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AIBU?

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Original poster

To go nc with mil

90 replies

JumpRope · 15/01/2014 16:53

That's no contact.

She has never liked me and been pretty vocal on her ideas of how I can change to be more like she thinks I ought to be for her son and gcs. I've kind of smiled sweetly, but it does hurt that I haven't been accepted as I am. At first I made a lot of effort, but she would still cry to dh and say I was not being 'open' enough, 'warm' enough, whatever. I often didn't even understand what she wanted from me.

Fil sadly died in December, but we went ahead and spent Xmas at her house as she really wanted us to. Of course, it was fraught. Somehow, I became a focus for the grief - both mil and dh projected it onto me. They pushed me away, and then told me I was selfish, not thinking of others, not supporting dh correctly etc. At one lunch, I had to leave the table as I began crying when mil snapped at me. Dh followed me and shouted, then left. Then mil came along and started shouting too. It all lasted a week and was pretty horrific.

It culminated in me walking off on the last morning, when I overheard dh and mil in loud voices bemoaning how I couldn't sew and look after the dcs properly. I have mild depression (being treated), and mil was saying it affected my ability to parent. Dh even said I was shit. I walked 6 miles to the train station and got the train home alone (although I did thank her for having us to stay). That's the last time I saw her.

Now I just don't want to see her again. I didn't choose her, she doesn't like me at all, and she no longer seems to be able to keep her mouth shut and be civil through her dislike.

I know she's greiving, but the comments and opinions on me are not new, only the intensity, volume and focus was more this time.

OP posts:
whiteblossom · 15/01/2014 19:52

Before you decide anything you need a sit down talk with dh.

He should never slag you off to MIL
He should never agree with MIL when she slags you off
He should Never have called you a shit in agreement with mil.
He should never have slated your parenting.

He should always stick up for you
He should stand up to his nasty mother
He should see you both as a team with regards to the kids

How would he feel if the roles were reversed, you and your mother doing this to him?

If he agrees with his mother then he can move in with her- stand your ground on that. Make him choose family or his mother.

If you don't go to wales, mil wins a) your not there and b) mil slags you off in front off kids and swaying your dh in his views.

I'd chat with dh first. If you are to go then the merest hint of anything then you and the kids leave and not just the cottage either. make that clear. Tell him how serious you are.

Original poster
JumpRope · 15/01/2014 20:09

Oh whiteblossom, it's so difficult. I am always being over sensitive, according to mil and dh. So the merest hint won't work. They want to label me as more depressed than I am, and use the unhappiness against me to say I can't judge anything correctly.

Dh and I have a very shite marriage, we are trying to work on it at relate. I want to gauge reactions to the scenario, because dh (and mil) are convinced the marriage difficulties are my fault and all within my capacity to make better. I'm trying to make him see that the way he behaves is not normal either. More than that, it's just plain not nice.

OP posts:
Notawordfromtheladybird · 15/01/2014 20:10

I'd threaten he and his mother have 6 months to try to apologize and prove themselves to you. If you hear of a single incident where you are being criticized by either of them in front of your children, then she can see the kids during his access times, after the divorce. I'd also explain to him how people of your class don't teach their grandchildren to slag off their parents by example.

diddl · 15/01/2014 20:12

TBH, I'd go NC with them both!

As foir taking your kidswithout you-whose benefit would that be for?

Depending on their age, it will probably be a horrible experience for them.

whiteblossom · 15/01/2014 20:14

isn't that called gas lighting?

The merest hint will work. it all boils down to what makes you unhappy/uncomfortable. You know whats right in your heart and when they are playing you.

Take no shit. Make a stand and be very clear what you want/expect and what your intentions are should he/she cross that line.

2rebecca · 15/01/2014 20:18

When my mum died my dad didn't turn into Mr Nasty. He was more quiet and withdrawn than usual. bereavement and depression are not an excuse for nastiness and I suspect people who are nasty after a bereavement were nasty beforehand too.
Dementia on the other hand can change your personality, but that's irrelevent here.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 15/01/2014 20:19

If you are going to Relate, could you talk about what happened at Christmas, and the things he said to you there? Make him face up to what he said, in front of a neutral third party?

Original poster
JumpRope · 15/01/2014 20:21

They want the kids to be there to have a lovely time and give fil and send off on a sailing boat. They are 2 and 4, so I hope to god they are not going to try and explain throwing bits of grandpa's burnt body over the sea. They won't understand.

OP posts:
diddl · 15/01/2014 20:24

2 & 4?

Will they even be looked after properly?

My sister & I scattered some ashes & tbh we were both snivelling wrecks at the time.

Would have been in no state to supervise little ones.

I would say that they are just too young tbh.

Original poster
JumpRope · 15/01/2014 20:27

Feck, now I'm getting scared for them. They would be looked after ok, it is primarily a holiday. But mil and dh going out on a boat, of course I am petrified of my kids drowning. I am going to have to bloody go to stop them taking the kids on the boat. Arghh

OP posts:
morethanpotatoprints · 15/01/2014 20:31

" small dc in a boat with 2 adults grieving and scattering ashes.
Ahem, let me see, what could go wrong.
OP, its them not you. Even if it was within your power to change the situation, which it isn't, why would you bother when your dh is a twat.
Sorry but he should be with you 100%.
I wouldn't be going to relate, it would be to a solicitor.
Sorry you are having to go through this, I'm not surprised you are depressed.
You can manage without this shit in your life.

DameFanny · 15/01/2014 20:33

When's your next relate session? Bring up the while thing there - the cruel things your h had said, the disrespect from mil, and your worries for this week they're planning. Maybe the counsellor can help your h see that it's not you being oversensitive?

Having said that, I wouldn't be at all surprised if your h is actually abusive, and your depression is a reaction to that :-(

YouTheCat · 15/01/2014 20:37

He's not going to Relate to help both of you fix your marriage. He's going to get them to fix you .

OP he is treating you terribly and until he's willing to look at his behaviour and stop blaming you, I'd be running a mile.

TimeToPassGo · 15/01/2014 20:40

Your DH needs a swift kick to the crotch for how he spoke about you. I'm only half-joking.

Your MIL obviously has a powerful influence over him but if you feel that he is colluding with her against you I would be saying pretty fucking quickly that he needs to pick a team and if it isn't 'TeamOP' he can fuck right off. I'm actually angry reading this. Who behaves like that?

Slutbucket · 15/01/2014 20:57

I've been in a similar situation with depression and mil making out I was a little bit crazy. I think she's sown the seed with DH. I went to counselling on my own and realised I was so middle of the road normal. Went nc with her and and I got much better.

Slutbucket · 15/01/2014 20:57

Maybe you need your own counselling?

pigletmania · 15/01/2014 21:22

I feel you need counselling. Your h sound crap sorry he does. Sometimes you need others to tell you See it for yourself. Life is too short, you need to make yourself and your dc happy, by forging a new life without him. He is ribaby the reason why your depressed, e ounds absolutely vile!

remotecontrols · 15/01/2014 22:19

Really sorry about what you are going through but your DH sounds much much worse than your MIL

SauceForTheGander · 15/01/2014 22:21

The MIL wouldn't speak like that without complicity from the H.

cees · 15/01/2014 22:26

Argh just noticed my mistake 'not' shouldn't be in that sentence Blush

ohfourfoxache · 15/01/2014 22:27

Jump I'm so sorry to say this, but he is abusive - his mother sounds bloody awful but he sounds worse. Your marriage isn't shit because of you, it's shit because of him. And relate isn't to fix the problems in your marriage - as a pp said, he sees it as fixing you.

This isn't right Jump, something sits very uncomfortably Sad

WillBeatJanuaryBlues · 15/01/2014 22:39

"WWIII would break out if I tried to stop the dcs going"

So what?

So many people like you come on and say, " I am scared all hell will break loose" so what?

Sometimes blood has to be shed when there is a revolution, and sometimes revolutions are needed.

You are in many ways extremely lucky that your children are so young...that you can remove them from these toxic people who are putting their mother down, before they are old enough to know what's going on.

When you have children I think no matter how sweet you think you are by letting people bully you and walk over, has to take a back seat to the very real and blunt fact that young children are witnessing their mother being bullied and put down.

This will not have a good effect upon them and also will perhaps make them doubt you too which is not good for stability. They need to see their parents as rocks they can rely on.

You are their ultimate goddess, their hero, you must not allow them to be around your MIL who talks to you and about you so dreadfully.

They both think they are in charge, and they are in charge right now because you are letting them be, and you are worried about world war 11.

you are dealing with WWII walking 6 miles to a station is world war II starting. All their provocative behaviour is WWII.

Its started.

Think of your children, enough is enough.

I Know plenty of people who have suffered enormous and tragic loss in their lives and still managed to run the gauntlet of the grief emotions without being abusive to their nearest.

WillBeatJanuaryBlues · 15/01/2014 22:43

coco

I can well understand where she was coming from when she was peed off on boxing day.She got up early because she wanted you to have a lie in.But instrad you went shopping!!A little ungracious perhaps?t

Coco the point is, mil said she would get up so op could have some free time, so what if she actually decided to go shopping? isnt her time her own? or does mil get to dictate what she does with her free time now.

diddl · 16/01/2014 08:07

"I am going to have to bloody go to stop them taking the kids on the boat"

No-because they will probably take the kids anyway.

What you need to do is tell them that the kids aren't going at all.

There's no point & they might as well stay at home with you, rather than you being a babysitter for their convenience in this scenario.

Kundry · 16/01/2014 08:23

On a purely practical front, do either your DH or MIL know what ashes look like? There are a lot more of them than you realise and they are well, ash, so very light. On a boat, unless they are careful, there could be a lot of opportunity for the ash to get caught by the breeze and fly everywhere, while they are simultaneously trying to grieve and supervise 2 young children.

Don't let the kids go on the boat, it's an adult time.

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