I just don't want to see her again. I didn't choose her, she doesn't like me at all, and she no longer seems to be able to keep her mouth shut and be civil through her dislike.

I know she's greiving, but the comments and opinions on me are not new, only the intensity, volume and focus was more this time.

OP posts:

Onesiegoddess · 16/01/2014 08:27

Have a break. Stay at home and have a few nice day trips or a couple of days away in a spa or looking round art galleries or visiting old friends. Explain you are doing this and also arrange for couples councelljng sometimes a little space helps everyone see things afresh. .

Onesiegoddess · 16/01/2014 08:29

volvocowgirl · 16/01/2014 08:39

Don't let them take your DCs, it's not appropriate and possibly unsafe.

Your H is a cock. Does he act like that in front of the DCs? If so, if you can't think highly enough of yourself to get away from this abuse, then at least get away for their sakes.

ChasedByBees · 16/01/2014 08:47

I wouldn't want my children on that boat, but if they have the decision and your children are with them, they will take them on it. It is not appropriate for a 2 and a 4 year old.

If your DH and you already have a 'shite' marriage and you're going to relate, that seems an ideal place to raise that specific issue as discuss it with a neutral third party there. But no, I would not let them go at all as its the only way you'll stop them being there. They would be really distressed if all the adults caring for them are crying and if they get scared and try and run, it could be pretty awful. And yes, you'll have WWII but frankly with a DH who shouts at you and says you're shit, you'd be much better off shaking things up anyway.

Your MIL is vile but your DH sounds worse. He is the one that promised to love you and stand by you. He's the one that is actually betraying those wedding vows.

pigletmania · 16/01/2014 09:11

You need counselling, and to be assertive. Your kids are not going on that boat, and you will not seak to me like that, nor will you allow mil to do so too. Yes sounds like the marriage is on the rocks, you describe it as rubbish and youare at relate! As others have said, h going to relate might be trying to fix you not the marriage. New year new start, you don't have to put up with this!

scarletforya · 16/01/2014 09:13

Op, your husband is a pathetic bully. His mother is a throwback, Swiss finishing school? Wtf?

Divorce him. He's a dick.

scarletforya · 16/01/2014 09:15

Oh and let ww3 break out. What are they gonna do? Pair of arseholes.

Mmmnotsure · 16/01/2014 09:54

Jump - some people can't be fixed.

Your mil reminds me of an ex-bf's mother. She was finishing school, upper-middle, connected, entitled - and absolute poison.

Your mil doesn't do things 'right', whatever she says. She is confusing class mores with the real meaning of manners.

If you are vulnerable (you mention depression, plus your problems in the marriage) it is far harder to deal.

I agree with the others, that your real problem is your dh. His behaviour is not acceptable, whatever the circumstances. He sounds weak and a bully, and in this case perhaps the apple really hasn't fallen far from the tree.

It is difficult for you with the children so young. It is overwhelming and tiring. Can you find support and help in rl away from these people? - talk to friends/family, counselling on your own, time to rest and have some time to yourself away from your dc, make sure you are on the most effective treatment for the depression. Your husband's attitude and lack of support is the most difficult thing to deal with. It is also the most important. If your dh was on your side - which in this case he really should be - your mil would lose most of her power, puff, just like that.

Littlegreyauditor · 16/01/2014 10:24

Oh and let ww3 break out. What are they gonna do? Pair of arseholes.

At least it will bring things to a head OP. It's either that or allow Mummy Viper and her hissing brat to gradually erode any sense of self you have until there is nothing left. They are gaslighting you, they are abusing you and they are going to continue as long as you let them.

Do you want your children to see you as "shite"? They will, because they see their Dad and their GM treating you like that and you don't object, so they must be right.

I bet you used to be a person in your own right OP, before you became their pincushion. Time to fight back.

If your husband is so much in agreement with Mummy Dearest he won't mind living with her.

zipzap · 16/01/2014 10:28

Did your dh actually discuss this holiday/send off for FIL with you before he booked it or did he just present it as a fait accompli? If he did, and it was booked after your nightmare Christmas, that's a pretty shit thing to do.

I think it is reasonable to ask him why on earth he booked to do this without asking you because how dare he organise a holiday away for all of you regardless of the purpose of it without getting your agreement. Which in this case you think is completely inappropriate - one thing for him to go away for a couple of days with mil and bil etc but not to take kids or involve you.

I'd be tempted to take the dc away myself the day before so there's no chance of them going. But that's probably more of a dream that I wish I could do rather than what I actually would do.

I do think that it is fair to warn him that if he wants you to interact with mil then you've had it with being polite to her and putting up with all her mean criticism and carping, and making your dh take sides so that he only gets his mother's approval if he bad mouths you. Grieving or not, you are going to give as good as you get. might make him think twice about how he wants this holiday to go. Does he actually realise how miserable you found Christmas? And how much of that was down to him and mil - ie all of it.

It sounds like mil and dh are using fil's death as an excuse to bully you and keep you in their perceived place. Don't let them - your views are just as valid as theirs. Good luck!

Anyfuckerisnotguilty · 16/01/2014 10:53

Start ww2
Stickup for yourself
He changes or you leave him

Agree it's good the kids are so young

Do not allow them to do this to you op
You do not have to take it
You can leave

plainjanine · 16/01/2014 12:01

Jump it sounds like you're married to DH and MIL. At what point did anyone ask MIL her opinion on what was wrong in your marriage? (this is rehetorical, as it sounds like DH goes running to mummy with everything, the little girl pratt.

On a more practical side, do they hae a boat? They're unlikely to be able to just turn up and hire a boat (even a dinghy), unless one of them has the correct sailing certification. Probably. If they haven't got the paperwork and need it, then I'd be tempted to forget to mention that at all. [devil]

DH needs to be made to understand that if he has issues with your parentling, behaviour or anything else about you, he comes to you with it, discusses it like an adult and involves absolutely no-one else in your marriage.

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 16/01/2014 12:49

I did finishing school. Didn't teach me to sew either.

A marriage is two people. If he cannot accept up to half of the success and failures could be his fault (other half being you to make one whole) it's IMO over.... I'm so sorry op.

Clutterbugsmum · 16/01/2014 13:50

If you are already going to relate can you no bring up what happen over chistmas with your councellor (sp) and see if she can get your H to see that you are not actually the problem.

2rebecca · 16/01/2014 14:54

Agree with all above. Also relationships take 2 to make an effort to work and it's not up to you to be warm and open to MIL if she is going to be nasty and bitch about you to your husband. There is no reason you should be open with her anyway, your emotions and private life are your own.
It sounds as though she has always been over involved in your life and your husband sounds more emotionally involved with her than you. He should be siding with you and not telling you nasty things he and his mum said about you behind your back.
This isn't normal behaviour. If my MIL was nasty about me I'd expect my husband to back me up and I wouldn't expect him to tell me nasty things she had said about me unless he had an agenda of some sort.

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