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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To go nc with mil

90 replies

JumpRope · 15/01/2014 16:53

That's no contact.

She has never liked me and been pretty vocal on her ideas of how I can change to be more like she thinks I ought to be for her son and gcs. I've kind of smiled sweetly, but it does hurt that I haven't been accepted as I am. At first I made a lot of effort, but she would still cry to dh and say I was not being 'open' enough, 'warm' enough, whatever. I often didn't even understand what she wanted from me.

Fil sadly died in December, but we went ahead and spent Xmas at her house as she really wanted us to. Of course, it was fraught. Somehow, I became a focus for the grief - both mil and dh projected it onto me. They pushed me away, and then told me I was selfish, not thinking of others, not supporting dh correctly etc. At one lunch, I had to leave the table as I began crying when mil snapped at me. Dh followed me and shouted, then left. Then mil came along and started shouting too. It all lasted a week and was pretty horrific.

It culminated in me walking off on the last morning, when I overheard dh and mil in loud voices bemoaning how I couldn't sew and look after the dcs properly. I have mild depression (being treated), and mil was saying it affected my ability to parent. Dh even said I was shit. I walked 6 miles to the train station and got the train home alone (although I did thank her for having us to stay). That's the last time I saw her.

Now I just don't want to see her again. I didn't choose her, she doesn't like me at all, and she no longer seems to be able to keep her mouth shut and be civil through her dislike.

I know she's greiving, but the comments and opinions on me are not new, only the intensity, volume and focus was more this time.

OP posts:

2rebecca · 15/01/2014 17:48

They both sound awful. Your DH shouldn't find it an effort to support you when his mother is being a bitch. he should want to support you and be appalled at her nastiness and be telling her this. That's the main problem.
Men can learn to sew. It's not a chromosome linked skill. The recurrent nastiness is a big red flag though. Adults who love each other (or even those who don't unless it's employer/employee don't tell each other off.

FetchezLaVache · 15/01/2014 17:49

Smoothing things over I can understand, taking it easy on a recent widow I can understand, but actively agreeing with his mother that you are a shit parent (although I assume he didn't actually use those words) there is no defence for. He needs to grow a pair and tell his mother to stop treating you so poorly.

There are a gazillion threads on here about MIL issues and most of them come down to the same thing- the attitude of the husband/partner. Yours has a piss-poor one and you can't let this continue.

coco44 · 15/01/2014 17:50

It doesn't sound like a lot of fun for you!
But losing a life partner is just literally the most stressful event anyone can endure .I think you need to cut her a bit of slack
I can well understand where she was coming from when she was peed off on boxing day.She got up early because she wanted you to have a lie in.But instrad you went shopping!!A little ungracious perhaps?t
Seriously though I think talk of cutting contact with a close family member who is very very recently widowed is very harsh, and very hard on your DH who will feel he has to take sides.

pigletmania · 15/01/2014 17:50

The way that your h has treated you is appealing, calling you shit, putting you down, no wonder your depressed. I would go nc with the lot of em, I feel dh will be an xh soon I hope! Don't go to scatter the ashes, I would really evaluate your relationship! New tear, new start. Get some ummmmph in you and kick him to the kerb.

coco44 · 15/01/2014 17:52

So what di9d your dh actually say.Did he actually use the words 'you are a shit parent' seriously? Or did he say something like I would say about myself jokingly ' I'm a bad mother I can't sew'

pigletmania · 15/01/2014 17:52

Coco no need to treat another person line rubbish especially h who said she was shit

Chippednailvarnish · 15/01/2014 17:57

Your MIl isn't the problem, your DH is.

PeterAndresSprayTanner · 15/01/2014 18:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SauceForTheGander · 15/01/2014 18:06

Who makes him judge and jury on your parenting anyway? Very strange IMO to pass judgment like that.

How did they used to treat FIL? Do they bully other family members / siblings? Did they put you down in front of your DCs? And what the fuck has being able to sew got to do with anything?!

YouTheCat · 15/01/2014 18:11

What was your fil like?

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 15/01/2014 18:12

I'm sorry for you, in my world grief isn't an excuse for this, and I have grieved and never treated anyone this way, she's an arse, he's an arse and tbh I would nc until they apologised

UncleT · 15/01/2014 18:15

They're both being complete jerks. You should definitely consider whether you should stay with him.

Having said that, what the hell is with the suggestions to go no contact with husband?! There are kids involved. He's been a twat, no doubt - but it's not like she's said he's been violent or something. No contact with him would be extreme.

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 15/01/2014 18:30

If my husband was going around telling people I was a shit parent I'm afraid I would be more than not communicating with him, in fact I would be communicating via a solicitor only!

Onesiegoddess · 15/01/2014 18:43

I expect losing a partner is overwhelming and would effect behaviour. Life must seem very black. I would cut her a little slack for that and be willing to forgive however I think your husband should know better and should support you. In your shoes if tell DH that Xmas was so awful that you think it's best he go on his own with his mum to scatter the ashes. You a&e not prepared to be anyone's punch bag.

Original poster

JumpRope · 15/01/2014 18:49

I think that's a good suggestion, onesie. I simply annoy face going for a week. The idea about going up for the day to scatter the ashes might work, but I don't want to sleep there.

Dh actually said to me "my mother can see you are shit" as I was leaving. The sewing comment was the tip of the iceberg on her part - the disapproval of my 'ways' is frequent. Thing is, she went to Swiss finishing school and learnt how to do everything 'right'. I didn't have that or the model of upbringing of upper class habits, and she things I should somehow know what is right all the time.

Fil was fine, he had a temper Nd blew up, but not for long. Overall, he was a force for good in the family, and I know he sometimes tried to get mil to butt out or simmer down when she was getting annoyed with me.

OP posts:

Onesiegoddess · 15/01/2014 18:51

I would email both DH and MIL in fact (so that its not up for discussion) and say that after much thought and also reflection on the recent xmas holiday, you feel it's appropriate to let DH and MIL to go to the cottage alone and spread the ashes without yourself and the kids. Tell them you are in the process of making alternative arrangements for the holiday and thought you had better keep them up to date.

Original poster

JumpRope · 15/01/2014 18:54

WWIII would break out if I tried to stop the dcs going. It will be a massive wrench for me to be parted from them for a week (6 days I think), and I don't want it to happen. Dh and mil are overweight, and they will feed them unhealthy foods (although I know is wont hurt them for a week). It's a lot of work for dh and mil, although bil and ail are childless and our au pair may go too.

I would love to not let the kids go, but it won't wash.

OP posts:

Original poster

JumpRope · 15/01/2014 18:54

Bil and sil.

OP posts:

YouTheCat · 15/01/2014 18:55

That will be why she is now full on nasty - he isn't there to hold her back any more.

She sounds vile. I've done plenty of grieving and never felt the need to be a twat (outside of my normal twattishness).

And your dh needs to fuck right off.

pigletmania · 15/01/2014 18:58

I just would not go, why put yourself trough tat, gomfr the day with dcs but tats it! I would have serious wires with h abut his dreadful behaviour towards you, not acceptable!

pigletmania · 15/01/2014 19:00

If you ave to go with dcs stay in a b&b nearby, do not stay in that cottage fr mre if the same!

TwinkleSparkleBling · 15/01/2014 19:02

I think you would be quite reasonable to say to your DH that you are only willing to go to Wales if he fully supports you.

I know you say you are suffering from depression and this must be awful for you, but could you front up to MiL next time she is abusive?

Meerka · 15/01/2014 19:08

"my mother can see you are shit"?

oh dear :(

the timing is awful given he's just lost his father but I think you need to sit down and speak to him calmly and tell him this is not acceptable and you and he are going to have severe marital problems if he carries on.

He married YOU, and he needs to put you first. That means not colluding with his mother, whom he surely knows has bitched about you for years. Colluding with her is undermining you and the marriage.

It sounds like he never has stood up to her though. Again, the timing is bad but he needs to grow up and become his -own- man. Not hers.

And if there's a problem with your housekeeping he can raise it with you, directly, not take part in bitching behind your back.

It isnt reasonable to expect you to go to the cottage. I can see how not letting your DC go would make things worse atm but longer term I think you need to be very very careful about what your MIL is saying to them about you because there is a chance, maybe a high one, that she'll be making nasty comments to them about you. Same as she does to your husband about you. These comments can sow a lot of discord and there are very sad posts sometimes from mothers whose children have been poisoned against them.

It may blow over but if FIL was a restraining influence and he's gone then it looks like the situatoin might get worse, not better. I think you need to plan longer term how to handle this and that there could be a lot of friction between you, her, and your DH if things carry on as they look likely to.

You need his support.

helenthemadex · 15/01/2014 19:10

your mil sounds awful but your dh is a complete tosser the way he has spoken to you and about you, I would not go to Wales and I would make it clear why I was not going.

Feeling grief is one thing being an absolute bitch to someone is not excuseable

3rdnparty · 15/01/2014 19:13

I'm not sure I'd let my dcs go with just dh/mil if thats what they say to your face what are they going to say when you're not there..

If you're feeling up to it could you and the dcs just go for the day? and come home - say it would be too much for them... is the trip in school time or the holidays if its July?

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